DISCLAIMER – The following essay contains opinions about accusations that have NOT been proven in a court of law. But then, neither has gravity, nor how magnets work, or even the existence of God. But I digress. What I’m saying is that I know no more about the facts of these cases than your average Internet troll, and I’m not joking when I say I have absolutely no money, so please don’t bother suing me for slander and/or libel if applicable. Thank you.
There he is. “Big” Ben Roethlisberger. What a foul, despicable, odious, slimy, loathsome, abhorrent, repugnant, abominable, dirty, contemptible, heinous, unscrupulous son of a bitch! I hope he goddamn DIES! He’s a thick-necked walking flank steak with a meat ball head shaped like a bell (or “meat-bell”). I’m saying he’s shaped like a snowman, and seems about as smart as one. Oh, and never forget, he’s probably a rapist. Could he actually be an active NFL quarterback who got away with rape? Well, if he is, *ahem*, I HOPE HE GODDAMN DIES!!
Big Ben Rapistberger (as he’s know in my house) is notorious for his extremely bad sportsmanship, but screw that. I couldn’t care less about the fact that he’s a little bitch on the field (even though he totally IS). I could never give enough of a shit about any of that garbage to write so many words about it. No, I hate him for all the fucked up shit he’s done off the field. I guess for some people, that kind of stuff doesn’t matter, as long as he wins games. But this opinion is only held by raging Steelers fans who are willfully blind to the black eye the whole organization wears due to Rapistberger’s presence.
Oh, and by the way, after watching him cough up last Sunday’s game against the Dallas CowGirls, I think a Steelers fan should start to wonder if having a brain-damaged rapist on the roster is really worth the accompanying social stigma. All joking aside, I just want to say this to any Steelers fans who may be reading: You have shit taste in football, and you should all be ashamed of yourselves for not shunning this fuckhead. Pick a different team, you jackass.
So without further ado… Some more ado; Here’s three big “Fuck You’s” to Big Ben Rapistberger and the Pittsburg Steelers:
Fuck You #1 – Get Your Motor Running…Head Out Into Windshields!
Get a load of this shit. This dweeb used to like to ride his rice burning Suzuki Hayabusa around scenic downtown Pittsburg… with NO HELMET! Holy 2011 Superbowl Loser, BatMan! Can you even imagine doing something THAT fucking stupid without the aid of alcohol or sweet, sweet bath salts? Is Ben Rapistberger so used to head injuries, that he’s now learned to just enjoy all the pretty stars and bells? There’s nothing but concrete around you, you big dumb asshole! What if you had to make a sudden stop? What if you had to lay the cycle down? What the fuck are you thinking? You could lose your amazingly awesome job as an NFL quarterback! What a big dumb asshole!
Hey, you! What's with that pussy helmet, faggot?!
So, of course, one day (Monday, June 12, 2006, at 11:17 a.m. EDT to be exact) he helmetlessly smashes into oncoming traffic, flying over the handlebars of his mighty rapistcycle like a spam loaf from a sling shot. Luckily, the car’s windshield was there to cushion his concussion. Oh, and did I mention that the Suzuki Hayabusa is known to be one of the fastest motorcycles ever made? Don’t worry, though. I’m sure Big Ben wasn’t going over the speed limit. Since when has he ever exhibited a tendency towards poor decision making?
The paramedics arrived at the scene just in time to save his worthless life. I’m sure his alleged rape victims would agree with me when I say “Boy, we sure dodged a bullet there” sarcastically.
After kissing the windshield, they sold his face leavin's as "food".
Fuck You #2 – RAPE # 1 -“No-Tell Hotel Hell”
Here’s why I really hate this ratcunt. Let me say again that all of the crap I’m about to bring up has never been proven in a court of law. But then again, neither has the female orgasm, nor that what Taco Bell serves is food, or that MTV is either music or television, or that Fox News is actually news…but, again, I digress. Anyhoo, here’s the story. The following is from Wikipedia, so you know it’s factually infallible.
“On July 17, 2009, a civil suit was filed in Washoe County, Nevada District Court accusing Roethlisberger of sexually assaulting Andrea McNulty, 31, in June 2008 in his hotel room while he was in Lake Tahoe for a celebrity golf tournament.”
Boy, that Don Juan Rapistberger sure has a way with the ladies! Check out the smooth move he uses on his
victim…er, his… Hmmm…
No, on second thought, let’s go with ‘victim’:
“According to the woman, she was working as an executive casino host in July 2008, when she said Roethlisberger struck up a friendly conversation at her desk during the golf tournament.”
See what he’s doing here? He’s creating a bullshit facade by publicly trying to charm his victim in front of witnesses in order to establish a sort of “rape alibi” for when witnesses get questioned by the police later. That way they’ll say that she seemed to be comfortable and pleasant around him, since by that point she hadn’t been raped yet. Or, since she’s the hostess at the casino that was holding the golf tournament, they’ll say she even seemed overly friendly or even flirtatious, which is kinda part of her job. I call this premeditation. Ben calls it foreplay.
Let’s fast forward to when Big Ben Rapistberger creates the circumstance that lured the poor woman into his clutches. Buckle up.
“The next night she said Roethlisberger telephoned her to tell her that the television sound system in his room wasn’t working and asked her to look at it. The woman said she determined that the TV was functioning properly, but as she turned to leave he stood in front of the door and blocked her, then grabbed her and started to kiss her.”
Gee, what a hopeless romantic, huh ladies? That short-dicked dog-fucker.
According to the lawsuit, the woman obtained hospital treatment after the alleged attack. But there wasn’t enough physical evidence for anything to stick. So I guess that’s the end of it. Or it would have been, if there hadn’t been a sequel.
And this is what was used as lubricant!
Fuck You #3 – RAPE 2: THE SECRET OF HIS OOZE
I might give Rapistberger the benefit of the doubt if not for the second victim. One could be a misunderstanding. But this second one is so detestable and atrocious, it’s pretty hard to just dismiss or ignore it. The following (*sigh*) allegedly happened just ten months before that Superbowl that he went to and lost. Boy, it pisses me off to think that the Steelers didn’t just out n’ out fire his stupid ass merely because they couldn’t find someone else who could throw a fucking football as well on such short notice. If only there was a law against rape…
“On March 5, 2010, it was revealed that police in Milledgeville, Georgia were investigating Roethlisberger for a sexual assault inside the women’s restroom of the Capital City nightclub. The accuser, a then-20-year-old student at nearby Georgia College & State University, was seen at several establishments with Roethlisberger leading up to the incident, including posing for a photograph with him.”
There he goes again! Establishing his patented, unimpeachable Rape Alibi ™. Well it turns out, he didn’t need to, thanks to his bodyguards’ day jobs.
“Roethlisberger spoke with police the night of the incident and stated that he did have contact with the woman that was not “consummated” and afterward the accuser slipped and injured her head.”
"Oh, yeah, by the way, officer. My alleged date-rape victim had a little 'accident' when I smashed her head into the filthy, scuzzy nightclub bathroom sink while I was (allegedly) raping her. Er, I mean, she slipped. Oopsie!"
“In interviews with the police on the night of the incident, the woman alleged that Roethlisberger, after inviting her and her friends to the V.I.P. area of the nightclub, encouraged them to do numerous shots of alcohol before Anthony Barravecchio — an off-duty Coraopolis, Pennsylvania policeman, undercover DEA narcotics officer at Pittsburgh International Airport, and one of Roethlisberger’s bodyguards — stated he led her down a hallway to a stool and left. Witnesses, however, stated that Barravecchio “placed his hand” on the accuser’s shoulder and applied “a little bit of pressure to guide her” into the restroom where she claims the assault took place, something Barravecchio’s lawyer denies.”
So an off-duty cop was the accomplice? Oh, I mean, *allegedly* the accomplice? Wow. Holy fuck, WOW! What huge, adamantium-plated balls on this cop! I certainly hope that the REAL police will come to this poor woman’s aid…
“After Barravecchio’s claimed departure, Roethlisberger allegedly approached, exposed himself, and despite the woman’s protests, followed her into what turned out to be a bathroom when she tried to leave through the first door she saw. The woman claims Roethlisberger then had sex with her. It is further alleged that friends of the woman attempted to intervene out of worry, but the second of Roethlisberger’s bodyguards, Edward Joyner—an off-duty Pennsylvania State Trooper—avoided eye contact and said he did not know what they were talking about. The policemen later claimed to “have no memory” of meeting the woman.”
The other guy is an off-duty cop too? The thin blue line apparently has a bit of black and gold in it as well. And rape. Black, Gold, and Rape! Hey! That should be their new team colors! Wait, what color is rape?
Our viscous bodily fluids may run (down your leg), but these colors won't!
“Milledgeville Police Sergeant Jerry Blash, who had posed for a photograph with Roethlisberger earlier in the evening, was the first officer to respond.”
What was that I said earlier about the REAL police coming to this poor woman’s aid? Well, fuck all that to Hell! Slimy, dirty, crooked fucking cops! This story disgusts me so much, I can’t even try to joke about it anymore. Ugh… Let’s just move along…
Let's play a game of "Spot The Asshole"! Hey, guess what! You've already won!
“At the scene, he (Milledgeville Police Sergeant Jerry Blash
-pictured above, left-) made a comment about the accuser to Barravecchio: “We have a problem, this drunken [expletive], drunk off her ass, is accusing Ben of rape.” Blash later admitted denigrating the accuser and never formally questioning Roethlisberger; he did speak to the NFL player and his off-duty police bodyguards at the Capital City club, but according to Blash’s own report, Roethlisberger was hardly engaged and spent most of the time on his phone.”
Yeah, on his phone. Probably hunting for his next victim. If there was any justice in this world, Rapistberger would be forced to have his microscopic cock and ball-less scrotum snipped off and shoved down his fucking throat, along with a healthy side-order of cinder block.
Hey, don't grill him too hard there, Sipowitz! Remember, he plays professional football!
By the way. The victim being a, quote – unquote “drunken ____ drunk off her ass…” doesn’t get a rapist off the hook. Obviously the officer said this in self-service, just to improve the overall image of policemen everywhere. So, remember; Sergeant Blash may be as bad as a rapist, but at least he’s not as bad as Hitler, or George W. Bush. Or a Jay Leno monologue. Well…most Jay Leno monologues.
“Roethlisberger hired lawyer Ed Garland, who had previously defended Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis in his murder trial.”
Pictured L to R: Slimy Asshole Prick Lawyer Ed Garland, microphone, unknown.
Oh, great! Yeah, here’s two more fine examples of the human race caught in the crossfire of circumstance. If you didn’t know, Ray Lewis (allegedly) stabbed some people at a Superbowl party until thay’s was dead. But since he ratted out his buddies in a plea bargain cooked up by the slimy asshole prick lawyer Ed Fucking Garland, life’s back to normal for him. In fact, he’s still currently on the Baltimore Ravens’ roster.
So… I guess, fuck the Baltimore Ravens, too!
Employing alleged murderers since 2000!
“On April 12, 2010, district attorney Fred Bright held a press conference to announce that Roethlisberger would not be charged. Bright said “looking at all the evidence here, “I cannot prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt”. Furthermore, the accuser wrote to the D.A. through her lawyer expressing she no longer wanted to pursue criminal charges because the level of media attention would make a criminal trial too “intrusive” of a personal experience. The letter stressed that she was not recanting her accusation.”
When the investigating officers are all Rapistberger’s buddies, there’s probably not gonna be a whole fuck-of-a-lot of evidence against him. I wonder why she never recanted. Maybe because she’s telling the truth? Or maybe I’m jumping to irrational conclusions? I guess we’ll never know exactly what took place, but Rapistberger and his pen o’ pig-pals fucking reek, man! Where’s Steve Wilkos when you really need him?
"...and the results are that Ben... Did NOT tell the truth!"
“As a result of the unabridged details revealed in Bright’s press conference, reaction was swift. Steelers president Art Rooney was reported to be “furious”. The owner of Pittsburgh-based PLB Sports, which marketed “Big Ben’s Beef Jerky”, terminated the company’s five-year sponsorship of Roethlisberger, the first such action in the company’s 14-year history. Jerry Blash finally resigned from the Milledgeville Police on April 15, 2010. Anthony Barravecchio was never disciplined in the incident, despite a local investigation where the Coraopolis Solicitor reviewed the 500-page Georgia Bureau of Investigation file on the matter.”
Yeah. It seems like everything is on the up and up here, I said sarcastically. Jesus Montgomery Christ! This whole thing stinks like Troy Polamalu’s skraggy hair! Not since Walmart’s health care policy has so many been so bent over by so few. I mean, comparatively speaking, of course.
While shopping at Walmart, don't forget to stock up on lube!
And, so, I end with a hearty and passionate “FUCK YOU!!!” to Big Ben Rapistberger. Followed up with another no-less enthusiastic “FUCK YOU!!!” to the whole Steelers organization for letting him come back to work as a professional role model after all of this horrible shit! I like to think that my favorite football team has a strict “no rapists” policy, and if they suddenly didn’t I would abandon my fandom immediately. If you’re a Steelers fan and you’re still reading this, ask yourself; “Why am I still reading this?”. Then ask yourself this follow-up: Do I really want my team led by a alleged two-time rapist who, in his spare time, rides his motorcycle with no helmet like the dumbest of dumb-dumb dummy dumb-asses?”
Well, do you???