So this just happened to me. While I was innocently trolling conservatives and Christians on Facebook as my alter ego “Richard Chancre” I recieved a friend request from a woman whom I do not know. She was cute enough, so I accepted.


She must own one of those fancy picture-in-picture jobs on her TV! Ooh la la!!

Then, right away, she sent me this message:

Christiana Tate – My name is Christiana Tate from the Facebook headquarters based in the USA, I am a Facebook Online Cordinator. How are you doing today?

Me – Hello? Um… what can I do for you?

Christiana Tate – I contacted you because I have good news for you from Facebook. The online draws was conducted by a random selection of emails you were picked by an advanced automated random computer search from the Facebook in other to claim your $950.000.00 the lottery program which is a new innovation by Facebook, is aimed at saying a big thank you to all our users for making Facebook their number one means to connect, communicate, relate and hook up with their families and friends over the years.

Me – OH! You’re some kind of rip-off bullshit bot!

Christiana Tate – This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants and scam artists all participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 20,000 companies and 30,000,000 individuals email addresses from all over the world. This promotional program takes place every three years. You may be rest assured that this is real and legal. There are some scam artists around but thanks to the FBI, 216 of them have been arrested. Hope you understand?

Me – Chew my scrotum, cunt face! Hope you understand?

Christiana Tate – i am your claims officer and i am here to take you through the steps on how you will get your winnings. shall we proceed on the claiming of your winnings?

Me – Sure! I’m an idiot. Let’s play!

Christiana Tate – Sir if you are not careful am gonna disable your account Right now

Me – Did you just now finally figure out that I’m not taking you seriously?

Christiana Tate – yes

Me – Oh. So you’re a real actual person? Who apparently just joined Facebook 15 minuets ago, just to give me a million dollars?

Christiana Tate – yes after you claim your winnings we are gonna disable this account for security purpose

Me – Hmmm… ok… what do I have to do?

Christiana Tate – Firstly, your award is attached to Lucky Number (FB-225-7736), Ticket Number (FB-172-60), Batch Number (FB-0281/544) and Serial Number (99352748-2014)..Note them down now on a safe place and keep its very important

Me – Ok. Then what?

Christiana Tate – You will be required to contact Mr Benjamin Godwin, head for the disbursement department for the claims of your winnings. Send an email to Mr. Benjamin Godwin through this email address now (facebookclaimsdepartments1@outlook.com) with the information about you below:
Full Name:
Contact Address:
Mobile Number:
Marital Status:
Country of Residence:
Your Email Address:
Lucky Number:
Ticket Number:
Batch Number :
Serial Number:

Me – I don’t know if I’m comfortable with this yet. How can I be sure this isn’t some ploy?

Christiana Tate – Sir this is 100% Legitimate. Send those info now to Mr Benjamin Godwin

Me – You’ve already said that. Can you prove it?

Christiana Tate – One moment Sir


Me – What is that supposed to be?

Christiana Tate – that’s to show you that this is !00% legitimate

Me – Really? You’ve got to be kidding. Those look like they were put together in Microsoft Paint!

Christiana Tate – Sir are you serious with your winnings

Me – See, that’s what I’m asking you.

Christiana Tate – Shall we continue with your winnings

Me – I’m sorry, but those pictures looked pretty fake. Here, look:


Me – See? Any knob can do that.

Christiana Tate – Sir should we terminate your winnings or what you seem not to be serious

Me – I’m being very serious. How about an official Facebook website that describes the rules and terms of this lottery? Have you got one of those?

Christiana Tate – Sir if you dont want your winnings tell us lets terminate it

Me – Of course I want a million dollars! But I don’t want to fall for some scam. Now, can you direct me to an official website that has the contest rules so I can read them and know you’re legit, please. Hope you understand?

Christiana Tate –

Me – Hello???? Ms. Scrotum-Chewing Cunt Face? Hellooooooooooooo???

Christiana Tate –

Me – Nothing, eh? I knew it!


That was a confession, by the way. I admitted having a fake Facebook account that I use just to troll people! His name is Richard. Richard Chancre, and I love him! I turn to him whenever I’m in a shitty mood, and I need to troll some fools. Do not judge me! Nah, fuck it. Go ahead and judge me. I’m ok with it, because if I’m right about this, what I’m doing can’t hold the red velvet pouch that carries the solid brass balls these fucking net scammers have!

See, my alter-Facebook-ego is a very foul-mouthed little asshole. So what he does is, he subscribes to as many shitty Conservative, Christian, and Ammosexual (GREAT new word, by the way) news feeds he can think of. So as to more efficiently smear his vulgar graffiti and feces across the eyes and news feeds of those he feels deserve it most. Sarah Palin? Check. Fox News? Check. Joel Olsteen Ministeries? MotherFUCKING check! The NRA, The Tea Party, I Am A Child Of God, The National Association for Gun Rights, FreedomWorks, I Love The Bible, The New York Post, For America, John Hagee Ministries, The Republican National Committee, Allen West, and Def Leopard? Check.

Now regular ol’ me does not like ANY of those things, and I’ve been regular ol’ me on Facebook for years, and I have never -EVER- gotten ONE of those fucking phoney-baloney-pony-con-jockeys sending me a goddamned friend request! And then actually engaging me in conversation? Holy shit! The clanking of their balls! It’s deafening!

They must somehow know that If they had tried to get regular me, I would have ended up doing today’s blog post years ago, because I would have reacted to their advances in exactly the same way. Richard was born just a few months ago, and has never had a single Facebook friend in his sad, angry, short little life.

But now he’s finally got one. Gee. I wonder if there’s a connection. I wonder… if these jokers are preying on those people who vote hard Republican. And I wonder if they’re doing it because they think those people are fucking stupid.


Gene Simmons Is A Rancid Douche


Want to know one of my deepest, darkest secrets?

I like KISS.

No, not the candy-assed post-makeup KISS! I’m talking the original line up with Ace and the Cat guy, what’s it… Trevor I think it was, may he rest in peace. I was born a little late to enjoy their heyday, but I caught a reunion show. It was a lot of fun, and I feel like I have a better understanding of what it might have been like in the 70s. Only the 70s version of the band’s crass commercialism must seem quaint by today’s standards.

And I’m convinced it’s almost entirely Gene Simmons’ fault.


Gene Simmons will seemingly do anything for a buck. He has no moral compass, no sense of artistic integrity, and worst of all, he’s a shitty bass player. He’s the second-worst musician in a band where that’s no small feat.

None of that is news. Even Gene knows this. People have said this to his face-like-thing and he always retorts with something about how much money he has. In YOUR face-like-thing, losers! As if that somehow refutes the point.

The point was, is, and always will be: Gene Simmons is a whore.


…AND he’s hiring!

He’s teamed up with a new marketing firm, and together they’ve hatched a bold, brilliant new idea: Having no idea! They’re instead going to “crowdsource” it on Twitter and the like. Or in other words: “Fuck it! Throw it to the idiots!”

Here’s how The Hollywood Reporter…um, reported it:

“‘The Kiss frontman is asking content creators and fans how the band should celebrate “in the most epic way possible.”‘

Oh boy. I’ve always wanted a job in marketing. It’s in my all-time top three most wanted jobs! Right above “Dog Food Ingredient” and below “Pussy Inspector”. And I already have a T-shirt that says “Dog Food Ingredient”.

“‘Gene Simmons is looking for help celebrating the 40th anniversary of Kiss.”‘

Might I suggest you celebrate with a self-inflicted shotgun blast to your hideous, surgically-deformed face, you fucking whore?

“‘The rocker announced Wednesday night that Kiss is launching a campaign on Tongal — a company that pairs creatives and brands to crowdsource the pitch-and-development process — asking content creators and fans to submit their best ideas for “how Kiss should celebrate their 40th anniversary in the most epic way possible.”‘

This “rocker” (if I may use the term so loosely) is actually working (if I may use THAT term so loosely) with a marketing company to solicit ideas from his everyday, rump-de-dump, “who the fuck are they?” dip-shit fans! What? Is he too busy tounging Donald Trump’s finely bleached anus live on “Fox & Friends” to have any kind of social media presence? Or maybe he could, I don’t know, hire people who normally get paid for their ideas to come up with an idea other than “have random people do it”? Maybe I should tweet that idea to these empty suits?

“‘Typically, Tongal’s brand campaigns involve ideation and pitch processes before moving on to an execution stage where a commercial or campaign is produced. Past projects have included a Star Wars-inspired commercial for Pringles and a Speed Stick ad that aired during the 2013 Super Bowl.”‘

They even admit that, typically, marketeers at least try to come up with new ideas in order to earn their paycheck. Also typically, if you ever ask what random assholes on the internet want to see, the only suitable-for-broadcast idea in their top 100 will be “Star Wars”. What outside-the-box thinkers we have here.

Or maybe he could go on that one piece of shit crime show with the NYPD Blue loser? WE NEED IDEAS HERE, PEOPLE!!

Hey, what if there was a commercial where Gene Simmons was being viciously sodomized by Darth Vader in the dining room of a Taco Bell? Then Darth could say “Gene…make a run…for the border…” and Gene would then drop to his knees and recieve a (tastefully shot) guacamole facial! Then you could put “God Of Thunder-ous Diarrhea” on the drink cups or some shit. How’s that idea? Did I win? Am I rich yet? I’m sure If Taco Bell believed that commercial would make you more likely to laugh in the face of dysintary and eat a Cheesy Gordita Crunchwrap Supreme, Gene would be totally willing to negotiate the price.

To watch the full UNCENSORED version of this video, click HERE!!!

“‘But the Kiss project is part of a new service called Left Field, which allows brands to reach out to creators and fans through a 140-character social media call-to-action to help brainstorm ideas. “‘

Wow! What a great idea that you totally couldnt already do right now! Isn’t that right, Twitter account for Tide detergent?

‘”We’ve always been about the fans,” Simmons tells THR.”‘

Then, after an arresting fit of the giggles subsided, the “rocker” continued:

‘”Tongal allows our fans to throw out ideas, and you know you’re going to make something authentic.”‘

“Throw out” is exactly right. Mark my words: You will not be properly compensated. They later go on to say you might, but I’m calling bullshit. What if you tweet a really great idea to these clowns, they use it, and make a gajilillion dollars as a direct result? What would you get? A couple thousand bucks and the pride in knowing that you got as bent over and fucked as any of Paul Stanely’s STD-riddled groupies? Gee, thanks “rocker“. Glad I could be of fucking help.

“‘He adds that the crowdsourcing process at Tongal is not that different from the collaboration within a band.”‘

Is he saying he needs random yahoos from the internet to help write their next album or something? Because I would love to be proven wrong, and this whole idea can somehow actually become even sadder. Schadenfreudegasim!

‘”One person doesn’t play every instrument. You contribute where you’re skilled.”‘

“…and we obviously suck at marketing. Wait, no we don’t. It’s the music we suck at! What am I talking about? What the fuck am I doing?”

Oh, and one person can play every instrument.

Just because you lack skills, Gene, dosen’t mean everyone else does. I know this might come as a shock to a self-important jackass such as yourself, but it turns out you’re not the greatest man in the history of ever. In fact, you rank somewhere between Sean Hannity and Ted Neugent, and that’s pretty fucking low.

"...and coming up after the break, we'll hear Sebastian Bach's thoughts on the debt ceiling!"

“‘Simmons announced the campaign as part of his appearance at Tongal’s inaugural award show the Tongies, which was held April 2 at the El Rey Theatre. He handed out the award for best Best Original Song used in a campaign. Other awards included Best Broadcast Spot, Best Comedy, Best Idea and Video of the Year. “‘

Ooooh! Isn’t that exciting! I’m sure all the brightest stars of Tinsletown turned out for this gala event! As a big-time “rocker” you must meet lots of famous and interesting people. So tell me, “rocker“, is the Geico lizard as nice as he seems in real life? Did you tag-team Flo from the Progressive ads with Toucan Sam? Did you score any blow off of Speedy The Alka-Seltzer? Yeah, you suck.

The guy makes Howard Stern look like Mark Twain.

This article does not say who won each of these catergories, and I fucking refuse to look it up, so let’s immediately date this blog post and make some predictions.

Best Original Song used in a campaign – “Pepto-Bismol Enema (Sha Na Na)” by Gene Simmons

Best Broadcast Spot – “Pringles Can Stuck On Dong” by Pringles

Best Comedy – “The Lego Movie” by Warner Bros.

Best Idea – “KISS” by Gene Simmons

Video of the Year – “2 Girls, 1 Cup, & A Gene Simmons” by 3 Sickening Prostitutes LLC.

“‘Creatives who participate in Tongal’s projects get paid if they submit winning ideas. This year, Tongal expects to pay more than $15 million to its community.”‘

Oh, is that what they “expect”? What horseshit. I ask again: what if the idea I submit makes your company millions of dollars? Do I hit the $15 million creativity jackpot? Would I even qualify as a “Creative” under contest rules? Would any actualy creative people ever participate in this fucking bullshit? And if a tree falls in the forrest, does Gene Simmons get a royality? The answer to all these questions is: “…maybe?

“‘Tongal co-founder and president James DeJulio says the Kiss campaign represents an opportunity for brands to use the platform to engage fans.”‘

Hey, do you know what else is a really good platform for reaching KISS fans? A literal fucking platform. You know, the kind that KISS can play on. They could set up all their gear, turn it up really loud, and reach thousands and thousands of people who just happen to already be KISS fans. It wouldn’t appear that they thought of that, though. Hey, maybe I should tweet that?!

‘”Like any great brand, Kiss’ fans have supported them and been a part of their lives forever,” he adds. “This campaign creates another deep connection with the band.”‘

Wait, I think there’s a typo in there. Either “brand” or “band” is inncorrect. It should be the same word both times, but I’m not sure which one. Probably “Brand”.

Fucking whore…

I’m not sure how I should end this piece. Hey, lets “crowdsource” it! What do YOU think? How should I end this post? Should I just end it by calling Gene Simmons a “fucking whore” again? Should I post a picture of Gene Simmons holding a crudely drawn dick to his mouth? Or should it just end abruptly, with no

You were right again, Internet. You always are.

Bill Cunningham Is A Racist

It’s been almost a year since I’ve blogged about anything. Sorry, but I’ve been out on a nine month hiking trip through the GumDrop Candy Forest. Well, it started out as a hiking trip. I went to one of Mr. Goodbar’s infamous gingerbread house parties and, long story short, I knocked up a Gummi Bear. Or so I thought. Nine months later, the kid came out half caramel.


If only I’d had the foresight and lack of self respect to call one of those daytime talk shows for one o’ dem lie detector tests to justify my self loathing!

Daytime talk shows are quite formulaic. Jerry Springer, Maury Povich, Steve Wilkos, Bill Cunningham, Trisha Goddard, and the soon to be cancelled Jeremy Kyle all have the same show. Fucked-up people go on TV and look like fucked-up people in order to make the home viewer feel better about themselves.

Sure, your useless, unemployed ass is at home at 1pm watching TV, but at least you're not as fucked-up as these losers!

I enjoy these shows because, frankly, I enjoy the misery of others. Who doesn’t? However, there is one daytime show that’s way WAY worse than any of the others. No, not Dr. Oz. Great guess, though! Thanks for playing! No, I’m talking about…

Bill Cunningham.

This hideous golem doesn’t just have a sub-par TV show where he talks down to black people. He also has a sub-par AM radio talk show where he talks down to everyone! On his radio show, he’s been heard to say stuff like:


“…(Barack Obama’s) father was a typical black father who, right after the birth, left the baby. That’s what black fathers do. They simply leave.”

After careful consideration (aka: overthinking it), I am convinced that this man is such a racist bigot, he actually started a TV show to not only get ratings and make money like his daytime contemporaries, but to also back up his own disgustingly racist and bigoted views about black people! Kind of like a less subtle Pat Robertson.

And I’m saying he almost exclusively features only crazy, shouting black people on his show. Like, more than the average shit-ass talk show. Seriously. Flip channels and check once in awhile. They are almost always black, and they’re rarely not yelling.

If you enjoyed the above video, you’ll love this charming bit from his radio show. Back in 2003, a black man named Nathaniel Jones was beaten to death by Cincinnati cops. Jones was 400 pounds of angel dust-fueled insanity, and the cops just went whack-a-mole on his ass. Preliminary autopsy results (as reported by Fox News) showed that he may not have died from the severe beating, but from heart failure due to his girth and the ridiculous amount of PCP in his body. Too bad the whole thing was caught on video, and the black community got pissed off about it. The cops looked bad once again, and the whole thing was just sad. Not technically a “tragedy”, but still sad. Therefore I have no jokes about it. I just don’t see it as an especially humorous event. However, handsome media superstar Bill Cunningham thought it was the perfect subject to write a wacky song about! Everybody sing along!


“The fat man ever after has a martyr’s place/ Let’s all ignore whatever drugs he had…His death was unrelated to his injuries but still we hear the people sing police brutality/ lies go on bro la la how the lies go on.”

Tee-fucking-hee. This is the same Bill Cunningham that now has a show featuring African-American guests that he and his producers help make look like Hustler magazine cartoons, and he scolds them about their personal family relationship problems. Being a guest on this bigot’s show would be like getting a blow job in a public men’s room through a hole in a “God Hates Fags” sign.

This man is a racist.

Fox’s story about it:

Fox News! We distort...You decry!



It would stand to reason that Bill would hate the president. Not only is Obama black (or black enough for Bill to hate) but apparently, if you have an AM talk radio show, it’s required by FCC regulations that you do nothing but talk shit on Obama. Media trail blazer Bill Cunningham never strays from the established tropes of the medium he’s working in. Got an AM radio talk show? That’s easy! Do the ol’ Limbaugh shtick! Got a daytime TV talk show? No problem! Do the ol’ Maury shtick! Bill Cunningham is so derivative and creatively bankrupt, Hollywood producers masturbate to his show transcripts.

Here’s a fun quote from The Bill Cunningham Radio Show where Bill accuses The President Of The United States Of America of wanting to “gas the Jews”.


During the October 30 broadcast of his Cincinnati-based radio show, Bill Cunningham asked “Randy Furman,” a fictional Jewish character voiced by fellow WLW-AM host Scott Sloan: “Did you hear about this [Columbia University professor of Middle East studies Rashid] Khalidi tape where [Sen. Barack] Obama is toasting a guy who wants to gas and fry Jews? … This Obama guy loves the PLO [Palestinian Liberation Organization]. Can’t you figure that out?” Cunningham later added, “Jews for [Sen. John] McCain because Obama wants to gas the Jews, like the PLO wants to gas the Jews, like the Nazis gassed the Jews. You got Obama introducing Arab terrorists, and the L.A. Times won’t release the story.”

Holy shit! At least Glenn Beck was honest enough with his audience to say his kooky Nazi bullshit on both his radio and TV shows. Bill tries to fool his TV audience by disguising his bigotry within a simulacrum of the typical paint-by-numbers daytime format. The racism is definitely still there if you know to look for it. Now you do. You’re welcome.


“I guess the L.A. Times still has that tape on Khalidi, and they don’t release it because it’s injurious to the interest of Obama. Can you imagine if the media had a tape of maybe John McCain at a Ku Klux Klan rally or at an abortion-clinic benefit and he’s standing there toasting the guy who bombed the abortion clinic, and the L.A. Times wouldn’t release it?”

Sure. I’d imagine the media coverage for a presidential candidate participating at a fucking Clan rally would be vastly different than the coverage of a senator toasting an American university professor. Probably because one of these things doesn’t involve anything particularly newsworthy, and the other one would involve celebrated war hero John McCain participating at a fucking KKK rally! It’s like comparing apples and date rape. Good eye, Bill. Nice job.

Oh, and notice how he played the KKK card? Have I mentioned that this man is a racist?

This man is a racist.

If you need a non-racial/non-political reason to avoid this grotesque human hemorrhoid, try this:


Cunningham’s WLW show (in Cincinnati) went on a brief hiatus in June 2010 due to a contract dispute. Soon after, WLW’s owner, Clear Channel, announced that he signed a long-term agreement to stay with the station. In released remarks commenting on his decision, Cunningham said, “Cincinnati is my home. The first air I breathed. The first milk I drank was from Cincinnati. Others may have come as carpetbaggers to loot the Queen City and then move on. Willie will remain true.”

Hey, at least he’s loyal! He’s proud to have been born in Cincinnati, Ohio (he said it was “the first air he breathed”) and he don’t take kindly to carpetbaggers trying to fuck with his home town!

Bill Cunningham was born in Covington, Kentucky

Oh, well, fuck that all to Hell! Never mind.

“Cunningham was one of four children and has described his father as an abusive alcoholic who left the family when Cunningham was 11.”

Gee, Bill. I didn’t know you were half black.

In all seriousness, that’s actually pretty sad. I wish I could help. If only…hey wait! I just got a great idea for the next episode of Bill’s TV show! Quickly! To the DeLorean! We need to give Bill’s dad a lie detector test!

"Souls? Where we're going, we won't need...souls...

I Hate Ben Roethlisberger!!

DISCLAIMER – The following essay contains opinions about accusations that have NOT been proven in a court of law. But then, neither has gravity, nor how magnets work, or even the existence of God. But I digress. What I’m saying is that I know no more about the facts of these cases than your average Internet troll, and I’m not joking when I say I have absolutely no money, so please don’t bother suing me for slander and/or libel if applicable. Thank you.

There he is. “Big” Ben Roethlisberger. What a foul, despicable, odious, slimy, loathsome, abhorrent, repugnant, abominable, dirty, contemptible, heinous, unscrupulous son of a bitch! I hope he goddamn DIES! He’s a thick-necked walking flank steak with a meat ball head shaped like a bell (or “meat-bell”). I’m saying he’s shaped like a snowman, and seems about as smart as one. Oh, and never forget, he’s probably a rapist. Could he actually be an active NFL quarterback who got away with rape? Well, if he is, *ahem*, I HOPE HE GODDAMN DIES!!

Big Ben Rapistberger (as he’s know in my house) is notorious for his extremely bad sportsmanship, but screw that. I couldn’t care less about the fact that he’s a little bitch on the field (even though he totally IS). I could never give enough of a shit about any of that garbage to write so many words about it. No, I hate him for all the fucked up shit he’s done off the field. I guess for some people, that kind of stuff doesn’t matter, as long as he wins games. But this opinion is only held by raging Steelers fans who are willfully blind to the black eye the whole organization wears due to Rapistberger’s presence.

Oh, and by the way, after watching him cough up last Sunday’s game against the Dallas CowGirls, I think a Steelers fan should start to wonder if having a brain-damaged rapist on the roster is really worth the accompanying social stigma. All joking aside, I just want to say this to any Steelers fans who may be reading: You have shit taste in football, and you should all be ashamed of yourselves for not shunning this fuckhead. Pick a different team, you jackass.

So without further ado… Some more ado; Here’s three big “Fuck You’s” to Big Ben Rapistberger and the Pittsburg Steelers:

Fuck You #1 – Get Your Motor Running…Head Out Into Windshields!

Get a load of this shit. This dweeb used to like to ride his rice burning Suzuki Hayabusa around scenic downtown Pittsburg… with NO HELMET! Holy 2011 Superbowl Loser, BatMan! Can you even imagine doing something THAT fucking stupid without the aid of alcohol or sweet, sweet bath salts? Is Ben Rapistberger so used to head injuries, that he’s now learned to just enjoy all the pretty stars and bells? There’s nothing but concrete around you, you big dumb asshole! What if you had to make a sudden stop? What if you had to lay the cycle down? What the fuck are you thinking? You could lose your amazingly awesome job as an NFL quarterback! What a big dumb asshole!

Hey, you! What's with that pussy helmet, faggot?!

So, of course, one day (Monday, June 12, 2006, at 11:17 a.m. EDT to be exact) he helmetlessly smashes into oncoming traffic, flying over the handlebars of his mighty rapistcycle like a spam loaf from a sling shot. Luckily, the car’s windshield was there to cushion his concussion. Oh, and did I mention that the Suzuki Hayabusa is known to be one of the fastest motorcycles ever made? Don’t worry, though. I’m sure Big Ben wasn’t going over the speed limit. Since when has he ever exhibited a tendency towards poor decision making?

The paramedics arrived at the scene just in time to save his worthless life. I’m sure his alleged rape victims would agree with me when I say “Boy, we sure dodged a bullet there” sarcastically.

After kissing the windshield, they sold his face leavin's as "food".

Fuck You #2 – RAPE # 1 -“No-Tell Hotel Hell”

Here’s why I really hate this ratcunt. Let me say again that all of the crap I’m about to bring up has never been proven in a court of law. But then again, neither has the female orgasm, nor that what Taco Bell serves is food, or that MTV is either music or television, or that Fox News is actually news…but, again, I digress. Anyhoo, here’s the story. The following is from Wikipedia, so you know it’s factually infallible.

“On July 17, 2009, a civil suit was filed in Washoe County, Nevada District Court accusing Roethlisberger of sexually assaulting Andrea McNulty, 31, in June 2008 in his hotel room while he was in Lake Tahoe for a celebrity golf tournament.”

Boy, that Don Juan Rapistberger sure has a way with the ladies! Check out the smooth move he uses on his victim…er, his… Hmmm…

No, on second thought, let’s go with ‘victim’:

“According to the woman, she was working as an executive casino host in July 2008, when she said Roethlisberger struck up a friendly conversation at her desk during the golf tournament.”

See what he’s doing here? He’s creating a bullshit facade by publicly trying to charm his victim in front of witnesses in order to establish a sort of “rape alibi” for when witnesses get questioned by the police later. That way they’ll say that she seemed to be comfortable and pleasant around him, since by that point she hadn’t been raped yet. Or, since she’s the hostess at the casino that was holding the golf tournament, they’ll say she even seemed overly friendly or even flirtatious, which is kinda part of her job. I call this premeditation. Ben calls it foreplay.

Let’s fast forward to when Big Ben Rapistberger creates the circumstance that lured the poor woman into his clutches. Buckle up.

“The next night she said Roethlisberger telephoned her to tell her that the television sound system in his room wasn’t working and asked her to look at it. The woman said she determined that the TV was functioning properly, but as she turned to leave he stood in front of the door and blocked her, then grabbed her and started to kiss her.”

Gee, what a hopeless romantic, huh ladies? That short-dicked dog-fucker.

According to the lawsuit, the woman obtained hospital treatment after the alleged attack. But there wasn’t enough physical evidence for anything to stick. So I guess that’s the end of it. Or it would have been, if there hadn’t been a sequel.

And this is what was used as lubricant!


I might give Rapistberger the benefit of the doubt if not for the second victim. One could be a misunderstanding. But this second one is so detestable and atrocious, it’s pretty hard to just dismiss or ignore it. The following (*sigh*) allegedly happened just ten months before that Superbowl that he went to and lost. Boy, it pisses me off to think that the Steelers didn’t just out n’ out fire his stupid ass merely because they couldn’t find someone else who could throw a fucking football as well on such short notice. If only there was a law against rape…

From Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia:

“On March 5, 2010, it was revealed that police in Milledgeville, Georgia were investigating Roethlisberger for a sexual assault inside the women’s restroom of the Capital City nightclub. The accuser, a then-20-year-old student at nearby Georgia College & State University, was seen at several establishments with Roethlisberger leading up to the incident, including posing for a photograph with him.”

There he goes again! Establishing his patented, unimpeachable Rape Alibi ™. Well it turns out, he didn’t need to, thanks to his bodyguards’ day jobs.

“Roethlisberger spoke with police the night of the incident and stated that he did have contact with the woman that was not “consummated” and afterward the accuser slipped and injured her head.”

"Oh, yeah, by the way, officer. My alleged date-rape victim had a little 'accident' when I smashed her head into the filthy, scuzzy nightclub bathroom sink while I was (allegedly) raping her. Er, I mean, she slipped. Oopsie!"

“In interviews with the police on the night of the incident, the woman alleged that Roethlisberger, after inviting her and her friends to the V.I.P. area of the nightclub, encouraged them to do numerous shots of alcohol before Anthony Barravecchio — an off-duty Coraopolis, Pennsylvania policeman, undercover DEA narcotics officer at Pittsburgh International Airport, and one of Roethlisberger’s bodyguards — stated he led her down a hallway to a stool and left. Witnesses, however, stated that Barravecchio “placed his hand” on the accuser’s shoulder and applied “a little bit of pressure to guide her” into the restroom where she claims the assault took place, something Barravecchio’s lawyer denies.”

So an off-duty cop was the accomplice? Oh, I mean, *allegedly* the accomplice? Wow. Holy fuck, WOW! What huge, adamantium-plated balls on this cop! I certainly hope that the REAL police will come to this poor woman’s aid…

“After Barravecchio’s claimed departure, Roethlisberger allegedly approached, exposed himself, and despite the woman’s protests, followed her into what turned out to be a bathroom when she tried to leave through the first door she saw. The woman claims Roethlisberger then had sex with her. It is further alleged that friends of the woman attempted to intervene out of worry, but the second of Roethlisberger’s bodyguards, Edward Joyner—an off-duty Pennsylvania State Trooper—avoided eye contact and said he did not know what they were talking about. The policemen later claimed to “have no memory” of meeting the woman.”

The other guy is an off-duty cop too? The thin blue line apparently has a bit of black and gold in it as well. And rape. Black, Gold, and Rape! Hey! That should be their new team colors! Wait, what color is rape?

Our viscous bodily fluids may run (down your leg), but these colors won't!

“Milledgeville Police Sergeant Jerry Blash, who had posed for a photograph with Roethlisberger earlier in the evening, was the first officer to respond.”

What was that I said earlier about the REAL police coming to this poor woman’s aid? Well, fuck all that to Hell! Slimy, dirty, crooked fucking cops! This story disgusts me so much, I can’t even try to joke about it anymore. Ugh… Let’s just move along…

Let's play a game of "Spot The Asshole"! Hey, guess what! You've already won!

“At the scene, he (Milledgeville Police Sergeant Jerry Blash -pictured above, left-) made a comment about the accuser to Barravecchio: “We have a problem, this drunken [expletive], drunk off her ass, is accusing Ben of rape.” Blash later admitted denigrating the accuser and never formally questioning Roethlisberger; he did speak to the NFL player and his off-duty police bodyguards at the Capital City club, but according to Blash’s own report, Roethlisberger was hardly engaged and spent most of the time on his phone.”

Yeah, on his phone. Probably hunting for his next victim. If there was any justice in this world, Rapistberger would be forced to have his microscopic cock and ball-less scrotum snipped off and shoved down his fucking throat, along with a healthy side-order of cinder block.

Hey, don't grill him too hard there, Sipowitz! Remember, he plays professional football!

By the way. The victim being a, quote – unquote “drunken ____ drunk off her ass…” doesn’t get a rapist off the hook. Obviously the officer said this in self-service, just to improve the overall image of policemen everywhere. So, remember; Sergeant Blash may be as bad as a rapist, but at least he’s not as bad as Hitler, or George W. Bush. Or a Jay Leno monologue. Well…most Jay Leno monologues.

“Roethlisberger hired lawyer Ed Garland, who had previously defended Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis in his murder trial.”

Pictured L to R: Slimy Asshole Prick Lawyer Ed Garland, microphone, unknown.

Oh, great! Yeah, here’s two more fine examples of the human race caught in the crossfire of circumstance. If you didn’t know, Ray Lewis (allegedly) stabbed some people at a Superbowl party until thay’s was dead. But since he ratted out his buddies in a plea bargain cooked up by the slimy asshole prick lawyer Ed Fucking Garland, life’s back to normal for him. In fact, he’s still currently on the Baltimore Ravens’ roster.

So… I guess, fuck the Baltimore Ravens, too!

Employing alleged murderers since 2000!

“On April 12, 2010, district attorney Fred Bright held a press conference to announce that Roethlisberger would not be charged. Bright said “looking at all the evidence here, “I cannot prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt”. Furthermore, the accuser wrote to the D.A. through her lawyer expressing she no longer wanted to pursue criminal charges because the level of media attention would make a criminal trial too “intrusive” of a personal experience. The letter stressed that she was not recanting her accusation.”

When the investigating officers are all Rapistberger’s buddies, there’s probably not gonna be a whole fuck-of-a-lot of evidence against him. I wonder why she never recanted. Maybe because she’s telling the truth? Or maybe I’m jumping to irrational conclusions? I guess we’ll never know exactly what took place, but Rapistberger and his pen o’ pig-pals fucking reek, man! Where’s Steve Wilkos when you really need him?

"...and the results are that Ben... Did NOT tell the truth!"

“As a result of the unabridged details revealed in Bright’s press conference, reaction was swift. Steelers president Art Rooney was reported to be “furious”. The owner of Pittsburgh-based PLB Sports, which marketed “Big Ben’s Beef Jerky”, terminated the company’s five-year sponsorship of Roethlisberger, the first such action in the company’s 14-year history. Jerry Blash finally resigned from the Milledgeville Police on April 15, 2010. Anthony Barravecchio was never disciplined in the incident, despite a local investigation where the Coraopolis Solicitor reviewed the 500-page Georgia Bureau of Investigation file on the matter.”

Yeah. It seems like everything is on the up and up here, I said sarcastically. Jesus Montgomery Christ! This whole thing stinks like Troy Polamalu’s skraggy hair! Not since Walmart’s health care policy has so many been so bent over by so few. I mean, comparatively speaking, of course.

While shopping at Walmart, don't forget to stock up on lube!

And, so, I end with a hearty and passionate “FUCK YOU!!!” to Big Ben Rapistberger. Followed up with another no-less enthusiastic “FUCK YOU!!!” to the whole Steelers organization for letting him come back to work as a professional role model after all of this horrible shit! I like to think that my favorite football team has a strict “no rapists” policy, and if they suddenly didn’t I would abandon my fandom immediately. If you’re a Steelers fan and you’re still reading this, ask yourself; “Why am I still reading this?”. Then ask yourself this follow-up: Do I really want my team led by a alleged two-time rapist who, in his spare time, rides his motorcycle with no helmet like the dumbest of dumb-dumb dummy dumb-asses?”

Well, do you???

Paul Ryan Still Sucks

Since the election is near and the man will hopefully become largely irrelevant again, I’m re-posting a link to the blog I wrote about Paul Ryan a few months back. I think I did a pretty good job of shitting on his little pin-head!


Paul Ryan Fun Facts!

By now, I’m sure you’ve heard that Mitt Romney has picked Paul Ryan to be his lovely wedded vice presidential candidate. This is very exciting news for fans of Rage Against The Machine, hillbilly hand fishing, and schadenfreude! But just how much do you know about our new favorite shithead? After literally minutes of painstaking research, I’ve discovered 6 fascinating facts about this cocksucker, and I’ll be presenting them in a misleading and disingenuous fashion (not unlike the way a Republician might). And I will share them with you right…about…

...wait for it...


• He was born into wealth.


Paul Ryan was born on February 31st, 197X to father Nolan, and mother Zorkan The Executioner. The day he was born, the doctors diagnosed him with the rare disability known as “Microphallus” and declared him “legally ugly”. Both of which helped spark…

View original post 1,291 more words

What Is Obama’s Plan?

What Is Obama’s Plan?

Boy, that debate was frustrating, wuddinit? Romney came out swinging with his famous trademarked “ZINGERS! ™” and Obama was M.I.A.

I couldn't believe the headlines the next morning!

How could this happen? If you were watching MSNBC, you would have seen Chris Mathews’ eyes roll into the back of his head moments before the explosion. Of his head.

Somewhere in storage, I have an old Ninja Turtle action figure with the same expression on it's face.

His fucking head blew up! So did mine, but I’m feeling much better now. Chris Mathews…well, he still feels like whatever he is. But, hey! What the fuck? Watching Mitt Romney’s campaign implode over the last year-and-a-half has really been a lot of fun! Especially back in the primaries. Everyone knew Mitt was getting the nomination, but the GOP was obviously bummed out by it. They threw every proverbial turd at the wall to see if someone…ANYONE else would stick! They had the dumb racist from Texas. There was the perverted pizza guy who thought “Lybia” was vaginal drapery. Don’t forget the crazy bitch with the gay husband! And not one, but two assholes from TV. All led by the always lovable Newt Fucking Gingrich!

Boy... why can't we just elect them all, huh?

As appealing as they all were, in that they were all as appealing as four years of searing groin pain, It was Mitt’s destiny to lose this election. The fact that Mitt was facing an uphill battle right off the bat will be the way Limbaugh, Fox, and their kind will retroactively spin the debates, the most recent rash of shameless racism, the Republican voter fraud that’s going around, and Mitt’s inevitable loss in November. Unlike how they spun Obama’s uphill battle against all the problems inherited from the previous administration.

Problems like: How do you change your desktop image?

Not only is Mitt Romney a corporate criminal who should be arrested in public, preferably with no pants, crying and sobbing like a bitch because he knows he’s about to go the way of the mighty Maddoff, never to see his loved ones again (“loved ones” in this context being Mitt’s millions of dollars). Not only that, but the Republicans are trying to steal the election. No, really. It’s absolutely true. This isn’t some half baked conspiracy theory bullshit, this is happening to you, right now, to-fucking-day.

Like, for instance, ignore any signs like this.

Have you heard about all of the voter fraud the Republicans have been up to? Of course you have! First, there’s the wonderfully corrupt world of electronic voting machines. I’ve hated these fuckers since 2004, when a bunch of them showed up in Ohio with possibly thousands of votes for Bush already pre-programmed in.

It was the same year that “The Passion Of The Christ” was number one at the box office, just to give you an idea of 2004’s intellectual zeitgeist. It’s also the year the government admitted there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and CBS gave us the feel good story about the horrific, systematic torture of Iraq Prisoners at the fabulous, palatial Abu Ghraib Prison! Now a days, Obama’s on the ropes about some rich asshole’s taxes being too high. How the fuck did Bush ever get reelected? By rigging the electronic voting machines, of course! And they’re getting ready to do it again.

and Obama stayed cool...

Then, the GOP hired an election consulting firm or some such shit, called the Strategic Allied Consulting firm. Anyway, the GOP had to fire the firm recently, and play dumb about their past caught red-fucking-handed record of voter registration fraud, when Strategic Allied Consulting was caught committing…wait for it… voter registration fraud! Wha?!?! Who’d a thunk it?

A proud employee of Strategic Allied Consulting!

Then, I saw this story about a Repub phone phreak making racist and, more importantly, bullshit comments when calling voters in some backward armpit state full of red-neck assholes and old fucks. Probably Florida. Lemmie check… Yep. Florida.

And Obama is, still, cool.

And then I read this, and saw that two stories about electronic voting machine fraud had two states in common, Pennsylvania and Virginia, for a total of 33 electoral votes. Thats more than enough to change an election’s outcome. Ask Al Gore.

Anything, Mitt? Why do I doubt the verisimilitude of that big gay sign?

Did anyone see Obama’s speech yesterday? You know, the one I only saw 15 second soundbites from? Obama suddenly sounded like the guy who was supposed to show up to that debate! Going after Mitt about his Sesame Street comment, and being cool and funny about it! Wow! Is that the same guy?

Yep. Still cool.

Someone famous (who I’m too lazy to Google) once (probably) said; “Politics is chess, not checkers” and that’s what I think we’re seeing here. Mark my words. Someday very soon, the true reason for Obama’s apparent throwing of the first debate will make sense in a bigger picture yet to be seen. Hey! Want my unsubstantiated opinion of what Obama’s plan may be? C’mon! It’s fun, you’ll see! Why would Obama play “Rope-A-Dope” with Mitt Romney during their first debate?

What? Something about Bob Uecker?

Hey, I like Biden. I’d vote for him! But it would seem that some people think of him as an idiot. Probably because the media, desperate for a comedic angle on the man, decided to marginalize Joe with a ‘moron’ label. It’s ok. I understand. Joe seems a bit shot out of a canon. Plus, he drops ‘F’ bombs at inopportune times. So I can see why Obama would possibly be propping up a possible Biden 2016 presidential run. I mean, Obama is still gonna win, and if he doesn’t, the American people will call shenanigans.

Body language experts on FoxNews said nothing of this photo.

Go ahead, America! Underestimate Joe Biden next Thursday! If my hunch is right, that’s exactly what they want you to do! And after Biden cuts Paul Ryan into itty-bitty little asshole-pieces, everyone can talk about how smart and presidential Joe looked, and how much of a chopped-up collection of little asshole pieces Paul Ryan resembled. And when Joe Biden is being sworn in four years from now, I’ll re-post a link to this blog and say I told you so!

Ugh! I’m done. I can’t do it. I can’t stomach politics anymore. I’m empty and tired. It doesn’t matter what I think, and Republicans are pulling out the stops to make my vote just as meaningless as my opinion. I just hope I’m right about this. Obama’s got a plan! Right?


For more on Paul Ryan, read what I wrote about him when he first got the VP pick HERE.

Answering The Unanswerable; 8 Philosophical Questions Get Their Asses Kicked In The Teeth!

I found this article on i09, and it got me thinking. Or, at least it got me thinking about something other than Kat Denning’s luscious titties, if only momentarily.

Pictured: Possible proof of God.

I’m bored, and up past my bedtime, so I’ve decided to try and answer these so-called “unanswerable” philosophical questions. I thought it was actually pretty easy, but I’m really smart and junk. Irregardless, check out how smartastic I am!

• Why is there something rather than nothing?
This is an easy one. Existence exists because it must. In fact, if everything was nothing, then nothing would become something by default. Dude! Did I just blow your fucking mind?! No? Oh. Well, then…moving on…

• Is our universe real?
Isn’t this basically the same question? If the universe is fake, then everything would actually be nothing? Perhaps this would make more sense if I was totally baked?

• Do we have free will?
Do I have to answer that?

• Is there a God?

Only if you think there is.

• Is there life after death?
Only dead people know the answer to this one, and they ain’t talkin’.

All bullshit aside, I have a theory about this. Hear me out. I believe that when you die, your mind’s final thought is your afterlife, and to you, it seems like an eternity. Why not? It makes more sense than most other crapola theories I’ve heard about this! Allow me to elaborate;

Have you ever had a dream that seemed to take longer than it really did? For example, let’s say you fall asleep at midnight. You proceed to have a really vivid dream where you and the redhead from “That 70’s Show” fly naked through a seemingly endless series of technicolor vaginas, battling sentient chess pieces with laser dildos.

Or, you know, something to that effect.

You suddenly wake up right as Batman starts ejaculating on an Atari 5200 with your father’s face, and you look at the clock by your bed…

1:30? But it seems like hours have passed!

That’s what I’m talking about. I think it’s possible that you simply dream an afterlife that feels like an eternity in your last seconds of life. And your subconsciously held religious beliefs dictate the quality of your great reward. Shit. I should start a religion! I’ll show Mitt Romney how to avoid paying taxes like a pro!

"Taxes are for peasants!"

Besides, Heaven would have to be an intensely personal experience, wouldn’t it? As they say; one man’s Heaven is another man’s Hell. I’m sure all of those judgmental, book-burning, sanctimonious religious ratcunts think they’re going to Heaven. And it would stop being Heaven the moment they arrived.

Aw, shit! There goes the neighborhood.

This theory would also explain near-death experiences. When those people describe doing stuff like floating over their body, and kickin’ it old school with their great-great grandfather and/or Soupy Sales, they’re just describing their mad death-dream.


Ultimately, it’s impossible to know what happens when you die until you do it. Anyone who tries to convince you that they somehow know otherwise is a charlatan and a manipulative liar! So remember, kids! Believe in agnosticism! No matter how contradictory and asinine that statement may seem!

I really hope you don't become a ghost when you die! Judging by all of those ghost-tracking cable shows, that's an impotent and pathetic existence. And being a ghost would suck too! BOO!!

• Can you really experience anything objectively?
Sure! I do that every time I turn on the radio. Or whenever Mitt Romney speaks. Or when I watch a movie, or a TV show, or even a porno. Besides, what’s the alternative? And how can you objectively observe objectivity, anyway? This isn’t so much a philosophical question than it is a stupid one.

• What is the best moral system?
What, you mean, like, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you” and all that? Hmmm… I’ve got an even more ideal idea! How about;
“Ass, gas, or grass… No one rides for free!”
Or maybe;
“With great power, comes great responsibility!”
“Tobacco is whacko (if you’re a teen)!”
I’ve got more! Morality lightning round: GO!
“Hit it and quit it!”
“If at first you don’t succeed, masturbate!”
“It’s a choice, not a child (yet)!”
“Always ask permission before you ejaculate in someone’s hair!”
“You can prick your finger, but don’t finger your prick!”
“Stop fucking with your iPhone when I’m talking to you, goddamnit!”
“Eat shit and bark at the moon!”
“Never mix Lucky Charms and ranch dressing!”

…sorry. I got carried away. Yeah, “Do unto others…” works. I imagine I’ll go to Heaven that way. Get it? I ‘imagine’ I’ll go…? *rim-shot*

• What are numbers?
I don’t have any scientific research to back this up, but I’ll go out on a limb and guess that numbers were most likely invented to count stuff. Numbers are just a human invention. A brilliant invention, but an invention none the less. You’ve gotta be able to count stuff like time, in order to monitor your own decay. That’s why they will never invent a time machine. There’s really no such thing as time. We made that up too. It’s not an observable, natural phenomenon. Like gravity, or electricity, or morning wood. You can’t control what does not exist. But we can dream…

What do you think, dear reader? If you leave a comment, I personally guarantee* you will go to Heaven!

*Offer void to residents of Utah, Texas, and Gotham City. Winner must pass credit check before a lease is offered. Must be 18 or over. When in Heaven, don't pester Elvis.

Now where was I? Oh...yeah... Seriously. Google "Kat Dennings nude". Spectacular!