Faith No More songs are very hard to sing. Correction. Faith No More songs are very hard to sing in a karaoke bar without looking like a goddamned jackass. I’ll admit to occasionally singing karaoke and looking doofy. It’s kinda fun to get liquored-up, stand in front of a room full of drunken strangers, and attempt to sing. I get that part. I’m just bewildered by people who film themselves acting the fool, post it on the net, and pretend like it’s something worth looking at.
So lets all don our best Casey Kasem impressions, and countdown the Top 5 Faith No More karaoke bombs! Coming in at number five…
•5• “Mark Bowen” as performed by Mark F
Karaoke bars piss me off for two reasons. One, people sing karaoke in them. That’s a real bummer. And B, they never seem to have the kind of songs I like to sing. Probably because karaoke bar DJs hate it when people just yell into the mic like a loon, and that’s pretty much what I like to listen to. No worries, right? Just sing something from the book, you say? Well, fuck you logic and accepted social mores! This guy’s went and beat ‘the man’ by bringing in his record from home, and simply bleating over the existing vocal track! That’s not karaoke, that’s just some asshole yelling over a record I like. Come on, man! It’s so lame that you brought your own CD to a karaoke bar, dude. Would you bring your own food to a restaurant? Would you bring your own herpes to your mother’s house? No, you wouldn’t. Why not just play your CD and shut the Hell up? No one in that dive knows this song but you. Why do you want everyone to hate it?
“Mark Bowen” isn’t the hardest song to sing. I sound just great singing it in my car. However, in your car, no one can hear you scream. If only that were true here. This guy makes Chuck Mosley sound like Jonathan Davis. People attempting to perform hard rock songs at a karaoke bar depresses me so much. It’s one thing to get drunk and warble whatever top-40 bullshit you half-know the words to. This is another, even sadder thing entirely.
•4• “Zombie Eaters” as performed by Mark:The Karaoke God!
FNM fans love it when Mike Patton gets excited and ad-libs some crazy shit during a performance! The rest of the band rarely improvises, so the whole reason to collect FNM bootlegs is because Patton never sings a song the same way twice. Which brings me to the highlight of this performance. It happens when the song goes from light to heavy. Our hero seems to be trying to mimic the Phoenix Festival 93′ performance and, like Mike Patton does in that performance, he goes for the big heavy metal growl and scream combo platter. He instead sounds like he’s trying really hard to vomit and defecate simultaneously. Try it.
Some dude comes into frame at that moment, seemingly to check if he’s OK. Unfortunately, he is. His vocal chords are completely fucked, of course, so his voice strains and cracks in hilarious ways throughout the rest of the song. (“…and I’ll get mad for a-*whiLE*! Hahahaha!) I must ask again. Why is this on the Internet? Who is this for? You DO know that when you post a YouTube video, anyone can see it, right? Not just your mommy, or your boyfriend, or that dude in the dress. No, even dickheads like me can find it, mock it, and tell you that you suck. Oh, by the way; YOU SUCK!
•3• “The Gentle Art Of Making Enemies” as performed by Mark F
Oh boy…Our buddy Mark F. Is back! I know this might be hard to tell from his song selections, but this dude is hard core! He’s got, like, over a dozen YouTube videos just of him doing Faith No More songs. It’s difficult to pick the shittiest performance, and I refuse to watch them all. So, this one sucks hard enough for the number three slot!
Hot shit, Mark! You are so rock and roll! You’re just such a head-banging, fist-pumping, crowd enraging douche! Goddamnit! Stop going around and giving us FNM fans a bad name! And that’s coming from the guy who just called a complete stranger a ‘douche’!
Think Im being too hard on the guy? Get this; The video ends with this guy walking, in frame, up to the camera, and turing it off. He filmed himself and posted it! On purpose! See? I was right. Douche.
•2• “Falling To Pieces” as performed by Womble.
Rock n' Roll Caveman!
Coming in at a close number two is this big, hairy, foreign fellow. Clearly, English is not this guy’s first language. So, let’s all have a laugh at that! Hahahaha! Ahhh! That felt so good! We’re just so superior, ain’t we? I suppose it would be racist if I made fun of whatever bullshit country he’s from, and I don’t really give a rat’s staff where the fuck he’s from. Unless it’s Mars. Then I’d be interested. Instead, my question is this; Why spend money on professional recording equipment when you know you have no talent? He filmed this, so I’m sure he’s watched it, so he must know it sucks. Right? He just hasta know that he looks and sounds like a tone-deaf caveman! He looks like he would be the smelly one on the bus that no one wants to sit by. Or if Sasquatch killed a FNM fan and stole his Walkman twenty years ago.
Actually, he kinda looks like this guy…
And Mike Patton still kicks your ass;
Also, he’s at home alone! He’s not even drunk (probably) at a karaoke bar!
This is something he probably practiced forever, learning the lyrics phonetically, and seriously earning this semi-public shaming.
•1• “Get Out!” as performed by Mark F
Coming in at number one, It’s Mark F again, ruining yet another great song! People of Earth; Please stop doing screaming rock songs at karaoke! It’s only cool when done by professionals. You, sir, look like a dick. A big, dumb, hairy dick. Why are you doing this, Mark? Why are you posting your failure on the Internet? Is this an audition reel for some new reality show about losers who can’t sing? Are you so deluded that you think ANYONE would EVER want to see this for ANY reason other than to MOCK it? Wait, I just imagined how it would be if William Hung covered “Epic”! Oh, man…DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME, MARK F.?!?!?!
I’m sorry. Look, I’m a FNM fan too, and when someone puts a gun to my head, I’ll sing “Easy” or something I can stomach from Top40 radio. Have the couth to do the same, is all i’m saying. So, let’s review our lessons for the day.
• DO NOT Bring your own CDs to a karaoke bar! Just pick something from the book! Don’t be a total Mark F.-Bag!
• DO NOT Irritate all within earshot with attempted metal grunts and hard rockin’ screaming! You will look and sound like an idiot, and your audience will wish you dead!
• DO NOT Sing Faith No More songs in a karaoke bar! And if you must, for the love of “Angel Dust” DO NOT POST THAT SHITTY SHIT ON THE INTERNET!!
The prize for completing this lesson are these beautiful Mike Patton pictures I pilfered from the interwebs. But you only get to look at them if you watched every video in it’s entirety! Don’t cheat.
If you enjoyed this article, and I can’t imagine you have, please to enjoy other happy fun time Faith No More writings!