Answering The Unanswerable; 8 Philosophical Questions Get Their Asses Kicked In The Teeth!

I found this article on i09, and it got me thinking. Or, at least it got me thinking about something other than Kat Denning’s luscious titties, if only momentarily.

Pictured: Possible proof of God.

I’m bored, and up past my bedtime, so I’ve decided to try and answer these so-called “unanswerable” philosophical questions. I thought it was actually pretty easy, but I’m really smart and junk. Irregardless, check out how smartastic I am!

• Why is there something rather than nothing?
This is an easy one. Existence exists because it must. In fact, if everything was nothing, then nothing would become something by default. Dude! Did I just blow your fucking mind?! No? Oh. Well, then…moving on…

• Is our universe real?
Isn’t this basically the same question? If the universe is fake, then everything would actually be nothing? Perhaps this would make more sense if I was totally baked?

• Do we have free will?
Do I have to answer that?

• Is there a God?

Only if you think there is.

• Is there life after death?
Only dead people know the answer to this one, and they ain’t talkin’.

All bullshit aside, I have a theory about this. Hear me out. I believe that when you die, your mind’s final thought is your afterlife, and to you, it seems like an eternity. Why not? It makes more sense than most other crapola theories I’ve heard about this! Allow me to elaborate;

Have you ever had a dream that seemed to take longer than it really did? For example, let’s say you fall asleep at midnight. You proceed to have a really vivid dream where you and the redhead from “That 70’s Show” fly naked through a seemingly endless series of technicolor vaginas, battling sentient chess pieces with laser dildos.

Or, you know, something to that effect.

You suddenly wake up right as Batman starts ejaculating on an Atari 5200 with your father’s face, and you look at the clock by your bed…

1:30? But it seems like hours have passed!

That’s what I’m talking about. I think it’s possible that you simply dream an afterlife that feels like an eternity in your last seconds of life. And your subconsciously held religious beliefs dictate the quality of your great reward. Shit. I should start a religion! I’ll show Mitt Romney how to avoid paying taxes like a pro!

"Taxes are for peasants!"

Besides, Heaven would have to be an intensely personal experience, wouldn’t it? As they say; one man’s Heaven is another man’s Hell. I’m sure all of those judgmental, book-burning, sanctimonious religious ratcunts think they’re going to Heaven. And it would stop being Heaven the moment they arrived.

Aw, shit! There goes the neighborhood.

This theory would also explain near-death experiences. When those people describe doing stuff like floating over their body, and kickin’ it old school with their great-great grandfather and/or Soupy Sales, they’re just describing their mad death-dream.


Ultimately, it’s impossible to know what happens when you die until you do it. Anyone who tries to convince you that they somehow know otherwise is a charlatan and a manipulative liar! So remember, kids! Believe in agnosticism! No matter how contradictory and asinine that statement may seem!

I really hope you don't become a ghost when you die! Judging by all of those ghost-tracking cable shows, that's an impotent and pathetic existence. And being a ghost would suck too! BOO!!

• Can you really experience anything objectively?
Sure! I do that every time I turn on the radio. Or whenever Mitt Romney speaks. Or when I watch a movie, or a TV show, or even a porno. Besides, what’s the alternative? And how can you objectively observe objectivity, anyway? This isn’t so much a philosophical question than it is a stupid one.

• What is the best moral system?
What, you mean, like, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you” and all that? Hmmm… I’ve got an even more ideal idea! How about;
“Ass, gas, or grass… No one rides for free!”
Or maybe;
“With great power, comes great responsibility!”
“Tobacco is whacko (if you’re a teen)!”
I’ve got more! Morality lightning round: GO!
“Hit it and quit it!”
“If at first you don’t succeed, masturbate!”
“It’s a choice, not a child (yet)!”
“Always ask permission before you ejaculate in someone’s hair!”
“You can prick your finger, but don’t finger your prick!”
“Stop fucking with your iPhone when I’m talking to you, goddamnit!”
“Eat shit and bark at the moon!”
“Never mix Lucky Charms and ranch dressing!”

…sorry. I got carried away. Yeah, “Do unto others…” works. I imagine I’ll go to Heaven that way. Get it? I ‘imagine’ I’ll go…? *rim-shot*

• What are numbers?
I don’t have any scientific research to back this up, but I’ll go out on a limb and guess that numbers were most likely invented to count stuff. Numbers are just a human invention. A brilliant invention, but an invention none the less. You’ve gotta be able to count stuff like time, in order to monitor your own decay. That’s why they will never invent a time machine. There’s really no such thing as time. We made that up too. It’s not an observable, natural phenomenon. Like gravity, or electricity, or morning wood. You can’t control what does not exist. But we can dream…

What do you think, dear reader? If you leave a comment, I personally guarantee* you will go to Heaven!

*Offer void to residents of Utah, Texas, and Gotham City. Winner must pass credit check before a lease is offered. Must be 18 or over. When in Heaven, don't pester Elvis.

Now where was I? Oh...yeah... Seriously. Google "Kat Dennings nude". Spectacular!


My Hard-Rockin’ Trip To Washington; Stolen Babies is/are awesome, Incubus is caca-doo-doos, and Linkin Park gives sloppy, eager head to the Honda Corporation

My Hard-Rockin’ Trip To Washington; Stolen Babies is/are awesome, Incubus is caca-doo-doos, and Linkin Park gives sloppy, eager head to the Honda Corporation


On the 4th and 5th of this month, close family and I embarked on a hard-rockin’ journey of pure-metal rockitude. However, rockin’ was surprisingly hard to come by. We paid $18 and drove five hours from Eugene into downtown Crack-City (Studio 7: located in Seattle’s finest skeevy industrial zone.) to see Stolen Babies play a truncated set that didn’t even include my favorite song. We then paid $85 dollars and drove to Tacoma to see Incubus and Linkin Park stink up the Tacomadome, which, by the way, is the shittiest place to have a rock show since the Superbowl. Here’s my take on all the rockin’ rock I rocked.


For those of you who don’t know (and, apparently, that’s everyone) Stolen Babies is a quote, unquote “avant-garde” circus-metal band with an amazingly versatile and beautiful female lead-vocalist. They sound like Mr. Bungle or Oingo Boingo fused with speed metal with a sorta Tim Burton-cabaret aesthetic. The music is incredible, and I absolutely adore this band.

So awesome.

Plus, they were fucking amazing live! My only complaints are that they didn’t play long enough, and they didn’t play my favorite song. Hardly scathing criticism. Plus, they posed for this picture;

That's the singer, Dominique Persi, pointing at moi. I think we're dating now.

So…yeah! They’re really cool to their fans, and they make amazing music! Check them out! Here, I’ll help. Watch this;

May I have more of this, please?

There was a time when I really loved the band Incubus. They used to be really great. No, seriously. I bought “Make Yourself” the very day it was released. I listened to “S.C.I.E.N.C.E.” in high school so much, my actual grades in science class went up. I go way back with these guys, and I’m sure many others do as well. However that’s also where I stopped. For me, Incubus stopped making new records since “Morning View”. That seemed to be about when Brandon Boyd’s vagina had fully grown in, and their stuff stopped having any teeth in it. And by ‘stuff’ I of course mean the music, and not Brandon Boyd’s vagina. Which, as we all know, is filled with razor-sharp teeth. Not all his own.


Brandon Boyd prepares to take the stage.


So you can imagine my disappointment, if not surprise, when they managed to play jack and shit from my favorite Incubus album "S.C.I.E.N.C.E." (Or, god forbid, something even earlier!). Goddamnit!! You know what? I fucking hate bands that completely ignore their classic material live! Especially if they've since mutated into Vegas-Elvis caliber self-parody like this. Excuse me, but you're currently getting away with charging everyone up to $85 a ticket right now because guys like me bought those early albums! Now, what? You're just so above and beyond that old shit that you can't provide a single song's worth of fan service? You sayin' you better 'dan me? Well, FUCK YOU, INCUBUS!!!


Thanks for absolutely nothing! I used to love you SO MUCH! And don’t give me any of your typical excuses for whenever someone complains that you didn’t play their favorite song whatever night. I know you have a fuck-ton of material, and you can’t play everything, and the alignment of the planets wasn’t just so, and blah blah blah. Just one…JUST ONE FUCKING SONG FROM “S.C.I.E.N.C.E.”!!! Those tickets were $85 dollars, you assholes! Not to mention it costs $25 just to park the fucking CAR! They charged us fucking bank for everything short of taking a piss. Ironic since you apparently charged me $85 bucks for total crap!

When Incubus first took the stage and opened with “Privilege” I felt optimistic about their set. I even thought they might play a few of the classics, since, like, they don’t have a new album out or fuckin’ something. Linkin Park just put one out (and boy does it suck), and Stolen Babies has a new one coming in mid-October I believe. But not Incubus. They can afford the space on the set-list, but I guess they thought Incubus fans would rather listen to classic Lionel Richie over classic Incubus.

Here. This was the set-list. You tell me. Does this NOT suck? (Hint: no)

1 • Privilege
2 • Wish You Were Here
3 • Megalomaniac
4 • Adolescents
5 • Nice to Know You
6 • If Not Now, When?
7 • Made For TV Movie
8 • Hello (Lionel Richie cover)
9 • Anna Molly
10 • A Kiss to Send Us Off
11 • Drive
12 • In the Company of Wolves
13 • Pardon Me
14 • Rebel Girls (P.S. This is the shittiest song of all time! The SHITTIEST!)
15 • Sick Sad Little World
16 • Tomorrow’s Food

This brings me to the worst part of Incubusese’s performance. For the very last song, they, of course, did NOT play a classic fan favorite, or even something from a later record that quasi-rocks. No, they instead closed with this;

“Tomorrow’s Food” is some new song I of course didn’t recognize (and apparently, a lot of people near me didn’t either). If I was a waiter, I’d describe this particular dish as a shit sandwich served with a circa 1969 bong water au jus. Made with bread of an excruciatingly boring rhythm, stuffed with some whisper quiet piano and guitar-by-product filling, and topped with a layer of rancid vocal cheese. The show ended with a whimper, and the band hilariously said “thank you” as the crowd collectively scratched their heads and audibly asked “what the fuck was THAT?!”

That, my fellow disillusioned concert-goers, was their big show closer. A song so mellow, it’s in a fucking coma. Jeezus, the last Dimebag Darrel show had a livelier ending. I now believe the rumors about their old bass player. Maybe he really was sent away to live out his remaining years with a nice family on a Thorazine farm as a saw horse. Good God…I never thought I’d miss Hoobastank, but here we are!

Yes, the Incubus show at the Tacomadome on Sept.5th was truly a disappointment in every way. Shame on you, Incubus! You treat your old-school fans like you must treat a multi-pak of Costco-brand dildos; you shove them in places they don’t want to go, and throw them in the garbage.



Before I saw this concert, Linkin Park were filed in the same section of my brain with the likes of Korn or Red Hot Chili Peppers…or even Katy Perry; I like one or two of their hits, but that’s all I really care to know.

Maybe I'd care to know more about this...

They’re just a pop-act to me. But to a lot of people, they’re a real live rock band. Unfortunately, seeing them perform did NOT improve my opinion one iota. They were competent live, I mean, they were alright. But for the life of me, I still can’t tell why THIS band was ever as popular as they were. I mean, I love America, but our taste in Pop music is fucking daft.

For you L.P. fans out there, here’s the set list:

1 • With You
2 • Faint
3 • Given Up
4 • Victimized (with a snippet of Somewhere I Belong )
5 • New Divide
6 • In My Remains
7 • Empty Spaces
8 • When They Come for Me
9 • Waiting for the End
10 • Breaking the Habit
11 • Leave Out All the Rest / Shadow of the Day / Iridescent
12 • The Catalyst
13 • What I’ve Done
14 • Burn It Down
15 • In
16 • Numb
17 • Bleed It Out (with Mike Einziger)
18 • Lost in the Echo
19 • Papercut (NOT the Nirvana song, unfortunately)
20 • One Step Closer

So, first of all, they didn’t play “Crawling” which was too bad, cuz it’s one of few I knew going in. But they did play “Given Up” which is my favorite L.P. tune. But whatever, they played just fine. The mix was shitty, but musically the band did well. Whatever. I guess I was just kinda bored. Linkin Park songs start to sound alike after a very short time. First you do a rap, then you do a rock-anthem chorus (with optional scream), and you do it all again. Toss in a quick bridge, and top it with some wicky-wicky-fresh DJ bullshit. Rinse, wash, repeat. For two hours. Oy.

But all that was to be expected. My problem with this Linkin Park performance was how commercial and shamelessly sold-out the band is. See, this isn’t just any big rock tour. No! This is the “Honda Civic Tour ™”! Normally, no one would give a sailing shit about who the sponsor is, but this… it’s bad, man…

"Souls for sale! Step right up! They're going cheap!"

See, they had this big projection screen set up behind the band, and between bands, they would play fucking car commercials on a short, maddening loop. But that’s not even the worst part. The worst part was how they actually got the two singers from Linkin Park to personally promote their shitty cars! Yes, Chester…uh, whatever his last name is…and the other chubby guy that raps…Mike something…anyway, there they both are (on film, not live) reading a TelePrompTer the way an Al Queda hostage might. In that neither really give a shit if I buy a Honda Civic, and both die a horrific, painful death on camera.

Who in their right mind would dare be caught dead in this piece of shit?! I mean, really?!

Linkin Park has no business doing fucking car commercials. They are a very popular rap-rock band that enough people like that they can get the headlining spot on the Honda bullshit tour. Isn’t that enough? Is this the new goal in music? To be an artist that’s lucky enough to be compensated and revered in your actual lifetime, and you use that opportunity to become a salesman? You could have stayed in Podunk and accomplished that, you fucking load!

There was also this goofy looking motorcycle. Apparently based on an episode of "M.A.S.K."

The highlight of this Möbius strip of pinpoint marketing was when they showed a clip of Chester and Mike seeing some badly tarted-up “Linkin Park-official” Honda Civic, for what I’m SO sure REALLY was the first time. They got to act like they were somehow impressed with it, proving in the process that these jerk-offs absolutely did NOT miss their true calling as Shakespearian thespians. Dude, ok. First; the singers in Linkin Park have such ridiculous bank, they wouldn’t be impressed with a Honda Civic unless one almost hit them when their $10,000/hr hooker accidentally misfired it from her vagina. And B; I don’t care what you do to it, it’s still a fucking Honda Civic, and it will never be cool. Just like rap-rock “music”, and just like Linkin Park.

The lessons learned; Stolen Babies is/are awesome, Incubus is caca-doo-doos, and Linkin Park gives sloppy, eager head to Honda. I had a great time. The fucking end.

The winner, and new champion...of ROCK!!