Deleted Scenes From NES Games

CLASSIC VIDEO GAME TIME!

20120325-034110.jpg
Fuck X-Box! Eat me, Wii! Sony wants how much for a PS3? Who am I? Mitt Romney? Piss off! I’ve got my trusty Nintendo Entertainment Mutherfukin System!

20120325-034337.jpg
And I’ve got my balls Testosterone roar!!!
So here is what I hope to be the first of many little tributes to the NES.

Today’s Topic- Deleted Scenes In NES Games?!
Check this out. There’s this web site called The Cutting Room Floor, and it’s apparently run by some friendly hobby hackers who comb through the actual code of the games to find stuff that was left out of the final product. It’s pretty neat of you’re a total fucking nerd like me. So, here are a couple of the more interesting examples that I could find:

20120325-034510.jpg
***BIONIC COMMANDO*** unused conversations
THE GAME
This game took the NESese’s most crippling liability, the boring old jump button, and replaced it with exactly infinite infinity times the awesome. I did the math on that by entering all 9s on a calculator, and then putting it in the microwave, and setting it on ten minutes. The results were astounding (and surprisingly tasty!)
By having a bionic arm instead of just an improbably high 3 story jump like his contemporaries, he could swing like Spiderman, he could smack fools around with it like a cyborg pimp hand, and he could grab shit like Rick Santorum grabs at men through glory holes with a Grabber Tool. (I’m alleging. But since apparently most ultra-conservatives like to have gay sex, sometimes in public bathrooms, it’s just a matter of time. Mark my words. Anyone with that big a stick up their ass about sex is hiding some dark, dark shit.)

THE MISSING SCENE
Apparently, the Bionic Commando himself was thinking along the same lines, judging from a mysterious deleted section of dialog hidden deep inside the actual code of the game. Due to the process of its discovery, it’s impossible to know the context, or even proper order, of the intended conversation. So here it is, as is. I’ll do my best to fill in the blanks:

HERE’S ANOTHER
COMMUNICATOR FOR
YOU.
HURRY,TAKE IT.
“Oh, great. Another fucking communicator. Thanks Staff Sargent Waste-My-Fucking-Time!”

I’M CAPTAIN MACK
OF THE IMPERIAL
FORCE.
“Yeah, glad you met me, is that all?”

YOU WANT TO COME
INTO ROOM IN THE
BACK?
“…really? Um…ok”

IS THAT SO,
THAT,S VERY
DISAPPOINTING.
“It’s cold in here is all. Look, let’s just hurry this up. Ready?”

OUCH,IT HURTS,
YOU IDIOT!
“Right. Were two men having anal sex in the middle of a war zone, but only ONE of us is an idiot!”

HOW COULD YOU DO
SUCH A CRUEL
THING?
“I thought the safe word was “Crying”! Oh, you were…

———————————

20120325-035546.jpg
***DUCKTALES*** Alternate ending
THE GAME: Based on the cartoon, you control Scrooge McDuck as he travels the side-scrolling world looking for treasure, hoping to amass the worlds largest fortune. Sure he may vote Republican, but well forgive him since he’s out there busting his OWN ass for his filthy money! Though he’ll probably vote against Gyro and Gizmo-Duck’s right to marry.

THE MISSING SCENE: THE ALTERNATE “BAD” ENDING
This is one you can actually do at home if you are truly the sad and lonely type. Just follow these simple steps! It’s as easy as one, two, seven!
1-Play through the whole game until you arrive at the final boss, Dracula Duck.
2-I hope you’ve read at least this far before actually going through with step one, because you have to show up with a total money amount divisible by exactly $3,000,000. Math? I’m out.
3-Take damage. This is without a doubt the hardest step because the bosses in this game are easier to accidentally kill than a Tot Mom’s Tot.
4-Press Select to restore your hit points (this costs $3,000,000). I didn’t know you could even do that until just now! How could you ever need to? Knowledge truly is power.
5-Repeat steps 2 and 3 until broke.
6-Finish off Count Duckula and win the short pointless race to the treasure.
7-Scrooge weeps sad, bitter tears. Poor dear. Scottish or not, who wouldn’t drink themselves to a blackout daily after risking your life going to the goddamn MOON and having nothing to show for it but a humiliating splash page on the cover of the Duck Press (How’d they find out? Who owns that paper?Rupert Merduck!) I’m just saying, when was the last time you were on a fucking pogo stick? And how long did THAT shit go on for? I have no idea where this pant-less duck monster keeps it’s genitals, but are they gonna’ hurt? Goddamn!

20120325-035638.jpg
You’ve truly earned this stupid loser screen. Enjoy, loser! You’re a LOSER!!!
Or you could just watch it here, if you’re a winner.

Tune in next time to find out the truth behind the deleted power-up that turned Super Mario into a black man??

Advertisements

One thought on “Deleted Scenes From NES Games

  1. Dude you need an xbox 360 with live. I remember the time you paid like $150 for that damn sealed copy of donkey kong. Fuck that, get a damn xbox and befriend me you arrogant pompous pedantic prick.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s