Paul Ryan Still Sucks

Since the election is near and the man will hopefully become largely irrelevant again, I’m re-posting a link to the blog I wrote about Paul Ryan a few months back. I think I did a pretty good job of shitting on his little pin-head!

antennavillain

Paul Ryan Fun Facts!

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HEY KIDS!
By now, I’m sure you’ve heard that Mitt Romney has picked Paul Ryan to be his lovely wedded vice presidential candidate. This is very exciting news for fans of Rage Against The Machine, hillbilly hand fishing, and schadenfreude! But just how much do you know about our new favorite shithead? After literally minutes of painstaking research, I’ve discovered 6 fascinating facts about this cocksucker, and I’ll be presenting them in a misleading and disingenuous fashion (not unlike the way a Republician might). And I will share them with you right…about…

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...wait for it...

NOW!!!

• He was born into wealth.

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Paul Ryan was born on February 31st, 197X to father Nolan, and mother Zorkan The Executioner. The day he was born, the doctors diagnosed him with the rare disability known as “Microphallus” and declared him “legally ugly”. Both of which helped spark…

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What Is Obama’s Plan?

What Is Obama’s Plan?

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Boy, that debate was frustrating, wuddinit? Romney came out swinging with his famous trademarked “ZINGERS! ™” and Obama was M.I.A.

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I couldn't believe the headlines the next morning!

How could this happen? If you were watching MSNBC, you would have seen Chris Mathews’ eyes roll into the back of his head moments before the explosion. Of his head.

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Somewhere in storage, I have an old Ninja Turtle action figure with the same expression on it's face.

His fucking head blew up! So did mine, but I’m feeling much better now. Chris Mathews…well, he still feels like whatever he is. But, hey! What the fuck? Watching Mitt Romney’s campaign implode over the last year-and-a-half has really been a lot of fun! Especially back in the primaries. Everyone knew Mitt was getting the nomination, but the GOP was obviously bummed out by it. They threw every proverbial turd at the wall to see if someone…ANYONE else would stick! They had the dumb racist from Texas. There was the perverted pizza guy who thought “Lybia” was vaginal drapery. Don’t forget the crazy bitch with the gay husband! And not one, but two assholes from TV. All led by the always lovable Newt Fucking Gingrich!

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Boy... why can't we just elect them all, huh?

As appealing as they all were, in that they were all as appealing as four years of searing groin pain, It was Mitt’s destiny to lose this election. The fact that Mitt was facing an uphill battle right off the bat will be the way Limbaugh, Fox, and their kind will retroactively spin the debates, the most recent rash of shameless racism, the Republican voter fraud that’s going around, and Mitt’s inevitable loss in November. Unlike how they spun Obama’s uphill battle against all the problems inherited from the previous administration.

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Problems like: How do you change your desktop image?

Not only is Mitt Romney a corporate criminal who should be arrested in public, preferably with no pants, crying and sobbing like a bitch because he knows he’s about to go the way of the mighty Maddoff, never to see his loved ones again (“loved ones” in this context being Mitt’s millions of dollars). Not only that, but the Republicans are trying to steal the election. No, really. It’s absolutely true. This isn’t some half baked conspiracy theory bullshit, this is happening to you, right now, to-fucking-day.

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Like, for instance, ignore any signs like this.

Have you heard about all of the voter fraud the Republicans have been up to? Of course you have! First, there’s the wonderfully corrupt world of electronic voting machines. I’ve hated these fuckers since 2004, when a bunch of them showed up in Ohio with possibly thousands of votes for Bush already pre-programmed in.

It was the same year that “The Passion Of The Christ” was number one at the box office, just to give you an idea of 2004’s intellectual zeitgeist. It’s also the year the government admitted there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and CBS gave us the feel good story about the horrific, systematic torture of Iraq Prisoners at the fabulous, palatial Abu Ghraib Prison! Now a days, Obama’s on the ropes about some rich asshole’s taxes being too high. How the fuck did Bush ever get reelected? By rigging the electronic voting machines, of course! And they’re getting ready to do it again.

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and Obama stayed cool...

Then, the GOP hired an election consulting firm or some such shit, called the Strategic Allied Consulting firm. Anyway, the GOP had to fire the firm recently, and play dumb about their past caught red-fucking-handed record of voter registration fraud, when Strategic Allied Consulting was caught committing…wait for it… voter registration fraud! Wha?!?! Who’d a thunk it?

A proud employee of Strategic Allied Consulting!

Then, I saw this story about a Repub phone phreak making racist and, more importantly, bullshit comments when calling voters in some backward armpit state full of red-neck assholes and old fucks. Probably Florida. Lemmie check… Yep. Florida.

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And Obama is, still, cool.

And then I read this, and saw that two stories about electronic voting machine fraud had two states in common, Pennsylvania and Virginia, for a total of 33 electoral votes. Thats more than enough to change an election’s outcome. Ask Al Gore.

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Anything, Mitt? Why do I doubt the verisimilitude of that big gay sign?

Did anyone see Obama’s speech yesterday? You know, the one I only saw 15 second soundbites from? Obama suddenly sounded like the guy who was supposed to show up to that debate! Going after Mitt about his Sesame Street comment, and being cool and funny about it! Wow! Is that the same guy?

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Yep. Still cool.

Someone famous (who I’m too lazy to Google) once (probably) said; “Politics is chess, not checkers” and that’s what I think we’re seeing here. Mark my words. Someday very soon, the true reason for Obama’s apparent throwing of the first debate will make sense in a bigger picture yet to be seen. Hey! Want my unsubstantiated opinion of what Obama’s plan may be? C’mon! It’s fun, you’ll see! Why would Obama play “Rope-A-Dope” with Mitt Romney during their first debate?

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What? Something about Bob Uecker?

Hey, I like Biden. I’d vote for him! But it would seem that some people think of him as an idiot. Probably because the media, desperate for a comedic angle on the man, decided to marginalize Joe with a ‘moron’ label. It’s ok. I understand. Joe seems a bit shot out of a canon. Plus, he drops ‘F’ bombs at inopportune times. So I can see why Obama would possibly be propping up a possible Biden 2016 presidential run. I mean, Obama is still gonna win, and if he doesn’t, the American people will call shenanigans.

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Body language experts on FoxNews said nothing of this photo.

Go ahead, America! Underestimate Joe Biden next Thursday! If my hunch is right, that’s exactly what they want you to do! And after Biden cuts Paul Ryan into itty-bitty little asshole-pieces, everyone can talk about how smart and presidential Joe looked, and how much of a chopped-up collection of little asshole pieces Paul Ryan resembled. And when Joe Biden is being sworn in four years from now, I’ll re-post a link to this blog and say I told you so!

Ugh! I’m done. I can’t do it. I can’t stomach politics anymore. I’m empty and tired. It doesn’t matter what I think, and Republicans are pulling out the stops to make my vote just as meaningless as my opinion. I just hope I’m right about this. Obama’s got a plan! Right?

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Right?

For more on Paul Ryan, read what I wrote about him when he first got the VP pick HERE.