The Top 5 Faith No More Karoke Bombs!!

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The Top 5 Faith No More Karaoke Bombs!

Faith No More songs are very hard to sing. Correction. Faith No More songs are very hard to sing in a karaoke bar without looking like a goddamned jackass. I’ll admit to occasionally singing karaoke and looking doofy. It’s kinda fun to get liquored-up, stand in front of a room full of drunken strangers, and attempt to sing. I get that part. I’m just bewildered by people who film themselves acting the fool, post it on the net, and pretend like it’s something worth looking at.

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It never is…

So lets all don our best Casey Kasem impressions, and countdown the Top 5 Faith No More karaoke bombs! Coming in at number five…

•5• “Mark Bowen” as performed by Mark F

Karaoke bars piss me off for two reasons. One, people sing karaoke in them. That’s a real bummer. And B, they never seem to have the kind of songs I like to sing. Probably because karaoke bar DJs hate it when people just yell into the mic like a loon, and that’s pretty much what I like to listen to. No worries, right? Just sing something from the book, you say? Well, fuck you logic and accepted social mores! This guy’s went and beat ‘the man’ by bringing in his record from home, and simply bleating over the existing vocal track! That’s not karaoke, that’s just some asshole yelling over a record I like. Come on, man! It’s so lame that you brought your own CD to a karaoke bar, dude. Would you bring your own food to a restaurant? Would you bring your own herpes to your mother’s house? No, you wouldn’t. Why not just play your CD and shut the Hell up? No one in that dive knows this song but you. Why do you want everyone to hate it?

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Pictured: Not you.

“Mark Bowen” isn’t the hardest song to sing. I sound just great singing it in my car. However, in your car, no one can hear you scream. If only that were true here. This guy makes Chuck Mosley sound like Jonathan Davis. People attempting to perform hard rock songs at a karaoke bar depresses me so much. It’s one thing to get drunk and warble whatever top-40 bullshit you half-know the words to. This is another, even sadder thing entirely.

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you will never be this fuckin' cool.

•4• “Zombie Eaters” as performed by Mark:The Karaoke God!

FNM fans love it when Mike Patton gets excited and ad-libs some crazy shit during a performance! The rest of the band rarely improvises, so the whole reason to collect FNM bootlegs is because Patton never sings a song the same way twice. Which brings me to the highlight of this performance. It happens when the song goes from light to heavy. Our hero seems to be trying to mimic the Phoenix Festival 93′ performance and, like Mike Patton does in that performance, he goes for the big heavy metal growl and scream combo platter. He instead sounds like he’s trying really hard to vomit and defecate simultaneously. Try it.

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I once heard a rumor that Patton actually did that on stage! Perhaps he's doing it right here?

Some dude comes into frame at that moment, seemingly to check if he’s OK. Unfortunately, he is. His vocal chords are completely fucked, of course, so his voice strains and cracks in hilarious ways throughout the rest of the song. (“…and I’ll get mad for a-*whiLE*! Hahahaha!) I must ask again. Why is this on the Internet? Who is this for? You DO know that when you post a YouTube video, anyone can see it, right? Not just your mommy, or your boyfriend, or that dude in the dress. No, even dickheads like me can find it, mock it, and tell you that you suck. Oh, by the way; YOU SUCK!

•3• “The Gentle Art Of Making Enemies” as performed by Mark F

Oh boy…Our buddy Mark F. Is back! I know this might be hard to tell from his song selections, but this dude is hard core! He’s got, like, over a dozen YouTube videos just of him doing Faith No More songs. It’s difficult to pick the shittiest performance, and I refuse to watch them all. So, this one sucks hard enough for the number three slot!

Hot shit, Mark! You are so rock and roll! You’re just such a head-banging, fist-pumping, crowd enraging douche! Goddamnit! Stop going around and giving us FNM fans a bad name! And that’s coming from the guy who just called a complete stranger a ‘douche’!

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Fucking Boooooooooo!!

Think Im being too hard on the guy? Get this; The video ends with this guy walking, in frame, up to the camera, and turing it off. He filmed himself and posted it! On purpose! See? I was right. Douche.

•2• “Falling To Pieces” as performed by Womble.


Rock n' Roll Caveman!

Coming in at a close number two is this big, hairy, foreign fellow. Clearly, English is not this guy’s first language. So, let’s all have a laugh at that! Hahahaha! Ahhh! That felt so good! We’re just so superior, ain’t we? I suppose it would be racist if I made fun of whatever bullshit country he’s from, and I don’t really give a rat’s staff where the fuck he’s from. Unless it’s Mars. Then I’d be interested. Instead, my question is this; Why spend money on professional recording equipment when you know you have no talent? He filmed this, so I’m sure he’s watched it, so he must know it sucks. Right? He just hasta know that he looks and sounds like a tone-deaf caveman! He looks like he would be the smelly one on the bus that no one wants to sit by. Or if Sasquatch killed a FNM fan and stole his Walkman twenty years ago.

Actually, he kinda looks like this guy…

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And Mike Patton still kicks your ass;

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Also, he’s at home alone! He’s not even drunk (probably) at a karaoke bar!
This is something he probably practiced forever, learning the lyrics phonetically, and seriously earning this semi-public shaming.

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Dude! You should, totally, like, bring your own CD to the karaoke bar and then... Wait, what am I saying? Just stop, Womble!

•1• “Get Out!” as performed by Mark F

Coming in at number one, It’s Mark F again, ruining yet another great song! People of Earth; Please stop doing screaming rock songs at karaoke! It’s only cool when done by professionals. You, sir, look like a dick. A big, dumb, hairy dick. Why are you doing this, Mark? Why are you posting your failure on the Internet? Is this an audition reel for some new reality show about losers who can’t sing? Are you so deluded that you think ANYONE would EVER want to see this for ANY reason other than to MOCK it? Wait, I just imagined how it would be if William Hung covered “Epic”! Oh, man…DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME, MARK F.?!?!?!

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"Uoooowaaaaatit'tallbuh-choocenhabip!"

I’m sorry. Look, I’m a FNM fan too, and when someone puts a gun to my head, I’ll sing “Easy” or something I can stomach from Top40 radio. Have the couth to do the same, is all i’m saying. So, let’s review our lessons for the day.

Remember, kids…
• DO NOT Bring your own CDs to a karaoke bar! Just pick something from the book! Don’t be a total Mark F.-Bag!
• DO NOT Irritate all within earshot with attempted metal grunts and hard rockin’ screaming! You will look and sound like an idiot, and your audience will wish you dead!
• DO NOT Sing Faith No More songs in a karaoke bar! And if you must, for the love of “Angel Dust” DO NOT POST THAT SHITTY SHIT ON THE INTERNET!!

The prize for completing this lesson are these beautiful Mike Patton pictures I pilfered from the interwebs. But you only get to look at them if you watched every video in it’s entirety! Don’t cheat.

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The epitome of 'fucking cool'

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I'm not a queer or anythin'...but I'd totally go down on this man in tribute!

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...no, like, if he really wanted me to, I guess I'd do it...

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...and Puffy talks some sense into me!

If you enjoyed this article, and I can’t imagine you have, please to enjoy other happy fun time Faith No More writings!

“Why Faith No More Flopped In The States”
“Faith No More: The Comic Book – Reviewed

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4 Reasons Faith No More Flopped In The States (The Director’s Cut!)

About a month ago, the kind people at the Faith No More blog asked me to write up a dissertation about FNM’s impact on the States (or lack thereof). It was a huge honor, and I hope to contribute more boring essays in the future. However, since they’re actually officially connected with the band, they had to change a few things around. Mostly, they almost completely deleted the section about Mr. Dean Menta in the “Pick A Guitar Player, Please!” section. The world must know how much I dislike Dean Menta as a guitarist! So now I present to you the “Director’s Cut” of my Faith No More article! Please try your best to enjoy!

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4 Reasons Faith No More flopped in the States (in one American fan’s opinion).

According to the Mayan calendar, the Earth will die, screaming, before Faith No More is due to play another show in the United States of America. Being an American of average-at-best income, I find this most disconcerting. Not because I’m secretly a Mayan. No, I really wanted to see those guys before they suddenly break up for good! I mean, would anyone be surprised if they announced such a thing, like, an hour from now? I can’t afford a trip to Europe! I honestly think I’ll never get the chance to see my favorite band again. What the Hell?! Why the Hell?!

Looking back at history, It’s obvious there’s a “thing” between FNM and the USA. Being an American of average-at-best intelligence, as well as being probably the biggest FNM fan in my zip code, I’ve devoted (too) much time and brain power to the issue of FNM’s struggle on the American pop scene. When you break it down with the aide of hindsight, you can see an obvious series of career steps that, to an American fan living through the time, seemed to alienate all my music loving American friends. As part of my master’s thesis for the Faith No More Spiritual and Theological Center, here’s the top 4 reasons I think Armageddon is more likely than a FNM concert in Seattle or St. Louis.

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4• Mike Patton’s voice changes.

First, I want to address something that I feel isn’t talked about enough, and I wish someone would ask Mike Patton about specifically. Sometime between “The Real Thing” and “Angel Dust” Patton emerged from a cocoon or something as Mike Patton two-point-oh! After jamming with John Zorn, and completing the first Mr. Bungle album, Patton evolved from a bratty white-boy rapper with a pinched, nasally punk attitude…into the man with the voice we all know and love. It’s almost as if FNM had three singers. Check out this video of Mr. Bungle live on April 20th, 1992. Right before “Angel Dust” was released (on June 8th). You can hear his transformation in action.

If you pay close attention, you can hear Patton consciously choose to sing in a register and voice that’s much different from the “bratty” voice he used on the official recorded versions. Controlling the tone of his voice, he purposely sings the old songs in a new way. Though sometimes he dips back into his old voice. I find it fascinating. Especially during “Squeeze Me Macaroni” which has been almost completely rearranged in order to avoid the trappings of Patton’s old vocal approach. By the way, you should watch this whole show if you haven’t already. Its one of Bungle’s finest!

Ok, so why the change? Besides the obvious? I know that he was growing as a singer and an artist and all that crap blah blah blah. However, according to the American music press’ tart, bitter brand of glossolalias, I’ve always heard about another, dumber rumor for reason. I think it’s pretty obvious, but it’s awkward to address. I’ll just say it; Anthony Kiedis. There was, and might still be, a feud between the two of them. Though nowadays, it seems to be just Kiedis holding a grudge. According to anthonykiedis.net (the 100% UNofficial fan site dedicated to Anthony Kiedis!) the earliest sign of trouble came right when “Epic” hit it big.

“I watched [their] “Epic” video, and I see him jumping up and down, rapping, and it looked like I was looking in a mirror.” Anthony Kiedis
{‘Red Hot Chili Peppers By The Way The Biography’ by Dave Thompson (page 163)}

At the time, FNM was bigger than the Chili Peppers in Europe, apparently, and Kiedis was worried European audiences would think that HE was “the imitator”. My two cents; Puh-leeze! I remember this “controversy” when it was still fresh. The Chili Peppers have pretty much always been way more popular than FNM here in the States, and it reminded me of another similar situation, only in the world of stand-up comedy.

I’m sure that you, dear reader, have heard of Dennis Leary. He’s a big-time famous comedian and actor guy. When he was first coming up as a stand-up comedian in the late 80s/early 90s, he was accused of stealing material from another comedian named Bill Hicks. If one was to objectively investigate the specific allegations (as I have attempted), you would see that while both have material that touch on similar themes, there is no actual joke thievery. Leary and Hicks both enjoyed jokes about taking a lot of drugs, jokes about smoking a lot of cigarettes, and jokes about how funny it was the way Jim Fix died. I think a similar point could be made about the Kiedis/Patton feud bullshit. Anthony Kiedis did not invent anything, and he certainly wasn’t the first skinny white guy with long hair to rap over rock in tight pants. I remember the general consensus amongst my friends being that in this fight, Kiedis looked like a big pussy. But to be fair, anytime a rock star complains about anything at all, they look like big pussies. The human race agrees on this; if you are blessed with the life of a rock star, your license to bitch is revoked. In fact the more you bitch, the more satisfying your inevitable come-uppance will be to the general public. Check any tabloid for proof of concept.

(And I actually like the Chili Peppers. Up to “BloodSugarSexMagic”. Then, not so much. At least FNM isn’t still excreting sub-par throw-back records every 3-5 years. Oh, and Flea is WAY overrated! But I digress. Anyway…)

3• The singles released for “Angel Dust” confounds America!

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There’s no question about Faith No More’s popularity in America during “The Real Thing’s” heyday. Having never been abroad, (except for the occasional illicit holliday to Tijuana) I don’t know what it’s like when y’all’s local rock radio station falls in love with a particular tune. But in the greater Los Angeles area in 1991, you heard “Epic” approximately twice every five minutes. If that seems mathematically impossible, just keep in mind how fast pop culture eats itself in America. Guitar music was king in the post-ironic 1990s, and bands like Faith No More encouraged the alt-rock scene to swallow it’s own tail at an even faster rate. I’m sorry. It just seemed like an exciting time for rock music! If we only knew…if we only knew…

“Angel Dust’s” first single; “Midlife Crisis” stymied metal-heads who were looking for a sequel to “Epic” and, of course, this was not accidental. Not only that, but “Nevermind” happened between FNM records, so anything other than an Epic- sequel would be viewed as a risky career move by the American music press. Then came “A Small Victory” which was largely ignored. In a world where Pearl Jam, Nirvana, and Stone Temple Pilots were MTV’s chosen ones, there was no room on American rock radio for such an amazingly unique, challenging, keyboard-heavy song.
Anecdotical evidence; 105.5 KNAC, L.A.’s premier hard rock radio station (up until 1994, when it turned into an all Spanish station) refused to play it when I requested it! I remember calling in to the station;
ME: Hey, dude! (it was 1993) It would be rad if you played “A Small Victory” by Faith No More! I love that song!
RADIO DUDE: Yeah, I’ll play some Faith No More…
1 HOUR LATER: “Epic” is played as per my “request”. Bastards!

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2• What album is “Easy” from, again?

“Angel Dust” is a masterpiece from start to finish. So why was “Easy” treated like the album’s red-headed stepchild? If you were not aware, the American version of “AD” ends after “Midnight Cowboy” and the import just has it tacked on at the end (and good luck finding THAT in an American record shop). This wouldn’t have been a big deal, except that “Easy” turned out to be one of the band’s biggest hits! Where was an American fan supposed to find this song in 1993?

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Well, in America, we got the “Songs To Make Love To EP” which is, by far, the weakest release in the band’s history. You get four songs;
Easy – Das Sutchenfest – Let’s Lynch The Landlord – Midnight Cowboy
What a rip-off! Track 1 should have already been on the album, track 4 IS on the album, and tracks 2 and 3 are complete B-Side throwaway garbage! It’s not like there wasn’t other good songs still unreleased at the time. Especially in America! They could have included “As The Worm Turns 92′” or “The World Is Yours” or at least some live stuff, and actually give American fans some bang for their buck. Way to burn the base, guys!

1• Pick a guitar player, please!

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While listening to a live recording from the KFAD era, two thoughts occurred to me. Number one; boy, Dean Menta wasn’t very good. And B; I’m always taken aback by how poorly that record was received here in the US! While “King…” has sold over 1.5 million copies worldwide, the keyword there is “worldwide”. For some reason, America turned their noses up at one of the finest records of the nineties. How come? After careful consideration, the only reason I can think of is the lack of a true replacement for Jim Martin.

I am the proud owner of a 1995 Faith No More calendar. It’s pretty much just a poster book, and it’s pretty sweet. One thing, though. Half of the pictures are of just Jim Martin. I’ll spell it out; Jim was not in the band in 1995! But such was the image of Faith No More in the US.
You have to admit, Martin had an iconic look. And Warner Bros. did a fine job of presenting him as the crunchy-metallic voice of sanity in FNM’s crazy world of new wave and rap-rock. That was great for awhile, but then 1991 ended.

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Trey Spruance could have been the band’s savior if he would have stuck it out. American audiences would have loved him! 1995, ’tis the season of Grunge, and Spruance was the almost too perfect replacement for Big Sick Ugly Jim. Image-wise, Trey’s style, look, and manic stage presence would have, in my opinion, been an improvement over Jim Martin’s stand-there-and-smoke-while-wearing-two-pairs-of-glasses shtick, which In 95′ would’ve been so three years ago. Plus, the guitar parts themselves were much more intricate. More thoughtful, pop-ironic, post-punk, and freed from the shackles of the dreaded ‘heavy metal’ shred label. Basically, Jim Martin could and would never play something like what Trey wrote and played in “Evidence” or “Star A.D.”.

But then the record came out without even a picture of ‘whoever’ was playing guitar! I believe the American audience felt cheated in some way. I know I did. I think this, along with weak media attention, and the band’s typical cooly-detached mystique, combined to form the monster that killed the record in it’s crib.

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As for Dean Menta…I’ll try not to beat up on poor Dean too much… But then again, what are the odds he’ll actually read this? I feel that Faith No More fans took an immediate dislike to Dean because he looked too much like what he was: a lucky roadie. He performed like one, too. While pro-shot footage from the “Angel Dust” tour are as rare as a svelte Texan, I have seen several professional live videos from the Dean era, usually featuring Dean fucking up. Here’s one of my favorite Dean Menta fuck ups:

I’ve never been to Chile, but I know that since it’s in South America, it’s probably hotter than a Devil’s fart. So it must have been a sorry attempt at fashion when Dean Menta came out to perform in Santiago, Chile wearing a hoodie-style sweat jacket. Four songs in, and drenched in flop sweat, as well as regular sweat, Dean decides to remove his jacket IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FRIGGING SONG!! Right after the first chorus of “What A Day” Dean uses the brief four measures of guitar noise before the final verse to attempt the great mid-song jacket-escape! Let’s break it down;

He has about seven seconds to first remove his guitar, then quickly remove his wet, sweaty jacket, and then replace his guitar and rejoin the song in time for the regular guitar riff of the verse. It actually might have been cool if he had pulled it off. He doesn’t, of course. He gets the jacket about half way off when he seems to suddenly realize what a bad idea this was, and there’s no way he’s gonna make it in time. Rather than just accomplish his original goal of removing his goddamn jacket before he dies of heat stroke, and rejoining the song when he’s good and ready, he panics and gets his jacket stuck in his guitar strap. After a short, losing struggle with his crafty coat, he flails and steps on his tangled jacket, which tweaks his chord, and completely unplugs the guitar mid-verse. It’s amateurish and embarrassing. It looks like some half-assed try-out for a Faith No More tribute band, and this guy is not getting the part. To sum up, Dean was a sad, sorry replacement for either Martin or Spruance, and America seems to have rejected this period of the band’s history almost entirely.

So much for not beating up on Dean. Maybe I’m being too hard on him. Then again, I own a copy of his ‘other’ band’s record. The band was called Duh, and the record is called “The Unholy Handjob”. Guess what? It blows.

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When Jon Hudson joined the band, and they came out with “Album Of The Year” I suddenly saw Faith No More on MTV again. “Ashes To Ashes” entered heavy rotation on my local FM rock station, and they were on their way to becoming relevant in American pop music again. Perhaps it was obvious even then than Jon Hudson was the right guitarist for the band? I like to think so, but I’m a big Jon Hudson fan, so I might be a bit biased.

All the pieces were in place in the US, and the American music press was calling “AOTY” a “comeback” and, more importantly, a success! All that was needed now was some big, high profile American touring. However, FNM never seemed interested in a big American tour. They stuck to mid-sized venues, and only hit the rounds once. Since the reunion, they’ve only played a handful of shows on American soil. I guess they’re still angry with us that we didn’t buy very many of their records after 1994. But after getting burned by the “Songs To Make Love To EP” and getting tricked into paying actual cash money to see Dean Menta perform, you can’t be too angry with us.

While I strongly feel that America is ready for Faith No More’s glorious return, something still bugs me. Awhile back, VH1 Classic’s “That Metal Show” was covering the 2009 download festival. During the special, they featured a couple of FNM tunes (I remember “Land Of Sunshine” and “Introduce Yourself” airing, if you were curious). But during one of the show’s many inane conversations, the hosts were comparing multiple bands in some arbitrary and asinine way like a bunch of baked high school sophomores. Someone, I believe it was Eddie Trunk himself, remarked that Faith No More was lacking that night, and that it just “wasn’t the same without Jim Martin”. This is the type of American music press ignorance that has to stop!

I’ll end this editorial rant on top of a soap box; Gentlemen! Kind sirs! In my humble opinion, Faith No More must stop looking for the US to reach out to them! They need to school fools like Eddie Trunk on the greatness of Jon Hudson! America deserves to know that Faith No More are better now than they’ve ever been! Stand up and demand our attention! Tour the United States! Thank you. I now return you to your regularly scheduled Internet.

Originally published on the Faith No More Blog; July 25th, 2012

Fun Facts About Paul Ryan

Paul Ryan Fun Facts!

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HEY KIDS!
By now, I’m sure you’ve heard that Mitt Romney has picked Paul Ryan to be his lovely wedded vice presidential candidate. This is very exciting news for fans of Rage Against The Machine, hillbilly hand fishing, and schadenfreude! But just how much do you know about our new favorite shithead? After literally minutes of painstaking research, I’ve discovered 6 fascinating facts about this cocksucker, and I’ll be presenting them in a misleading and disingenuous fashion (not unlike the way a Republician might). And I will share them with you right…about…

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...wait for it...

NOW!!!

• He was born into wealth.

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Paul Ryan was born on February 31st, 197X to father Nolan, and mother Zorkan The Executioner. The day he was born, the doctors diagnosed him with the rare disability known as “Microphallus” and declared him “legally ugly”. Both of which helped spark and fuel his career as a Republican asshole.

But did you know that while still just a mere changeling, Paul Ryan once served his country? In fact, while serving, his superiors thought so highly of him and his cadaverous, eye-baggy appearance, that they selected him to pilot a top secret war machine!

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...Oh, and by "served his country" and "war machine" we mean "worked for Oscar Meyer" and "Weinermobile" respectively.

Indeed, as a wee college student, Ryan held numerous bullshit jobs, including a stint as, and I’m not making this up; a Wienermobile driver! I may have to look it up again, but if having the world’s biggest weenie drive the world’s biggest wiener around in order to pay for further weenie training isn’t the very definition of irony, then the fact that it’s not, is, in and of itself!

• He’s a big fitness douche.

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"God, I love that man!"

Ryan came home one day and found his father dead of a heart attack. Don’t laugh. He was only 16. Paul, that is. Not his dad. His dad was, like, 50 or something. Whatever. Who cares? Anyway, Ryan’s father, grandfather and great-grandfather all died of heart disease in their 50s. Apparently, being the spawn of maggots and lies is bad for your heart.

So, of course, Ryan grossly overcompensates for this by being a big pain-in-the-ass exercise tosser. He even runs a daily P90X class for unlucky staffers at the congressional gym. Paul Ryan himself is such a big jock rash, that Lotrimin dissolves his very flesh.

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Hahahahahahaha! Fags!

He was even voted biggest “gym rat” by an anonymous “Washingtonian Magazine” poll of congressional staffers with too much idle time at the office. And everyone knows what a pleasure it is to deal with some gym hard-on who not only won’t shut the fuck up about his faggoty regimen, (like, who could possibly give a fucking fuck?) But he also pushes his way of life onto other disinterested people. How Republican of him. I’m sure he’s very popular around the office.

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Wait...Was that sarcasm? Yes, I believe it was.

Ryan claims his mortality has somehow limited his ambitions. Perhaps he hopes that if he’s elected VP, Dick Cheney will see fit to share his collection of robot hearts, and cardiologists with robot hearts.

• He’s just your average Jo(k)e!
A quote from TIME in 2010;
“Half the reason I’m not in leadership is because I don’t want to spend my weekends flying around the country campaigning and raising money. I want to spend my weekends at home with my little ones. The other half of the reason: I like policy over politics.”
Of course you do with policies like yours, you clown! By “politics” he’s referring to having to actually talk to people who don’t already agree with him like your typical republican ditto-head. Most sane people would absolutely detest Ryan’s Budget Plan if most sane people knew what it contained. I suppose word will spread, but let me help you beat the Christmas rush to start hating this asshole. When it comes to health care, he wants everyone under the age of 55 to suck his tiny, tiny cock.

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Really...it's, like, this big...

So what if you’re 50 and you’ve been paying into it for your entire life? Tough titties, grandma! Medicare is too expensive to keep around. Just like you!

• He feeds the hungry…

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…voters for voting for his pal Mitt, committing voter fraud!
AKA; “Sub-Gate”

Am I the only one who remembers this? During the primaries, Romney and Ryan handed out fucking sandwiches to the sheeple who came out and rocked the Republican vote! It turns out that giving voters anything valued over one dollar as an incentive to vote is ILLEGAL! Like, “disqualified” illegal!
I hope those were really good sandwiches! I hope they were really REALLY good fuckin’ sandwiches! Piled high with luncheon loaf made from pressing the flesh of the poor into a “loaf”, sliced thin and slathered with Koch cum, and wrapped in 24karrat gold leaf paper (the same kind used as TP in the Romney household).
All bullshit aside, this was real actual voter fraud! Someone should press charges! Who’s job would that be? Why, it would be the job of Waukesha County, Wisconsin District Attorney Brad D. Schimel (R). Why, is that a Capitol “R” I see after his name? Well, then I’m SURE justice will be served! And by “justice” I mean “sandwiches”.

• He hates a big, spendy government…
…unless it’s a Republican one! Then it’s awesome!

Goddamn those “tax & spend” liberals with their “help the disadvantaged” bullshit! What about me? I’m white and male! Wheres MY free government stuff?! What do ya mean I’m at an advantage over minorities simply by being born white and male?! That’s fuckin’ bullshit, man! I should be a racist! How hard can that be? Do I need to practice being racist? Perhaps… Let’s see… Obama is so black…how black is he? Uh…he’s so black, the cops beat his shadow! Naw, that sucks. How about; He’s so black, that his fried chicken and watermelon smokes crack and collects welfare! Shit…I’m not very good at being racist. Maybe I’m trying too hard. I need to call Ron Paul. If ANYONE knows how to be a huge racist asshole, it’s Ron Paul.

While I practice racism, I feel the need to point out that Paul Ryan’s reputation for being some kind of watchdog for government spending is a hoax and a sham. He’s just like every Repub we’ve seen over the last decade. Oh, he pretends to be a budget hawk. And the lame-stream media of Fux News will back him up. But look at this fucker’s record. It would seem he only pretends to give a shit when it’s a Democrat’s idea. He voted for all of the shit Dubya asked for. He went for TARP, the Auto bailout, and the Big Bank Bailout. That stuff was all a-ok! But Medicare? Or anything else that would benefit the poor? Fuuuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkk YOU!
Paul Ryan was born into wealth. The only private sector job he’s ever had was the family business of grinding homeless children into monocles. He’s never worked a day in his fucking life. Remember that in November.

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"I'm an asshole!"

•He’s just a regular guy…
…in that he’s a complete douchebag with lousy taste in pop culture!

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Various media outlets report that Paul Ryan is a fan of Rage Against The Machine and is a “hunting-obsessed gym rat” who enjoys the activity of ‘hillbilly hand fishing’

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"Hi! I'm Paul Ryan, and this is my friend 'Medicare'!"

Well, of course he’s a big animal murderer (aka hunter). Why, he killed himself a bear when he was only three! That’s just how REAL men lose their virginity. He’s even teaching his 9 year old daughter how to bow-hunt deer! Wow. Until I read that, I used to think the worst thing you could teach your nine year old daughter to do was to cup the balls during fellatio. Boy, is my face red!
Plus, he enjoys the sport of “hand fishing” which I hope we actually get to see him do at some point in the campaign. I’m sorry, but I have zero respect for someone with a billion dollars in the bank who can’t think of anything better to do than murder animals for the fuck of it. Between the two of them, Ryan and Romney have enough dough to finally get “The Running Man” made into a real show, fulfilling the prophesy. If they can afford to play the most dangerous game, and they can, then they’d better put that shit on TV!

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No, seriously. Fuck this guy!