My Hard-Rockin’ Trip To Washington; Stolen Babies is/are awesome, Incubus is caca-doo-doos, and Linkin Park gives sloppy, eager head to the Honda Corporation

My Hard-Rockin’ Trip To Washington; Stolen Babies is/are awesome, Incubus is caca-doo-doos, and Linkin Park gives sloppy, eager head to the Honda Corporation

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On the 4th and 5th of this month, close family and I embarked on a hard-rockin’ journey of pure-metal rockitude. However, rockin’ was surprisingly hard to come by. We paid $18 and drove five hours from Eugene into downtown Crack-City (Studio 7: located in Seattle’s finest skeevy industrial zone.) to see Stolen Babies play a truncated set that didn’t even include my favorite song. We then paid $85 dollars and drove to Tacoma to see Incubus and Linkin Park stink up the Tacomadome, which, by the way, is the shittiest place to have a rock show since the Superbowl. Here’s my take on all the rockin’ rock I rocked.

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STOLEN BABIES – “A+++++”
For those of you who don’t know (and, apparently, that’s everyone) Stolen Babies is a quote, unquote “avant-garde” circus-metal band with an amazingly versatile and beautiful female lead-vocalist. They sound like Mr. Bungle or Oingo Boingo fused with speed metal with a sorta Tim Burton-cabaret aesthetic. The music is incredible, and I absolutely adore this band.

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So awesome.

Plus, they were fucking amazing live! My only complaints are that they didn’t play long enough, and they didn’t play my favorite song. Hardly scathing criticism. Plus, they posed for this picture;

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That's the singer, Dominique Persi, pointing at moi. I think we're dating now.

So…yeah! They’re really cool to their fans, and they make amazing music! Check them out! Here, I’ll help. Watch this;


May I have more of this, please?

INCUBUS – “F-“
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There was a time when I really loved the band Incubus. They used to be really great. No, seriously. I bought “Make Yourself” the very day it was released. I listened to “S.C.I.E.N.C.E.” in high school so much, my actual grades in science class went up. I go way back with these guys, and I’m sure many others do as well. However that’s also where I stopped. For me, Incubus stopped making new records since “Morning View”. That seemed to be about when Brandon Boyd’s vagina had fully grown in, and their stuff stopped having any teeth in it. And by ‘stuff’ I of course mean the music, and not Brandon Boyd’s vagina. Which, as we all know, is filled with razor-sharp teeth. Not all his own.

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Brandon Boyd prepares to take the stage.

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So you can imagine my disappointment, if not surprise, when they managed to play jack and shit from my favorite Incubus album "S.C.I.E.N.C.E." (Or, god forbid, something even earlier!). Goddamnit!! You know what? I fucking hate bands that completely ignore their classic material live! Especially if they've since mutated into Vegas-Elvis caliber self-parody like this. Excuse me, but you're currently getting away with charging everyone up to $85 a ticket right now because guys like me bought those early albums! Now, what? You're just so above and beyond that old shit that you can't provide a single song's worth of fan service? You sayin' you better 'dan me? Well, FUCK YOU, INCUBUS!!!

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Tools.

Thanks for absolutely nothing! I used to love you SO MUCH! And don’t give me any of your typical excuses for whenever someone complains that you didn’t play their favorite song whatever night. I know you have a fuck-ton of material, and you can’t play everything, and the alignment of the planets wasn’t just so, and blah blah blah. Just one…JUST ONE FUCKING SONG FROM “S.C.I.E.N.C.E.”!!! Those tickets were $85 dollars, you assholes! Not to mention it costs $25 just to park the fucking CAR! They charged us fucking bank for everything short of taking a piss. Ironic since you apparently charged me $85 bucks for total crap!

When Incubus first took the stage and opened with “Privilege” I felt optimistic about their set. I even thought they might play a few of the classics, since, like, they don’t have a new album out or fuckin’ something. Linkin Park just put one out (and boy does it suck), and Stolen Babies has a new one coming in mid-October I believe. But not Incubus. They can afford the space on the set-list, but I guess they thought Incubus fans would rather listen to classic Lionel Richie over classic Incubus.

Here. This was the set-list. You tell me. Does this NOT suck? (Hint: no)

1 • Privilege
2 • Wish You Were Here
3 • Megalomaniac
4 • Adolescents
5 • Nice to Know You
6 • If Not Now, When?
7 • Made For TV Movie
8 • Hello (Lionel Richie cover)
9 • Anna Molly
10 • A Kiss to Send Us Off
11 • Drive
12 • In the Company of Wolves
13 • Pardon Me
14 • Rebel Girls (P.S. This is the shittiest song of all time! The SHITTIEST!)
15 • Sick Sad Little World
16 • Tomorrow’s Food

This brings me to the worst part of Incubusese’s performance. For the very last song, they, of course, did NOT play a classic fan favorite, or even something from a later record that quasi-rocks. No, they instead closed with this;

“Tomorrow’s Food” is some new song I of course didn’t recognize (and apparently, a lot of people near me didn’t either). If I was a waiter, I’d describe this particular dish as a shit sandwich served with a circa 1969 bong water au jus. Made with bread of an excruciatingly boring rhythm, stuffed with some whisper quiet piano and guitar-by-product filling, and topped with a layer of rancid vocal cheese. The show ended with a whimper, and the band hilariously said “thank you” as the crowd collectively scratched their heads and audibly asked “what the fuck was THAT?!”

That, my fellow disillusioned concert-goers, was their big show closer. A song so mellow, it’s in a fucking coma. Jeezus, the last Dimebag Darrel show had a livelier ending. I now believe the rumors about their old bass player. Maybe he really was sent away to live out his remaining years with a nice family on a Thorazine farm as a saw horse. Good God…I never thought I’d miss Hoobastank, but here we are!

Yes, the Incubus show at the Tacomadome on Sept.5th was truly a disappointment in every way. Shame on you, Incubus! You treat your old-school fans like you must treat a multi-pak of Costco-brand dildos; you shove them in places they don’t want to go, and throw them in the garbage.

LINKIN PARK “D”

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Before I saw this concert, Linkin Park were filed in the same section of my brain with the likes of Korn or Red Hot Chili Peppers…or even Katy Perry; I like one or two of their hits, but that’s all I really care to know.

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Maybe I'd care to know more about this...

They’re just a pop-act to me. But to a lot of people, they’re a real live rock band. Unfortunately, seeing them perform did NOT improve my opinion one iota. They were competent live, I mean, they were alright. But for the life of me, I still can’t tell why THIS band was ever as popular as they were. I mean, I love America, but our taste in Pop music is fucking daft.

For you L.P. fans out there, here’s the set list:

1 • With You
2 • Faint
3 • Given Up
4 • Victimized (with a snippet of Somewhere I Belong )
5 • New Divide
6 • In My Remains
7 • Empty Spaces
8 • When They Come for Me
9 • Waiting for the End
10 • Breaking the Habit
11 • Leave Out All the Rest / Shadow of the Day / Iridescent
12 • The Catalyst
13 • What I’ve Done
14 • Burn It Down
15 • In
16 • Numb
17 • Bleed It Out (with Mike Einziger)
—Encore:—
18 • Lost in the Echo
19 • Papercut (NOT the Nirvana song, unfortunately)
20 • One Step Closer

So, first of all, they didn’t play “Crawling” which was too bad, cuz it’s one of few I knew going in. But they did play “Given Up” which is my favorite L.P. tune. But whatever, they played just fine. The mix was shitty, but musically the band did well. Whatever. I guess I was just kinda bored. Linkin Park songs start to sound alike after a very short time. First you do a rap, then you do a rock-anthem chorus (with optional scream), and you do it all again. Toss in a quick bridge, and top it with some wicky-wicky-fresh DJ bullshit. Rinse, wash, repeat. For two hours. Oy.

But all that was to be expected. My problem with this Linkin Park performance was how commercial and shamelessly sold-out the band is. See, this isn’t just any big rock tour. No! This is the “Honda Civic Tour ™”! Normally, no one would give a sailing shit about who the sponsor is, but this… it’s bad, man…

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"Souls for sale! Step right up! They're going cheap!"

See, they had this big projection screen set up behind the band, and between bands, they would play fucking car commercials on a short, maddening loop. But that’s not even the worst part. The worst part was how they actually got the two singers from Linkin Park to personally promote their shitty cars! Yes, Chester…uh, whatever his last name is…and the other chubby guy that raps…Mike something…anyway, there they both are (on film, not live) reading a TelePrompTer the way an Al Queda hostage might. In that neither really give a shit if I buy a Honda Civic, and both die a horrific, painful death on camera.

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Who in their right mind would dare be caught dead in this piece of shit?! I mean, really?!

Linkin Park has no business doing fucking car commercials. They are a very popular rap-rock band that enough people like that they can get the headlining spot on the Honda bullshit tour. Isn’t that enough? Is this the new goal in music? To be an artist that’s lucky enough to be compensated and revered in your actual lifetime, and you use that opportunity to become a salesman? You could have stayed in Podunk and accomplished that, you fucking load!

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There was also this goofy looking motorcycle. Apparently based on an episode of "M.A.S.K."

The highlight of this Möbius strip of pinpoint marketing was when they showed a clip of Chester and Mike seeing some badly tarted-up “Linkin Park-official” Honda Civic, for what I’m SO sure REALLY was the first time. They got to act like they were somehow impressed with it, proving in the process that these jerk-offs absolutely did NOT miss their true calling as Shakespearian thespians. Dude, ok. First; the singers in Linkin Park have such ridiculous bank, they wouldn’t be impressed with a Honda Civic unless one almost hit them when their $10,000/hr hooker accidentally misfired it from her vagina. And B; I don’t care what you do to it, it’s still a fucking Honda Civic, and it will never be cool. Just like rap-rock “music”, and just like Linkin Park.

The lessons learned; Stolen Babies is/are awesome, Incubus is caca-doo-doos, and Linkin Park gives sloppy, eager head to Honda. I had a great time. The fucking end.

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The winner, and new champion...of ROCK!!

The Top 5 Faith No More Karoke Bombs!!

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The Top 5 Faith No More Karaoke Bombs!

Faith No More songs are very hard to sing. Correction. Faith No More songs are very hard to sing in a karaoke bar without looking like a goddamned jackass. I’ll admit to occasionally singing karaoke and looking doofy. It’s kinda fun to get liquored-up, stand in front of a room full of drunken strangers, and attempt to sing. I get that part. I’m just bewildered by people who film themselves acting the fool, post it on the net, and pretend like it’s something worth looking at.

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It never is…

So lets all don our best Casey Kasem impressions, and countdown the Top 5 Faith No More karaoke bombs! Coming in at number five…

•5• “Mark Bowen” as performed by Mark F

Karaoke bars piss me off for two reasons. One, people sing karaoke in them. That’s a real bummer. And B, they never seem to have the kind of songs I like to sing. Probably because karaoke bar DJs hate it when people just yell into the mic like a loon, and that’s pretty much what I like to listen to. No worries, right? Just sing something from the book, you say? Well, fuck you logic and accepted social mores! This guy’s went and beat ‘the man’ by bringing in his record from home, and simply bleating over the existing vocal track! That’s not karaoke, that’s just some asshole yelling over a record I like. Come on, man! It’s so lame that you brought your own CD to a karaoke bar, dude. Would you bring your own food to a restaurant? Would you bring your own herpes to your mother’s house? No, you wouldn’t. Why not just play your CD and shut the Hell up? No one in that dive knows this song but you. Why do you want everyone to hate it?

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Pictured: Not you.

“Mark Bowen” isn’t the hardest song to sing. I sound just great singing it in my car. However, in your car, no one can hear you scream. If only that were true here. This guy makes Chuck Mosley sound like Jonathan Davis. People attempting to perform hard rock songs at a karaoke bar depresses me so much. It’s one thing to get drunk and warble whatever top-40 bullshit you half-know the words to. This is another, even sadder thing entirely.

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you will never be this fuckin' cool.

•4• “Zombie Eaters” as performed by Mark:The Karaoke God!

FNM fans love it when Mike Patton gets excited and ad-libs some crazy shit during a performance! The rest of the band rarely improvises, so the whole reason to collect FNM bootlegs is because Patton never sings a song the same way twice. Which brings me to the highlight of this performance. It happens when the song goes from light to heavy. Our hero seems to be trying to mimic the Phoenix Festival 93′ performance and, like Mike Patton does in that performance, he goes for the big heavy metal growl and scream combo platter. He instead sounds like he’s trying really hard to vomit and defecate simultaneously. Try it.

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I once heard a rumor that Patton actually did that on stage! Perhaps he's doing it right here?

Some dude comes into frame at that moment, seemingly to check if he’s OK. Unfortunately, he is. His vocal chords are completely fucked, of course, so his voice strains and cracks in hilarious ways throughout the rest of the song. (“…and I’ll get mad for a-*whiLE*! Hahahaha!) I must ask again. Why is this on the Internet? Who is this for? You DO know that when you post a YouTube video, anyone can see it, right? Not just your mommy, or your boyfriend, or that dude in the dress. No, even dickheads like me can find it, mock it, and tell you that you suck. Oh, by the way; YOU SUCK!

•3• “The Gentle Art Of Making Enemies” as performed by Mark F

Oh boy…Our buddy Mark F. Is back! I know this might be hard to tell from his song selections, but this dude is hard core! He’s got, like, over a dozen YouTube videos just of him doing Faith No More songs. It’s difficult to pick the shittiest performance, and I refuse to watch them all. So, this one sucks hard enough for the number three slot!

Hot shit, Mark! You are so rock and roll! You’re just such a head-banging, fist-pumping, crowd enraging douche! Goddamnit! Stop going around and giving us FNM fans a bad name! And that’s coming from the guy who just called a complete stranger a ‘douche’!

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Fucking Boooooooooo!!

Think Im being too hard on the guy? Get this; The video ends with this guy walking, in frame, up to the camera, and turing it off. He filmed himself and posted it! On purpose! See? I was right. Douche.

•2• “Falling To Pieces” as performed by Womble.


Rock n' Roll Caveman!

Coming in at a close number two is this big, hairy, foreign fellow. Clearly, English is not this guy’s first language. So, let’s all have a laugh at that! Hahahaha! Ahhh! That felt so good! We’re just so superior, ain’t we? I suppose it would be racist if I made fun of whatever bullshit country he’s from, and I don’t really give a rat’s staff where the fuck he’s from. Unless it’s Mars. Then I’d be interested. Instead, my question is this; Why spend money on professional recording equipment when you know you have no talent? He filmed this, so I’m sure he’s watched it, so he must know it sucks. Right? He just hasta know that he looks and sounds like a tone-deaf caveman! He looks like he would be the smelly one on the bus that no one wants to sit by. Or if Sasquatch killed a FNM fan and stole his Walkman twenty years ago.

Actually, he kinda looks like this guy…

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And Mike Patton still kicks your ass;

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Also, he’s at home alone! He’s not even drunk (probably) at a karaoke bar!
This is something he probably practiced forever, learning the lyrics phonetically, and seriously earning this semi-public shaming.

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Dude! You should, totally, like, bring your own CD to the karaoke bar and then... Wait, what am I saying? Just stop, Womble!

•1• “Get Out!” as performed by Mark F

Coming in at number one, It’s Mark F again, ruining yet another great song! People of Earth; Please stop doing screaming rock songs at karaoke! It’s only cool when done by professionals. You, sir, look like a dick. A big, dumb, hairy dick. Why are you doing this, Mark? Why are you posting your failure on the Internet? Is this an audition reel for some new reality show about losers who can’t sing? Are you so deluded that you think ANYONE would EVER want to see this for ANY reason other than to MOCK it? Wait, I just imagined how it would be if William Hung covered “Epic”! Oh, man…DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME, MARK F.?!?!?!

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"Uoooowaaaaatit'tallbuh-choocenhabip!"

I’m sorry. Look, I’m a FNM fan too, and when someone puts a gun to my head, I’ll sing “Easy” or something I can stomach from Top40 radio. Have the couth to do the same, is all i’m saying. So, let’s review our lessons for the day.

Remember, kids…
• DO NOT Bring your own CDs to a karaoke bar! Just pick something from the book! Don’t be a total Mark F.-Bag!
• DO NOT Irritate all within earshot with attempted metal grunts and hard rockin’ screaming! You will look and sound like an idiot, and your audience will wish you dead!
• DO NOT Sing Faith No More songs in a karaoke bar! And if you must, for the love of “Angel Dust” DO NOT POST THAT SHITTY SHIT ON THE INTERNET!!

The prize for completing this lesson are these beautiful Mike Patton pictures I pilfered from the interwebs. But you only get to look at them if you watched every video in it’s entirety! Don’t cheat.

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The epitome of 'fucking cool'

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I'm not a queer or anythin'...but I'd totally go down on this man in tribute!

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...no, like, if he really wanted me to, I guess I'd do it...

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...and Puffy talks some sense into me!

If you enjoyed this article, and I can’t imagine you have, please to enjoy other happy fun time Faith No More writings!

“Why Faith No More Flopped In The States”
“Faith No More: The Comic Book – Reviewed

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4 Reasons Faith No More Flopped In The States (The Director’s Cut!)

About a month ago, the kind people at the Faith No More blog asked me to write up a dissertation about FNM’s impact on the States (or lack thereof). It was a huge honor, and I hope to contribute more boring essays in the future. However, since they’re actually officially connected with the band, they had to change a few things around. Mostly, they almost completely deleted the section about Mr. Dean Menta in the “Pick A Guitar Player, Please!” section. The world must know how much I dislike Dean Menta as a guitarist! So now I present to you the “Director’s Cut” of my Faith No More article! Please try your best to enjoy!

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4 Reasons Faith No More flopped in the States (in one American fan’s opinion).

According to the Mayan calendar, the Earth will die, screaming, before Faith No More is due to play another show in the United States of America. Being an American of average-at-best income, I find this most disconcerting. Not because I’m secretly a Mayan. No, I really wanted to see those guys before they suddenly break up for good! I mean, would anyone be surprised if they announced such a thing, like, an hour from now? I can’t afford a trip to Europe! I honestly think I’ll never get the chance to see my favorite band again. What the Hell?! Why the Hell?!

Looking back at history, It’s obvious there’s a “thing” between FNM and the USA. Being an American of average-at-best intelligence, as well as being probably the biggest FNM fan in my zip code, I’ve devoted (too) much time and brain power to the issue of FNM’s struggle on the American pop scene. When you break it down with the aide of hindsight, you can see an obvious series of career steps that, to an American fan living through the time, seemed to alienate all my music loving American friends. As part of my master’s thesis for the Faith No More Spiritual and Theological Center, here’s the top 4 reasons I think Armageddon is more likely than a FNM concert in Seattle or St. Louis.

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4• Mike Patton’s voice changes.

First, I want to address something that I feel isn’t talked about enough, and I wish someone would ask Mike Patton about specifically. Sometime between “The Real Thing” and “Angel Dust” Patton emerged from a cocoon or something as Mike Patton two-point-oh! After jamming with John Zorn, and completing the first Mr. Bungle album, Patton evolved from a bratty white-boy rapper with a pinched, nasally punk attitude…into the man with the voice we all know and love. It’s almost as if FNM had three singers. Check out this video of Mr. Bungle live on April 20th, 1992. Right before “Angel Dust” was released (on June 8th). You can hear his transformation in action.

If you pay close attention, you can hear Patton consciously choose to sing in a register and voice that’s much different from the “bratty” voice he used on the official recorded versions. Controlling the tone of his voice, he purposely sings the old songs in a new way. Though sometimes he dips back into his old voice. I find it fascinating. Especially during “Squeeze Me Macaroni” which has been almost completely rearranged in order to avoid the trappings of Patton’s old vocal approach. By the way, you should watch this whole show if you haven’t already. Its one of Bungle’s finest!

Ok, so why the change? Besides the obvious? I know that he was growing as a singer and an artist and all that crap blah blah blah. However, according to the American music press’ tart, bitter brand of glossolalias, I’ve always heard about another, dumber rumor for reason. I think it’s pretty obvious, but it’s awkward to address. I’ll just say it; Anthony Kiedis. There was, and might still be, a feud between the two of them. Though nowadays, it seems to be just Kiedis holding a grudge. According to anthonykiedis.net (the 100% UNofficial fan site dedicated to Anthony Kiedis!) the earliest sign of trouble came right when “Epic” hit it big.

“I watched [their] “Epic” video, and I see him jumping up and down, rapping, and it looked like I was looking in a mirror.” Anthony Kiedis
{‘Red Hot Chili Peppers By The Way The Biography’ by Dave Thompson (page 163)}

At the time, FNM was bigger than the Chili Peppers in Europe, apparently, and Kiedis was worried European audiences would think that HE was “the imitator”. My two cents; Puh-leeze! I remember this “controversy” when it was still fresh. The Chili Peppers have pretty much always been way more popular than FNM here in the States, and it reminded me of another similar situation, only in the world of stand-up comedy.

I’m sure that you, dear reader, have heard of Dennis Leary. He’s a big-time famous comedian and actor guy. When he was first coming up as a stand-up comedian in the late 80s/early 90s, he was accused of stealing material from another comedian named Bill Hicks. If one was to objectively investigate the specific allegations (as I have attempted), you would see that while both have material that touch on similar themes, there is no actual joke thievery. Leary and Hicks both enjoyed jokes about taking a lot of drugs, jokes about smoking a lot of cigarettes, and jokes about how funny it was the way Jim Fix died. I think a similar point could be made about the Kiedis/Patton feud bullshit. Anthony Kiedis did not invent anything, and he certainly wasn’t the first skinny white guy with long hair to rap over rock in tight pants. I remember the general consensus amongst my friends being that in this fight, Kiedis looked like a big pussy. But to be fair, anytime a rock star complains about anything at all, they look like big pussies. The human race agrees on this; if you are blessed with the life of a rock star, your license to bitch is revoked. In fact the more you bitch, the more satisfying your inevitable come-uppance will be to the general public. Check any tabloid for proof of concept.

(And I actually like the Chili Peppers. Up to “BloodSugarSexMagic”. Then, not so much. At least FNM isn’t still excreting sub-par throw-back records every 3-5 years. Oh, and Flea is WAY overrated! But I digress. Anyway…)

3• The singles released for “Angel Dust” confounds America!

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There’s no question about Faith No More’s popularity in America during “The Real Thing’s” heyday. Having never been abroad, (except for the occasional illicit holliday to Tijuana) I don’t know what it’s like when y’all’s local rock radio station falls in love with a particular tune. But in the greater Los Angeles area in 1991, you heard “Epic” approximately twice every five minutes. If that seems mathematically impossible, just keep in mind how fast pop culture eats itself in America. Guitar music was king in the post-ironic 1990s, and bands like Faith No More encouraged the alt-rock scene to swallow it’s own tail at an even faster rate. I’m sorry. It just seemed like an exciting time for rock music! If we only knew…if we only knew…

“Angel Dust’s” first single; “Midlife Crisis” stymied metal-heads who were looking for a sequel to “Epic” and, of course, this was not accidental. Not only that, but “Nevermind” happened between FNM records, so anything other than an Epic- sequel would be viewed as a risky career move by the American music press. Then came “A Small Victory” which was largely ignored. In a world where Pearl Jam, Nirvana, and Stone Temple Pilots were MTV’s chosen ones, there was no room on American rock radio for such an amazingly unique, challenging, keyboard-heavy song.
Anecdotical evidence; 105.5 KNAC, L.A.’s premier hard rock radio station (up until 1994, when it turned into an all Spanish station) refused to play it when I requested it! I remember calling in to the station;
ME: Hey, dude! (it was 1993) It would be rad if you played “A Small Victory” by Faith No More! I love that song!
RADIO DUDE: Yeah, I’ll play some Faith No More…
1 HOUR LATER: “Epic” is played as per my “request”. Bastards!

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2• What album is “Easy” from, again?

“Angel Dust” is a masterpiece from start to finish. So why was “Easy” treated like the album’s red-headed stepchild? If you were not aware, the American version of “AD” ends after “Midnight Cowboy” and the import just has it tacked on at the end (and good luck finding THAT in an American record shop). This wouldn’t have been a big deal, except that “Easy” turned out to be one of the band’s biggest hits! Where was an American fan supposed to find this song in 1993?

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Well, in America, we got the “Songs To Make Love To EP” which is, by far, the weakest release in the band’s history. You get four songs;
Easy – Das Sutchenfest – Let’s Lynch The Landlord – Midnight Cowboy
What a rip-off! Track 1 should have already been on the album, track 4 IS on the album, and tracks 2 and 3 are complete B-Side throwaway garbage! It’s not like there wasn’t other good songs still unreleased at the time. Especially in America! They could have included “As The Worm Turns 92′” or “The World Is Yours” or at least some live stuff, and actually give American fans some bang for their buck. Way to burn the base, guys!

1• Pick a guitar player, please!

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While listening to a live recording from the KFAD era, two thoughts occurred to me. Number one; boy, Dean Menta wasn’t very good. And B; I’m always taken aback by how poorly that record was received here in the US! While “King…” has sold over 1.5 million copies worldwide, the keyword there is “worldwide”. For some reason, America turned their noses up at one of the finest records of the nineties. How come? After careful consideration, the only reason I can think of is the lack of a true replacement for Jim Martin.

I am the proud owner of a 1995 Faith No More calendar. It’s pretty much just a poster book, and it’s pretty sweet. One thing, though. Half of the pictures are of just Jim Martin. I’ll spell it out; Jim was not in the band in 1995! But such was the image of Faith No More in the US.
You have to admit, Martin had an iconic look. And Warner Bros. did a fine job of presenting him as the crunchy-metallic voice of sanity in FNM’s crazy world of new wave and rap-rock. That was great for awhile, but then 1991 ended.

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Trey Spruance could have been the band’s savior if he would have stuck it out. American audiences would have loved him! 1995, ’tis the season of Grunge, and Spruance was the almost too perfect replacement for Big Sick Ugly Jim. Image-wise, Trey’s style, look, and manic stage presence would have, in my opinion, been an improvement over Jim Martin’s stand-there-and-smoke-while-wearing-two-pairs-of-glasses shtick, which In 95′ would’ve been so three years ago. Plus, the guitar parts themselves were much more intricate. More thoughtful, pop-ironic, post-punk, and freed from the shackles of the dreaded ‘heavy metal’ shred label. Basically, Jim Martin could and would never play something like what Trey wrote and played in “Evidence” or “Star A.D.”.

But then the record came out without even a picture of ‘whoever’ was playing guitar! I believe the American audience felt cheated in some way. I know I did. I think this, along with weak media attention, and the band’s typical cooly-detached mystique, combined to form the monster that killed the record in it’s crib.

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As for Dean Menta…I’ll try not to beat up on poor Dean too much… But then again, what are the odds he’ll actually read this? I feel that Faith No More fans took an immediate dislike to Dean because he looked too much like what he was: a lucky roadie. He performed like one, too. While pro-shot footage from the “Angel Dust” tour are as rare as a svelte Texan, I have seen several professional live videos from the Dean era, usually featuring Dean fucking up. Here’s one of my favorite Dean Menta fuck ups:

I’ve never been to Chile, but I know that since it’s in South America, it’s probably hotter than a Devil’s fart. So it must have been a sorry attempt at fashion when Dean Menta came out to perform in Santiago, Chile wearing a hoodie-style sweat jacket. Four songs in, and drenched in flop sweat, as well as regular sweat, Dean decides to remove his jacket IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FRIGGING SONG!! Right after the first chorus of “What A Day” Dean uses the brief four measures of guitar noise before the final verse to attempt the great mid-song jacket-escape! Let’s break it down;

He has about seven seconds to first remove his guitar, then quickly remove his wet, sweaty jacket, and then replace his guitar and rejoin the song in time for the regular guitar riff of the verse. It actually might have been cool if he had pulled it off. He doesn’t, of course. He gets the jacket about half way off when he seems to suddenly realize what a bad idea this was, and there’s no way he’s gonna make it in time. Rather than just accomplish his original goal of removing his goddamn jacket before he dies of heat stroke, and rejoining the song when he’s good and ready, he panics and gets his jacket stuck in his guitar strap. After a short, losing struggle with his crafty coat, he flails and steps on his tangled jacket, which tweaks his chord, and completely unplugs the guitar mid-verse. It’s amateurish and embarrassing. It looks like some half-assed try-out for a Faith No More tribute band, and this guy is not getting the part. To sum up, Dean was a sad, sorry replacement for either Martin or Spruance, and America seems to have rejected this period of the band’s history almost entirely.

So much for not beating up on Dean. Maybe I’m being too hard on him. Then again, I own a copy of his ‘other’ band’s record. The band was called Duh, and the record is called “The Unholy Handjob”. Guess what? It blows.

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When Jon Hudson joined the band, and they came out with “Album Of The Year” I suddenly saw Faith No More on MTV again. “Ashes To Ashes” entered heavy rotation on my local FM rock station, and they were on their way to becoming relevant in American pop music again. Perhaps it was obvious even then than Jon Hudson was the right guitarist for the band? I like to think so, but I’m a big Jon Hudson fan, so I might be a bit biased.

All the pieces were in place in the US, and the American music press was calling “AOTY” a “comeback” and, more importantly, a success! All that was needed now was some big, high profile American touring. However, FNM never seemed interested in a big American tour. They stuck to mid-sized venues, and only hit the rounds once. Since the reunion, they’ve only played a handful of shows on American soil. I guess they’re still angry with us that we didn’t buy very many of their records after 1994. But after getting burned by the “Songs To Make Love To EP” and getting tricked into paying actual cash money to see Dean Menta perform, you can’t be too angry with us.

While I strongly feel that America is ready for Faith No More’s glorious return, something still bugs me. Awhile back, VH1 Classic’s “That Metal Show” was covering the 2009 download festival. During the special, they featured a couple of FNM tunes (I remember “Land Of Sunshine” and “Introduce Yourself” airing, if you were curious). But during one of the show’s many inane conversations, the hosts were comparing multiple bands in some arbitrary and asinine way like a bunch of baked high school sophomores. Someone, I believe it was Eddie Trunk himself, remarked that Faith No More was lacking that night, and that it just “wasn’t the same without Jim Martin”. This is the type of American music press ignorance that has to stop!

I’ll end this editorial rant on top of a soap box; Gentlemen! Kind sirs! In my humble opinion, Faith No More must stop looking for the US to reach out to them! They need to school fools like Eddie Trunk on the greatness of Jon Hudson! America deserves to know that Faith No More are better now than they’ve ever been! Stand up and demand our attention! Tour the United States! Thank you. I now return you to your regularly scheduled Internet.

Originally published on the Faith No More Blog; July 25th, 2012

Fun Facts About Paul Ryan

Paul Ryan Fun Facts!

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HEY KIDS!
By now, I’m sure you’ve heard that Mitt Romney has picked Paul Ryan to be his lovely wedded vice presidential candidate. This is very exciting news for fans of Rage Against The Machine, hillbilly hand fishing, and schadenfreude! But just how much do you know about our new favorite shithead? After literally minutes of painstaking research, I’ve discovered 6 fascinating facts about this cocksucker, and I’ll be presenting them in a misleading and disingenuous fashion (not unlike the way a Republician might). And I will share them with you right…about…

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...wait for it...

NOW!!!

• He was born into wealth.

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Paul Ryan was born on February 31st, 197X to father Nolan, and mother Zorkan The Executioner. The day he was born, the doctors diagnosed him with the rare disability known as “Microphallus” and declared him “legally ugly”. Both of which helped spark and fuel his career as a Republican asshole.

But did you know that while still just a mere changeling, Paul Ryan once served his country? In fact, while serving, his superiors thought so highly of him and his cadaverous, eye-baggy appearance, that they selected him to pilot a top secret war machine!

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...Oh, and by "served his country" and "war machine" we mean "worked for Oscar Meyer" and "Weinermobile" respectively.

Indeed, as a wee college student, Ryan held numerous bullshit jobs, including a stint as, and I’m not making this up; a Wienermobile driver! I may have to look it up again, but if having the world’s biggest weenie drive the world’s biggest wiener around in order to pay for further weenie training isn’t the very definition of irony, then the fact that it’s not, is, in and of itself!

• He’s a big fitness douche.

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"God, I love that man!"

Ryan came home one day and found his father dead of a heart attack. Don’t laugh. He was only 16. Paul, that is. Not his dad. His dad was, like, 50 or something. Whatever. Who cares? Anyway, Ryan’s father, grandfather and great-grandfather all died of heart disease in their 50s. Apparently, being the spawn of maggots and lies is bad for your heart.

So, of course, Ryan grossly overcompensates for this by being a big pain-in-the-ass exercise tosser. He even runs a daily P90X class for unlucky staffers at the congressional gym. Paul Ryan himself is such a big jock rash, that Lotrimin dissolves his very flesh.

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Hahahahahahaha! Fags!

He was even voted biggest “gym rat” by an anonymous “Washingtonian Magazine” poll of congressional staffers with too much idle time at the office. And everyone knows what a pleasure it is to deal with some gym hard-on who not only won’t shut the fuck up about his faggoty regimen, (like, who could possibly give a fucking fuck?) But he also pushes his way of life onto other disinterested people. How Republican of him. I’m sure he’s very popular around the office.

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Wait...Was that sarcasm? Yes, I believe it was.

Ryan claims his mortality has somehow limited his ambitions. Perhaps he hopes that if he’s elected VP, Dick Cheney will see fit to share his collection of robot hearts, and cardiologists with robot hearts.

• He’s just your average Jo(k)e!
A quote from TIME in 2010;
“Half the reason I’m not in leadership is because I don’t want to spend my weekends flying around the country campaigning and raising money. I want to spend my weekends at home with my little ones. The other half of the reason: I like policy over politics.”
Of course you do with policies like yours, you clown! By “politics” he’s referring to having to actually talk to people who don’t already agree with him like your typical republican ditto-head. Most sane people would absolutely detest Ryan’s Budget Plan if most sane people knew what it contained. I suppose word will spread, but let me help you beat the Christmas rush to start hating this asshole. When it comes to health care, he wants everyone under the age of 55 to suck his tiny, tiny cock.

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Really...it's, like, this big...

So what if you’re 50 and you’ve been paying into it for your entire life? Tough titties, grandma! Medicare is too expensive to keep around. Just like you!

• He feeds the hungry…

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…voters for voting for his pal Mitt, committing voter fraud!
AKA; “Sub-Gate”

Am I the only one who remembers this? During the primaries, Romney and Ryan handed out fucking sandwiches to the sheeple who came out and rocked the Republican vote! It turns out that giving voters anything valued over one dollar as an incentive to vote is ILLEGAL! Like, “disqualified” illegal!
I hope those were really good sandwiches! I hope they were really REALLY good fuckin’ sandwiches! Piled high with luncheon loaf made from pressing the flesh of the poor into a “loaf”, sliced thin and slathered with Koch cum, and wrapped in 24karrat gold leaf paper (the same kind used as TP in the Romney household).
All bullshit aside, this was real actual voter fraud! Someone should press charges! Who’s job would that be? Why, it would be the job of Waukesha County, Wisconsin District Attorney Brad D. Schimel (R). Why, is that a Capitol “R” I see after his name? Well, then I’m SURE justice will be served! And by “justice” I mean “sandwiches”.

• He hates a big, spendy government…
…unless it’s a Republican one! Then it’s awesome!

Goddamn those “tax & spend” liberals with their “help the disadvantaged” bullshit! What about me? I’m white and male! Wheres MY free government stuff?! What do ya mean I’m at an advantage over minorities simply by being born white and male?! That’s fuckin’ bullshit, man! I should be a racist! How hard can that be? Do I need to practice being racist? Perhaps… Let’s see… Obama is so black…how black is he? Uh…he’s so black, the cops beat his shadow! Naw, that sucks. How about; He’s so black, that his fried chicken and watermelon smokes crack and collects welfare! Shit…I’m not very good at being racist. Maybe I’m trying too hard. I need to call Ron Paul. If ANYONE knows how to be a huge racist asshole, it’s Ron Paul.

While I practice racism, I feel the need to point out that Paul Ryan’s reputation for being some kind of watchdog for government spending is a hoax and a sham. He’s just like every Repub we’ve seen over the last decade. Oh, he pretends to be a budget hawk. And the lame-stream media of Fux News will back him up. But look at this fucker’s record. It would seem he only pretends to give a shit when it’s a Democrat’s idea. He voted for all of the shit Dubya asked for. He went for TARP, the Auto bailout, and the Big Bank Bailout. That stuff was all a-ok! But Medicare? Or anything else that would benefit the poor? Fuuuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkk YOU!
Paul Ryan was born into wealth. The only private sector job he’s ever had was the family business of grinding homeless children into monocles. He’s never worked a day in his fucking life. Remember that in November.

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"I'm an asshole!"

•He’s just a regular guy…
…in that he’s a complete douchebag with lousy taste in pop culture!

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Various media outlets report that Paul Ryan is a fan of Rage Against The Machine and is a “hunting-obsessed gym rat” who enjoys the activity of ‘hillbilly hand fishing’

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"Hi! I'm Paul Ryan, and this is my friend 'Medicare'!"

Well, of course he’s a big animal murderer (aka hunter). Why, he killed himself a bear when he was only three! That’s just how REAL men lose their virginity. He’s even teaching his 9 year old daughter how to bow-hunt deer! Wow. Until I read that, I used to think the worst thing you could teach your nine year old daughter to do was to cup the balls during fellatio. Boy, is my face red!
Plus, he enjoys the sport of “hand fishing” which I hope we actually get to see him do at some point in the campaign. I’m sorry, but I have zero respect for someone with a billion dollars in the bank who can’t think of anything better to do than murder animals for the fuck of it. Between the two of them, Ryan and Romney have enough dough to finally get “The Running Man” made into a real show, fulfilling the prophesy. If they can afford to play the most dangerous game, and they can, then they’d better put that shit on TV!

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No, seriously. Fuck this guy!

…And now the news. With your trusted news anchor; Mike Heyknobber.

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Good evening. I’m Mike Heyknobber, and here’s tonight’s top stories;

POLICE IN AUSTRALIA SEIZE 1,230 lbs OF CRYSTAL METH & HEROIN!!

Am I the only one who gets really bummed out whenever ya see a news story about a big drug bust? I mean any kind of drug, too. Not just pot or moonshine. Even the addictive ones. Like meth, or heroin, or that new Batman-flavored Mountain Dew!

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I endorse this product!

Whenever I see big drug busts, I just think…man, that sucks for the local drug addicts! I mean, think about it. It’s just gonna raise prices and complicate things for the user. The only rich addicts are the ones on TV and in tabloids. Like Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan, or Skip Lackey. Most are broke as shit! Living hand to mouth, trying to scrimp and save (*sob*) just to get by! And by “get by” I mean “buy drugs”.
The life of a drug addict is as such. You spend all day and/or night either trying to find drugs, or being high on drugs. So not only does overall productivity suffer, but making the drugs harder to get just complicates the inevitable, and drags productivity down even further. These people will get their drugs. Come Hell or high water… They. Will. Get. Their. Drugs.

DEMOCRATS OFFICIALLY ENDORSE GAY MARRIAGE!!

First reaction: Hooray!!! All right! Yes! Soon, I’ll be marrying my life-partner, Bruce! We’ll be sipping Tab while we watch our adopted, liberally- indoctrinated children play in the above ground pool! Located at our palatial Pflugerville, Texas estate slash trailer park… And with not a care in the world!
Second reaction: I hope the Democrats know what they’re doing! This move is politically risky. If the far-right mental patients rally all the other defectives to vote, and all of the new Republician-approved voter suppression laws are in effect…I’ll be a little worried. They’ll probably frame it as something like “A vote for Mitt Romney is a vote for ‘traditional marriage’…a vote for Barak Obama is a vote for two guys touching their penises together.
It’s our job as citizens to not give a shit about two penises touching together. If I see two penises touch together…I’m gonna be, like, “Whatever, man! You guys go ahead and touch your penises together! I get my kicks above the waist! I get high on life!
And meth…
Life and meth!
Mostly meth…
Hey, I’ll touch your penis for some meth!”

WOMAN FINDS RUSTY BLADE INSIDE BAG OF JOLLY RANCHER CANDY

Wow! A ‘Rusty Blade’ bag! Chock-full of…rusty-blady-goodness! You lucky bitch, I just hate you! You’ve just won the litigation lottery!! Just pretend it’s your birthday, and cut at your wrist with it like you do every year.
BAM! Instant millionaire! Just think of all the meth you could buy!
——————–
Ok, wait…wait…that’s not right. This was obviously some terrible, one-of-a-kind mistake and I’m sure they’ll be glad to pay for the pain and suffering you’re in from the gory blade wound you’ve just self-inflic…er… suffered from on your wrist. Just call the company hotline for Hershey’s (the makers of Jolly Ranchers, Highways, and Squirts) and explain the situation. I’m sure you can both agree on a…wuzzat? They offered you three bags of candy? And what else? That’s it?! Three fucking bags of fucking candy?! Ok, then how about you return the deadly blade to the factory in person? Just start swinging that fucker around inside the reception area. You’ll probably get a few bucks for your troubles. Plus, a free car ride home!

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(PROTIP; At that point, prison is your home!)

No, seriously! Three bags of candy?…you fucking cock-sockets! Fuck you, Hershey’s!!

MORE GUNS AT THE MOVIES?!

Some usher at some movie theater in some hick fucking town saw some dale walk into his theater with a gun. The usher promptly, and correctly, shit his pants. He then told his probably fat and sweaty boss. They stopped the movie and announced to the audience that whoever has the gun to stand up.
Three fucking people stood up.

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No, not them, you numbskull! Why I...

No shots were actually fired, sorry. But you wouldn’t be all that surprised if it happened again, would you? This is why the tired old pro-gun argument of “if everyone’s armed, then everyone’s safe” sounds even more ignorant then anyone could have ever anticipated!
It turns out all three armed strangers were carrying permits. Whew! Really ‘dodged a bullet’ there, eh?!
Ya know… That’s the thing about sanity; you must always think it’s an exclusive club! People who bring guns to a movie for any reason are not members of this club. What happened in Colorado was horrible, but I think I’ll go ahead and live life on the razor’s edge and go to the movies unarmed.
Permit or no, bystanders aren’t usually helpful. There’s a crime committed, like, every fucking second of every day. That’s why they report it on the news when it actually goes well! Sorry, but don’t want to be on the news! So keep the fuck away from me and my family, Paul Kersey!

Yeeeeesh!!! I’m so glad I never go to the movies!

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Only the REAL Paul Kersey is allowed to carry a gun, punk!

It’s 4am and I can’t sleep…

It’s 4AM…and I can’t sleep…
The fuck am I doing up? My mind is bleary and full of weird bullshit. You ever have so much going through your mind that you can’t sleep? Well, that’s me.
Fuck it. What’s on TV…
Christfuck!!! Am I the only one who couldn’t give any less of a shit about the goddamn Olympics? As I type this, NBC is showing yet another life story of some asshole swimmer. I hope he goddamn drowns! Oh! There’s Bob Costas! What a suck-ass! Who elected this fag to be the world’s prime-time king-ding representative of sports?

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Eat a large fuck, Costas! You suck Satan's cock!

I heard Costas had plastic surgery. I guess he wanted to look even more plain. Since I avoid looking at him like it might give me a disease, I Googled for before and after pictures.
Bob Costas before:

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Bob Costas after:

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Hmm...he looks good! I'd fuck 'em!

The one Olympic event I’m looking forward to is that Horse Dressage bullshit. It’ll be fun watching Mitt Romney’s retarded wife diddly-dick around with all this incredibly expensive cheese-dick horse dancing! They have a good chance for the gold, but I think they’d be better off if they switched places and the horse rode Ann around as she danced. The local kids could throw peanuts and D-cell batteries at her. Then, the older ones douse her in pigs blood, while the crowd chants satanic incantations! The peasants are gathering around her in a circle to piss on her head and face and… Woah! I’m letting my dark imagination get away from me. I apologize for suggesting someone should urinate on Ann Romney. Though that does paint a funny picture in my head.

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"Giddy-up, bitch!"

I’m having such a great time watching Miit the Twit fuck his campaign all to Hell! I’m laughing while I can, because I’m afraid the Repubs have something nefarious up their slimy sleeves. The game might be rigged. Remember 2000? Dubya didn’t win that one. People were protesting Dubya from day fucking one! And with good reason! Not like those Tea Baggers that just wave signs that say “Obama Am Hitler” and other illiterate half-witticisms. Matter of fact, I don’t think Dubya won in 2004 election. Here, read (or skim) this:

Fucked, isn’t it? I don’t think I’m a crazy conspiracy nut, but then, crazy people never think their crazy, do they?. Rush Limbaugh says all us Liberals are crazy, but I never listen to what a narcotic addict says. They’re crazy! So, In the spirit of being nucking futs, I’m going to play insane. Here’s a few things I “believe” about the big conspiracies that I’d like to share with you (aka: poison your mind!).
—————————–
JFK ASSASSINATION
I’ve heard just as much confusing bullshit about this as you probably have, dear reader.

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Video games have, evidently, reached their logical, inevitable conclusion. Seriously. What the fuck is this?

After sifting through the detritus of JFK horseshit on TV, I believe that Oswald did not act alone. He was the patsy for the real shooters on the grassy knoll. Who was on the grassy knoll?
Martians.

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Back, and to the left... Back, and to the left...

I know, right! The men from Mars killed JFK so as to get…the…thing…
Look, it was fucking Martians, all right?! Theyre in it with the CIA, the FBI, and NAMBLA. Think about it. It explains everything.
EVERYTHING!

——————————————–
THE MOON LANDING WAS FAKE

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If you really want to impress me, play baseball!

The moon landing is fine cinema, isn’t it? It was directed by Stanley Kubrick and produced by Adam Sandler who was preset due to time travel. Oh yeah. They’ve got time travel. Just a moment ago, a CIA time traveler arrived to tell me not to post this. He warned me of the repercussions of revealing so much truth on my blog. So, I aimed my shotgun at him and told him to get of my property. I don’t need no time travelers ’round these parts! Don’t go back and kill Hitler or anything, fuckhead. Come and bug MY ass with this bullshit!
Fucking time travelers, am I right?!

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"Honey? I made it! It's 1928, and all I'm going to do is go to a fucking movie! Honey? Oh, that's right! This is the past! I'll just text her. Geeez, the cell coverage here is shit! Fucking AT&T!"

Oh, about the moon landing. All joking aside, I find it hard to believe we had the technology to accomplish such a thing at that time. Back then, they didn’t have a computer powerful enough to play a good game of Pong, let alone get men safely to the goddamn moon! I’m not the type to try to pick apart the actual film itself, but I do find it bizarre that all the original copies of the movie were “erased”. After a quick google search, I see that NASA is restoring the footage as if it was an old movie being digitally remastered for a Blu Ray release! Pre-order your copy now, and get a free “I’m a gullible dumb-shit!” T-shirt!

———————————–
TACO BELL CONSPIRACY
Taco Bell is purposely trying to give us all painful diarrhea. Think about it. Have you’ve ever eaten at Taco Bell and NOT gotten the shits? Damn them and their delicious Gorditas! Now, whenever I think of Mexican food, my asshole whimpers. I know, little fella. I know… But the fire sauce is soooooo good!

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PROOF! I rest my case.

————————–
CONSPIRACY TO KEEP ME FROM SLEEPING RIGHT NOW
It’s the Martians again. They sent one of their sleep assassins to my house disguised as Mr. T! Only, his skin is bright green. He’s here with a box of cream-filled donuts and a big, green 12 inch Martian cock. He sticks it in one of the creamy donuts, and I put on a bib and sit in a giant high chair…
Shit. I think I’m typing my dreams…wait, I dream of donut sex with a green Mr. T?! What the hell is wrong with me? I’m gonna regret this post. Ugh… Good night…

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Im such a fool, Mr. T... I need to be pitied...

HUSTLER (1975)

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This is a picture of my dad’s rock band from the 70s!

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from L to R
• Randy Knox (guitar)
• Doug Wooldridge (bass)
• Dave Mayberry (lead guitar/Vox)
• Rick Zeferjahn (drums)