I WAS THE TARGET OF AN INTERNET SCAM!

So this just happened to me. While I was innocently trolling conservatives and Christians on Facebook as my alter ego “Richard Chancre” I recieved a friend request from a woman whom I do not know. She was cute enough, so I accepted.

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She must own one of those fancy picture-in-picture jobs on her TV! Ooh la la!!

Then, right away, she sent me this message:

Christiana Tate – My name is Christiana Tate from the Facebook headquarters based in the USA, I am a Facebook Online Cordinator. How are you doing today?

Me – Hello? Um… what can I do for you?

Christiana Tate – I contacted you because I have good news for you from Facebook. The online draws was conducted by a random selection of emails you were picked by an advanced automated random computer search from the Facebook in other to claim your $950.000.00 the lottery program which is a new innovation by Facebook, is aimed at saying a big thank you to all our users for making Facebook their number one means to connect, communicate, relate and hook up with their families and friends over the years.

Me – OH! You’re some kind of rip-off bullshit bot!

Christiana Tate – This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants and scam artists all participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 20,000 companies and 30,000,000 individuals email addresses from all over the world. This promotional program takes place every three years. You may be rest assured that this is real and legal. There are some scam artists around but thanks to the FBI, 216 of them have been arrested. Hope you understand?

Me – Chew my scrotum, cunt face! Hope you understand?

Christiana Tate – i am your claims officer and i am here to take you through the steps on how you will get your winnings. shall we proceed on the claiming of your winnings?

Me – Sure! I’m an idiot. Let’s play!

Christiana Tate – Sir if you are not careful am gonna disable your account Right now

Me – Did you just now finally figure out that I’m not taking you seriously?

Christiana Tate – yes

Me – Oh. So you’re a real actual person? Who apparently just joined Facebook 15 minuets ago, just to give me a million dollars?

Christiana Tate – yes after you claim your winnings we are gonna disable this account for security purpose

Me – Hmmm… ok… what do I have to do?

Christiana Tate – Firstly, your award is attached to Lucky Number (FB-225-7736), Ticket Number (FB-172-60), Batch Number (FB-0281/544) and Serial Number (99352748-2014)..Note them down now on a safe place and keep its very important

Me – Ok. Then what?

Christiana Tate – You will be required to contact Mr Benjamin Godwin, head for the disbursement department for the claims of your winnings. Send an email to Mr. Benjamin Godwin through this email address now (facebookclaimsdepartments1@outlook.com) with the information about you below:
Full Name:
Contact Address:
Mobile Number:
Occupation:
Marital Status:
Age:
Country of Residence:
Nationality:
Your Email Address:
Lucky Number:
Ticket Number:
Batch Number :
Serial Number:

Me – I don’t know if I’m comfortable with this yet. How can I be sure this isn’t some ploy?

Christiana Tate – Sir this is 100% Legitimate. Send those info now to Mr Benjamin Godwin

Me – You’ve already said that. Can you prove it?

Christiana Tate – One moment Sir
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Me – What is that supposed to be?

Christiana Tate – that’s to show you that this is !00% legitimate

Me – Really? You’ve got to be kidding. Those look like they were put together in Microsoft Paint!

Christiana Tate – Sir are you serious with your winnings

Me – See, that’s what I’m asking you.

Christiana Tate – Shall we continue with your winnings

Me – I’m sorry, but those pictures looked pretty fake. Here, look:

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Me – See? Any knob can do that.

Christiana Tate – Sir should we terminate your winnings or what you seem not to be serious

Me – I’m being very serious. How about an official Facebook website that describes the rules and terms of this lottery? Have you got one of those?

Christiana Tate – Sir if you dont want your winnings tell us lets terminate it

Me – Of course I want a million dollars! But I don’t want to fall for some scam. Now, can you direct me to an official website that has the contest rules so I can read them and know you’re legit, please. Hope you understand?

Christiana Tate –

Me – Hello???? Ms. Scrotum-Chewing Cunt Face? Hellooooooooooooo???

Christiana Tate –

Me – Nothing, eh? I knew it!

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That was a confession, by the way. I admitted having a fake Facebook account that I use just to troll people! His name is Richard. Richard Chancre, and I love him! I turn to him whenever I’m in a shitty mood, and I need to troll some fools. Do not judge me! Nah, fuck it. Go ahead and judge me. I’m ok with it, because if I’m right about this, what I’m doing can’t hold the red velvet pouch that carries the solid brass balls these fucking net scammers have!

See, my alter-Facebook-ego is a very foul-mouthed little asshole. So what he does is, he subscribes to as many shitty Conservative, Christian, and Ammosexual (GREAT new word, by the way) news feeds he can think of. So as to more efficiently smear his vulgar graffiti and feces across the eyes and news feeds of those he feels deserve it most. Sarah Palin? Check. Fox News? Check. Joel Olsteen Ministeries? MotherFUCKING check! The NRA, The Tea Party, I Am A Child Of God, The National Association for Gun Rights, FreedomWorks, I Love The Bible, The New York Post, For America, John Hagee Ministries, The Republican National Committee, Allen West, and Def Leopard? Check.

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Now regular ol’ me does not like ANY of those things, and I’ve been regular ol’ me on Facebook for years, and I have never -EVER- gotten ONE of those fucking phoney-baloney-pony-con-jockeys sending me a goddamned friend request! And then actually engaging me in conversation? Holy shit! The clanking of their balls! It’s deafening!

They must somehow know that If they had tried to get regular me, I would have ended up doing today’s blog post years ago, because I would have reacted to their advances in exactly the same way. Richard was born just a few months ago, and has never had a single Facebook friend in his sad, angry, short little life.

But now he’s finally got one. Gee. I wonder if there’s a connection. I wonder… if these jokers are preying on those people who vote hard Republican. And I wonder if they’re doing it because they think those people are fucking stupid.

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It’s 4am and I can’t sleep…

It’s 4AM…and I can’t sleep…
The fuck am I doing up? My mind is bleary and full of weird bullshit. You ever have so much going through your mind that you can’t sleep? Well, that’s me.
Fuck it. What’s on TV…
Christfuck!!! Am I the only one who couldn’t give any less of a shit about the goddamn Olympics? As I type this, NBC is showing yet another life story of some asshole swimmer. I hope he goddamn drowns! Oh! There’s Bob Costas! What a suck-ass! Who elected this fag to be the world’s prime-time king-ding representative of sports?

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Eat a large fuck, Costas! You suck Satan's cock!

I heard Costas had plastic surgery. I guess he wanted to look even more plain. Since I avoid looking at him like it might give me a disease, I Googled for before and after pictures.
Bob Costas before:

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Bob Costas after:

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Hmm...he looks good! I'd fuck 'em!

The one Olympic event I’m looking forward to is that Horse Dressage bullshit. It’ll be fun watching Mitt Romney’s retarded wife diddly-dick around with all this incredibly expensive cheese-dick horse dancing! They have a good chance for the gold, but I think they’d be better off if they switched places and the horse rode Ann around as she danced. The local kids could throw peanuts and D-cell batteries at her. Then, the older ones douse her in pigs blood, while the crowd chants satanic incantations! The peasants are gathering around her in a circle to piss on her head and face and… Woah! I’m letting my dark imagination get away from me. I apologize for suggesting someone should urinate on Ann Romney. Though that does paint a funny picture in my head.

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"Giddy-up, bitch!"

I’m having such a great time watching Miit the Twit fuck his campaign all to Hell! I’m laughing while I can, because I’m afraid the Repubs have something nefarious up their slimy sleeves. The game might be rigged. Remember 2000? Dubya didn’t win that one. People were protesting Dubya from day fucking one! And with good reason! Not like those Tea Baggers that just wave signs that say “Obama Am Hitler” and other illiterate half-witticisms. Matter of fact, I don’t think Dubya won in 2004 election. Here, read (or skim) this:

Fucked, isn’t it? I don’t think I’m a crazy conspiracy nut, but then, crazy people never think their crazy, do they?. Rush Limbaugh says all us Liberals are crazy, but I never listen to what a narcotic addict says. They’re crazy! So, In the spirit of being nucking futs, I’m going to play insane. Here’s a few things I “believe” about the big conspiracies that I’d like to share with you (aka: poison your mind!).
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JFK ASSASSINATION
I’ve heard just as much confusing bullshit about this as you probably have, dear reader.

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Video games have, evidently, reached their logical, inevitable conclusion. Seriously. What the fuck is this?

After sifting through the detritus of JFK horseshit on TV, I believe that Oswald did not act alone. He was the patsy for the real shooters on the grassy knoll. Who was on the grassy knoll?
Martians.

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Back, and to the left... Back, and to the left...

I know, right! The men from Mars killed JFK so as to get…the…thing…
Look, it was fucking Martians, all right?! Theyre in it with the CIA, the FBI, and NAMBLA. Think about it. It explains everything.
EVERYTHING!

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THE MOON LANDING WAS FAKE

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If you really want to impress me, play baseball!

The moon landing is fine cinema, isn’t it? It was directed by Stanley Kubrick and produced by Adam Sandler who was preset due to time travel. Oh yeah. They’ve got time travel. Just a moment ago, a CIA time traveler arrived to tell me not to post this. He warned me of the repercussions of revealing so much truth on my blog. So, I aimed my shotgun at him and told him to get of my property. I don’t need no time travelers ’round these parts! Don’t go back and kill Hitler or anything, fuckhead. Come and bug MY ass with this bullshit!
Fucking time travelers, am I right?!

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"Honey? I made it! It's 1928, and all I'm going to do is go to a fucking movie! Honey? Oh, that's right! This is the past! I'll just text her. Geeez, the cell coverage here is shit! Fucking AT&T!"

Oh, about the moon landing. All joking aside, I find it hard to believe we had the technology to accomplish such a thing at that time. Back then, they didn’t have a computer powerful enough to play a good game of Pong, let alone get men safely to the goddamn moon! I’m not the type to try to pick apart the actual film itself, but I do find it bizarre that all the original copies of the movie were “erased”. After a quick google search, I see that NASA is restoring the footage as if it was an old movie being digitally remastered for a Blu Ray release! Pre-order your copy now, and get a free “I’m a gullible dumb-shit!” T-shirt!

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TACO BELL CONSPIRACY
Taco Bell is purposely trying to give us all painful diarrhea. Think about it. Have you’ve ever eaten at Taco Bell and NOT gotten the shits? Damn them and their delicious Gorditas! Now, whenever I think of Mexican food, my asshole whimpers. I know, little fella. I know… But the fire sauce is soooooo good!

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PROOF! I rest my case.

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CONSPIRACY TO KEEP ME FROM SLEEPING RIGHT NOW
It’s the Martians again. They sent one of their sleep assassins to my house disguised as Mr. T! Only, his skin is bright green. He’s here with a box of cream-filled donuts and a big, green 12 inch Martian cock. He sticks it in one of the creamy donuts, and I put on a bib and sit in a giant high chair…
Shit. I think I’m typing my dreams…wait, I dream of donut sex with a green Mr. T?! What the hell is wrong with me? I’m gonna regret this post. Ugh… Good night…

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Im such a fool, Mr. T... I need to be pitied...