Gene Simmons Is A Rancid Douche

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Want to know one of my deepest, darkest secrets?

I like KISS.

No, not the candy-assed post-makeup KISS! I’m talking the original line up with Ace and the Cat guy, what’s it… Trevor I think it was, may he rest in peace. I was born a little late to enjoy their heyday, but I caught a reunion show. It was a lot of fun, and I feel like I have a better understanding of what it might have been like in the 70s. Only the 70s version of the band’s crass commercialism must seem quaint by today’s standards.

And I’m convinced it’s almost entirely Gene Simmons’ fault.

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Gene Simmons will seemingly do anything for a buck. He has no moral compass, no sense of artistic integrity, and worst of all, he’s a shitty bass player. He’s the second-worst musician in a band where that’s no small feat.

None of that is news. Even Gene knows this. People have said this to his face-like-thing and he always retorts with something about how much money he has. In YOUR face-like-thing, losers! As if that somehow refutes the point.

The point was, is, and always will be: Gene Simmons is a whore.

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…AND he’s hiring!

He’s teamed up with a new marketing firm, and together they’ve hatched a bold, brilliant new idea: Having no idea! They’re instead going to “crowdsource” it on Twitter and the like. Or in other words: “Fuck it! Throw it to the idiots!”

Here’s how The Hollywood Reporter…um, reported it:

“‘The Kiss frontman is asking content creators and fans how the band should celebrate “in the most epic way possible.”‘

Oh boy. I’ve always wanted a job in marketing. It’s in my all-time top three most wanted jobs! Right above “Dog Food Ingredient” and below “Pussy Inspector”. And I already have a T-shirt that says “Dog Food Ingredient”.

“‘Gene Simmons is looking for help celebrating the 40th anniversary of Kiss.”‘

Might I suggest you celebrate with a self-inflicted shotgun blast to your hideous, surgically-deformed face, you fucking whore?

“‘The rocker announced Wednesday night that Kiss is launching a campaign on Tongal — a company that pairs creatives and brands to crowdsource the pitch-and-development process — asking content creators and fans to submit their best ideas for “how Kiss should celebrate their 40th anniversary in the most epic way possible.”‘

This “rocker” (if I may use the term so loosely) is actually working (if I may use THAT term so loosely) with a marketing company to solicit ideas from his everyday, rump-de-dump, “who the fuck are they?” dip-shit fans! What? Is he too busy tounging Donald Trump’s finely bleached anus live on “Fox & Friends” to have any kind of social media presence? Or maybe he could, I don’t know, hire people who normally get paid for their ideas to come up with an idea other than “have random people do it”? Maybe I should tweet that idea to these empty suits?

“‘Typically, Tongal’s brand campaigns involve ideation and pitch processes before moving on to an execution stage where a commercial or campaign is produced. Past projects have included a Star Wars-inspired commercial for Pringles and a Speed Stick ad that aired during the 2013 Super Bowl.”‘

They even admit that, typically, marketeers at least try to come up with new ideas in order to earn their paycheck. Also typically, if you ever ask what random assholes on the internet want to see, the only suitable-for-broadcast idea in their top 100 will be “Star Wars”. What outside-the-box thinkers we have here.

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Or maybe he could go on that one piece of shit crime show with the NYPD Blue loser? WE NEED IDEAS HERE, PEOPLE!!

Hey, what if there was a commercial where Gene Simmons was being viciously sodomized by Darth Vader in the dining room of a Taco Bell? Then Darth could say “Gene…make a run…for the border…” and Gene would then drop to his knees and recieve a (tastefully shot) guacamole facial! Then you could put “God Of Thunder-ous Diarrhea” on the drink cups or some shit. How’s that idea? Did I win? Am I rich yet? I’m sure If Taco Bell believed that commercial would make you more likely to laugh in the face of dysintary and eat a Cheesy Gordita Crunchwrap Supreme, Gene would be totally willing to negotiate the price.

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To watch the full UNCENSORED version of this video, click HERE!!!

“‘But the Kiss project is part of a new service called Left Field, which allows brands to reach out to creators and fans through a 140-character social media call-to-action to help brainstorm ideas. “‘

Wow! What a great idea that you totally couldnt already do right now! Isn’t that right, Twitter account for Tide detergent?

‘”We’ve always been about the fans,” Simmons tells THR.”‘

Then, after an arresting fit of the giggles subsided, the “rocker” continued:

‘”Tongal allows our fans to throw out ideas, and you know you’re going to make something authentic.”‘

“Throw out” is exactly right. Mark my words: You will not be properly compensated. They later go on to say you might, but I’m calling bullshit. What if you tweet a really great idea to these clowns, they use it, and make a gajilillion dollars as a direct result? What would you get? A couple thousand bucks and the pride in knowing that you got as bent over and fucked as any of Paul Stanely’s STD-riddled groupies? Gee, thanks “rocker“. Glad I could be of fucking help.

“‘He adds that the crowdsourcing process at Tongal is not that different from the collaboration within a band.”‘

Is he saying he needs random yahoos from the internet to help write their next album or something? Because I would love to be proven wrong, and this whole idea can somehow actually become even sadder. Schadenfreudegasim!

‘”One person doesn’t play every instrument. You contribute where you’re skilled.”‘

“…and we obviously suck at marketing. Wait, no we don’t. It’s the music we suck at! What am I talking about? What the fuck am I doing?”

Oh, and one person can play every instrument.

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Just because you lack skills, Gene, dosen’t mean everyone else does. I know this might come as a shock to a self-important jackass such as yourself, but it turns out you’re not the greatest man in the history of ever. In fact, you rank somewhere between Sean Hannity and Ted Neugent, and that’s pretty fucking low.

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"...and coming up after the break, we'll hear Sebastian Bach's thoughts on the debt ceiling!"

“‘Simmons announced the campaign as part of his appearance at Tongal’s inaugural award show the Tongies, which was held April 2 at the El Rey Theatre. He handed out the award for best Best Original Song used in a campaign. Other awards included Best Broadcast Spot, Best Comedy, Best Idea and Video of the Year. “‘

Ooooh! Isn’t that exciting! I’m sure all the brightest stars of Tinsletown turned out for this gala event! As a big-time “rocker” you must meet lots of famous and interesting people. So tell me, “rocker“, is the Geico lizard as nice as he seems in real life? Did you tag-team Flo from the Progressive ads with Toucan Sam? Did you score any blow off of Speedy The Alka-Seltzer? Yeah, you suck.

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The guy makes Howard Stern look like Mark Twain.

This article does not say who won each of these catergories, and I fucking refuse to look it up, so let’s immediately date this blog post and make some predictions.

Best Original Song used in a campaign – “Pepto-Bismol Enema (Sha Na Na)” by Gene Simmons

Best Broadcast Spot – “Pringles Can Stuck On Dong” by Pringles

Best Comedy – “The Lego Movie” by Warner Bros.

Best Idea – “KISS” by Gene Simmons

Video of the Year – “2 Girls, 1 Cup, & A Gene Simmons” by 3 Sickening Prostitutes LLC.

“‘Creatives who participate in Tongal’s projects get paid if they submit winning ideas. This year, Tongal expects to pay more than $15 million to its community.”‘

Oh, is that what they “expect”? What horseshit. I ask again: what if the idea I submit makes your company millions of dollars? Do I hit the $15 million creativity jackpot? Would I even qualify as a “Creative” under contest rules? Would any actualy creative people ever participate in this fucking bullshit? And if a tree falls in the forrest, does Gene Simmons get a royality? The answer to all these questions is: “…maybe?

“‘Tongal co-founder and president James DeJulio says the Kiss campaign represents an opportunity for brands to use the platform to engage fans.”‘

Hey, do you know what else is a really good platform for reaching KISS fans? A literal fucking platform. You know, the kind that KISS can play on. They could set up all their gear, turn it up really loud, and reach thousands and thousands of people who just happen to already be KISS fans. It wouldn’t appear that they thought of that, though. Hey, maybe I should tweet that?!

‘”Like any great brand, Kiss’ fans have supported them and been a part of their lives forever,” he adds. “This campaign creates another deep connection with the band.”‘

Wait, I think there’s a typo in there. Either “brand” or “band” is inncorrect. It should be the same word both times, but I’m not sure which one. Probably “Brand”.

Fucking whore…

I’m not sure how I should end this piece. Hey, lets “crowdsource” it! What do YOU think? How should I end this post? Should I just end it by calling Gene Simmons a “fucking whore” again? Should I post a picture of Gene Simmons holding a crudely drawn dick to his mouth? Or should it just end abruptly, with no

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You were right again, Internet. You always are.

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Bill Cunningham Is A Racist

It’s been almost a year since I’ve blogged about anything. Sorry, but I’ve been out on a nine month hiking trip through the GumDrop Candy Forest. Well, it started out as a hiking trip. I went to one of Mr. Goodbar’s infamous gingerbread house parties and, long story short, I knocked up a Gummi Bear. Or so I thought. Nine months later, the kid came out half caramel.

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Slut!

If only I’d had the foresight and lack of self respect to call one of those daytime talk shows for one o’ dem lie detector tests to justify my self loathing!

Daytime talk shows are quite formulaic. Jerry Springer, Maury Povich, Steve Wilkos, Bill Cunningham, Trisha Goddard, and the soon to be cancelled Jeremy Kyle all have the same show. Fucked-up people go on TV and look like fucked-up people in order to make the home viewer feel better about themselves.

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Sure, your useless, unemployed ass is at home at 1pm watching TV, but at least you're not as fucked-up as these losers!

I enjoy these shows because, frankly, I enjoy the misery of others. Who doesn’t? However, there is one daytime show that’s way WAY worse than any of the others. No, not Dr. Oz. Great guess, though! Thanks for playing! No, I’m talking about…

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Bill Cunningham.

This hideous golem doesn’t just have a sub-par TV show where he talks down to black people. He also has a sub-par AM radio talk show where he talks down to everyone! On his radio show, he’s been heard to say stuff like:

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“…(Barack Obama’s) father was a typical black father who, right after the birth, left the baby. That’s what black fathers do. They simply leave.”

After careful consideration (aka: overthinking it), I am convinced that this man is such a racist bigot, he actually started a TV show to not only get ratings and make money like his daytime contemporaries, but to also back up his own disgustingly racist and bigoted views about black people! Kind of like a less subtle Pat Robertson.

And I’m saying he almost exclusively features only crazy, shouting black people on his show. Like, more than the average shit-ass talk show. Seriously. Flip channels and check once in awhile. They are almost always black, and they’re rarely not yelling.

If you enjoyed the above video, you’ll love this charming bit from his radio show. Back in 2003, a black man named Nathaniel Jones was beaten to death by Cincinnati cops. Jones was 400 pounds of angel dust-fueled insanity, and the cops just went whack-a-mole on his ass. Preliminary autopsy results (as reported by Fox News) showed that he may not have died from the severe beating, but from heart failure due to his girth and the ridiculous amount of PCP in his body. Too bad the whole thing was caught on video, and the black community got pissed off about it. The cops looked bad once again, and the whole thing was just sad. Not technically a “tragedy”, but still sad. Therefore I have no jokes about it. I just don’t see it as an especially humorous event. However, handsome media superstar Bill Cunningham thought it was the perfect subject to write a wacky song about! Everybody sing along!

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“The fat man ever after has a martyr’s place/ Let’s all ignore whatever drugs he had…His death was unrelated to his injuries but still we hear the people sing police brutality/ lies go on bro la la how the lies go on.”

Tee-fucking-hee. This is the same Bill Cunningham that now has a show featuring African-American guests that he and his producers help make look like Hustler magazine cartoons, and he scolds them about their personal family relationship problems. Being a guest on this bigot’s show would be like getting a blow job in a public men’s room through a hole in a “God Hates Fags” sign.

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This man is a racist.

Fox’s story about it:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/2003/12/01/man-death-in-fight-with-cincinnati-cops-probed/

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Fox News! We distort...You decry!

—–FOX NEWS ALERT!!—–

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SHOCKING NEWS! BILL CUNTINGHAM HATES OBAMA!

It would stand to reason that Bill would hate the president. Not only is Obama black (or black enough for Bill to hate) but apparently, if you have an AM talk radio show, it’s required by FCC regulations that you do nothing but talk shit on Obama. Media trail blazer Bill Cunningham never strays from the established tropes of the medium he’s working in. Got an AM radio talk show? That’s easy! Do the ol’ Limbaugh shtick! Got a daytime TV talk show? No problem! Do the ol’ Maury shtick! Bill Cunningham is so derivative and creatively bankrupt, Hollywood producers masturbate to his show transcripts.

Here’s a fun quote from The Bill Cunningham Radio Show where Bill accuses The President Of The United States Of America of wanting to “gas the Jews”.

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During the October 30 broadcast of his Cincinnati-based radio show, Bill Cunningham asked “Randy Furman,” a fictional Jewish character voiced by fellow WLW-AM host Scott Sloan: “Did you hear about this [Columbia University professor of Middle East studies Rashid] Khalidi tape where [Sen. Barack] Obama is toasting a guy who wants to gas and fry Jews? … This Obama guy loves the PLO [Palestinian Liberation Organization]. Can’t you figure that out?” Cunningham later added, “Jews for [Sen. John] McCain because Obama wants to gas the Jews, like the PLO wants to gas the Jews, like the Nazis gassed the Jews. You got Obama introducing Arab terrorists, and the L.A. Times won’t release the story.”

Holy shit! At least Glenn Beck was honest enough with his audience to say his kooky Nazi bullshit on both his radio and TV shows. Bill tries to fool his TV audience by disguising his bigotry within a simulacrum of the typical paint-by-numbers daytime format. The racism is definitely still there if you know to look for it. Now you do. You’re welcome.

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“I guess the L.A. Times still has that tape on Khalidi, and they don’t release it because it’s injurious to the interest of Obama. Can you imagine if the media had a tape of maybe John McCain at a Ku Klux Klan rally or at an abortion-clinic benefit and he’s standing there toasting the guy who bombed the abortion clinic, and the L.A. Times wouldn’t release it?”

Sure. I’d imagine the media coverage for a presidential candidate participating at a fucking Clan rally would be vastly different than the coverage of a senator toasting an American university professor. Probably because one of these things doesn’t involve anything particularly newsworthy, and the other one would involve celebrated war hero John McCain participating at a fucking KKK rally! It’s like comparing apples and date rape. Good eye, Bill. Nice job.

Oh, and notice how he played the KKK card? Have I mentioned that this man is a racist?

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This man is a racist.

If you need a non-racial/non-political reason to avoid this grotesque human hemorrhoid, try this:

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Cunningham’s WLW show (in Cincinnati) went on a brief hiatus in June 2010 due to a contract dispute. Soon after, WLW’s owner, Clear Channel, announced that he signed a long-term agreement to stay with the station. In released remarks commenting on his decision, Cunningham said, “Cincinnati is my home. The first air I breathed. The first milk I drank was from Cincinnati. Others may have come as carpetbaggers to loot the Queen City and then move on. Willie will remain true.”

Hey, at least he’s loyal! He’s proud to have been born in Cincinnati, Ohio (he said it was “the first air he breathed”) and he don’t take kindly to carpetbaggers trying to fuck with his home town!

Bill Cunningham was born in Covington, Kentucky

Oh, well, fuck that all to Hell! Never mind.

“Cunningham was one of four children and has described his father as an abusive alcoholic who left the family when Cunningham was 11.”

Gee, Bill. I didn’t know you were half black.

In all seriousness, that’s actually pretty sad. I wish I could help. If only…hey wait! I just got a great idea for the next episode of Bill’s TV show! Quickly! To the DeLorean! We need to give Bill’s dad a lie detector test!

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"Souls? Where we're going, we won't need...souls...

I Hate Ben Roethlisberger!!

DISCLAIMER – The following essay contains opinions about accusations that have NOT been proven in a court of law. But then, neither has gravity, nor how magnets work, or even the existence of God. But I digress. What I’m saying is that I know no more about the facts of these cases than your average Internet troll, and I’m not joking when I say I have absolutely no money, so please don’t bother suing me for slander and/or libel if applicable. Thank you.

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There he is. “Big” Ben Roethlisberger. What a foul, despicable, odious, slimy, loathsome, abhorrent, repugnant, abominable, dirty, contemptible, heinous, unscrupulous son of a bitch! I hope he goddamn DIES! He’s a thick-necked walking flank steak with a meat ball head shaped like a bell (or “meat-bell”). I’m saying he’s shaped like a snowman, and seems about as smart as one. Oh, and never forget, he’s probably a rapist. Could he actually be an active NFL quarterback who got away with rape? Well, if he is, *ahem*, I HOPE HE GODDAMN DIES!!

Big Ben Rapistberger (as he’s know in my house) is notorious for his extremely bad sportsmanship, but screw that. I couldn’t care less about the fact that he’s a little bitch on the field (even though he totally IS). I could never give enough of a shit about any of that garbage to write so many words about it. No, I hate him for all the fucked up shit he’s done off the field. I guess for some people, that kind of stuff doesn’t matter, as long as he wins games. But this opinion is only held by raging Steelers fans who are willfully blind to the black eye the whole organization wears due to Rapistberger’s presence.

Oh, and by the way, after watching him cough up last Sunday’s game against the Dallas CowGirls, I think a Steelers fan should start to wonder if having a brain-damaged rapist on the roster is really worth the accompanying social stigma. All joking aside, I just want to say this to any Steelers fans who may be reading: You have shit taste in football, and you should all be ashamed of yourselves for not shunning this fuckhead. Pick a different team, you jackass.

So without further ado… Some more ado; Here’s three big “Fuck You’s” to Big Ben Rapistberger and the Pittsburg Steelers:

Fuck You #1 – Get Your Motor Running…Head Out Into Windshields!

Get a load of this shit. This dweeb used to like to ride his rice burning Suzuki Hayabusa around scenic downtown Pittsburg… with NO HELMET! Holy 2011 Superbowl Loser, BatMan! Can you even imagine doing something THAT fucking stupid without the aid of alcohol or sweet, sweet bath salts? Is Ben Rapistberger so used to head injuries, that he’s now learned to just enjoy all the pretty stars and bells? There’s nothing but concrete around you, you big dumb asshole! What if you had to make a sudden stop? What if you had to lay the cycle down? What the fuck are you thinking? You could lose your amazingly awesome job as an NFL quarterback! What a big dumb asshole!

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Hey, you! What's with that pussy helmet, faggot?!

So, of course, one day (Monday, June 12, 2006, at 11:17 a.m. EDT to be exact) he helmetlessly smashes into oncoming traffic, flying over the handlebars of his mighty rapistcycle like a spam loaf from a sling shot. Luckily, the car’s windshield was there to cushion his concussion. Oh, and did I mention that the Suzuki Hayabusa is known to be one of the fastest motorcycles ever made? Don’t worry, though. I’m sure Big Ben wasn’t going over the speed limit. Since when has he ever exhibited a tendency towards poor decision making?

The paramedics arrived at the scene just in time to save his worthless life. I’m sure his alleged rape victims would agree with me when I say “Boy, we sure dodged a bullet there” sarcastically.

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After kissing the windshield, they sold his face leavin's as "food".

Fuck You #2 – RAPE # 1 -“No-Tell Hotel Hell”

Here’s why I really hate this ratcunt. Let me say again that all of the crap I’m about to bring up has never been proven in a court of law. But then again, neither has the female orgasm, nor that what Taco Bell serves is food, or that MTV is either music or television, or that Fox News is actually news…but, again, I digress. Anyhoo, here’s the story. The following is from Wikipedia, so you know it’s factually infallible.

“On July 17, 2009, a civil suit was filed in Washoe County, Nevada District Court accusing Roethlisberger of sexually assaulting Andrea McNulty, 31, in June 2008 in his hotel room while he was in Lake Tahoe for a celebrity golf tournament.”

Boy, that Don Juan Rapistberger sure has a way with the ladies! Check out the smooth move he uses on his victim…er, his… Hmmm…

No, on second thought, let’s go with ‘victim’:

“According to the woman, she was working as an executive casino host in July 2008, when she said Roethlisberger struck up a friendly conversation at her desk during the golf tournament.”

See what he’s doing here? He’s creating a bullshit facade by publicly trying to charm his victim in front of witnesses in order to establish a sort of “rape alibi” for when witnesses get questioned by the police later. That way they’ll say that she seemed to be comfortable and pleasant around him, since by that point she hadn’t been raped yet. Or, since she’s the hostess at the casino that was holding the golf tournament, they’ll say she even seemed overly friendly or even flirtatious, which is kinda part of her job. I call this premeditation. Ben calls it foreplay.

Let’s fast forward to when Big Ben Rapistberger creates the circumstance that lured the poor woman into his clutches. Buckle up.

“The next night she said Roethlisberger telephoned her to tell her that the television sound system in his room wasn’t working and asked her to look at it. The woman said she determined that the TV was functioning properly, but as she turned to leave he stood in front of the door and blocked her, then grabbed her and started to kiss her.”

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Gee, what a hopeless romantic, huh ladies? That short-dicked dog-fucker.

According to the lawsuit, the woman obtained hospital treatment after the alleged attack. But there wasn’t enough physical evidence for anything to stick. So I guess that’s the end of it. Or it would have been, if there hadn’t been a sequel.

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And this is what was used as lubricant!

Fuck You #3 – RAPE 2: THE SECRET OF HIS OOZE

I might give Rapistberger the benefit of the doubt if not for the second victim. One could be a misunderstanding. But this second one is so detestable and atrocious, it’s pretty hard to just dismiss or ignore it. The following (*sigh*) allegedly happened just ten months before that Superbowl that he went to and lost. Boy, it pisses me off to think that the Steelers didn’t just out n’ out fire his stupid ass merely because they couldn’t find someone else who could throw a fucking football as well on such short notice. If only there was a law against rape…

From Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia:

“On March 5, 2010, it was revealed that police in Milledgeville, Georgia were investigating Roethlisberger for a sexual assault inside the women’s restroom of the Capital City nightclub. The accuser, a then-20-year-old student at nearby Georgia College & State University, was seen at several establishments with Roethlisberger leading up to the incident, including posing for a photograph with him.”

There he goes again! Establishing his patented, unimpeachable Rape Alibi ™. Well it turns out, he didn’t need to, thanks to his bodyguards’ day jobs.

“Roethlisberger spoke with police the night of the incident and stated that he did have contact with the woman that was not “consummated” and afterward the accuser slipped and injured her head.”

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"Oh, yeah, by the way, officer. My alleged date-rape victim had a little 'accident' when I smashed her head into the filthy, scuzzy nightclub bathroom sink while I was (allegedly) raping her. Er, I mean, she slipped. Oopsie!"

“In interviews with the police on the night of the incident, the woman alleged that Roethlisberger, after inviting her and her friends to the V.I.P. area of the nightclub, encouraged them to do numerous shots of alcohol before Anthony Barravecchio — an off-duty Coraopolis, Pennsylvania policeman, undercover DEA narcotics officer at Pittsburgh International Airport, and one of Roethlisberger’s bodyguards — stated he led her down a hallway to a stool and left. Witnesses, however, stated that Barravecchio “placed his hand” on the accuser’s shoulder and applied “a little bit of pressure to guide her” into the restroom where she claims the assault took place, something Barravecchio’s lawyer denies.”

So an off-duty cop was the accomplice? Oh, I mean, *allegedly* the accomplice? Wow. Holy fuck, WOW! What huge, adamantium-plated balls on this cop! I certainly hope that the REAL police will come to this poor woman’s aid…

“After Barravecchio’s claimed departure, Roethlisberger allegedly approached, exposed himself, and despite the woman’s protests, followed her into what turned out to be a bathroom when she tried to leave through the first door she saw. The woman claims Roethlisberger then had sex with her. It is further alleged that friends of the woman attempted to intervene out of worry, but the second of Roethlisberger’s bodyguards, Edward Joyner—an off-duty Pennsylvania State Trooper—avoided eye contact and said he did not know what they were talking about. The policemen later claimed to “have no memory” of meeting the woman.”

The other guy is an off-duty cop too? The thin blue line apparently has a bit of black and gold in it as well. And rape. Black, Gold, and Rape! Hey! That should be their new team colors! Wait, what color is rape?

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Our viscous bodily fluids may run (down your leg), but these colors won't!

“Milledgeville Police Sergeant Jerry Blash, who had posed for a photograph with Roethlisberger earlier in the evening, was the first officer to respond.”

What was that I said earlier about the REAL police coming to this poor woman’s aid? Well, fuck all that to Hell! Slimy, dirty, crooked fucking cops! This story disgusts me so much, I can’t even try to joke about it anymore. Ugh… Let’s just move along…

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Let's play a game of "Spot The Asshole"! Hey, guess what! You've already won!

“At the scene, he (Milledgeville Police Sergeant Jerry Blash -pictured above, left-) made a comment about the accuser to Barravecchio: “We have a problem, this drunken [expletive], drunk off her ass, is accusing Ben of rape.” Blash later admitted denigrating the accuser and never formally questioning Roethlisberger; he did speak to the NFL player and his off-duty police bodyguards at the Capital City club, but according to Blash’s own report, Roethlisberger was hardly engaged and spent most of the time on his phone.”

Yeah, on his phone. Probably hunting for his next victim. If there was any justice in this world, Rapistberger would be forced to have his microscopic cock and ball-less scrotum snipped off and shoved down his fucking throat, along with a healthy side-order of cinder block.

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Hey, don't grill him too hard there, Sipowitz! Remember, he plays professional football!

By the way. The victim being a, quote – unquote “drunken ____ drunk off her ass…” doesn’t get a rapist off the hook. Obviously the officer said this in self-service, just to improve the overall image of policemen everywhere. So, remember; Sergeant Blash may be as bad as a rapist, but at least he’s not as bad as Hitler, or George W. Bush. Or a Jay Leno monologue. Well…most Jay Leno monologues.

“Roethlisberger hired lawyer Ed Garland, who had previously defended Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis in his murder trial.”

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Pictured L to R: Slimy Asshole Prick Lawyer Ed Garland, microphone, unknown.

Oh, great! Yeah, here’s two more fine examples of the human race caught in the crossfire of circumstance. If you didn’t know, Ray Lewis (allegedly) stabbed some people at a Superbowl party until thay’s was dead. But since he ratted out his buddies in a plea bargain cooked up by the slimy asshole prick lawyer Ed Fucking Garland, life’s back to normal for him. In fact, he’s still currently on the Baltimore Ravens’ roster.

So… I guess, fuck the Baltimore Ravens, too!

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Employing alleged murderers since 2000!

“On April 12, 2010, district attorney Fred Bright held a press conference to announce that Roethlisberger would not be charged. Bright said “looking at all the evidence here, “I cannot prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt”. Furthermore, the accuser wrote to the D.A. through her lawyer expressing she no longer wanted to pursue criminal charges because the level of media attention would make a criminal trial too “intrusive” of a personal experience. The letter stressed that she was not recanting her accusation.”

When the investigating officers are all Rapistberger’s buddies, there’s probably not gonna be a whole fuck-of-a-lot of evidence against him. I wonder why she never recanted. Maybe because she’s telling the truth? Or maybe I’m jumping to irrational conclusions? I guess we’ll never know exactly what took place, but Rapistberger and his pen o’ pig-pals fucking reek, man! Where’s Steve Wilkos when you really need him?

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"...and the results are that Ben... Did NOT tell the truth!"

“As a result of the unabridged details revealed in Bright’s press conference, reaction was swift. Steelers president Art Rooney was reported to be “furious”. The owner of Pittsburgh-based PLB Sports, which marketed “Big Ben’s Beef Jerky”, terminated the company’s five-year sponsorship of Roethlisberger, the first such action in the company’s 14-year history. Jerry Blash finally resigned from the Milledgeville Police on April 15, 2010. Anthony Barravecchio was never disciplined in the incident, despite a local investigation where the Coraopolis Solicitor reviewed the 500-page Georgia Bureau of Investigation file on the matter.”

Yeah. It seems like everything is on the up and up here, I said sarcastically. Jesus Montgomery Christ! This whole thing stinks like Troy Polamalu’s skraggy hair! Not since Walmart’s health care policy has so many been so bent over by so few. I mean, comparatively speaking, of course.

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While shopping at Walmart, don't forget to stock up on lube!

And, so, I end with a hearty and passionate “FUCK YOU!!!” to Big Ben Rapistberger. Followed up with another no-less enthusiastic “FUCK YOU!!!” to the whole Steelers organization for letting him come back to work as a professional role model after all of this horrible shit! I like to think that my favorite football team has a strict “no rapists” policy, and if they suddenly didn’t I would abandon my fandom immediately. If you’re a Steelers fan and you’re still reading this, ask yourself; “Why am I still reading this?”. Then ask yourself this follow-up: Do I really want my team led by a alleged two-time rapist who, in his spare time, rides his motorcycle with no helmet like the dumbest of dumb-dumb dummy dumb-asses?”

Well, do you???

4 Reasons Faith No More Flopped In The States (The Director’s Cut!)

About a month ago, the kind people at the Faith No More blog asked me to write up a dissertation about FNM’s impact on the States (or lack thereof). It was a huge honor, and I hope to contribute more boring essays in the future. However, since they’re actually officially connected with the band, they had to change a few things around. Mostly, they almost completely deleted the section about Mr. Dean Menta in the “Pick A Guitar Player, Please!” section. The world must know how much I dislike Dean Menta as a guitarist! So now I present to you the “Director’s Cut” of my Faith No More article! Please try your best to enjoy!

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4 Reasons Faith No More flopped in the States (in one American fan’s opinion).

According to the Mayan calendar, the Earth will die, screaming, before Faith No More is due to play another show in the United States of America. Being an American of average-at-best income, I find this most disconcerting. Not because I’m secretly a Mayan. No, I really wanted to see those guys before they suddenly break up for good! I mean, would anyone be surprised if they announced such a thing, like, an hour from now? I can’t afford a trip to Europe! I honestly think I’ll never get the chance to see my favorite band again. What the Hell?! Why the Hell?!

Looking back at history, It’s obvious there’s a “thing” between FNM and the USA. Being an American of average-at-best intelligence, as well as being probably the biggest FNM fan in my zip code, I’ve devoted (too) much time and brain power to the issue of FNM’s struggle on the American pop scene. When you break it down with the aide of hindsight, you can see an obvious series of career steps that, to an American fan living through the time, seemed to alienate all my music loving American friends. As part of my master’s thesis for the Faith No More Spiritual and Theological Center, here’s the top 4 reasons I think Armageddon is more likely than a FNM concert in Seattle or St. Louis.

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4• Mike Patton’s voice changes.

First, I want to address something that I feel isn’t talked about enough, and I wish someone would ask Mike Patton about specifically. Sometime between “The Real Thing” and “Angel Dust” Patton emerged from a cocoon or something as Mike Patton two-point-oh! After jamming with John Zorn, and completing the first Mr. Bungle album, Patton evolved from a bratty white-boy rapper with a pinched, nasally punk attitude…into the man with the voice we all know and love. It’s almost as if FNM had three singers. Check out this video of Mr. Bungle live on April 20th, 1992. Right before “Angel Dust” was released (on June 8th). You can hear his transformation in action.

If you pay close attention, you can hear Patton consciously choose to sing in a register and voice that’s much different from the “bratty” voice he used on the official recorded versions. Controlling the tone of his voice, he purposely sings the old songs in a new way. Though sometimes he dips back into his old voice. I find it fascinating. Especially during “Squeeze Me Macaroni” which has been almost completely rearranged in order to avoid the trappings of Patton’s old vocal approach. By the way, you should watch this whole show if you haven’t already. Its one of Bungle’s finest!

Ok, so why the change? Besides the obvious? I know that he was growing as a singer and an artist and all that crap blah blah blah. However, according to the American music press’ tart, bitter brand of glossolalias, I’ve always heard about another, dumber rumor for reason. I think it’s pretty obvious, but it’s awkward to address. I’ll just say it; Anthony Kiedis. There was, and might still be, a feud between the two of them. Though nowadays, it seems to be just Kiedis holding a grudge. According to anthonykiedis.net (the 100% UNofficial fan site dedicated to Anthony Kiedis!) the earliest sign of trouble came right when “Epic” hit it big.

“I watched [their] “Epic” video, and I see him jumping up and down, rapping, and it looked like I was looking in a mirror.” Anthony Kiedis
{‘Red Hot Chili Peppers By The Way The Biography’ by Dave Thompson (page 163)}

At the time, FNM was bigger than the Chili Peppers in Europe, apparently, and Kiedis was worried European audiences would think that HE was “the imitator”. My two cents; Puh-leeze! I remember this “controversy” when it was still fresh. The Chili Peppers have pretty much always been way more popular than FNM here in the States, and it reminded me of another similar situation, only in the world of stand-up comedy.

I’m sure that you, dear reader, have heard of Dennis Leary. He’s a big-time famous comedian and actor guy. When he was first coming up as a stand-up comedian in the late 80s/early 90s, he was accused of stealing material from another comedian named Bill Hicks. If one was to objectively investigate the specific allegations (as I have attempted), you would see that while both have material that touch on similar themes, there is no actual joke thievery. Leary and Hicks both enjoyed jokes about taking a lot of drugs, jokes about smoking a lot of cigarettes, and jokes about how funny it was the way Jim Fix died. I think a similar point could be made about the Kiedis/Patton feud bullshit. Anthony Kiedis did not invent anything, and he certainly wasn’t the first skinny white guy with long hair to rap over rock in tight pants. I remember the general consensus amongst my friends being that in this fight, Kiedis looked like a big pussy. But to be fair, anytime a rock star complains about anything at all, they look like big pussies. The human race agrees on this; if you are blessed with the life of a rock star, your license to bitch is revoked. In fact the more you bitch, the more satisfying your inevitable come-uppance will be to the general public. Check any tabloid for proof of concept.

(And I actually like the Chili Peppers. Up to “BloodSugarSexMagic”. Then, not so much. At least FNM isn’t still excreting sub-par throw-back records every 3-5 years. Oh, and Flea is WAY overrated! But I digress. Anyway…)

3• The singles released for “Angel Dust” confounds America!

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There’s no question about Faith No More’s popularity in America during “The Real Thing’s” heyday. Having never been abroad, (except for the occasional illicit holliday to Tijuana) I don’t know what it’s like when y’all’s local rock radio station falls in love with a particular tune. But in the greater Los Angeles area in 1991, you heard “Epic” approximately twice every five minutes. If that seems mathematically impossible, just keep in mind how fast pop culture eats itself in America. Guitar music was king in the post-ironic 1990s, and bands like Faith No More encouraged the alt-rock scene to swallow it’s own tail at an even faster rate. I’m sorry. It just seemed like an exciting time for rock music! If we only knew…if we only knew…

“Angel Dust’s” first single; “Midlife Crisis” stymied metal-heads who were looking for a sequel to “Epic” and, of course, this was not accidental. Not only that, but “Nevermind” happened between FNM records, so anything other than an Epic- sequel would be viewed as a risky career move by the American music press. Then came “A Small Victory” which was largely ignored. In a world where Pearl Jam, Nirvana, and Stone Temple Pilots were MTV’s chosen ones, there was no room on American rock radio for such an amazingly unique, challenging, keyboard-heavy song.
Anecdotical evidence; 105.5 KNAC, L.A.’s premier hard rock radio station (up until 1994, when it turned into an all Spanish station) refused to play it when I requested it! I remember calling in to the station;
ME: Hey, dude! (it was 1993) It would be rad if you played “A Small Victory” by Faith No More! I love that song!
RADIO DUDE: Yeah, I’ll play some Faith No More…
1 HOUR LATER: “Epic” is played as per my “request”. Bastards!

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2• What album is “Easy” from, again?

“Angel Dust” is a masterpiece from start to finish. So why was “Easy” treated like the album’s red-headed stepchild? If you were not aware, the American version of “AD” ends after “Midnight Cowboy” and the import just has it tacked on at the end (and good luck finding THAT in an American record shop). This wouldn’t have been a big deal, except that “Easy” turned out to be one of the band’s biggest hits! Where was an American fan supposed to find this song in 1993?

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Well, in America, we got the “Songs To Make Love To EP” which is, by far, the weakest release in the band’s history. You get four songs;
Easy – Das Sutchenfest – Let’s Lynch The Landlord – Midnight Cowboy
What a rip-off! Track 1 should have already been on the album, track 4 IS on the album, and tracks 2 and 3 are complete B-Side throwaway garbage! It’s not like there wasn’t other good songs still unreleased at the time. Especially in America! They could have included “As The Worm Turns 92′” or “The World Is Yours” or at least some live stuff, and actually give American fans some bang for their buck. Way to burn the base, guys!

1• Pick a guitar player, please!

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While listening to a live recording from the KFAD era, two thoughts occurred to me. Number one; boy, Dean Menta wasn’t very good. And B; I’m always taken aback by how poorly that record was received here in the US! While “King…” has sold over 1.5 million copies worldwide, the keyword there is “worldwide”. For some reason, America turned their noses up at one of the finest records of the nineties. How come? After careful consideration, the only reason I can think of is the lack of a true replacement for Jim Martin.

I am the proud owner of a 1995 Faith No More calendar. It’s pretty much just a poster book, and it’s pretty sweet. One thing, though. Half of the pictures are of just Jim Martin. I’ll spell it out; Jim was not in the band in 1995! But such was the image of Faith No More in the US.
You have to admit, Martin had an iconic look. And Warner Bros. did a fine job of presenting him as the crunchy-metallic voice of sanity in FNM’s crazy world of new wave and rap-rock. That was great for awhile, but then 1991 ended.

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Trey Spruance could have been the band’s savior if he would have stuck it out. American audiences would have loved him! 1995, ’tis the season of Grunge, and Spruance was the almost too perfect replacement for Big Sick Ugly Jim. Image-wise, Trey’s style, look, and manic stage presence would have, in my opinion, been an improvement over Jim Martin’s stand-there-and-smoke-while-wearing-two-pairs-of-glasses shtick, which In 95′ would’ve been so three years ago. Plus, the guitar parts themselves were much more intricate. More thoughtful, pop-ironic, post-punk, and freed from the shackles of the dreaded ‘heavy metal’ shred label. Basically, Jim Martin could and would never play something like what Trey wrote and played in “Evidence” or “Star A.D.”.

But then the record came out without even a picture of ‘whoever’ was playing guitar! I believe the American audience felt cheated in some way. I know I did. I think this, along with weak media attention, and the band’s typical cooly-detached mystique, combined to form the monster that killed the record in it’s crib.

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As for Dean Menta…I’ll try not to beat up on poor Dean too much… But then again, what are the odds he’ll actually read this? I feel that Faith No More fans took an immediate dislike to Dean because he looked too much like what he was: a lucky roadie. He performed like one, too. While pro-shot footage from the “Angel Dust” tour are as rare as a svelte Texan, I have seen several professional live videos from the Dean era, usually featuring Dean fucking up. Here’s one of my favorite Dean Menta fuck ups:

I’ve never been to Chile, but I know that since it’s in South America, it’s probably hotter than a Devil’s fart. So it must have been a sorry attempt at fashion when Dean Menta came out to perform in Santiago, Chile wearing a hoodie-style sweat jacket. Four songs in, and drenched in flop sweat, as well as regular sweat, Dean decides to remove his jacket IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FRIGGING SONG!! Right after the first chorus of “What A Day” Dean uses the brief four measures of guitar noise before the final verse to attempt the great mid-song jacket-escape! Let’s break it down;

He has about seven seconds to first remove his guitar, then quickly remove his wet, sweaty jacket, and then replace his guitar and rejoin the song in time for the regular guitar riff of the verse. It actually might have been cool if he had pulled it off. He doesn’t, of course. He gets the jacket about half way off when he seems to suddenly realize what a bad idea this was, and there’s no way he’s gonna make it in time. Rather than just accomplish his original goal of removing his goddamn jacket before he dies of heat stroke, and rejoining the song when he’s good and ready, he panics and gets his jacket stuck in his guitar strap. After a short, losing struggle with his crafty coat, he flails and steps on his tangled jacket, which tweaks his chord, and completely unplugs the guitar mid-verse. It’s amateurish and embarrassing. It looks like some half-assed try-out for a Faith No More tribute band, and this guy is not getting the part. To sum up, Dean was a sad, sorry replacement for either Martin or Spruance, and America seems to have rejected this period of the band’s history almost entirely.

So much for not beating up on Dean. Maybe I’m being too hard on him. Then again, I own a copy of his ‘other’ band’s record. The band was called Duh, and the record is called “The Unholy Handjob”. Guess what? It blows.

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When Jon Hudson joined the band, and they came out with “Album Of The Year” I suddenly saw Faith No More on MTV again. “Ashes To Ashes” entered heavy rotation on my local FM rock station, and they were on their way to becoming relevant in American pop music again. Perhaps it was obvious even then than Jon Hudson was the right guitarist for the band? I like to think so, but I’m a big Jon Hudson fan, so I might be a bit biased.

All the pieces were in place in the US, and the American music press was calling “AOTY” a “comeback” and, more importantly, a success! All that was needed now was some big, high profile American touring. However, FNM never seemed interested in a big American tour. They stuck to mid-sized venues, and only hit the rounds once. Since the reunion, they’ve only played a handful of shows on American soil. I guess they’re still angry with us that we didn’t buy very many of their records after 1994. But after getting burned by the “Songs To Make Love To EP” and getting tricked into paying actual cash money to see Dean Menta perform, you can’t be too angry with us.

While I strongly feel that America is ready for Faith No More’s glorious return, something still bugs me. Awhile back, VH1 Classic’s “That Metal Show” was covering the 2009 download festival. During the special, they featured a couple of FNM tunes (I remember “Land Of Sunshine” and “Introduce Yourself” airing, if you were curious). But during one of the show’s many inane conversations, the hosts were comparing multiple bands in some arbitrary and asinine way like a bunch of baked high school sophomores. Someone, I believe it was Eddie Trunk himself, remarked that Faith No More was lacking that night, and that it just “wasn’t the same without Jim Martin”. This is the type of American music press ignorance that has to stop!

I’ll end this editorial rant on top of a soap box; Gentlemen! Kind sirs! In my humble opinion, Faith No More must stop looking for the US to reach out to them! They need to school fools like Eddie Trunk on the greatness of Jon Hudson! America deserves to know that Faith No More are better now than they’ve ever been! Stand up and demand our attention! Tour the United States! Thank you. I now return you to your regularly scheduled Internet.

Originally published on the Faith No More Blog; July 25th, 2012

…And now the news. With your trusted news anchor; Mike Heyknobber.

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Good evening. I’m Mike Heyknobber, and here’s tonight’s top stories;

POLICE IN AUSTRALIA SEIZE 1,230 lbs OF CRYSTAL METH & HEROIN!!

Am I the only one who gets really bummed out whenever ya see a news story about a big drug bust? I mean any kind of drug, too. Not just pot or moonshine. Even the addictive ones. Like meth, or heroin, or that new Batman-flavored Mountain Dew!

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I endorse this product!

Whenever I see big drug busts, I just think…man, that sucks for the local drug addicts! I mean, think about it. It’s just gonna raise prices and complicate things for the user. The only rich addicts are the ones on TV and in tabloids. Like Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan, or Skip Lackey. Most are broke as shit! Living hand to mouth, trying to scrimp and save (*sob*) just to get by! And by “get by” I mean “buy drugs”.
The life of a drug addict is as such. You spend all day and/or night either trying to find drugs, or being high on drugs. So not only does overall productivity suffer, but making the drugs harder to get just complicates the inevitable, and drags productivity down even further. These people will get their drugs. Come Hell or high water… They. Will. Get. Their. Drugs.

DEMOCRATS OFFICIALLY ENDORSE GAY MARRIAGE!!

First reaction: Hooray!!! All right! Yes! Soon, I’ll be marrying my life-partner, Bruce! We’ll be sipping Tab while we watch our adopted, liberally- indoctrinated children play in the above ground pool! Located at our palatial Pflugerville, Texas estate slash trailer park… And with not a care in the world!
Second reaction: I hope the Democrats know what they’re doing! This move is politically risky. If the far-right mental patients rally all the other defectives to vote, and all of the new Republician-approved voter suppression laws are in effect…I’ll be a little worried. They’ll probably frame it as something like “A vote for Mitt Romney is a vote for ‘traditional marriage’…a vote for Barak Obama is a vote for two guys touching their penises together.
It’s our job as citizens to not give a shit about two penises touching together. If I see two penises touch together…I’m gonna be, like, “Whatever, man! You guys go ahead and touch your penises together! I get my kicks above the waist! I get high on life!
And meth…
Life and meth!
Mostly meth…
Hey, I’ll touch your penis for some meth!”

WOMAN FINDS RUSTY BLADE INSIDE BAG OF JOLLY RANCHER CANDY

Wow! A ‘Rusty Blade’ bag! Chock-full of…rusty-blady-goodness! You lucky bitch, I just hate you! You’ve just won the litigation lottery!! Just pretend it’s your birthday, and cut at your wrist with it like you do every year.
BAM! Instant millionaire! Just think of all the meth you could buy!
——————–
Ok, wait…wait…that’s not right. This was obviously some terrible, one-of-a-kind mistake and I’m sure they’ll be glad to pay for the pain and suffering you’re in from the gory blade wound you’ve just self-inflic…er… suffered from on your wrist. Just call the company hotline for Hershey’s (the makers of Jolly Ranchers, Highways, and Squirts) and explain the situation. I’m sure you can both agree on a…wuzzat? They offered you three bags of candy? And what else? That’s it?! Three fucking bags of fucking candy?! Ok, then how about you return the deadly blade to the factory in person? Just start swinging that fucker around inside the reception area. You’ll probably get a few bucks for your troubles. Plus, a free car ride home!

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(PROTIP; At that point, prison is your home!)

No, seriously! Three bags of candy?…you fucking cock-sockets! Fuck you, Hershey’s!!

MORE GUNS AT THE MOVIES?!

Some usher at some movie theater in some hick fucking town saw some dale walk into his theater with a gun. The usher promptly, and correctly, shit his pants. He then told his probably fat and sweaty boss. They stopped the movie and announced to the audience that whoever has the gun to stand up.
Three fucking people stood up.

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No, not them, you numbskull! Why I...

No shots were actually fired, sorry. But you wouldn’t be all that surprised if it happened again, would you? This is why the tired old pro-gun argument of “if everyone’s armed, then everyone’s safe” sounds even more ignorant then anyone could have ever anticipated!
It turns out all three armed strangers were carrying permits. Whew! Really ‘dodged a bullet’ there, eh?!
Ya know… That’s the thing about sanity; you must always think it’s an exclusive club! People who bring guns to a movie for any reason are not members of this club. What happened in Colorado was horrible, but I think I’ll go ahead and live life on the razor’s edge and go to the movies unarmed.
Permit or no, bystanders aren’t usually helpful. There’s a crime committed, like, every fucking second of every day. That’s why they report it on the news when it actually goes well! Sorry, but don’t want to be on the news! So keep the fuck away from me and my family, Paul Kersey!

Yeeeeesh!!! I’m so glad I never go to the movies!

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Only the REAL Paul Kersey is allowed to carry a gun, punk!

It’s 4am and I can’t sleep…

It’s 4AM…and I can’t sleep…
The fuck am I doing up? My mind is bleary and full of weird bullshit. You ever have so much going through your mind that you can’t sleep? Well, that’s me.
Fuck it. What’s on TV…
Christfuck!!! Am I the only one who couldn’t give any less of a shit about the goddamn Olympics? As I type this, NBC is showing yet another life story of some asshole swimmer. I hope he goddamn drowns! Oh! There’s Bob Costas! What a suck-ass! Who elected this fag to be the world’s prime-time king-ding representative of sports?

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Eat a large fuck, Costas! You suck Satan's cock!

I heard Costas had plastic surgery. I guess he wanted to look even more plain. Since I avoid looking at him like it might give me a disease, I Googled for before and after pictures.
Bob Costas before:

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Bob Costas after:

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Hmm...he looks good! I'd fuck 'em!

The one Olympic event I’m looking forward to is that Horse Dressage bullshit. It’ll be fun watching Mitt Romney’s retarded wife diddly-dick around with all this incredibly expensive cheese-dick horse dancing! They have a good chance for the gold, but I think they’d be better off if they switched places and the horse rode Ann around as she danced. The local kids could throw peanuts and D-cell batteries at her. Then, the older ones douse her in pigs blood, while the crowd chants satanic incantations! The peasants are gathering around her in a circle to piss on her head and face and… Woah! I’m letting my dark imagination get away from me. I apologize for suggesting someone should urinate on Ann Romney. Though that does paint a funny picture in my head.

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"Giddy-up, bitch!"

I’m having such a great time watching Miit the Twit fuck his campaign all to Hell! I’m laughing while I can, because I’m afraid the Repubs have something nefarious up their slimy sleeves. The game might be rigged. Remember 2000? Dubya didn’t win that one. People were protesting Dubya from day fucking one! And with good reason! Not like those Tea Baggers that just wave signs that say “Obama Am Hitler” and other illiterate half-witticisms. Matter of fact, I don’t think Dubya won in 2004 election. Here, read (or skim) this:

Fucked, isn’t it? I don’t think I’m a crazy conspiracy nut, but then, crazy people never think their crazy, do they?. Rush Limbaugh says all us Liberals are crazy, but I never listen to what a narcotic addict says. They’re crazy! So, In the spirit of being nucking futs, I’m going to play insane. Here’s a few things I “believe” about the big conspiracies that I’d like to share with you (aka: poison your mind!).
—————————–
JFK ASSASSINATION
I’ve heard just as much confusing bullshit about this as you probably have, dear reader.

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Video games have, evidently, reached their logical, inevitable conclusion. Seriously. What the fuck is this?

After sifting through the detritus of JFK horseshit on TV, I believe that Oswald did not act alone. He was the patsy for the real shooters on the grassy knoll. Who was on the grassy knoll?
Martians.

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Back, and to the left... Back, and to the left...

I know, right! The men from Mars killed JFK so as to get…the…thing…
Look, it was fucking Martians, all right?! Theyre in it with the CIA, the FBI, and NAMBLA. Think about it. It explains everything.
EVERYTHING!

——————————————–
THE MOON LANDING WAS FAKE

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If you really want to impress me, play baseball!

The moon landing is fine cinema, isn’t it? It was directed by Stanley Kubrick and produced by Adam Sandler who was preset due to time travel. Oh yeah. They’ve got time travel. Just a moment ago, a CIA time traveler arrived to tell me not to post this. He warned me of the repercussions of revealing so much truth on my blog. So, I aimed my shotgun at him and told him to get of my property. I don’t need no time travelers ’round these parts! Don’t go back and kill Hitler or anything, fuckhead. Come and bug MY ass with this bullshit!
Fucking time travelers, am I right?!

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"Honey? I made it! It's 1928, and all I'm going to do is go to a fucking movie! Honey? Oh, that's right! This is the past! I'll just text her. Geeez, the cell coverage here is shit! Fucking AT&T!"

Oh, about the moon landing. All joking aside, I find it hard to believe we had the technology to accomplish such a thing at that time. Back then, they didn’t have a computer powerful enough to play a good game of Pong, let alone get men safely to the goddamn moon! I’m not the type to try to pick apart the actual film itself, but I do find it bizarre that all the original copies of the movie were “erased”. After a quick google search, I see that NASA is restoring the footage as if it was an old movie being digitally remastered for a Blu Ray release! Pre-order your copy now, and get a free “I’m a gullible dumb-shit!” T-shirt!

———————————–
TACO BELL CONSPIRACY
Taco Bell is purposely trying to give us all painful diarrhea. Think about it. Have you’ve ever eaten at Taco Bell and NOT gotten the shits? Damn them and their delicious Gorditas! Now, whenever I think of Mexican food, my asshole whimpers. I know, little fella. I know… But the fire sauce is soooooo good!

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PROOF! I rest my case.

————————–
CONSPIRACY TO KEEP ME FROM SLEEPING RIGHT NOW
It’s the Martians again. They sent one of their sleep assassins to my house disguised as Mr. T! Only, his skin is bright green. He’s here with a box of cream-filled donuts and a big, green 12 inch Martian cock. He sticks it in one of the creamy donuts, and I put on a bib and sit in a giant high chair…
Shit. I think I’m typing my dreams…wait, I dream of donut sex with a green Mr. T?! What the hell is wrong with me? I’m gonna regret this post. Ugh… Good night…

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Im such a fool, Mr. T... I need to be pitied...

HUSTLER (1975)

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This is a picture of my dad’s rock band from the 70s!

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from L to R
• Randy Knox (guitar)
• Doug Wooldridge (bass)
• Dave Mayberry (lead guitar/Vox)
• Rick Zeferjahn (drums)