…And now the news. With your trusted news anchor; Mike Heyknobber.

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Good evening. I’m Mike Heyknobber, and here’s tonight’s top stories;

POLICE IN AUSTRALIA SEIZE 1,230 lbs OF CRYSTAL METH & HEROIN!!

Am I the only one who gets really bummed out whenever ya see a news story about a big drug bust? I mean any kind of drug, too. Not just pot or moonshine. Even the addictive ones. Like meth, or heroin, or that new Batman-flavored Mountain Dew!

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I endorse this product!

Whenever I see big drug busts, I just think…man, that sucks for the local drug addicts! I mean, think about it. It’s just gonna raise prices and complicate things for the user. The only rich addicts are the ones on TV and in tabloids. Like Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan, or Skip Lackey. Most are broke as shit! Living hand to mouth, trying to scrimp and save (*sob*) just to get by! And by “get by” I mean “buy drugs”.
The life of a drug addict is as such. You spend all day and/or night either trying to find drugs, or being high on drugs. So not only does overall productivity suffer, but making the drugs harder to get just complicates the inevitable, and drags productivity down even further. These people will get their drugs. Come Hell or high water… They. Will. Get. Their. Drugs.

DEMOCRATS OFFICIALLY ENDORSE GAY MARRIAGE!!

First reaction: Hooray!!! All right! Yes! Soon, I’ll be marrying my life-partner, Bruce! We’ll be sipping Tab while we watch our adopted, liberally- indoctrinated children play in the above ground pool! Located at our palatial Pflugerville, Texas estate slash trailer park… And with not a care in the world!
Second reaction: I hope the Democrats know what they’re doing! This move is politically risky. If the far-right mental patients rally all the other defectives to vote, and all of the new Republician-approved voter suppression laws are in effect…I’ll be a little worried. They’ll probably frame it as something like “A vote for Mitt Romney is a vote for ‘traditional marriage’…a vote for Barak Obama is a vote for two guys touching their penises together.
It’s our job as citizens to not give a shit about two penises touching together. If I see two penises touch together…I’m gonna be, like, “Whatever, man! You guys go ahead and touch your penises together! I get my kicks above the waist! I get high on life!
And meth…
Life and meth!
Mostly meth…
Hey, I’ll touch your penis for some meth!”

WOMAN FINDS RUSTY BLADE INSIDE BAG OF JOLLY RANCHER CANDY

Wow! A ‘Rusty Blade’ bag! Chock-full of…rusty-blady-goodness! You lucky bitch, I just hate you! You’ve just won the litigation lottery!! Just pretend it’s your birthday, and cut at your wrist with it like you do every year.
BAM! Instant millionaire! Just think of all the meth you could buy!
——————–
Ok, wait…wait…that’s not right. This was obviously some terrible, one-of-a-kind mistake and I’m sure they’ll be glad to pay for the pain and suffering you’re in from the gory blade wound you’ve just self-inflic…er… suffered from on your wrist. Just call the company hotline for Hershey’s (the makers of Jolly Ranchers, Highways, and Squirts) and explain the situation. I’m sure you can both agree on a…wuzzat? They offered you three bags of candy? And what else? That’s it?! Three fucking bags of fucking candy?! Ok, then how about you return the deadly blade to the factory in person? Just start swinging that fucker around inside the reception area. You’ll probably get a few bucks for your troubles. Plus, a free car ride home!

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(PROTIP; At that point, prison is your home!)

No, seriously! Three bags of candy?…you fucking cock-sockets! Fuck you, Hershey’s!!

MORE GUNS AT THE MOVIES?!

Some usher at some movie theater in some hick fucking town saw some dale walk into his theater with a gun. The usher promptly, and correctly, shit his pants. He then told his probably fat and sweaty boss. They stopped the movie and announced to the audience that whoever has the gun to stand up.
Three fucking people stood up.

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No, not them, you numbskull! Why I...

No shots were actually fired, sorry. But you wouldn’t be all that surprised if it happened again, would you? This is why the tired old pro-gun argument of “if everyone’s armed, then everyone’s safe” sounds even more ignorant then anyone could have ever anticipated!
It turns out all three armed strangers were carrying permits. Whew! Really ‘dodged a bullet’ there, eh?!
Ya know… That’s the thing about sanity; you must always think it’s an exclusive club! People who bring guns to a movie for any reason are not members of this club. What happened in Colorado was horrible, but I think I’ll go ahead and live life on the razor’s edge and go to the movies unarmed.
Permit or no, bystanders aren’t usually helpful. There’s a crime committed, like, every fucking second of every day. That’s why they report it on the news when it actually goes well! Sorry, but don’t want to be on the news! So keep the fuck away from me and my family, Paul Kersey!

Yeeeeesh!!! I’m so glad I never go to the movies!

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Only the REAL Paul Kersey is allowed to carry a gun, punk!

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