CLASSIC VIDEO GAME TIME!
Today’s Topic- Deleted Scenes In NES Games?!
Check this out. There’s this web site called The Cutting Room Floor, and it’s apparently run by some friendly hobby hackers who comb through the actual code of the games to find stuff that was left out of the final product. It’s pretty neat of you’re a total fucking nerd like me. So, here are a couple of the more interesting examples that I could find:
***BIONIC COMMANDO*** unused conversations
This game took the NESese’s most crippling liability, the boring old jump button, and replaced it with exactly infinite infinity times the awesome. I did the math on that by entering all 9s on a calculator, and then putting it in the microwave, and setting it on ten minutes. The results were astounding (and surprisingly tasty!)
By having a bionic arm instead of just an improbably high 3 story jump like his contemporaries, he could swing like Spiderman, he could smack fools around with it like a cyborg pimp hand, and he could grab shit like Rick Santorum grabs at men through glory holes with a Grabber Tool. (I’m alleging. But since apparently most ultra-conservatives like to have gay sex, sometimes in public bathrooms, it’s just a matter of time. Mark my words. Anyone with that big a stick up their ass about sex is hiding some dark, dark shit.)
THE MISSING SCENE
Apparently, the Bionic Commando himself was thinking along the same lines, judging from a mysterious deleted section of dialog hidden deep inside the actual code of the game. Due to the process of its discovery, it’s impossible to know the context, or even proper order, of the intended conversation. So here it is, as is. I’ll do my best to fill in the blanks:
“Oh, great. Another fucking communicator. Thanks Staff Sargent Waste-My-Fucking-Time!”
I’M CAPTAIN MACK
OF THE IMPERIAL
“Yeah, glad you met me, is that all?”
YOU WANT TO COME
INTO ROOM IN THE
IS THAT SO,
“It’s cold in here is all. Look, let’s just hurry this up. Ready?”
“Right. Were two men having anal sex in the middle of a war zone, but only ONE of us is an idiot!”
HOW COULD YOU DO
SUCH A CRUEL
“I thought the safe word was “Crying”! Oh, you were…
***DUCKTALES*** Alternate ending
THE GAME: Based on the cartoon, you control Scrooge McDuck as he travels the side-scrolling world looking for treasure, hoping to amass the worlds largest fortune. Sure he may vote Republican, but well forgive him since he’s out there busting his OWN ass for his filthy money! Though he’ll probably vote against Gyro and Gizmo-Duck’s right to marry.
THE MISSING SCENE: THE ALTERNATE “BAD” ENDING
This is one you can actually do at home if you are truly the sad and lonely type. Just follow these simple steps! It’s as easy as one, two, seven!
1-Play through the whole game until you arrive at the final boss, Dracula Duck.
2-I hope you’ve read at least this far before actually going through with step one, because you have to show up with a total money amount divisible by exactly $3,000,000. Math? I’m out.
3-Take damage. This is without a doubt the hardest step because the bosses in this game are easier to accidentally kill than a Tot Mom’s Tot.
4-Press Select to restore your hit points (this costs $3,000,000). I didn’t know you could even do that until just now! How could you ever need to? Knowledge truly is power.
5-Repeat steps 2 and 3 until broke.
6-Finish off Count Duckula and win the short pointless race to the treasure.
7-Scrooge weeps sad, bitter tears. Poor dear. Scottish or not, who wouldn’t drink themselves to a blackout daily after risking your life going to the goddamn MOON and having nothing to show for it but a humiliating splash page on the cover of the Duck Press (How’d they find out? Who owns that paper?Rupert Merduck!) I’m just saying, when was the last time you were on a fucking pogo stick? And how long did THAT shit go on for? I have no idea where this pant-less duck monster keeps it’s genitals, but are they gonna’ hurt? Goddamn!
You’ve truly earned this stupid loser screen. Enjoy, loser! You’re a LOSER!!!
Or you could just watch it here, if you’re a winner.
Tune in next time to find out the truth behind the deleted power-up that turned Super Mario into a black man??