Paul Ryan Fun Facts!
By now, I’m sure you’ve heard that Mitt Romney has picked Paul Ryan to be his lovely wedded vice presidential candidate. This is very exciting news for fans of Rage Against The Machine, hillbilly hand fishing, and schadenfreude! But just how much do you know about our new favorite shithead? After literally minutes of painstaking research, I’ve discovered 6 fascinating facts about this cocksucker, and I’ll be presenting them in a misleading and disingenuous fashion (not unlike the way a Republician might). And I will share them with you right…about…
• He was born into wealth.
Paul Ryan was born on February 31st, 197X to father Nolan, and mother Zorkan The Executioner. The day he was born, the doctors diagnosed him with the rare disability known as “Microphallus” and declared him “legally ugly”. Both of which helped spark and fuel his career as a Republican asshole.
But did you know that while still just a mere changeling, Paul Ryan once served his country? In fact, while serving, his superiors thought so highly of him and his cadaverous, eye-baggy appearance, that they selected him to pilot a top secret war machine!
Indeed, as a wee college student, Ryan held numerous bullshit jobs, including a stint as, and I’m not making this up; a Wienermobile driver! I may have to look it up again, but if having the world’s biggest weenie drive the world’s biggest wiener around in order to pay for further weenie training isn’t the very definition of irony, then the fact that it’s not, is, in and of itself!
• He’s a big fitness douche.
Ryan came home one day and found his father dead of a heart attack. Don’t laugh. He was only 16. Paul, that is. Not his dad. His dad was, like, 50 or something. Whatever. Who cares? Anyway, Ryan’s father, grandfather and great-grandfather all died of heart disease in their 50s. Apparently, being the spawn of maggots and lies is bad for your heart.
So, of course, Ryan grossly overcompensates for this by being a big pain-in-the-ass exercise tosser. He even runs a daily P90X class for unlucky staffers at the congressional gym. Paul Ryan himself is such a big jock rash, that Lotrimin dissolves his very flesh.
He was even voted biggest “gym rat” by an anonymous “Washingtonian Magazine” poll of congressional staffers with too much idle time at the office. And everyone knows what a pleasure it is to deal with some gym hard-on who not only won’t shut the fuck up about his faggoty regimen, (like, who could possibly give a fucking fuck?) But he also pushes his way of life onto other disinterested people. How Republican of him. I’m sure he’s very popular around the office.
Ryan claims his mortality has somehow limited his ambitions. Perhaps he hopes that if he’s elected VP, Dick Cheney will see fit to share his collection of robot hearts, and cardiologists with robot hearts.
• He’s just your average Jo(k)e!
A quote from TIME in 2010;
“Half the reason I’m not in leadership is because I don’t want to spend my weekends flying around the country campaigning and raising money. I want to spend my weekends at home with my little ones. The other half of the reason: I like policy over politics.”
Of course you do with policies like yours, you clown! By “politics” he’s referring to having to actually talk to people who don’t already agree with him like your typical republican ditto-head. Most sane people would absolutely detest Ryan’s Budget Plan if most sane people knew what it contained. I suppose word will spread, but let me help you beat the Christmas rush to start hating this asshole. When it comes to health care, he wants everyone under the age of 55 to suck his tiny, tiny cock.
So what if you’re 50 and you’ve been paying into it for your entire life? Tough titties, grandma! Medicare is too expensive to keep around. Just like you!
• He feeds the hungry…
Am I the only one who remembers this? During the primaries, Romney and Ryan handed out fucking sandwiches to the sheeple who came out and rocked the Republican vote! It turns out that giving voters anything valued over one dollar as an incentive to vote is ILLEGAL! Like, “disqualified” illegal!
I hope those were really good sandwiches! I hope they were really REALLY good fuckin’ sandwiches! Piled high with luncheon loaf made from pressing the flesh of the poor into a “loaf”, sliced thin and slathered with Koch cum, and wrapped in 24karrat gold leaf paper (the same kind used as TP in the Romney household).
All bullshit aside, this was real actual voter fraud! Someone should press charges! Who’s job would that be? Why, it would be the job of Waukesha County, Wisconsin District Attorney Brad D. Schimel (R). Why, is that a Capitol “R” I see after his name? Well, then I’m SURE justice will be served! And by “justice” I mean “sandwiches”.
• He hates a big, spendy government…
…unless it’s a Republican one! Then it’s awesome!
Goddamn those “tax & spend” liberals with their “help the disadvantaged” bullshit! What about me? I’m white and male! Wheres MY free government stuff?! What do ya mean I’m at an advantage over minorities simply by being born white and male?! That’s fuckin’ bullshit, man! I should be a racist! How hard can that be? Do I need to practice being racist? Perhaps… Let’s see… Obama is so black…how black is he? Uh…he’s so black, the cops beat his shadow! Naw, that sucks. How about; He’s so black, that his fried chicken and watermelon smokes crack and collects welfare! Shit…I’m not very good at being racist. Maybe I’m trying too hard. I need to call Ron Paul. If ANYONE knows how to be a huge racist asshole, it’s Ron Paul.
While I practice racism, I feel the need to point out that Paul Ryan’s reputation for being some kind of watchdog for government spending is a hoax and a sham. He’s just like every Repub we’ve seen over the last decade. Oh, he pretends to be a budget hawk. And the lame-stream media of Fux News will back him up. But look at this fucker’s record. It would seem he only pretends to give a shit when it’s a Democrat’s idea. He voted for all of the shit Dubya asked for. He went for TARP, the Auto bailout, and the Big Bank Bailout. That stuff was all a-ok! But Medicare? Or anything else that would benefit the poor? Fuuuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkk YOU!
Paul Ryan was born into wealth. The only private sector job he’s ever had was the family business of grinding homeless children into monocles. He’s never worked a day in his fucking life. Remember that in November.
•He’s just a regular guy…
…in that he’s a complete douchebag with lousy taste in pop culture!
Various media outlets report that Paul Ryan is a fan of Rage Against The Machine and is a “hunting-obsessed gym rat” who enjoys the activity of ‘hillbilly hand fishing’
Well, of course he’s a big animal murderer (aka hunter). Why, he killed himself a bear when he was only three! That’s just how REAL men lose their virginity. He’s even teaching his 9 year old daughter how to bow-hunt deer! Wow. Until I read that, I used to think the worst thing you could teach your nine year old daughter to do was to cup the balls during fellatio. Boy, is my face red!
Plus, he enjoys the sport of “hand fishing” which I hope we actually get to see him do at some point in the campaign. I’m sorry, but I have zero respect for someone with a billion dollars in the bank who can’t think of anything better to do than murder animals for the fuck of it. Between the two of them, Ryan and Romney have enough dough to finally get “The Running Man” made into a real show, fulfilling the prophesy. If they can afford to play the most dangerous game, and they can, then they’d better put that shit on TV!