…And now the news. With your trusted news anchor; Mike Heyknobber.

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Good evening. I’m Mike Heyknobber, and here’s tonight’s top stories;

POLICE IN AUSTRALIA SEIZE 1,230 lbs OF CRYSTAL METH & HEROIN!!

Am I the only one who gets really bummed out whenever ya see a news story about a big drug bust? I mean any kind of drug, too. Not just pot or moonshine. Even the addictive ones. Like meth, or heroin, or that new Batman-flavored Mountain Dew!

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I endorse this product!

Whenever I see big drug busts, I just think…man, that sucks for the local drug addicts! I mean, think about it. It’s just gonna raise prices and complicate things for the user. The only rich addicts are the ones on TV and in tabloids. Like Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan, or Skip Lackey. Most are broke as shit! Living hand to mouth, trying to scrimp and save (*sob*) just to get by! And by “get by” I mean “buy drugs”.
The life of a drug addict is as such. You spend all day and/or night either trying to find drugs, or being high on drugs. So not only does overall productivity suffer, but making the drugs harder to get just complicates the inevitable, and drags productivity down even further. These people will get their drugs. Come Hell or high water… They. Will. Get. Their. Drugs.

DEMOCRATS OFFICIALLY ENDORSE GAY MARRIAGE!!

First reaction: Hooray!!! All right! Yes! Soon, I’ll be marrying my life-partner, Bruce! We’ll be sipping Tab while we watch our adopted, liberally- indoctrinated children play in the above ground pool! Located at our palatial Pflugerville, Texas estate slash trailer park… And with not a care in the world!
Second reaction: I hope the Democrats know what they’re doing! This move is politically risky. If the far-right mental patients rally all the other defectives to vote, and all of the new Republician-approved voter suppression laws are in effect…I’ll be a little worried. They’ll probably frame it as something like “A vote for Mitt Romney is a vote for ‘traditional marriage’…a vote for Barak Obama is a vote for two guys touching their penises together.
It’s our job as citizens to not give a shit about two penises touching together. If I see two penises touch together…I’m gonna be, like, “Whatever, man! You guys go ahead and touch your penises together! I get my kicks above the waist! I get high on life!
And meth…
Life and meth!
Mostly meth…
Hey, I’ll touch your penis for some meth!”

WOMAN FINDS RUSTY BLADE INSIDE BAG OF JOLLY RANCHER CANDY

Wow! A ‘Rusty Blade’ bag! Chock-full of…rusty-blady-goodness! You lucky bitch, I just hate you! You’ve just won the litigation lottery!! Just pretend it’s your birthday, and cut at your wrist with it like you do every year.
BAM! Instant millionaire! Just think of all the meth you could buy!
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Ok, wait…wait…that’s not right. This was obviously some terrible, one-of-a-kind mistake and I’m sure they’ll be glad to pay for the pain and suffering you’re in from the gory blade wound you’ve just self-inflic…er… suffered from on your wrist. Just call the company hotline for Hershey’s (the makers of Jolly Ranchers, Highways, and Squirts) and explain the situation. I’m sure you can both agree on a…wuzzat? They offered you three bags of candy? And what else? That’s it?! Three fucking bags of fucking candy?! Ok, then how about you return the deadly blade to the factory in person? Just start swinging that fucker around inside the reception area. You’ll probably get a few bucks for your troubles. Plus, a free car ride home!

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(PROTIP; At that point, prison is your home!)

No, seriously! Three bags of candy?…you fucking cock-sockets! Fuck you, Hershey’s!!

MORE GUNS AT THE MOVIES?!

Some usher at some movie theater in some hick fucking town saw some dale walk into his theater with a gun. The usher promptly, and correctly, shit his pants. He then told his probably fat and sweaty boss. They stopped the movie and announced to the audience that whoever has the gun to stand up.
Three fucking people stood up.

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No, not them, you numbskull! Why I...

No shots were actually fired, sorry. But you wouldn’t be all that surprised if it happened again, would you? This is why the tired old pro-gun argument of “if everyone’s armed, then everyone’s safe” sounds even more ignorant then anyone could have ever anticipated!
It turns out all three armed strangers were carrying permits. Whew! Really ‘dodged a bullet’ there, eh?!
Ya know… That’s the thing about sanity; you must always think it’s an exclusive club! People who bring guns to a movie for any reason are not members of this club. What happened in Colorado was horrible, but I think I’ll go ahead and live life on the razor’s edge and go to the movies unarmed.
Permit or no, bystanders aren’t usually helpful. There’s a crime committed, like, every fucking second of every day. That’s why they report it on the news when it actually goes well! Sorry, but don’t want to be on the news! So keep the fuck away from me and my family, Paul Kersey!

Yeeeeesh!!! I’m so glad I never go to the movies!

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Only the REAL Paul Kersey is allowed to carry a gun, punk!

It’s 4am and I can’t sleep…

It’s 4AM…and I can’t sleep…
The fuck am I doing up? My mind is bleary and full of weird bullshit. You ever have so much going through your mind that you can’t sleep? Well, that’s me.
Fuck it. What’s on TV…
Christfuck!!! Am I the only one who couldn’t give any less of a shit about the goddamn Olympics? As I type this, NBC is showing yet another life story of some asshole swimmer. I hope he goddamn drowns! Oh! There’s Bob Costas! What a suck-ass! Who elected this fag to be the world’s prime-time king-ding representative of sports?

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Eat a large fuck, Costas! You suck Satan's cock!

I heard Costas had plastic surgery. I guess he wanted to look even more plain. Since I avoid looking at him like it might give me a disease, I Googled for before and after pictures.
Bob Costas before:

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Bob Costas after:

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Hmm...he looks good! I'd fuck 'em!

The one Olympic event I’m looking forward to is that Horse Dressage bullshit. It’ll be fun watching Mitt Romney’s retarded wife diddly-dick around with all this incredibly expensive cheese-dick horse dancing! They have a good chance for the gold, but I think they’d be better off if they switched places and the horse rode Ann around as she danced. The local kids could throw peanuts and D-cell batteries at her. Then, the older ones douse her in pigs blood, while the crowd chants satanic incantations! The peasants are gathering around her in a circle to piss on her head and face and… Woah! I’m letting my dark imagination get away from me. I apologize for suggesting someone should urinate on Ann Romney. Though that does paint a funny picture in my head.

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"Giddy-up, bitch!"

I’m having such a great time watching Miit the Twit fuck his campaign all to Hell! I’m laughing while I can, because I’m afraid the Repubs have something nefarious up their slimy sleeves. The game might be rigged. Remember 2000? Dubya didn’t win that one. People were protesting Dubya from day fucking one! And with good reason! Not like those Tea Baggers that just wave signs that say “Obama Am Hitler” and other illiterate half-witticisms. Matter of fact, I don’t think Dubya won in 2004 election. Here, read (or skim) this:

Fucked, isn’t it? I don’t think I’m a crazy conspiracy nut, but then, crazy people never think their crazy, do they?. Rush Limbaugh says all us Liberals are crazy, but I never listen to what a narcotic addict says. They’re crazy! So, In the spirit of being nucking futs, I’m going to play insane. Here’s a few things I “believe” about the big conspiracies that I’d like to share with you (aka: poison your mind!).
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JFK ASSASSINATION
I’ve heard just as much confusing bullshit about this as you probably have, dear reader.

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Video games have, evidently, reached their logical, inevitable conclusion. Seriously. What the fuck is this?

After sifting through the detritus of JFK horseshit on TV, I believe that Oswald did not act alone. He was the patsy for the real shooters on the grassy knoll. Who was on the grassy knoll?
Martians.

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Back, and to the left... Back, and to the left...

I know, right! The men from Mars killed JFK so as to get…the…thing…
Look, it was fucking Martians, all right?! Theyre in it with the CIA, the FBI, and NAMBLA. Think about it. It explains everything.
EVERYTHING!

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THE MOON LANDING WAS FAKE

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If you really want to impress me, play baseball!

The moon landing is fine cinema, isn’t it? It was directed by Stanley Kubrick and produced by Adam Sandler who was preset due to time travel. Oh yeah. They’ve got time travel. Just a moment ago, a CIA time traveler arrived to tell me not to post this. He warned me of the repercussions of revealing so much truth on my blog. So, I aimed my shotgun at him and told him to get of my property. I don’t need no time travelers ’round these parts! Don’t go back and kill Hitler or anything, fuckhead. Come and bug MY ass with this bullshit!
Fucking time travelers, am I right?!

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"Honey? I made it! It's 1928, and all I'm going to do is go to a fucking movie! Honey? Oh, that's right! This is the past! I'll just text her. Geeez, the cell coverage here is shit! Fucking AT&T!"

Oh, about the moon landing. All joking aside, I find it hard to believe we had the technology to accomplish such a thing at that time. Back then, they didn’t have a computer powerful enough to play a good game of Pong, let alone get men safely to the goddamn moon! I’m not the type to try to pick apart the actual film itself, but I do find it bizarre that all the original copies of the movie were “erased”. After a quick google search, I see that NASA is restoring the footage as if it was an old movie being digitally remastered for a Blu Ray release! Pre-order your copy now, and get a free “I’m a gullible dumb-shit!” T-shirt!

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TACO BELL CONSPIRACY
Taco Bell is purposely trying to give us all painful diarrhea. Think about it. Have you’ve ever eaten at Taco Bell and NOT gotten the shits? Damn them and their delicious Gorditas! Now, whenever I think of Mexican food, my asshole whimpers. I know, little fella. I know… But the fire sauce is soooooo good!

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PROOF! I rest my case.

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CONSPIRACY TO KEEP ME FROM SLEEPING RIGHT NOW
It’s the Martians again. They sent one of their sleep assassins to my house disguised as Mr. T! Only, his skin is bright green. He’s here with a box of cream-filled donuts and a big, green 12 inch Martian cock. He sticks it in one of the creamy donuts, and I put on a bib and sit in a giant high chair…
Shit. I think I’m typing my dreams…wait, I dream of donut sex with a green Mr. T?! What the hell is wrong with me? I’m gonna regret this post. Ugh… Good night…

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Im such a fool, Mr. T... I need to be pitied...