Gene Simmons Is A Rancid Douche

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Want to know one of my deepest, darkest secrets?

I like KISS.

No, not the candy-assed post-makeup KISS! I’m talking the original line up with Ace and the Cat guy, what’s it… Trevor I think it was, may he rest in peace. I was born a little late to enjoy their heyday, but I caught a reunion show. It was a lot of fun, and I feel like I have a better understanding of what it might have been like in the 70s. Only the 70s version of the band’s crass commercialism must seem quaint by today’s standards.

And I’m convinced it’s almost entirely Gene Simmons’ fault.

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Gene Simmons will seemingly do anything for a buck. He has no moral compass, no sense of artistic integrity, and worst of all, he’s a shitty bass player. He’s the second-worst musician in a band where that’s no small feat.

None of that is news. Even Gene knows this. People have said this to his face-like-thing and he always retorts with something about how much money he has. In YOUR face-like-thing, losers! As if that somehow refutes the point.

The point was, is, and always will be: Gene Simmons is a whore.

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…AND he’s hiring!

He’s teamed up with a new marketing firm, and together they’ve hatched a bold, brilliant new idea: Having no idea! They’re instead going to “crowdsource” it on Twitter and the like. Or in other words: “Fuck it! Throw it to the idiots!”

Here’s how The Hollywood Reporter…um, reported it:

“‘The Kiss frontman is asking content creators and fans how the band should celebrate “in the most epic way possible.”‘

Oh boy. I’ve always wanted a job in marketing. It’s in my all-time top three most wanted jobs! Right above “Dog Food Ingredient” and below “Pussy Inspector”. And I already have a T-shirt that says “Dog Food Ingredient”.

“‘Gene Simmons is looking for help celebrating the 40th anniversary of Kiss.”‘

Might I suggest you celebrate with a self-inflicted shotgun blast to your hideous, surgically-deformed face, you fucking whore?

“‘The rocker announced Wednesday night that Kiss is launching a campaign on Tongal — a company that pairs creatives and brands to crowdsource the pitch-and-development process — asking content creators and fans to submit their best ideas for “how Kiss should celebrate their 40th anniversary in the most epic way possible.”‘

This “rocker” (if I may use the term so loosely) is actually working (if I may use THAT term so loosely) with a marketing company to solicit ideas from his everyday, rump-de-dump, “who the fuck are they?” dip-shit fans! What? Is he too busy tounging Donald Trump’s finely bleached anus live on “Fox & Friends” to have any kind of social media presence? Or maybe he could, I don’t know, hire people who normally get paid for their ideas to come up with an idea other than “have random people do it”? Maybe I should tweet that idea to these empty suits?

“‘Typically, Tongal’s brand campaigns involve ideation and pitch processes before moving on to an execution stage where a commercial or campaign is produced. Past projects have included a Star Wars-inspired commercial for Pringles and a Speed Stick ad that aired during the 2013 Super Bowl.”‘

They even admit that, typically, marketeers at least try to come up with new ideas in order to earn their paycheck. Also typically, if you ever ask what random assholes on the internet want to see, the only suitable-for-broadcast idea in their top 100 will be “Star Wars”. What outside-the-box thinkers we have here.

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Or maybe he could go on that one piece of shit crime show with the NYPD Blue loser? WE NEED IDEAS HERE, PEOPLE!!

Hey, what if there was a commercial where Gene Simmons was being viciously sodomized by Darth Vader in the dining room of a Taco Bell? Then Darth could say “Gene…make a run…for the border…” and Gene would then drop to his knees and recieve a (tastefully shot) guacamole facial! Then you could put “God Of Thunder-ous Diarrhea” on the drink cups or some shit. How’s that idea? Did I win? Am I rich yet? I’m sure If Taco Bell believed that commercial would make you more likely to laugh in the face of dysintary and eat a Cheesy Gordita Crunchwrap Supreme, Gene would be totally willing to negotiate the price.

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To watch the full UNCENSORED version of this video, click HERE!!!

“‘But the Kiss project is part of a new service called Left Field, which allows brands to reach out to creators and fans through a 140-character social media call-to-action to help brainstorm ideas. “‘

Wow! What a great idea that you totally couldnt already do right now! Isn’t that right, Twitter account for Tide detergent?

‘”We’ve always been about the fans,” Simmons tells THR.”‘

Then, after an arresting fit of the giggles subsided, the “rocker” continued:

‘”Tongal allows our fans to throw out ideas, and you know you’re going to make something authentic.”‘

“Throw out” is exactly right. Mark my words: You will not be properly compensated. They later go on to say you might, but I’m calling bullshit. What if you tweet a really great idea to these clowns, they use it, and make a gajilillion dollars as a direct result? What would you get? A couple thousand bucks and the pride in knowing that you got as bent over and fucked as any of Paul Stanely’s STD-riddled groupies? Gee, thanks “rocker“. Glad I could be of fucking help.

“‘He adds that the crowdsourcing process at Tongal is not that different from the collaboration within a band.”‘

Is he saying he needs random yahoos from the internet to help write their next album or something? Because I would love to be proven wrong, and this whole idea can somehow actually become even sadder. Schadenfreudegasim!

‘”One person doesn’t play every instrument. You contribute where you’re skilled.”‘

“…and we obviously suck at marketing. Wait, no we don’t. It’s the music we suck at! What am I talking about? What the fuck am I doing?”

Oh, and one person can play every instrument.

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Just because you lack skills, Gene, dosen’t mean everyone else does. I know this might come as a shock to a self-important jackass such as yourself, but it turns out you’re not the greatest man in the history of ever. In fact, you rank somewhere between Sean Hannity and Ted Neugent, and that’s pretty fucking low.

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"...and coming up after the break, we'll hear Sebastian Bach's thoughts on the debt ceiling!"

“‘Simmons announced the campaign as part of his appearance at Tongal’s inaugural award show the Tongies, which was held April 2 at the El Rey Theatre. He handed out the award for best Best Original Song used in a campaign. Other awards included Best Broadcast Spot, Best Comedy, Best Idea and Video of the Year. “‘

Ooooh! Isn’t that exciting! I’m sure all the brightest stars of Tinsletown turned out for this gala event! As a big-time “rocker” you must meet lots of famous and interesting people. So tell me, “rocker“, is the Geico lizard as nice as he seems in real life? Did you tag-team Flo from the Progressive ads with Toucan Sam? Did you score any blow off of Speedy The Alka-Seltzer? Yeah, you suck.

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The guy makes Howard Stern look like Mark Twain.

This article does not say who won each of these catergories, and I fucking refuse to look it up, so let’s immediately date this blog post and make some predictions.

Best Original Song used in a campaign – “Pepto-Bismol Enema (Sha Na Na)” by Gene Simmons

Best Broadcast Spot – “Pringles Can Stuck On Dong” by Pringles

Best Comedy – “The Lego Movie” by Warner Bros.

Best Idea – “KISS” by Gene Simmons

Video of the Year – “2 Girls, 1 Cup, & A Gene Simmons” by 3 Sickening Prostitutes LLC.

“‘Creatives who participate in Tongal’s projects get paid if they submit winning ideas. This year, Tongal expects to pay more than $15 million to its community.”‘

Oh, is that what they “expect”? What horseshit. I ask again: what if the idea I submit makes your company millions of dollars? Do I hit the $15 million creativity jackpot? Would I even qualify as a “Creative” under contest rules? Would any actualy creative people ever participate in this fucking bullshit? And if a tree falls in the forrest, does Gene Simmons get a royality? The answer to all these questions is: “…maybe?

“‘Tongal co-founder and president James DeJulio says the Kiss campaign represents an opportunity for brands to use the platform to engage fans.”‘

Hey, do you know what else is a really good platform for reaching KISS fans? A literal fucking platform. You know, the kind that KISS can play on. They could set up all their gear, turn it up really loud, and reach thousands and thousands of people who just happen to already be KISS fans. It wouldn’t appear that they thought of that, though. Hey, maybe I should tweet that?!

‘”Like any great brand, Kiss’ fans have supported them and been a part of their lives forever,” he adds. “This campaign creates another deep connection with the band.”‘

Wait, I think there’s a typo in there. Either “brand” or “band” is inncorrect. It should be the same word both times, but I’m not sure which one. Probably “Brand”.

Fucking whore…

I’m not sure how I should end this piece. Hey, lets “crowdsource” it! What do YOU think? How should I end this post? Should I just end it by calling Gene Simmons a “fucking whore” again? Should I post a picture of Gene Simmons holding a crudely drawn dick to his mouth? Or should it just end abruptly, with no

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You were right again, Internet. You always are.

Bill Cunningham Is A Racist

It’s been almost a year since I’ve blogged about anything. Sorry, but I’ve been out on a nine month hiking trip through the GumDrop Candy Forest. Well, it started out as a hiking trip. I went to one of Mr. Goodbar’s infamous gingerbread house parties and, long story short, I knocked up a Gummi Bear. Or so I thought. Nine months later, the kid came out half caramel.

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Slut!

If only I’d had the foresight and lack of self respect to call one of those daytime talk shows for one o’ dem lie detector tests to justify my self loathing!

Daytime talk shows are quite formulaic. Jerry Springer, Maury Povich, Steve Wilkos, Bill Cunningham, Trisha Goddard, and the soon to be cancelled Jeremy Kyle all have the same show. Fucked-up people go on TV and look like fucked-up people in order to make the home viewer feel better about themselves.

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Sure, your useless, unemployed ass is at home at 1pm watching TV, but at least you're not as fucked-up as these losers!

I enjoy these shows because, frankly, I enjoy the misery of others. Who doesn’t? However, there is one daytime show that’s way WAY worse than any of the others. No, not Dr. Oz. Great guess, though! Thanks for playing! No, I’m talking about…

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Bill Cunningham.

This hideous golem doesn’t just have a sub-par TV show where he talks down to black people. He also has a sub-par AM radio talk show where he talks down to everyone! On his radio show, he’s been heard to say stuff like:

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“…(Barack Obama’s) father was a typical black father who, right after the birth, left the baby. That’s what black fathers do. They simply leave.”

After careful consideration (aka: overthinking it), I am convinced that this man is such a racist bigot, he actually started a TV show to not only get ratings and make money like his daytime contemporaries, but to also back up his own disgustingly racist and bigoted views about black people! Kind of like a less subtle Pat Robertson.

And I’m saying he almost exclusively features only crazy, shouting black people on his show. Like, more than the average shit-ass talk show. Seriously. Flip channels and check once in awhile. They are almost always black, and they’re rarely not yelling.

If you enjoyed the above video, you’ll love this charming bit from his radio show. Back in 2003, a black man named Nathaniel Jones was beaten to death by Cincinnati cops. Jones was 400 pounds of angel dust-fueled insanity, and the cops just went whack-a-mole on his ass. Preliminary autopsy results (as reported by Fox News) showed that he may not have died from the severe beating, but from heart failure due to his girth and the ridiculous amount of PCP in his body. Too bad the whole thing was caught on video, and the black community got pissed off about it. The cops looked bad once again, and the whole thing was just sad. Not technically a “tragedy”, but still sad. Therefore I have no jokes about it. I just don’t see it as an especially humorous event. However, handsome media superstar Bill Cunningham thought it was the perfect subject to write a wacky song about! Everybody sing along!

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“The fat man ever after has a martyr’s place/ Let’s all ignore whatever drugs he had…His death was unrelated to his injuries but still we hear the people sing police brutality/ lies go on bro la la how the lies go on.”

Tee-fucking-hee. This is the same Bill Cunningham that now has a show featuring African-American guests that he and his producers help make look like Hustler magazine cartoons, and he scolds them about their personal family relationship problems. Being a guest on this bigot’s show would be like getting a blow job in a public men’s room through a hole in a “God Hates Fags” sign.

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This man is a racist.

Fox’s story about it:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/2003/12/01/man-death-in-fight-with-cincinnati-cops-probed/

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Fox News! We distort...You decry!

—–FOX NEWS ALERT!!—–

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SHOCKING NEWS! BILL CUNTINGHAM HATES OBAMA!

It would stand to reason that Bill would hate the president. Not only is Obama black (or black enough for Bill to hate) but apparently, if you have an AM talk radio show, it’s required by FCC regulations that you do nothing but talk shit on Obama. Media trail blazer Bill Cunningham never strays from the established tropes of the medium he’s working in. Got an AM radio talk show? That’s easy! Do the ol’ Limbaugh shtick! Got a daytime TV talk show? No problem! Do the ol’ Maury shtick! Bill Cunningham is so derivative and creatively bankrupt, Hollywood producers masturbate to his show transcripts.

Here’s a fun quote from The Bill Cunningham Radio Show where Bill accuses The President Of The United States Of America of wanting to “gas the Jews”.

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During the October 30 broadcast of his Cincinnati-based radio show, Bill Cunningham asked “Randy Furman,” a fictional Jewish character voiced by fellow WLW-AM host Scott Sloan: “Did you hear about this [Columbia University professor of Middle East studies Rashid] Khalidi tape where [Sen. Barack] Obama is toasting a guy who wants to gas and fry Jews? … This Obama guy loves the PLO [Palestinian Liberation Organization]. Can’t you figure that out?” Cunningham later added, “Jews for [Sen. John] McCain because Obama wants to gas the Jews, like the PLO wants to gas the Jews, like the Nazis gassed the Jews. You got Obama introducing Arab terrorists, and the L.A. Times won’t release the story.”

Holy shit! At least Glenn Beck was honest enough with his audience to say his kooky Nazi bullshit on both his radio and TV shows. Bill tries to fool his TV audience by disguising his bigotry within a simulacrum of the typical paint-by-numbers daytime format. The racism is definitely still there if you know to look for it. Now you do. You’re welcome.

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“I guess the L.A. Times still has that tape on Khalidi, and they don’t release it because it’s injurious to the interest of Obama. Can you imagine if the media had a tape of maybe John McCain at a Ku Klux Klan rally or at an abortion-clinic benefit and he’s standing there toasting the guy who bombed the abortion clinic, and the L.A. Times wouldn’t release it?”

Sure. I’d imagine the media coverage for a presidential candidate participating at a fucking Clan rally would be vastly different than the coverage of a senator toasting an American university professor. Probably because one of these things doesn’t involve anything particularly newsworthy, and the other one would involve celebrated war hero John McCain participating at a fucking KKK rally! It’s like comparing apples and date rape. Good eye, Bill. Nice job.

Oh, and notice how he played the KKK card? Have I mentioned that this man is a racist?

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This man is a racist.

If you need a non-racial/non-political reason to avoid this grotesque human hemorrhoid, try this:

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Cunningham’s WLW show (in Cincinnati) went on a brief hiatus in June 2010 due to a contract dispute. Soon after, WLW’s owner, Clear Channel, announced that he signed a long-term agreement to stay with the station. In released remarks commenting on his decision, Cunningham said, “Cincinnati is my home. The first air I breathed. The first milk I drank was from Cincinnati. Others may have come as carpetbaggers to loot the Queen City and then move on. Willie will remain true.”

Hey, at least he’s loyal! He’s proud to have been born in Cincinnati, Ohio (he said it was “the first air he breathed”) and he don’t take kindly to carpetbaggers trying to fuck with his home town!

Bill Cunningham was born in Covington, Kentucky

Oh, well, fuck that all to Hell! Never mind.

“Cunningham was one of four children and has described his father as an abusive alcoholic who left the family when Cunningham was 11.”

Gee, Bill. I didn’t know you were half black.

In all seriousness, that’s actually pretty sad. I wish I could help. If only…hey wait! I just got a great idea for the next episode of Bill’s TV show! Quickly! To the DeLorean! We need to give Bill’s dad a lie detector test!

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"Souls? Where we're going, we won't need...souls...

I Hate Ben Roethlisberger!!

DISCLAIMER – The following essay contains opinions about accusations that have NOT been proven in a court of law. But then, neither has gravity, nor how magnets work, or even the existence of God. But I digress. What I’m saying is that I know no more about the facts of these cases than your average Internet troll, and I’m not joking when I say I have absolutely no money, so please don’t bother suing me for slander and/or libel if applicable. Thank you.

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There he is. “Big” Ben Roethlisberger. What a foul, despicable, odious, slimy, loathsome, abhorrent, repugnant, abominable, dirty, contemptible, heinous, unscrupulous son of a bitch! I hope he goddamn DIES! He’s a thick-necked walking flank steak with a meat ball head shaped like a bell (or “meat-bell”). I’m saying he’s shaped like a snowman, and seems about as smart as one. Oh, and never forget, he’s probably a rapist. Could he actually be an active NFL quarterback who got away with rape? Well, if he is, *ahem*, I HOPE HE GODDAMN DIES!!

Big Ben Rapistberger (as he’s know in my house) is notorious for his extremely bad sportsmanship, but screw that. I couldn’t care less about the fact that he’s a little bitch on the field (even though he totally IS). I could never give enough of a shit about any of that garbage to write so many words about it. No, I hate him for all the fucked up shit he’s done off the field. I guess for some people, that kind of stuff doesn’t matter, as long as he wins games. But this opinion is only held by raging Steelers fans who are willfully blind to the black eye the whole organization wears due to Rapistberger’s presence.

Oh, and by the way, after watching him cough up last Sunday’s game against the Dallas CowGirls, I think a Steelers fan should start to wonder if having a brain-damaged rapist on the roster is really worth the accompanying social stigma. All joking aside, I just want to say this to any Steelers fans who may be reading: You have shit taste in football, and you should all be ashamed of yourselves for not shunning this fuckhead. Pick a different team, you jackass.

So without further ado… Some more ado; Here’s three big “Fuck You’s” to Big Ben Rapistberger and the Pittsburg Steelers:

Fuck You #1 – Get Your Motor Running…Head Out Into Windshields!

Get a load of this shit. This dweeb used to like to ride his rice burning Suzuki Hayabusa around scenic downtown Pittsburg… with NO HELMET! Holy 2011 Superbowl Loser, BatMan! Can you even imagine doing something THAT fucking stupid without the aid of alcohol or sweet, sweet bath salts? Is Ben Rapistberger so used to head injuries, that he’s now learned to just enjoy all the pretty stars and bells? There’s nothing but concrete around you, you big dumb asshole! What if you had to make a sudden stop? What if you had to lay the cycle down? What the fuck are you thinking? You could lose your amazingly awesome job as an NFL quarterback! What a big dumb asshole!

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Hey, you! What's with that pussy helmet, faggot?!

So, of course, one day (Monday, June 12, 2006, at 11:17 a.m. EDT to be exact) he helmetlessly smashes into oncoming traffic, flying over the handlebars of his mighty rapistcycle like a spam loaf from a sling shot. Luckily, the car’s windshield was there to cushion his concussion. Oh, and did I mention that the Suzuki Hayabusa is known to be one of the fastest motorcycles ever made? Don’t worry, though. I’m sure Big Ben wasn’t going over the speed limit. Since when has he ever exhibited a tendency towards poor decision making?

The paramedics arrived at the scene just in time to save his worthless life. I’m sure his alleged rape victims would agree with me when I say “Boy, we sure dodged a bullet there” sarcastically.

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After kissing the windshield, they sold his face leavin's as "food".

Fuck You #2 – RAPE # 1 -“No-Tell Hotel Hell”

Here’s why I really hate this ratcunt. Let me say again that all of the crap I’m about to bring up has never been proven in a court of law. But then again, neither has the female orgasm, nor that what Taco Bell serves is food, or that MTV is either music or television, or that Fox News is actually news…but, again, I digress. Anyhoo, here’s the story. The following is from Wikipedia, so you know it’s factually infallible.

“On July 17, 2009, a civil suit was filed in Washoe County, Nevada District Court accusing Roethlisberger of sexually assaulting Andrea McNulty, 31, in June 2008 in his hotel room while he was in Lake Tahoe for a celebrity golf tournament.”

Boy, that Don Juan Rapistberger sure has a way with the ladies! Check out the smooth move he uses on his victim…er, his… Hmmm…

No, on second thought, let’s go with ‘victim’:

“According to the woman, she was working as an executive casino host in July 2008, when she said Roethlisberger struck up a friendly conversation at her desk during the golf tournament.”

See what he’s doing here? He’s creating a bullshit facade by publicly trying to charm his victim in front of witnesses in order to establish a sort of “rape alibi” for when witnesses get questioned by the police later. That way they’ll say that she seemed to be comfortable and pleasant around him, since by that point she hadn’t been raped yet. Or, since she’s the hostess at the casino that was holding the golf tournament, they’ll say she even seemed overly friendly or even flirtatious, which is kinda part of her job. I call this premeditation. Ben calls it foreplay.

Let’s fast forward to when Big Ben Rapistberger creates the circumstance that lured the poor woman into his clutches. Buckle up.

“The next night she said Roethlisberger telephoned her to tell her that the television sound system in his room wasn’t working and asked her to look at it. The woman said she determined that the TV was functioning properly, but as she turned to leave he stood in front of the door and blocked her, then grabbed her and started to kiss her.”

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Gee, what a hopeless romantic, huh ladies? That short-dicked dog-fucker.

According to the lawsuit, the woman obtained hospital treatment after the alleged attack. But there wasn’t enough physical evidence for anything to stick. So I guess that’s the end of it. Or it would have been, if there hadn’t been a sequel.

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And this is what was used as lubricant!

Fuck You #3 – RAPE 2: THE SECRET OF HIS OOZE

I might give Rapistberger the benefit of the doubt if not for the second victim. One could be a misunderstanding. But this second one is so detestable and atrocious, it’s pretty hard to just dismiss or ignore it. The following (*sigh*) allegedly happened just ten months before that Superbowl that he went to and lost. Boy, it pisses me off to think that the Steelers didn’t just out n’ out fire his stupid ass merely because they couldn’t find someone else who could throw a fucking football as well on such short notice. If only there was a law against rape…

From Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia:

“On March 5, 2010, it was revealed that police in Milledgeville, Georgia were investigating Roethlisberger for a sexual assault inside the women’s restroom of the Capital City nightclub. The accuser, a then-20-year-old student at nearby Georgia College & State University, was seen at several establishments with Roethlisberger leading up to the incident, including posing for a photograph with him.”

There he goes again! Establishing his patented, unimpeachable Rape Alibi ™. Well it turns out, he didn’t need to, thanks to his bodyguards’ day jobs.

“Roethlisberger spoke with police the night of the incident and stated that he did have contact with the woman that was not “consummated” and afterward the accuser slipped and injured her head.”

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"Oh, yeah, by the way, officer. My alleged date-rape victim had a little 'accident' when I smashed her head into the filthy, scuzzy nightclub bathroom sink while I was (allegedly) raping her. Er, I mean, she slipped. Oopsie!"

“In interviews with the police on the night of the incident, the woman alleged that Roethlisberger, after inviting her and her friends to the V.I.P. area of the nightclub, encouraged them to do numerous shots of alcohol before Anthony Barravecchio — an off-duty Coraopolis, Pennsylvania policeman, undercover DEA narcotics officer at Pittsburgh International Airport, and one of Roethlisberger’s bodyguards — stated he led her down a hallway to a stool and left. Witnesses, however, stated that Barravecchio “placed his hand” on the accuser’s shoulder and applied “a little bit of pressure to guide her” into the restroom where she claims the assault took place, something Barravecchio’s lawyer denies.”

So an off-duty cop was the accomplice? Oh, I mean, *allegedly* the accomplice? Wow. Holy fuck, WOW! What huge, adamantium-plated balls on this cop! I certainly hope that the REAL police will come to this poor woman’s aid…

“After Barravecchio’s claimed departure, Roethlisberger allegedly approached, exposed himself, and despite the woman’s protests, followed her into what turned out to be a bathroom when she tried to leave through the first door she saw. The woman claims Roethlisberger then had sex with her. It is further alleged that friends of the woman attempted to intervene out of worry, but the second of Roethlisberger’s bodyguards, Edward Joyner—an off-duty Pennsylvania State Trooper—avoided eye contact and said he did not know what they were talking about. The policemen later claimed to “have no memory” of meeting the woman.”

The other guy is an off-duty cop too? The thin blue line apparently has a bit of black and gold in it as well. And rape. Black, Gold, and Rape! Hey! That should be their new team colors! Wait, what color is rape?

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Our viscous bodily fluids may run (down your leg), but these colors won't!

“Milledgeville Police Sergeant Jerry Blash, who had posed for a photograph with Roethlisberger earlier in the evening, was the first officer to respond.”

What was that I said earlier about the REAL police coming to this poor woman’s aid? Well, fuck all that to Hell! Slimy, dirty, crooked fucking cops! This story disgusts me so much, I can’t even try to joke about it anymore. Ugh… Let’s just move along…

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Let's play a game of "Spot The Asshole"! Hey, guess what! You've already won!

“At the scene, he (Milledgeville Police Sergeant Jerry Blash -pictured above, left-) made a comment about the accuser to Barravecchio: “We have a problem, this drunken [expletive], drunk off her ass, is accusing Ben of rape.” Blash later admitted denigrating the accuser and never formally questioning Roethlisberger; he did speak to the NFL player and his off-duty police bodyguards at the Capital City club, but according to Blash’s own report, Roethlisberger was hardly engaged and spent most of the time on his phone.”

Yeah, on his phone. Probably hunting for his next victim. If there was any justice in this world, Rapistberger would be forced to have his microscopic cock and ball-less scrotum snipped off and shoved down his fucking throat, along with a healthy side-order of cinder block.

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Hey, don't grill him too hard there, Sipowitz! Remember, he plays professional football!

By the way. The victim being a, quote – unquote “drunken ____ drunk off her ass…” doesn’t get a rapist off the hook. Obviously the officer said this in self-service, just to improve the overall image of policemen everywhere. So, remember; Sergeant Blash may be as bad as a rapist, but at least he’s not as bad as Hitler, or George W. Bush. Or a Jay Leno monologue. Well…most Jay Leno monologues.

“Roethlisberger hired lawyer Ed Garland, who had previously defended Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis in his murder trial.”

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Pictured L to R: Slimy Asshole Prick Lawyer Ed Garland, microphone, unknown.

Oh, great! Yeah, here’s two more fine examples of the human race caught in the crossfire of circumstance. If you didn’t know, Ray Lewis (allegedly) stabbed some people at a Superbowl party until thay’s was dead. But since he ratted out his buddies in a plea bargain cooked up by the slimy asshole prick lawyer Ed Fucking Garland, life’s back to normal for him. In fact, he’s still currently on the Baltimore Ravens’ roster.

So… I guess, fuck the Baltimore Ravens, too!

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Employing alleged murderers since 2000!

“On April 12, 2010, district attorney Fred Bright held a press conference to announce that Roethlisberger would not be charged. Bright said “looking at all the evidence here, “I cannot prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt”. Furthermore, the accuser wrote to the D.A. through her lawyer expressing she no longer wanted to pursue criminal charges because the level of media attention would make a criminal trial too “intrusive” of a personal experience. The letter stressed that she was not recanting her accusation.”

When the investigating officers are all Rapistberger’s buddies, there’s probably not gonna be a whole fuck-of-a-lot of evidence against him. I wonder why she never recanted. Maybe because she’s telling the truth? Or maybe I’m jumping to irrational conclusions? I guess we’ll never know exactly what took place, but Rapistberger and his pen o’ pig-pals fucking reek, man! Where’s Steve Wilkos when you really need him?

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"...and the results are that Ben... Did NOT tell the truth!"

“As a result of the unabridged details revealed in Bright’s press conference, reaction was swift. Steelers president Art Rooney was reported to be “furious”. The owner of Pittsburgh-based PLB Sports, which marketed “Big Ben’s Beef Jerky”, terminated the company’s five-year sponsorship of Roethlisberger, the first such action in the company’s 14-year history. Jerry Blash finally resigned from the Milledgeville Police on April 15, 2010. Anthony Barravecchio was never disciplined in the incident, despite a local investigation where the Coraopolis Solicitor reviewed the 500-page Georgia Bureau of Investigation file on the matter.”

Yeah. It seems like everything is on the up and up here, I said sarcastically. Jesus Montgomery Christ! This whole thing stinks like Troy Polamalu’s skraggy hair! Not since Walmart’s health care policy has so many been so bent over by so few. I mean, comparatively speaking, of course.

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While shopping at Walmart, don't forget to stock up on lube!

And, so, I end with a hearty and passionate “FUCK YOU!!!” to Big Ben Rapistberger. Followed up with another no-less enthusiastic “FUCK YOU!!!” to the whole Steelers organization for letting him come back to work as a professional role model after all of this horrible shit! I like to think that my favorite football team has a strict “no rapists” policy, and if they suddenly didn’t I would abandon my fandom immediately. If you’re a Steelers fan and you’re still reading this, ask yourself; “Why am I still reading this?”. Then ask yourself this follow-up: Do I really want my team led by a alleged two-time rapist who, in his spare time, rides his motorcycle with no helmet like the dumbest of dumb-dumb dummy dumb-asses?”

Well, do you???

Answering The Unanswerable; 8 Philosophical Questions Get Their Asses Kicked In The Teeth!

I found this article on i09, and it got me thinking. Or, at least it got me thinking about something other than Kat Denning’s luscious titties, if only momentarily.

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Pictured: Possible proof of God.

I’m bored, and up past my bedtime, so I’ve decided to try and answer these so-called “unanswerable” philosophical questions. I thought it was actually pretty easy, but I’m really smart and junk. Irregardless, check out how smartastic I am!

• Why is there something rather than nothing?
This is an easy one. Existence exists because it must. In fact, if everything was nothing, then nothing would become something by default. Dude! Did I just blow your fucking mind?! No? Oh. Well, then…moving on…

• Is our universe real?
Isn’t this basically the same question? If the universe is fake, then everything would actually be nothing? Perhaps this would make more sense if I was totally baked?

• Do we have free will?
Do I have to answer that?

• Is there a God?

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Only if you think there is.

• Is there life after death?
Only dead people know the answer to this one, and they ain’t talkin’.

All bullshit aside, I have a theory about this. Hear me out. I believe that when you die, your mind’s final thought is your afterlife, and to you, it seems like an eternity. Why not? It makes more sense than most other crapola theories I’ve heard about this! Allow me to elaborate;

Have you ever had a dream that seemed to take longer than it really did? For example, let’s say you fall asleep at midnight. You proceed to have a really vivid dream where you and the redhead from “That 70’s Show” fly naked through a seemingly endless series of technicolor vaginas, battling sentient chess pieces with laser dildos.

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Or, you know, something to that effect.

You suddenly wake up right as Batman starts ejaculating on an Atari 5200 with your father’s face, and you look at the clock by your bed…

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1:30? But it seems like hours have passed!

That’s what I’m talking about. I think it’s possible that you simply dream an afterlife that feels like an eternity in your last seconds of life. And your subconsciously held religious beliefs dictate the quality of your great reward. Shit. I should start a religion! I’ll show Mitt Romney how to avoid paying taxes like a pro!

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"Taxes are for peasants!"

Besides, Heaven would have to be an intensely personal experience, wouldn’t it? As they say; one man’s Heaven is another man’s Hell. I’m sure all of those judgmental, book-burning, sanctimonious religious ratcunts think they’re going to Heaven. And it would stop being Heaven the moment they arrived.

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Aw, shit! There goes the neighborhood.

This theory would also explain near-death experiences. When those people describe doing stuff like floating over their body, and kickin’ it old school with their great-great grandfather and/or Soupy Sales, they’re just describing their mad death-dream.

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Bukaki!

Ultimately, it’s impossible to know what happens when you die until you do it. Anyone who tries to convince you that they somehow know otherwise is a charlatan and a manipulative liar! So remember, kids! Believe in agnosticism! No matter how contradictory and asinine that statement may seem!

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I really hope you don't become a ghost when you die! Judging by all of those ghost-tracking cable shows, that's an impotent and pathetic existence. And being a ghost would suck too! BOO!!

• Can you really experience anything objectively?
Sure! I do that every time I turn on the radio. Or whenever Mitt Romney speaks. Or when I watch a movie, or a TV show, or even a porno. Besides, what’s the alternative? And how can you objectively observe objectivity, anyway? This isn’t so much a philosophical question than it is a stupid one.

• What is the best moral system?
What, you mean, like, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you” and all that? Hmmm… I’ve got an even more ideal idea! How about;
“Ass, gas, or grass… No one rides for free!”
Or maybe;
“With great power, comes great responsibility!”
Or;
“Tobacco is whacko (if you’re a teen)!”
I’ve got more! Morality lightning round: GO!
“Hit it and quit it!”
“If at first you don’t succeed, masturbate!”
“It’s a choice, not a child (yet)!”
“Always ask permission before you ejaculate in someone’s hair!”
“You can prick your finger, but don’t finger your prick!”
“Stop fucking with your iPhone when I’m talking to you, goddamnit!”
“Eat shit and bark at the moon!”
“Never mix Lucky Charms and ranch dressing!”

…sorry. I got carried away. Yeah, “Do unto others…” works. I imagine I’ll go to Heaven that way. Get it? I ‘imagine’ I’ll go…? *rim-shot*

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• What are numbers?
I don’t have any scientific research to back this up, but I’ll go out on a limb and guess that numbers were most likely invented to count stuff. Numbers are just a human invention. A brilliant invention, but an invention none the less. You’ve gotta be able to count stuff like time, in order to monitor your own decay. That’s why they will never invent a time machine. There’s really no such thing as time. We made that up too. It’s not an observable, natural phenomenon. Like gravity, or electricity, or morning wood. You can’t control what does not exist. But we can dream…

What do you think, dear reader? If you leave a comment, I personally guarantee* you will go to Heaven!

*Offer void to residents of Utah, Texas, and Gotham City. Winner must pass credit check before a lease is offered. Must be 18 or over. When in Heaven, don't pester Elvis.

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Now where was I? Oh...yeah... Seriously. Google "Kat Dennings nude". Spectacular!

The Top 5 Faith No More Karoke Bombs!!

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The Top 5 Faith No More Karaoke Bombs!

Faith No More songs are very hard to sing. Correction. Faith No More songs are very hard to sing in a karaoke bar without looking like a goddamned jackass. I’ll admit to occasionally singing karaoke and looking doofy. It’s kinda fun to get liquored-up, stand in front of a room full of drunken strangers, and attempt to sing. I get that part. I’m just bewildered by people who film themselves acting the fool, post it on the net, and pretend like it’s something worth looking at.

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It never is…

So lets all don our best Casey Kasem impressions, and countdown the Top 5 Faith No More karaoke bombs! Coming in at number five…

•5• “Mark Bowen” as performed by Mark F

Karaoke bars piss me off for two reasons. One, people sing karaoke in them. That’s a real bummer. And B, they never seem to have the kind of songs I like to sing. Probably because karaoke bar DJs hate it when people just yell into the mic like a loon, and that’s pretty much what I like to listen to. No worries, right? Just sing something from the book, you say? Well, fuck you logic and accepted social mores! This guy’s went and beat ‘the man’ by bringing in his record from home, and simply bleating over the existing vocal track! That’s not karaoke, that’s just some asshole yelling over a record I like. Come on, man! It’s so lame that you brought your own CD to a karaoke bar, dude. Would you bring your own food to a restaurant? Would you bring your own herpes to your mother’s house? No, you wouldn’t. Why not just play your CD and shut the Hell up? No one in that dive knows this song but you. Why do you want everyone to hate it?

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Pictured: Not you.

“Mark Bowen” isn’t the hardest song to sing. I sound just great singing it in my car. However, in your car, no one can hear you scream. If only that were true here. This guy makes Chuck Mosley sound like Jonathan Davis. People attempting to perform hard rock songs at a karaoke bar depresses me so much. It’s one thing to get drunk and warble whatever top-40 bullshit you half-know the words to. This is another, even sadder thing entirely.

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you will never be this fuckin' cool.

•4• “Zombie Eaters” as performed by Mark:The Karaoke God!

FNM fans love it when Mike Patton gets excited and ad-libs some crazy shit during a performance! The rest of the band rarely improvises, so the whole reason to collect FNM bootlegs is because Patton never sings a song the same way twice. Which brings me to the highlight of this performance. It happens when the song goes from light to heavy. Our hero seems to be trying to mimic the Phoenix Festival 93′ performance and, like Mike Patton does in that performance, he goes for the big heavy metal growl and scream combo platter. He instead sounds like he’s trying really hard to vomit and defecate simultaneously. Try it.

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I once heard a rumor that Patton actually did that on stage! Perhaps he's doing it right here?

Some dude comes into frame at that moment, seemingly to check if he’s OK. Unfortunately, he is. His vocal chords are completely fucked, of course, so his voice strains and cracks in hilarious ways throughout the rest of the song. (“…and I’ll get mad for a-*whiLE*! Hahahaha!) I must ask again. Why is this on the Internet? Who is this for? You DO know that when you post a YouTube video, anyone can see it, right? Not just your mommy, or your boyfriend, or that dude in the dress. No, even dickheads like me can find it, mock it, and tell you that you suck. Oh, by the way; YOU SUCK!

•3• “The Gentle Art Of Making Enemies” as performed by Mark F

Oh boy…Our buddy Mark F. Is back! I know this might be hard to tell from his song selections, but this dude is hard core! He’s got, like, over a dozen YouTube videos just of him doing Faith No More songs. It’s difficult to pick the shittiest performance, and I refuse to watch them all. So, this one sucks hard enough for the number three slot!

Hot shit, Mark! You are so rock and roll! You’re just such a head-banging, fist-pumping, crowd enraging douche! Goddamnit! Stop going around and giving us FNM fans a bad name! And that’s coming from the guy who just called a complete stranger a ‘douche’!

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Fucking Boooooooooo!!

Think Im being too hard on the guy? Get this; The video ends with this guy walking, in frame, up to the camera, and turing it off. He filmed himself and posted it! On purpose! See? I was right. Douche.

•2• “Falling To Pieces” as performed by Womble.


Rock n' Roll Caveman!

Coming in at a close number two is this big, hairy, foreign fellow. Clearly, English is not this guy’s first language. So, let’s all have a laugh at that! Hahahaha! Ahhh! That felt so good! We’re just so superior, ain’t we? I suppose it would be racist if I made fun of whatever bullshit country he’s from, and I don’t really give a rat’s staff where the fuck he’s from. Unless it’s Mars. Then I’d be interested. Instead, my question is this; Why spend money on professional recording equipment when you know you have no talent? He filmed this, so I’m sure he’s watched it, so he must know it sucks. Right? He just hasta know that he looks and sounds like a tone-deaf caveman! He looks like he would be the smelly one on the bus that no one wants to sit by. Or if Sasquatch killed a FNM fan and stole his Walkman twenty years ago.

Actually, he kinda looks like this guy…

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And Mike Patton still kicks your ass;

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Also, he’s at home alone! He’s not even drunk (probably) at a karaoke bar!
This is something he probably practiced forever, learning the lyrics phonetically, and seriously earning this semi-public shaming.

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Dude! You should, totally, like, bring your own CD to the karaoke bar and then... Wait, what am I saying? Just stop, Womble!

•1• “Get Out!” as performed by Mark F

Coming in at number one, It’s Mark F again, ruining yet another great song! People of Earth; Please stop doing screaming rock songs at karaoke! It’s only cool when done by professionals. You, sir, look like a dick. A big, dumb, hairy dick. Why are you doing this, Mark? Why are you posting your failure on the Internet? Is this an audition reel for some new reality show about losers who can’t sing? Are you so deluded that you think ANYONE would EVER want to see this for ANY reason other than to MOCK it? Wait, I just imagined how it would be if William Hung covered “Epic”! Oh, man…DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME, MARK F.?!?!?!

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"Uoooowaaaaatit'tallbuh-choocenhabip!"

I’m sorry. Look, I’m a FNM fan too, and when someone puts a gun to my head, I’ll sing “Easy” or something I can stomach from Top40 radio. Have the couth to do the same, is all i’m saying. So, let’s review our lessons for the day.

Remember, kids…
• DO NOT Bring your own CDs to a karaoke bar! Just pick something from the book! Don’t be a total Mark F.-Bag!
• DO NOT Irritate all within earshot with attempted metal grunts and hard rockin’ screaming! You will look and sound like an idiot, and your audience will wish you dead!
• DO NOT Sing Faith No More songs in a karaoke bar! And if you must, for the love of “Angel Dust” DO NOT POST THAT SHITTY SHIT ON THE INTERNET!!

The prize for completing this lesson are these beautiful Mike Patton pictures I pilfered from the interwebs. But you only get to look at them if you watched every video in it’s entirety! Don’t cheat.

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The epitome of 'fucking cool'

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I'm not a queer or anythin'...but I'd totally go down on this man in tribute!

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...no, like, if he really wanted me to, I guess I'd do it...

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...and Puffy talks some sense into me!

If you enjoyed this article, and I can’t imagine you have, please to enjoy other happy fun time Faith No More writings!

“Why Faith No More Flopped In The States”
“Faith No More: The Comic Book – Reviewed

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4 Reasons Faith No More Flopped In The States (The Director’s Cut!)

About a month ago, the kind people at the Faith No More blog asked me to write up a dissertation about FNM’s impact on the States (or lack thereof). It was a huge honor, and I hope to contribute more boring essays in the future. However, since they’re actually officially connected with the band, they had to change a few things around. Mostly, they almost completely deleted the section about Mr. Dean Menta in the “Pick A Guitar Player, Please!” section. The world must know how much I dislike Dean Menta as a guitarist! So now I present to you the “Director’s Cut” of my Faith No More article! Please try your best to enjoy!

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4 Reasons Faith No More flopped in the States (in one American fan’s opinion).

According to the Mayan calendar, the Earth will die, screaming, before Faith No More is due to play another show in the United States of America. Being an American of average-at-best income, I find this most disconcerting. Not because I’m secretly a Mayan. No, I really wanted to see those guys before they suddenly break up for good! I mean, would anyone be surprised if they announced such a thing, like, an hour from now? I can’t afford a trip to Europe! I honestly think I’ll never get the chance to see my favorite band again. What the Hell?! Why the Hell?!

Looking back at history, It’s obvious there’s a “thing” between FNM and the USA. Being an American of average-at-best intelligence, as well as being probably the biggest FNM fan in my zip code, I’ve devoted (too) much time and brain power to the issue of FNM’s struggle on the American pop scene. When you break it down with the aide of hindsight, you can see an obvious series of career steps that, to an American fan living through the time, seemed to alienate all my music loving American friends. As part of my master’s thesis for the Faith No More Spiritual and Theological Center, here’s the top 4 reasons I think Armageddon is more likely than a FNM concert in Seattle or St. Louis.

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4• Mike Patton’s voice changes.

First, I want to address something that I feel isn’t talked about enough, and I wish someone would ask Mike Patton about specifically. Sometime between “The Real Thing” and “Angel Dust” Patton emerged from a cocoon or something as Mike Patton two-point-oh! After jamming with John Zorn, and completing the first Mr. Bungle album, Patton evolved from a bratty white-boy rapper with a pinched, nasally punk attitude…into the man with the voice we all know and love. It’s almost as if FNM had three singers. Check out this video of Mr. Bungle live on April 20th, 1992. Right before “Angel Dust” was released (on June 8th). You can hear his transformation in action.

If you pay close attention, you can hear Patton consciously choose to sing in a register and voice that’s much different from the “bratty” voice he used on the official recorded versions. Controlling the tone of his voice, he purposely sings the old songs in a new way. Though sometimes he dips back into his old voice. I find it fascinating. Especially during “Squeeze Me Macaroni” which has been almost completely rearranged in order to avoid the trappings of Patton’s old vocal approach. By the way, you should watch this whole show if you haven’t already. Its one of Bungle’s finest!

Ok, so why the change? Besides the obvious? I know that he was growing as a singer and an artist and all that crap blah blah blah. However, according to the American music press’ tart, bitter brand of glossolalias, I’ve always heard about another, dumber rumor for reason. I think it’s pretty obvious, but it’s awkward to address. I’ll just say it; Anthony Kiedis. There was, and might still be, a feud between the two of them. Though nowadays, it seems to be just Kiedis holding a grudge. According to anthonykiedis.net (the 100% UNofficial fan site dedicated to Anthony Kiedis!) the earliest sign of trouble came right when “Epic” hit it big.

“I watched [their] “Epic” video, and I see him jumping up and down, rapping, and it looked like I was looking in a mirror.” Anthony Kiedis
{‘Red Hot Chili Peppers By The Way The Biography’ by Dave Thompson (page 163)}

At the time, FNM was bigger than the Chili Peppers in Europe, apparently, and Kiedis was worried European audiences would think that HE was “the imitator”. My two cents; Puh-leeze! I remember this “controversy” when it was still fresh. The Chili Peppers have pretty much always been way more popular than FNM here in the States, and it reminded me of another similar situation, only in the world of stand-up comedy.

I’m sure that you, dear reader, have heard of Dennis Leary. He’s a big-time famous comedian and actor guy. When he was first coming up as a stand-up comedian in the late 80s/early 90s, he was accused of stealing material from another comedian named Bill Hicks. If one was to objectively investigate the specific allegations (as I have attempted), you would see that while both have material that touch on similar themes, there is no actual joke thievery. Leary and Hicks both enjoyed jokes about taking a lot of drugs, jokes about smoking a lot of cigarettes, and jokes about how funny it was the way Jim Fix died. I think a similar point could be made about the Kiedis/Patton feud bullshit. Anthony Kiedis did not invent anything, and he certainly wasn’t the first skinny white guy with long hair to rap over rock in tight pants. I remember the general consensus amongst my friends being that in this fight, Kiedis looked like a big pussy. But to be fair, anytime a rock star complains about anything at all, they look like big pussies. The human race agrees on this; if you are blessed with the life of a rock star, your license to bitch is revoked. In fact the more you bitch, the more satisfying your inevitable come-uppance will be to the general public. Check any tabloid for proof of concept.

(And I actually like the Chili Peppers. Up to “BloodSugarSexMagic”. Then, not so much. At least FNM isn’t still excreting sub-par throw-back records every 3-5 years. Oh, and Flea is WAY overrated! But I digress. Anyway…)

3• The singles released for “Angel Dust” confounds America!

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There’s no question about Faith No More’s popularity in America during “The Real Thing’s” heyday. Having never been abroad, (except for the occasional illicit holliday to Tijuana) I don’t know what it’s like when y’all’s local rock radio station falls in love with a particular tune. But in the greater Los Angeles area in 1991, you heard “Epic” approximately twice every five minutes. If that seems mathematically impossible, just keep in mind how fast pop culture eats itself in America. Guitar music was king in the post-ironic 1990s, and bands like Faith No More encouraged the alt-rock scene to swallow it’s own tail at an even faster rate. I’m sorry. It just seemed like an exciting time for rock music! If we only knew…if we only knew…

“Angel Dust’s” first single; “Midlife Crisis” stymied metal-heads who were looking for a sequel to “Epic” and, of course, this was not accidental. Not only that, but “Nevermind” happened between FNM records, so anything other than an Epic- sequel would be viewed as a risky career move by the American music press. Then came “A Small Victory” which was largely ignored. In a world where Pearl Jam, Nirvana, and Stone Temple Pilots were MTV’s chosen ones, there was no room on American rock radio for such an amazingly unique, challenging, keyboard-heavy song.
Anecdotical evidence; 105.5 KNAC, L.A.’s premier hard rock radio station (up until 1994, when it turned into an all Spanish station) refused to play it when I requested it! I remember calling in to the station;
ME: Hey, dude! (it was 1993) It would be rad if you played “A Small Victory” by Faith No More! I love that song!
RADIO DUDE: Yeah, I’ll play some Faith No More…
1 HOUR LATER: “Epic” is played as per my “request”. Bastards!

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2• What album is “Easy” from, again?

“Angel Dust” is a masterpiece from start to finish. So why was “Easy” treated like the album’s red-headed stepchild? If you were not aware, the American version of “AD” ends after “Midnight Cowboy” and the import just has it tacked on at the end (and good luck finding THAT in an American record shop). This wouldn’t have been a big deal, except that “Easy” turned out to be one of the band’s biggest hits! Where was an American fan supposed to find this song in 1993?

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Well, in America, we got the “Songs To Make Love To EP” which is, by far, the weakest release in the band’s history. You get four songs;
Easy – Das Sutchenfest – Let’s Lynch The Landlord – Midnight Cowboy
What a rip-off! Track 1 should have already been on the album, track 4 IS on the album, and tracks 2 and 3 are complete B-Side throwaway garbage! It’s not like there wasn’t other good songs still unreleased at the time. Especially in America! They could have included “As The Worm Turns 92′” or “The World Is Yours” or at least some live stuff, and actually give American fans some bang for their buck. Way to burn the base, guys!

1• Pick a guitar player, please!

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While listening to a live recording from the KFAD era, two thoughts occurred to me. Number one; boy, Dean Menta wasn’t very good. And B; I’m always taken aback by how poorly that record was received here in the US! While “King…” has sold over 1.5 million copies worldwide, the keyword there is “worldwide”. For some reason, America turned their noses up at one of the finest records of the nineties. How come? After careful consideration, the only reason I can think of is the lack of a true replacement for Jim Martin.

I am the proud owner of a 1995 Faith No More calendar. It’s pretty much just a poster book, and it’s pretty sweet. One thing, though. Half of the pictures are of just Jim Martin. I’ll spell it out; Jim was not in the band in 1995! But such was the image of Faith No More in the US.
You have to admit, Martin had an iconic look. And Warner Bros. did a fine job of presenting him as the crunchy-metallic voice of sanity in FNM’s crazy world of new wave and rap-rock. That was great for awhile, but then 1991 ended.

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Trey Spruance could have been the band’s savior if he would have stuck it out. American audiences would have loved him! 1995, ’tis the season of Grunge, and Spruance was the almost too perfect replacement for Big Sick Ugly Jim. Image-wise, Trey’s style, look, and manic stage presence would have, in my opinion, been an improvement over Jim Martin’s stand-there-and-smoke-while-wearing-two-pairs-of-glasses shtick, which In 95′ would’ve been so three years ago. Plus, the guitar parts themselves were much more intricate. More thoughtful, pop-ironic, post-punk, and freed from the shackles of the dreaded ‘heavy metal’ shred label. Basically, Jim Martin could and would never play something like what Trey wrote and played in “Evidence” or “Star A.D.”.

But then the record came out without even a picture of ‘whoever’ was playing guitar! I believe the American audience felt cheated in some way. I know I did. I think this, along with weak media attention, and the band’s typical cooly-detached mystique, combined to form the monster that killed the record in it’s crib.

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As for Dean Menta…I’ll try not to beat up on poor Dean too much… But then again, what are the odds he’ll actually read this? I feel that Faith No More fans took an immediate dislike to Dean because he looked too much like what he was: a lucky roadie. He performed like one, too. While pro-shot footage from the “Angel Dust” tour are as rare as a svelte Texan, I have seen several professional live videos from the Dean era, usually featuring Dean fucking up. Here’s one of my favorite Dean Menta fuck ups:

I’ve never been to Chile, but I know that since it’s in South America, it’s probably hotter than a Devil’s fart. So it must have been a sorry attempt at fashion when Dean Menta came out to perform in Santiago, Chile wearing a hoodie-style sweat jacket. Four songs in, and drenched in flop sweat, as well as regular sweat, Dean decides to remove his jacket IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FRIGGING SONG!! Right after the first chorus of “What A Day” Dean uses the brief four measures of guitar noise before the final verse to attempt the great mid-song jacket-escape! Let’s break it down;

He has about seven seconds to first remove his guitar, then quickly remove his wet, sweaty jacket, and then replace his guitar and rejoin the song in time for the regular guitar riff of the verse. It actually might have been cool if he had pulled it off. He doesn’t, of course. He gets the jacket about half way off when he seems to suddenly realize what a bad idea this was, and there’s no way he’s gonna make it in time. Rather than just accomplish his original goal of removing his goddamn jacket before he dies of heat stroke, and rejoining the song when he’s good and ready, he panics and gets his jacket stuck in his guitar strap. After a short, losing struggle with his crafty coat, he flails and steps on his tangled jacket, which tweaks his chord, and completely unplugs the guitar mid-verse. It’s amateurish and embarrassing. It looks like some half-assed try-out for a Faith No More tribute band, and this guy is not getting the part. To sum up, Dean was a sad, sorry replacement for either Martin or Spruance, and America seems to have rejected this period of the band’s history almost entirely.

So much for not beating up on Dean. Maybe I’m being too hard on him. Then again, I own a copy of his ‘other’ band’s record. The band was called Duh, and the record is called “The Unholy Handjob”. Guess what? It blows.

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When Jon Hudson joined the band, and they came out with “Album Of The Year” I suddenly saw Faith No More on MTV again. “Ashes To Ashes” entered heavy rotation on my local FM rock station, and they were on their way to becoming relevant in American pop music again. Perhaps it was obvious even then than Jon Hudson was the right guitarist for the band? I like to think so, but I’m a big Jon Hudson fan, so I might be a bit biased.

All the pieces were in place in the US, and the American music press was calling “AOTY” a “comeback” and, more importantly, a success! All that was needed now was some big, high profile American touring. However, FNM never seemed interested in a big American tour. They stuck to mid-sized venues, and only hit the rounds once. Since the reunion, they’ve only played a handful of shows on American soil. I guess they’re still angry with us that we didn’t buy very many of their records after 1994. But after getting burned by the “Songs To Make Love To EP” and getting tricked into paying actual cash money to see Dean Menta perform, you can’t be too angry with us.

While I strongly feel that America is ready for Faith No More’s glorious return, something still bugs me. Awhile back, VH1 Classic’s “That Metal Show” was covering the 2009 download festival. During the special, they featured a couple of FNM tunes (I remember “Land Of Sunshine” and “Introduce Yourself” airing, if you were curious). But during one of the show’s many inane conversations, the hosts were comparing multiple bands in some arbitrary and asinine way like a bunch of baked high school sophomores. Someone, I believe it was Eddie Trunk himself, remarked that Faith No More was lacking that night, and that it just “wasn’t the same without Jim Martin”. This is the type of American music press ignorance that has to stop!

I’ll end this editorial rant on top of a soap box; Gentlemen! Kind sirs! In my humble opinion, Faith No More must stop looking for the US to reach out to them! They need to school fools like Eddie Trunk on the greatness of Jon Hudson! America deserves to know that Faith No More are better now than they’ve ever been! Stand up and demand our attention! Tour the United States! Thank you. I now return you to your regularly scheduled Internet.

Originally published on the Faith No More Blog; July 25th, 2012

Fun Facts About Paul Ryan

Paul Ryan Fun Facts!

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HEY KIDS!
By now, I’m sure you’ve heard that Mitt Romney has picked Paul Ryan to be his lovely wedded vice presidential candidate. This is very exciting news for fans of Rage Against The Machine, hillbilly hand fishing, and schadenfreude! But just how much do you know about our new favorite shithead? After literally minutes of painstaking research, I’ve discovered 6 fascinating facts about this cocksucker, and I’ll be presenting them in a misleading and disingenuous fashion (not unlike the way a Republician might). And I will share them with you right…about…

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...wait for it...

NOW!!!

• He was born into wealth.

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Paul Ryan was born on February 31st, 197X to father Nolan, and mother Zorkan The Executioner. The day he was born, the doctors diagnosed him with the rare disability known as “Microphallus” and declared him “legally ugly”. Both of which helped spark and fuel his career as a Republican asshole.

But did you know that while still just a mere changeling, Paul Ryan once served his country? In fact, while serving, his superiors thought so highly of him and his cadaverous, eye-baggy appearance, that they selected him to pilot a top secret war machine!

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...Oh, and by "served his country" and "war machine" we mean "worked for Oscar Meyer" and "Weinermobile" respectively.

Indeed, as a wee college student, Ryan held numerous bullshit jobs, including a stint as, and I’m not making this up; a Wienermobile driver! I may have to look it up again, but if having the world’s biggest weenie drive the world’s biggest wiener around in order to pay for further weenie training isn’t the very definition of irony, then the fact that it’s not, is, in and of itself!

• He’s a big fitness douche.

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"God, I love that man!"

Ryan came home one day and found his father dead of a heart attack. Don’t laugh. He was only 16. Paul, that is. Not his dad. His dad was, like, 50 or something. Whatever. Who cares? Anyway, Ryan’s father, grandfather and great-grandfather all died of heart disease in their 50s. Apparently, being the spawn of maggots and lies is bad for your heart.

So, of course, Ryan grossly overcompensates for this by being a big pain-in-the-ass exercise tosser. He even runs a daily P90X class for unlucky staffers at the congressional gym. Paul Ryan himself is such a big jock rash, that Lotrimin dissolves his very flesh.

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Hahahahahahaha! Fags!

He was even voted biggest “gym rat” by an anonymous “Washingtonian Magazine” poll of congressional staffers with too much idle time at the office. And everyone knows what a pleasure it is to deal with some gym hard-on who not only won’t shut the fuck up about his faggoty regimen, (like, who could possibly give a fucking fuck?) But he also pushes his way of life onto other disinterested people. How Republican of him. I’m sure he’s very popular around the office.

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Wait...Was that sarcasm? Yes, I believe it was.

Ryan claims his mortality has somehow limited his ambitions. Perhaps he hopes that if he’s elected VP, Dick Cheney will see fit to share his collection of robot hearts, and cardiologists with robot hearts.

• He’s just your average Jo(k)e!
A quote from TIME in 2010;
“Half the reason I’m not in leadership is because I don’t want to spend my weekends flying around the country campaigning and raising money. I want to spend my weekends at home with my little ones. The other half of the reason: I like policy over politics.”
Of course you do with policies like yours, you clown! By “politics” he’s referring to having to actually talk to people who don’t already agree with him like your typical republican ditto-head. Most sane people would absolutely detest Ryan’s Budget Plan if most sane people knew what it contained. I suppose word will spread, but let me help you beat the Christmas rush to start hating this asshole. When it comes to health care, he wants everyone under the age of 55 to suck his tiny, tiny cock.

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Really...it's, like, this big...

So what if you’re 50 and you’ve been paying into it for your entire life? Tough titties, grandma! Medicare is too expensive to keep around. Just like you!

• He feeds the hungry…

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…voters for voting for his pal Mitt, committing voter fraud!
AKA; “Sub-Gate”

Am I the only one who remembers this? During the primaries, Romney and Ryan handed out fucking sandwiches to the sheeple who came out and rocked the Republican vote! It turns out that giving voters anything valued over one dollar as an incentive to vote is ILLEGAL! Like, “disqualified” illegal!
I hope those were really good sandwiches! I hope they were really REALLY good fuckin’ sandwiches! Piled high with luncheon loaf made from pressing the flesh of the poor into a “loaf”, sliced thin and slathered with Koch cum, and wrapped in 24karrat gold leaf paper (the same kind used as TP in the Romney household).
All bullshit aside, this was real actual voter fraud! Someone should press charges! Who’s job would that be? Why, it would be the job of Waukesha County, Wisconsin District Attorney Brad D. Schimel (R). Why, is that a Capitol “R” I see after his name? Well, then I’m SURE justice will be served! And by “justice” I mean “sandwiches”.

• He hates a big, spendy government…
…unless it’s a Republican one! Then it’s awesome!

Goddamn those “tax & spend” liberals with their “help the disadvantaged” bullshit! What about me? I’m white and male! Wheres MY free government stuff?! What do ya mean I’m at an advantage over minorities simply by being born white and male?! That’s fuckin’ bullshit, man! I should be a racist! How hard can that be? Do I need to practice being racist? Perhaps… Let’s see… Obama is so black…how black is he? Uh…he’s so black, the cops beat his shadow! Naw, that sucks. How about; He’s so black, that his fried chicken and watermelon smokes crack and collects welfare! Shit…I’m not very good at being racist. Maybe I’m trying too hard. I need to call Ron Paul. If ANYONE knows how to be a huge racist asshole, it’s Ron Paul.

While I practice racism, I feel the need to point out that Paul Ryan’s reputation for being some kind of watchdog for government spending is a hoax and a sham. He’s just like every Repub we’ve seen over the last decade. Oh, he pretends to be a budget hawk. And the lame-stream media of Fux News will back him up. But look at this fucker’s record. It would seem he only pretends to give a shit when it’s a Democrat’s idea. He voted for all of the shit Dubya asked for. He went for TARP, the Auto bailout, and the Big Bank Bailout. That stuff was all a-ok! But Medicare? Or anything else that would benefit the poor? Fuuuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkk YOU!
Paul Ryan was born into wealth. The only private sector job he’s ever had was the family business of grinding homeless children into monocles. He’s never worked a day in his fucking life. Remember that in November.

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"I'm an asshole!"

•He’s just a regular guy…
…in that he’s a complete douchebag with lousy taste in pop culture!

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Various media outlets report that Paul Ryan is a fan of Rage Against The Machine and is a “hunting-obsessed gym rat” who enjoys the activity of ‘hillbilly hand fishing’

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"Hi! I'm Paul Ryan, and this is my friend 'Medicare'!"

Well, of course he’s a big animal murderer (aka hunter). Why, he killed himself a bear when he was only three! That’s just how REAL men lose their virginity. He’s even teaching his 9 year old daughter how to bow-hunt deer! Wow. Until I read that, I used to think the worst thing you could teach your nine year old daughter to do was to cup the balls during fellatio. Boy, is my face red!
Plus, he enjoys the sport of “hand fishing” which I hope we actually get to see him do at some point in the campaign. I’m sorry, but I have zero respect for someone with a billion dollars in the bank who can’t think of anything better to do than murder animals for the fuck of it. Between the two of them, Ryan and Romney have enough dough to finally get “The Running Man” made into a real show, fulfilling the prophesy. If they can afford to play the most dangerous game, and they can, then they’d better put that shit on TV!

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No, seriously. Fuck this guy!