What Is Obama’s Plan?

What Is Obama’s Plan?

Boy, that debate was frustrating, wuddinit? Romney came out swinging with his famous trademarked “ZINGERS! ™” and Obama was M.I.A.

I couldn't believe the headlines the next morning!

How could this happen? If you were watching MSNBC, you would have seen Chris Mathews’ eyes roll into the back of his head moments before the explosion. Of his head.

Somewhere in storage, I have an old Ninja Turtle action figure with the same expression on it's face.

His fucking head blew up! So did mine, but I’m feeling much better now. Chris Mathews…well, he still feels like whatever he is. But, hey! What the fuck? Watching Mitt Romney’s campaign implode over the last year-and-a-half has really been a lot of fun! Especially back in the primaries. Everyone knew Mitt was getting the nomination, but the GOP was obviously bummed out by it. They threw every proverbial turd at the wall to see if someone…ANYONE else would stick! They had the dumb racist from Texas. There was the perverted pizza guy who thought “Lybia” was vaginal drapery. Don’t forget the crazy bitch with the gay husband! And not one, but two assholes from TV. All led by the always lovable Newt Fucking Gingrich!

Boy... why can't we just elect them all, huh?

As appealing as they all were, in that they were all as appealing as four years of searing groin pain, It was Mitt’s destiny to lose this election. The fact that Mitt was facing an uphill battle right off the bat will be the way Limbaugh, Fox, and their kind will retroactively spin the debates, the most recent rash of shameless racism, the Republican voter fraud that’s going around, and Mitt’s inevitable loss in November. Unlike how they spun Obama’s uphill battle against all the problems inherited from the previous administration.

Problems like: How do you change your desktop image?

Not only is Mitt Romney a corporate criminal who should be arrested in public, preferably with no pants, crying and sobbing like a bitch because he knows he’s about to go the way of the mighty Maddoff, never to see his loved ones again (“loved ones” in this context being Mitt’s millions of dollars). Not only that, but the Republicans are trying to steal the election. No, really. It’s absolutely true. This isn’t some half baked conspiracy theory bullshit, this is happening to you, right now, to-fucking-day.

Like, for instance, ignore any signs like this.

Have you heard about all of the voter fraud the Republicans have been up to? Of course you have! First, there’s the wonderfully corrupt world of electronic voting machines. I’ve hated these fuckers since 2004, when a bunch of them showed up in Ohio with possibly thousands of votes for Bush already pre-programmed in.

It was the same year that “The Passion Of The Christ” was number one at the box office, just to give you an idea of 2004’s intellectual zeitgeist. It’s also the year the government admitted there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and CBS gave us the feel good story about the horrific, systematic torture of Iraq Prisoners at the fabulous, palatial Abu Ghraib Prison! Now a days, Obama’s on the ropes about some rich asshole’s taxes being too high. How the fuck did Bush ever get reelected? By rigging the electronic voting machines, of course! And they’re getting ready to do it again.

and Obama stayed cool...

Then, the GOP hired an election consulting firm or some such shit, called the Strategic Allied Consulting firm. Anyway, the GOP had to fire the firm recently, and play dumb about their past caught red-fucking-handed record of voter registration fraud, when Strategic Allied Consulting was caught committing…wait for it… voter registration fraud! Wha?!?! Who’d a thunk it?

A proud employee of Strategic Allied Consulting!

Then, I saw this story about a Repub phone phreak making racist and, more importantly, bullshit comments when calling voters in some backward armpit state full of red-neck assholes and old fucks. Probably Florida. Lemmie check… Yep. Florida.

And Obama is, still, cool.

And then I read this, and saw that two stories about electronic voting machine fraud had two states in common, Pennsylvania and Virginia, for a total of 33 electoral votes. Thats more than enough to change an election’s outcome. Ask Al Gore.

Anything, Mitt? Why do I doubt the verisimilitude of that big gay sign?

Did anyone see Obama’s speech yesterday? You know, the one I only saw 15 second soundbites from? Obama suddenly sounded like the guy who was supposed to show up to that debate! Going after Mitt about his Sesame Street comment, and being cool and funny about it! Wow! Is that the same guy?

Yep. Still cool.

Someone famous (who I’m too lazy to Google) once (probably) said; “Politics is chess, not checkers” and that’s what I think we’re seeing here. Mark my words. Someday very soon, the true reason for Obama’s apparent throwing of the first debate will make sense in a bigger picture yet to be seen. Hey! Want my unsubstantiated opinion of what Obama’s plan may be? C’mon! It’s fun, you’ll see! Why would Obama play “Rope-A-Dope” with Mitt Romney during their first debate?

What? Something about Bob Uecker?

Hey, I like Biden. I’d vote for him! But it would seem that some people think of him as an idiot. Probably because the media, desperate for a comedic angle on the man, decided to marginalize Joe with a ‘moron’ label. It’s ok. I understand. Joe seems a bit shot out of a canon. Plus, he drops ‘F’ bombs at inopportune times. So I can see why Obama would possibly be propping up a possible Biden 2016 presidential run. I mean, Obama is still gonna win, and if he doesn’t, the American people will call shenanigans.

Body language experts on FoxNews said nothing of this photo.

Go ahead, America! Underestimate Joe Biden next Thursday! If my hunch is right, that’s exactly what they want you to do! And after Biden cuts Paul Ryan into itty-bitty little asshole-pieces, everyone can talk about how smart and presidential Joe looked, and how much of a chopped-up collection of little asshole pieces Paul Ryan resembled. And when Joe Biden is being sworn in four years from now, I’ll re-post a link to this blog and say I told you so!

Ugh! I’m done. I can’t do it. I can’t stomach politics anymore. I’m empty and tired. It doesn’t matter what I think, and Republicans are pulling out the stops to make my vote just as meaningless as my opinion. I just hope I’m right about this. Obama’s got a plan! Right?

Right?

For more on Paul Ryan, read what I wrote about him when he first got the VP pick HERE.

Fun Facts About Paul Ryan

Paul Ryan Fun Facts!

HEY KIDS!
By now, I’m sure you’ve heard that Mitt Romney has picked Paul Ryan to be his lovely wedded vice presidential candidate. This is very exciting news for fans of Rage Against The Machine, hillbilly hand fishing, and schadenfreude! But just how much do you know about our new favorite shithead? After literally minutes of painstaking research, I’ve discovered 6 fascinating facts about this cocksucker, and I’ll be presenting them in a misleading and disingenuous fashion (not unlike the way a Republician might). And I will share them with you right…about…

...wait for it...

…

NOW!!!

• He was born into wealth.

Paul Ryan was born on February 31st, 197X to father Nolan, and mother Zorkan The Executioner. The day he was born, the doctors diagnosed him with the rare disability known as “Microphallus” and declared him “legally ugly”. Both of which helped spark and fuel his career as a Republican asshole.

But did you know that while still just a mere changeling, Paul Ryan once served his country? In fact, while serving, his superiors thought so highly of him and his cadaverous, eye-baggy appearance, that they selected him to pilot a top secret war machine!

...Oh, and by "served his country" and "war machine" we mean "worked for Oscar Meyer" and "Weinermobile" respectively.

Indeed, as a wee college student, Ryan held numerous bullshit jobs, including a stint as, and I’m not making this up; a Wienermobile driver! I may have to look it up again, but if having the world’s biggest weenie drive the world’s biggest wiener around in order to pay for further weenie training isn’t the very definition of irony, then the fact that it’s not, is, in and of itself!

• He’s a big fitness douche.

"God, I love that man!"

Ryan came home one day and found his father dead of a heart attack. Don’t laugh. He was only 16. Paul, that is. Not his dad. His dad was, like, 50 or something. Whatever. Who cares? Anyway, Ryan’s father, grandfather and great-grandfather all died of heart disease in their 50s. Apparently, being the spawn of maggots and lies is bad for your heart.

So, of course, Ryan grossly overcompensates for this by being a big pain-in-the-ass exercise tosser. He even runs a daily P90X class for unlucky staffers at the congressional gym. Paul Ryan himself is such a big jock rash, that Lotrimin dissolves his very flesh.

Hahahahahahaha! Fags!

He was even voted biggest “gym rat” by an anonymous “Washingtonian Magazine” poll of congressional staffers with too much idle time at the office. And everyone knows what a pleasure it is to deal with some gym hard-on who not only won’t shut the fuck up about his faggoty regimen, (like, who could possibly give a fucking fuck?) But he also pushes his way of life onto other disinterested people. How Republican of him. I’m sure he’s very popular around the office.

Wait...Was that sarcasm? Yes, I believe it was.

Ryan claims his mortality has somehow limited his ambitions. Perhaps he hopes that if he’s elected VP, Dick Cheney will see fit to share his collection of robot hearts, and cardiologists with robot hearts.

• He’s just your average Jo(k)e!
A quote from TIME in 2010;
“Half the reason I’m not in leadership is because I don’t want to spend my weekends flying around the country campaigning and raising money. I want to spend my weekends at home with my little ones. The other half of the reason: I like policy over politics.”
Of course you do with policies like yours, you clown! By “politics” he’s referring to having to actually talk to people who don’t already agree with him like your typical republican ditto-head. Most sane people would absolutely detest Ryan’s Budget Plan if most sane people knew what it contained. I suppose word will spread, but let me help you beat the Christmas rush to start hating this asshole. When it comes to health care, he wants everyone under the age of 55 to suck his tiny, tiny cock.

Really...it's, like, this big...

So what if you’re 50 and you’ve been paying into it for your entire life? Tough titties, grandma! Medicare is too expensive to keep around. Just like you!

• He feeds the hungry…

…voters for voting for his pal Mitt, committing voter fraud!
AKA; “Sub-Gate”

Am I the only one who remembers this? During the primaries, Romney and Ryan handed out fucking sandwiches to the sheeple who came out and rocked the Republican vote! It turns out that giving voters anything valued over one dollar as an incentive to vote is ILLEGAL! Like, “disqualified” illegal!
I hope those were really good sandwiches! I hope they were really REALLY good fuckin’ sandwiches! Piled high with luncheon loaf made from pressing the flesh of the poor into a “loaf”, sliced thin and slathered with Koch cum, and wrapped in 24karrat gold leaf paper (the same kind used as TP in the Romney household).
All bullshit aside, this was real actual voter fraud! Someone should press charges! Who’s job would that be? Why, it would be the job of Waukesha County, Wisconsin District Attorney Brad D. Schimel (R). Why, is that a Capitol “R” I see after his name? Well, then I’m SURE justice will be served! And by “justice” I mean “sandwiches”.

• He hates a big, spendy government…
…unless it’s a Republican one! Then it’s awesome!

Goddamn those “tax & spend” liberals with their “help the disadvantaged” bullshit! What about me? I’m white and male! Wheres MY free government stuff?! What do ya mean I’m at an advantage over minorities simply by being born white and male?! That’s fuckin’ bullshit, man! I should be a racist! How hard can that be? Do I need to practice being racist? Perhaps… Let’s see… Obama is so black…how black is he? Uh…he’s so black, the cops beat his shadow! Naw, that sucks. How about; He’s so black, that his fried chicken and watermelon smokes crack and collects welfare! Shit…I’m not very good at being racist. Maybe I’m trying too hard. I need to call Ron Paul. If ANYONE knows how to be a huge racist asshole, it’s Ron Paul.

While I practice racism, I feel the need to point out that Paul Ryan’s reputation for being some kind of watchdog for government spending is a hoax and a sham. He’s just like every Repub we’ve seen over the last decade. Oh, he pretends to be a budget hawk. And the lame-stream media of Fux News will back him up. But look at this fucker’s record. It would seem he only pretends to give a shit when it’s a Democrat’s idea. He voted for all of the shit Dubya asked for. He went for TARP, the Auto bailout, and the Big Bank Bailout. That stuff was all a-ok! But Medicare? Or anything else that would benefit the poor? Fuuuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkk YOU!
Paul Ryan was born into wealth. The only private sector job he’s ever had was the family business of grinding homeless children into monocles. He’s never worked a day in his fucking life. Remember that in November.

"I'm an asshole!"

•He’s just a regular guy…
…in that he’s a complete douchebag with lousy taste in pop culture!

Various media outlets report that Paul Ryan is a fan of Rage Against The Machine and is a “hunting-obsessed gym rat” who enjoys the activity of ‘hillbilly hand fishing’

"Hi! I'm Paul Ryan, and this is my friend 'Medicare'!"

Well, of course he’s a big animal murderer (aka hunter). Why, he killed himself a bear when he was only three! That’s just how REAL men lose their virginity. He’s even teaching his 9 year old daughter how to bow-hunt deer! Wow. Until I read that, I used to think the worst thing you could teach your nine year old daughter to do was to cup the balls during fellatio. Boy, is my face red!
Plus, he enjoys the sport of “hand fishing” which I hope we actually get to see him do at some point in the campaign. I’m sorry, but I have zero respect for someone with a billion dollars in the bank who can’t think of anything better to do than murder animals for the fuck of it. Between the two of them, Ryan and Romney have enough dough to finally get “The Running Man” made into a real show, fulfilling the prophesy. If they can afford to play the most dangerous game, and they can, then they’d better put that shit on TV!

No, seriously. Fuck this guy!

…And now the news. With your trusted news anchor; Mike Heyknobber.

Good evening. I’m Mike Heyknobber, and here’s tonight’s top stories;

POLICE IN AUSTRALIA SEIZE 1,230 lbs OF CRYSTAL METH & HEROIN!!

Am I the only one who gets really bummed out whenever ya see a news story about a big drug bust? I mean any kind of drug, too. Not just pot or moonshine. Even the addictive ones. Like meth, or heroin, or that new Batman-flavored Mountain Dew!

I endorse this product!

Whenever I see big drug busts, I just think…man, that sucks for the local drug addicts! I mean, think about it. It’s just gonna raise prices and complicate things for the user. The only rich addicts are the ones on TV and in tabloids. Like Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan, or Skip Lackey. Most are broke as shit! Living hand to mouth, trying to scrimp and save (*sob*) just to get by! And by “get by” I mean “buy drugs”.
The life of a drug addict is as such. You spend all day and/or night either trying to find drugs, or being high on drugs. So not only does overall productivity suffer, but making the drugs harder to get just complicates the inevitable, and drags productivity down even further. These people will get their drugs. Come Hell or high water… They. Will. Get. Their. Drugs.

DEMOCRATS OFFICIALLY ENDORSE GAY MARRIAGE!!

First reaction: Hooray!!! All right! Yes! Soon, I’ll be marrying my life-partner, Bruce! We’ll be sipping Tab while we watch our adopted, liberally- indoctrinated children play in the above ground pool! Located at our palatial Pflugerville, Texas estate slash trailer park… And with not a care in the world!
Second reaction: I hope the Democrats know what they’re doing! This move is politically risky. If the far-right mental patients rally all the other defectives to vote, and all of the new Republician-approved voter suppression laws are in effect…I’ll be a little worried. They’ll probably frame it as something like “A vote for Mitt Romney is a vote for ‘traditional marriage’…a vote for Barak Obama is a vote for two guys touching their penises together.
It’s our job as citizens to not give a shit about two penises touching together. If I see two penises touch together…I’m gonna be, like, “Whatever, man! You guys go ahead and touch your penises together! I get my kicks above the waist! I get high on life!
And meth…
Life and meth!
Mostly meth…
Hey, I’ll touch your penis for some meth!”

WOMAN FINDS RUSTY BLADE INSIDE BAG OF JOLLY RANCHER CANDY

Wow! A ‘Rusty Blade’ bag! Chock-full of…rusty-blady-goodness! You lucky bitch, I just hate you! You’ve just won the litigation lottery!! Just pretend it’s your birthday, and cut at your wrist with it like you do every year.
BAM! Instant millionaire! Just think of all the meth you could buy!
——————–
Ok, wait…wait…that’s not right. This was obviously some terrible, one-of-a-kind mistake and I’m sure they’ll be glad to pay for the pain and suffering you’re in from the gory blade wound you’ve just self-inflic…er… suffered from on your wrist. Just call the company hotline for Hershey’s (the makers of Jolly Ranchers, Highways, and Squirts) and explain the situation. I’m sure you can both agree on a…wuzzat? They offered you three bags of candy? And what else? That’s it?! Three fucking bags of fucking candy?! Ok, then how about you return the deadly blade to the factory in person? Just start swinging that fucker around inside the reception area. You’ll probably get a few bucks for your troubles. Plus, a free car ride home!

(PROTIP; At that point, prison is your home!)

No, seriously! Three bags of candy?…you fucking cock-sockets! Fuck you, Hershey’s!!

MORE GUNS AT THE MOVIES?!

Some usher at some movie theater in some hick fucking town saw some dale walk into his theater with a gun. The usher promptly, and correctly, shit his pants. He then told his probably fat and sweaty boss. They stopped the movie and announced to the audience that whoever has the gun to stand up.
Three fucking people stood up.

No, not them, you numbskull! Why I...

No shots were actually fired, sorry. But you wouldn’t be all that surprised if it happened again, would you? This is why the tired old pro-gun argument of “if everyone’s armed, then everyone’s safe” sounds even more ignorant then anyone could have ever anticipated!
It turns out all three armed strangers were carrying permits. Whew! Really ‘dodged a bullet’ there, eh?!
Ya know… That’s the thing about sanity; you must always think it’s an exclusive club! People who bring guns to a movie for any reason are not members of this club. What happened in Colorado was horrible, but I think I’ll go ahead and live life on the razor’s edge and go to the movies unarmed.
Permit or no, bystanders aren’t usually helpful. There’s a crime committed, like, every fucking second of every day. That’s why they report it on the news when it actually goes well! Sorry, but don’t want to be on the news! So keep the fuck away from me and my family, Paul Kersey!

Yeeeeesh!!! I’m so glad I never go to the movies!

Only the REAL Paul Kersey is allowed to carry a gun, punk!