Gene Simmons Is A Rancid Douche

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Want to know one of my deepest, darkest secrets?

I like KISS.

No, not the candy-assed post-makeup KISS! I’m talking the original line up with Ace and the Cat guy, what’s it… Trevor I think it was, may he rest in peace. I was born a little late to enjoy their heyday, but I caught a reunion show. It was a lot of fun, and I feel like I have a better understanding of what it might have been like in the 70s. Only the 70s version of the band’s crass commercialism must seem quaint by today’s standards.

And I’m convinced it’s almost entirely Gene Simmons’ fault.

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Gene Simmons will seemingly do anything for a buck. He has no moral compass, no sense of artistic integrity, and worst of all, he’s a shitty bass player. He’s the second-worst musician in a band where that’s no small feat.

None of that is news. Even Gene knows this. People have said this to his face-like-thing and he always retorts with something about how much money he has. In YOUR face-like-thing, losers! As if that somehow refutes the point.

The point was, is, and always will be: Gene Simmons is a whore.

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…AND he’s hiring!

He’s teamed up with a new marketing firm, and together they’ve hatched a bold, brilliant new idea: Having no idea! They’re instead going to “crowdsource” it on Twitter and the like. Or in other words: “Fuck it! Throw it to the idiots!”

Here’s how The Hollywood Reporter…um, reported it:

“‘The Kiss frontman is asking content creators and fans how the band should celebrate “in the most epic way possible.”‘

Oh boy. I’ve always wanted a job in marketing. It’s in my all-time top three most wanted jobs! Right above “Dog Food Ingredient” and below “Pussy Inspector”. And I already have a T-shirt that says “Dog Food Ingredient”.

“‘Gene Simmons is looking for help celebrating the 40th anniversary of Kiss.”‘

Might I suggest you celebrate with a self-inflicted shotgun blast to your hideous, surgically-deformed face, you fucking whore?

“‘The rocker announced Wednesday night that Kiss is launching a campaign on Tongal — a company that pairs creatives and brands to crowdsource the pitch-and-development process — asking content creators and fans to submit their best ideas for “how Kiss should celebrate their 40th anniversary in the most epic way possible.”‘

This “rocker” (if I may use the term so loosely) is actually working (if I may use THAT term so loosely) with a marketing company to solicit ideas from his everyday, rump-de-dump, “who the fuck are they?” dip-shit fans! What? Is he too busy tounging Donald Trump’s finely bleached anus live on “Fox & Friends” to have any kind of social media presence? Or maybe he could, I don’t know, hire people who normally get paid for their ideas to come up with an idea other than “have random people do it”? Maybe I should tweet that idea to these empty suits?

“‘Typically, Tongal’s brand campaigns involve ideation and pitch processes before moving on to an execution stage where a commercial or campaign is produced. Past projects have included a Star Wars-inspired commercial for Pringles and a Speed Stick ad that aired during the 2013 Super Bowl.”‘

They even admit that, typically, marketeers at least try to come up with new ideas in order to earn their paycheck. Also typically, if you ever ask what random assholes on the internet want to see, the only suitable-for-broadcast idea in their top 100 will be “Star Wars”. What outside-the-box thinkers we have here.

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Or maybe he could go on that one piece of shit crime show with the NYPD Blue loser? WE NEED IDEAS HERE, PEOPLE!!

Hey, what if there was a commercial where Gene Simmons was being viciously sodomized by Darth Vader in the dining room of a Taco Bell? Then Darth could say “Gene…make a run…for the border…” and Gene would then drop to his knees and recieve a (tastefully shot) guacamole facial! Then you could put “God Of Thunder-ous Diarrhea” on the drink cups or some shit. How’s that idea? Did I win? Am I rich yet? I’m sure If Taco Bell believed that commercial would make you more likely to laugh in the face of dysintary and eat a Cheesy Gordita Crunchwrap Supreme, Gene would be totally willing to negotiate the price.

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To watch the full UNCENSORED version of this video, click HERE!!!

“‘But the Kiss project is part of a new service called Left Field, which allows brands to reach out to creators and fans through a 140-character social media call-to-action to help brainstorm ideas. “‘

Wow! What a great idea that you totally couldnt already do right now! Isn’t that right, Twitter account for Tide detergent?

‘”We’ve always been about the fans,” Simmons tells THR.”‘

Then, after an arresting fit of the giggles subsided, the “rocker” continued:

‘”Tongal allows our fans to throw out ideas, and you know you’re going to make something authentic.”‘

“Throw out” is exactly right. Mark my words: You will not be properly compensated. They later go on to say you might, but I’m calling bullshit. What if you tweet a really great idea to these clowns, they use it, and make a gajilillion dollars as a direct result? What would you get? A couple thousand bucks and the pride in knowing that you got as bent over and fucked as any of Paul Stanely’s STD-riddled groupies? Gee, thanks “rocker“. Glad I could be of fucking help.

“‘He adds that the crowdsourcing process at Tongal is not that different from the collaboration within a band.”‘

Is he saying he needs random yahoos from the internet to help write their next album or something? Because I would love to be proven wrong, and this whole idea can somehow actually become even sadder. Schadenfreudegasim!

‘”One person doesn’t play every instrument. You contribute where you’re skilled.”‘

“…and we obviously suck at marketing. Wait, no we don’t. It’s the music we suck at! What am I talking about? What the fuck am I doing?”

Oh, and one person can play every instrument.

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Just because you lack skills, Gene, dosen’t mean everyone else does. I know this might come as a shock to a self-important jackass such as yourself, but it turns out you’re not the greatest man in the history of ever. In fact, you rank somewhere between Sean Hannity and Ted Neugent, and that’s pretty fucking low.

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"...and coming up after the break, we'll hear Sebastian Bach's thoughts on the debt ceiling!"

“‘Simmons announced the campaign as part of his appearance at Tongal’s inaugural award show the Tongies, which was held April 2 at the El Rey Theatre. He handed out the award for best Best Original Song used in a campaign. Other awards included Best Broadcast Spot, Best Comedy, Best Idea and Video of the Year. “‘

Ooooh! Isn’t that exciting! I’m sure all the brightest stars of Tinsletown turned out for this gala event! As a big-time “rocker” you must meet lots of famous and interesting people. So tell me, “rocker“, is the Geico lizard as nice as he seems in real life? Did you tag-team Flo from the Progressive ads with Toucan Sam? Did you score any blow off of Speedy The Alka-Seltzer? Yeah, you suck.

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The guy makes Howard Stern look like Mark Twain.

This article does not say who won each of these catergories, and I fucking refuse to look it up, so let’s immediately date this blog post and make some predictions.

Best Original Song used in a campaign – “Pepto-Bismol Enema (Sha Na Na)” by Gene Simmons

Best Broadcast Spot – “Pringles Can Stuck On Dong” by Pringles

Best Comedy – “The Lego Movie” by Warner Bros.

Best Idea – “KISS” by Gene Simmons

Video of the Year – “2 Girls, 1 Cup, & A Gene Simmons” by 3 Sickening Prostitutes LLC.

“‘Creatives who participate in Tongal’s projects get paid if they submit winning ideas. This year, Tongal expects to pay more than $15 million to its community.”‘

Oh, is that what they “expect”? What horseshit. I ask again: what if the idea I submit makes your company millions of dollars? Do I hit the $15 million creativity jackpot? Would I even qualify as a “Creative” under contest rules? Would any actualy creative people ever participate in this fucking bullshit? And if a tree falls in the forrest, does Gene Simmons get a royality? The answer to all these questions is: “…maybe?

“‘Tongal co-founder and president James DeJulio says the Kiss campaign represents an opportunity for brands to use the platform to engage fans.”‘

Hey, do you know what else is a really good platform for reaching KISS fans? A literal fucking platform. You know, the kind that KISS can play on. They could set up all their gear, turn it up really loud, and reach thousands and thousands of people who just happen to already be KISS fans. It wouldn’t appear that they thought of that, though. Hey, maybe I should tweet that?!

‘”Like any great brand, Kiss’ fans have supported them and been a part of their lives forever,” he adds. “This campaign creates another deep connection with the band.”‘

Wait, I think there’s a typo in there. Either “brand” or “band” is inncorrect. It should be the same word both times, but I’m not sure which one. Probably “Brand”.

Fucking whore…

I’m not sure how I should end this piece. Hey, lets “crowdsource” it! What do YOU think? How should I end this post? Should I just end it by calling Gene Simmons a “fucking whore” again? Should I post a picture of Gene Simmons holding a crudely drawn dick to his mouth? Or should it just end abruptly, with no

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You were right again, Internet. You always are.

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9 thoughts on “Gene Simmons Is A Rancid Douche

  1. Go ahead Antenna Villain and overlook what Kiss has donated to many different organizations such as the Wounded Warrior Program and The Mending Kids Foundation to name a few. Call it a PR stunt, call it a tax break, call it whatever the f**k you want, it still helping those who can’t get help from previously government funded programs that have dried up because of the greed that exists in Washington. Antenna Villain, I think living in your grandmas basement writing shit about others has decomposed your way of thinking. Give granny a break and move out.

    • Thanks for the tip, Frank. I think I will go ahead and overlook that bullshit about Kiss donating .000001% of the proceeds from their “Love Gun” lunchboxes, or their “Hot In The Shade” salad tongs, or those fucking caskets, so as to mend all the Wounded Child Warriors or whatever. Because, like I said in the main post, Gene himself makes that same arguement all the time to try and defend his grossly indefensible disregard for artistic integrity. Not to mention his depraved and constant wallet-raping of Kiss fans. I’ve actually seen him on Fox News (on which he appears quite frequently, further proof of assholery) congratulating himself for his generosity toward the Wounded Warrior Program specifically. Sorry, but boasting of wealth or of good deeds does not unmake him a pandering whore. Like I said; that was, is, and always will be the point.

      Which is why I noticed that you didn’t even bother to take issue with my allegations of Gene lacking in artistic ability and integrity. Just like Gene himself would do. Doesn’t that seem like a wrong minded way to approach a discussion about one’s artistic integrity? I don’t mean for you, Frank. You’re just some random Frank. I mean for a world famous “recording artist” and “content creator” like Gene Simmons. Simmons made his money making music, and music is supposed to be an art form, isn’t it? Simmons seems to take more pride in the way he markets his music rather than in the music itself, and we should find that troubling. Sure I’m aware that good marketing requires a certain artistic touch, but I’m equally aware that rock stars know better than to admit to taking equal pride in both. Otherwise, you cheapen the art, and cause it to come across as tacky, gauche, vacuous, superficial, ass peddling. Now, Gene Simmons himself would gleefully admit that that’s a fairly accurate description of the entire Gene Simmons experience. And he doesn’t give a fuck… He sells it! So that makes Gene look like a…
      Uhhhh…
      Oh, what’s the word?
      Hmmm…
      Oh, yeah!

      WHORE.

      But he is who he is, and his done deeds have done been did. It’s too late to save his artistic soul. Let me put it this way. Let’s say you were a Christian prostitute. You know your affordable ass is going to Hell, no matter how much of your prostitution income ended up in the collection plate each Sunday. Jesus has already shed exactly one tear for each financed pelvic thrust, and they can’t be un-thrusted. Not even if your John had worn a Kiss Kondom.

      • Lighten up Francis. If you had a band needing a bass player, looks like Gene would fit right in.

  2. I have to agree with everything said here about Gene Simmons. He is an average bass player and was a good songwriter and singer back in the 70s. He had a couple of good tunes on Creatures and Lick it up and finally got his shit together for a brief time for Hot in the Shade and Revenge.

    But i honestly think he doesn’t really get it in regards to what makes rock great. He constantly criticises Ace and Peter. And that may be due to the possiility that those guys are anti semites who made nazi salutes towards him. if so then his bitterness towards them is justified. But Ace and Peter are who made the band badasses and after they left the band were no longer bad asses.

    In reagrds to Kiss Paul Stanley is the one with true greatness. He is a brilliant singer and he really reached his vocal peak between 1977 to 1989. He is the best songwriter though I think the songs he wrote were limited by his need to be able to sing and play it live. meaning they could have being even better. He is the guy that kept it going in the dark days from 1982 to 1992. The author is not a fan of Kiss after 1979 and thats fine as a lot of people fall into that category. But for those who were fans of the band in that period, I reckon they would tell you that their favourite songs from that era were primarily the ones that Paul wrote or co wrote.

    • Ace (and to a lesser extent, Peter) was what gave KISS any hope of artistic validation. Without him, I think the music became too cheesy and predictable. To be fair, KISS was always cheesy and predictable. It’s part of their charm. But you’ve gotta have Ace, or it’s gonna be lame. To put it succinctly, Gene was the dick, Paul was the scrotum, and Ace & Peter were the balls.

      Thanks for reading!

  3. This is, without a doubt, one of the funniest things I’ve red on the Internet. You are quite a gifted writer and a thorn in gene Simmons swollen side

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