Gene Simmons Is A Rancid Douche

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Want to know one of my deepest, darkest secrets?

I like KISS.

No, not the candy-assed post-makeup KISS! I’m talking the original line up with Ace and the Cat guy, what’s it… Trevor I think it was, may he rest in peace. I was born a little late to enjoy their heyday, but I caught a reunion show. It was a lot of fun, and I feel like I have a better understanding of what it might have been like in the 70s. Only the 70s version of the band’s crass commercialism must seem quaint by today’s standards.

And I’m convinced it’s almost entirely Gene Simmons’ fault.

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Gene Simmons will seemingly do anything for a buck. He has no moral compass, no sense of artistic integrity, and worst of all, he’s a shitty bass player. He’s the second-worst musician in a band where that’s no small feat.

None of that is news. Even Gene knows this. People have said this to his face-like-thing and he always retorts with something about how much money he has. In YOUR face-like-thing, losers! As if that somehow refutes the point.

The point was, is, and always will be: Gene Simmons is a whore.

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…AND he’s hiring!

He’s teamed up with a new marketing firm, and together they’ve hatched a bold, brilliant new idea: Having no idea! They’re instead going to “crowdsource” it on Twitter and the like. Or in other words: “Fuck it! Throw it to the idiots!”

Here’s how The Hollywood Reporter…um, reported it:

“‘The Kiss frontman is asking content creators and fans how the band should celebrate “in the most epic way possible.”‘

Oh boy. I’ve always wanted a job in marketing. It’s in my all-time top three most wanted jobs! Right above “Dog Food Ingredient” and below “Pussy Inspector”. And I already have a T-shirt that says “Dog Food Ingredient”.

“‘Gene Simmons is looking for help celebrating the 40th anniversary of Kiss.”‘

Might I suggest you celebrate with a self-inflicted shotgun blast to your hideous, surgically-deformed face, you fucking whore?

“‘The rocker announced Wednesday night that Kiss is launching a campaign on Tongal — a company that pairs creatives and brands to crowdsource the pitch-and-development process — asking content creators and fans to submit their best ideas for “how Kiss should celebrate their 40th anniversary in the most epic way possible.”‘

This “rocker” (if I may use the term so loosely) is actually working (if I may use THAT term so loosely) with a marketing company to solicit ideas from his everyday, rump-de-dump, “who the fuck are they?” dip-shit fans! What? Is he too busy tounging Donald Trump’s finely bleached anus live on “Fox & Friends” to have any kind of social media presence? Or maybe he could, I don’t know, hire people who normally get paid for their ideas to come up with an idea other than “have random people do it”? Maybe I should tweet that idea to these empty suits?

“‘Typically, Tongal’s brand campaigns involve ideation and pitch processes before moving on to an execution stage where a commercial or campaign is produced. Past projects have included a Star Wars-inspired commercial for Pringles and a Speed Stick ad that aired during the 2013 Super Bowl.”‘

They even admit that, typically, marketeers at least try to come up with new ideas in order to earn their paycheck. Also typically, if you ever ask what random assholes on the internet want to see, the only suitable-for-broadcast idea in their top 100 will be “Star Wars”. What outside-the-box thinkers we have here.

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Or maybe he could go on that one piece of shit crime show with the NYPD Blue loser? WE NEED IDEAS HERE, PEOPLE!!

Hey, what if there was a commercial where Gene Simmons was being viciously sodomized by Darth Vader in the dining room of a Taco Bell? Then Darth could say “Gene…make a run…for the border…” and Gene would then drop to his knees and recieve a (tastefully shot) guacamole facial! Then you could put “God Of Thunder-ous Diarrhea” on the drink cups or some shit. How’s that idea? Did I win? Am I rich yet? I’m sure If Taco Bell believed that commercial would make you more likely to laugh in the face of dysintary and eat a Cheesy Gordita Crunchwrap Supreme, Gene would be totally willing to negotiate the price.

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To watch the full UNCENSORED version of this video, click HERE!!!

“‘But the Kiss project is part of a new service called Left Field, which allows brands to reach out to creators and fans through a 140-character social media call-to-action to help brainstorm ideas. “‘

Wow! What a great idea that you totally couldnt already do right now! Isn’t that right, Twitter account for Tide detergent?

‘”We’ve always been about the fans,” Simmons tells THR.”‘

Then, after an arresting fit of the giggles subsided, the “rocker” continued:

‘”Tongal allows our fans to throw out ideas, and you know you’re going to make something authentic.”‘

“Throw out” is exactly right. Mark my words: You will not be properly compensated. They later go on to say you might, but I’m calling bullshit. What if you tweet a really great idea to these clowns, they use it, and make a gajilillion dollars as a direct result? What would you get? A couple thousand bucks and the pride in knowing that you got as bent over and fucked as any of Paul Stanely’s STD-riddled groupies? Gee, thanks “rocker“. Glad I could be of fucking help.

“‘He adds that the crowdsourcing process at Tongal is not that different from the collaboration within a band.”‘

Is he saying he needs random yahoos from the internet to help write their next album or something? Because I would love to be proven wrong, and this whole idea can somehow actually become even sadder. Schadenfreudegasim!

‘”One person doesn’t play every instrument. You contribute where you’re skilled.”‘

“…and we obviously suck at marketing. Wait, no we don’t. It’s the music we suck at! What am I talking about? What the fuck am I doing?”

Oh, and one person can play every instrument.

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Just because you lack skills, Gene, dosen’t mean everyone else does. I know this might come as a shock to a self-important jackass such as yourself, but it turns out you’re not the greatest man in the history of ever. In fact, you rank somewhere between Sean Hannity and Ted Neugent, and that’s pretty fucking low.

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"...and coming up after the break, we'll hear Sebastian Bach's thoughts on the debt ceiling!"

“‘Simmons announced the campaign as part of his appearance at Tongal’s inaugural award show the Tongies, which was held April 2 at the El Rey Theatre. He handed out the award for best Best Original Song used in a campaign. Other awards included Best Broadcast Spot, Best Comedy, Best Idea and Video of the Year. “‘

Ooooh! Isn’t that exciting! I’m sure all the brightest stars of Tinsletown turned out for this gala event! As a big-time “rocker” you must meet lots of famous and interesting people. So tell me, “rocker“, is the Geico lizard as nice as he seems in real life? Did you tag-team Flo from the Progressive ads with Toucan Sam? Did you score any blow off of Speedy The Alka-Seltzer? Yeah, you suck.

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The guy makes Howard Stern look like Mark Twain.

This article does not say who won each of these catergories, and I fucking refuse to look it up, so let’s immediately date this blog post and make some predictions.

Best Original Song used in a campaign – “Pepto-Bismol Enema (Sha Na Na)” by Gene Simmons

Best Broadcast Spot – “Pringles Can Stuck On Dong” by Pringles

Best Comedy – “The Lego Movie” by Warner Bros.

Best Idea – “KISS” by Gene Simmons

Video of the Year – “2 Girls, 1 Cup, & A Gene Simmons” by 3 Sickening Prostitutes LLC.

“‘Creatives who participate in Tongal’s projects get paid if they submit winning ideas. This year, Tongal expects to pay more than $15 million to its community.”‘

Oh, is that what they “expect”? What horseshit. I ask again: what if the idea I submit makes your company millions of dollars? Do I hit the $15 million creativity jackpot? Would I even qualify as a “Creative” under contest rules? Would any actualy creative people ever participate in this fucking bullshit? And if a tree falls in the forrest, does Gene Simmons get a royality? The answer to all these questions is: “…maybe?

“‘Tongal co-founder and president James DeJulio says the Kiss campaign represents an opportunity for brands to use the platform to engage fans.”‘

Hey, do you know what else is a really good platform for reaching KISS fans? A literal fucking platform. You know, the kind that KISS can play on. They could set up all their gear, turn it up really loud, and reach thousands and thousands of people who just happen to already be KISS fans. It wouldn’t appear that they thought of that, though. Hey, maybe I should tweet that?!

‘”Like any great brand, Kiss’ fans have supported them and been a part of their lives forever,” he adds. “This campaign creates another deep connection with the band.”‘

Wait, I think there’s a typo in there. Either “brand” or “band” is inncorrect. It should be the same word both times, but I’m not sure which one. Probably “Brand”.

Fucking whore…

I’m not sure how I should end this piece. Hey, lets “crowdsource” it! What do YOU think? How should I end this post? Should I just end it by calling Gene Simmons a “fucking whore” again? Should I post a picture of Gene Simmons holding a crudely drawn dick to his mouth? Or should it just end abruptly, with no

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You were right again, Internet. You always are.

Bill Cunningham Is A Racist

It’s been almost a year since I’ve blogged about anything. Sorry, but I’ve been out on a nine month hiking trip through the GumDrop Candy Forest. Well, it started out as a hiking trip. I went to one of Mr. Goodbar’s infamous gingerbread house parties and, long story short, I knocked up a Gummi Bear. Or so I thought. Nine months later, the kid came out half caramel.

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Slut!

If only I’d had the foresight and lack of self respect to call one of those daytime talk shows for one o’ dem lie detector tests to justify my self loathing!

Daytime talk shows are quite formulaic. Jerry Springer, Maury Povich, Steve Wilkos, Bill Cunningham, Trisha Goddard, and the soon to be cancelled Jeremy Kyle all have the same show. Fucked-up people go on TV and look like fucked-up people in order to make the home viewer feel better about themselves.

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Sure, your useless, unemployed ass is at home at 1pm watching TV, but at least you're not as fucked-up as these losers!

I enjoy these shows because, frankly, I enjoy the misery of others. Who doesn’t? However, there is one daytime show that’s way WAY worse than any of the others. No, not Dr. Oz. Great guess, though! Thanks for playing! No, I’m talking about…

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Bill Cunningham.

This hideous golem doesn’t just have a sub-par TV show where he talks down to black people. He also has a sub-par AM radio talk show where he talks down to everyone! On his radio show, he’s been heard to say stuff like:

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“…(Barack Obama’s) father was a typical black father who, right after the birth, left the baby. That’s what black fathers do. They simply leave.”

After careful consideration (aka: overthinking it), I am convinced that this man is such a racist bigot, he actually started a TV show to not only get ratings and make money like his daytime contemporaries, but to also back up his own disgustingly racist and bigoted views about black people! Kind of like a less subtle Pat Robertson.

And I’m saying he almost exclusively features only crazy, shouting black people on his show. Like, more than the average shit-ass talk show. Seriously. Flip channels and check once in awhile. They are almost always black, and they’re rarely not yelling.

If you enjoyed the above video, you’ll love this charming bit from his radio show. Back in 2003, a black man named Nathaniel Jones was beaten to death by Cincinnati cops. Jones was 400 pounds of angel dust-fueled insanity, and the cops just went whack-a-mole on his ass. Preliminary autopsy results (as reported by Fox News) showed that he may not have died from the severe beating, but from heart failure due to his girth and the ridiculous amount of PCP in his body. Too bad the whole thing was caught on video, and the black community got pissed off about it. The cops looked bad once again, and the whole thing was just sad. Not technically a “tragedy”, but still sad. Therefore I have no jokes about it. I just don’t see it as an especially humorous event. However, handsome media superstar Bill Cunningham thought it was the perfect subject to write a wacky song about! Everybody sing along!

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“The fat man ever after has a martyr’s place/ Let’s all ignore whatever drugs he had…His death was unrelated to his injuries but still we hear the people sing police brutality/ lies go on bro la la how the lies go on.”

Tee-fucking-hee. This is the same Bill Cunningham that now has a show featuring African-American guests that he and his producers help make look like Hustler magazine cartoons, and he scolds them about their personal family relationship problems. Being a guest on this bigot’s show would be like getting a blow job in a public men’s room through a hole in a “God Hates Fags” sign.

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This man is a racist.

Fox’s story about it:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/2003/12/01/man-death-in-fight-with-cincinnati-cops-probed/

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Fox News! We distort...You decry!

—–FOX NEWS ALERT!!—–

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SHOCKING NEWS! BILL CUNTINGHAM HATES OBAMA!

It would stand to reason that Bill would hate the president. Not only is Obama black (or black enough for Bill to hate) but apparently, if you have an AM talk radio show, it’s required by FCC regulations that you do nothing but talk shit on Obama. Media trail blazer Bill Cunningham never strays from the established tropes of the medium he’s working in. Got an AM radio talk show? That’s easy! Do the ol’ Limbaugh shtick! Got a daytime TV talk show? No problem! Do the ol’ Maury shtick! Bill Cunningham is so derivative and creatively bankrupt, Hollywood producers masturbate to his show transcripts.

Here’s a fun quote from The Bill Cunningham Radio Show where Bill accuses The President Of The United States Of America of wanting to “gas the Jews”.

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During the October 30 broadcast of his Cincinnati-based radio show, Bill Cunningham asked “Randy Furman,” a fictional Jewish character voiced by fellow WLW-AM host Scott Sloan: “Did you hear about this [Columbia University professor of Middle East studies Rashid] Khalidi tape where [Sen. Barack] Obama is toasting a guy who wants to gas and fry Jews? … This Obama guy loves the PLO [Palestinian Liberation Organization]. Can’t you figure that out?” Cunningham later added, “Jews for [Sen. John] McCain because Obama wants to gas the Jews, like the PLO wants to gas the Jews, like the Nazis gassed the Jews. You got Obama introducing Arab terrorists, and the L.A. Times won’t release the story.”

Holy shit! At least Glenn Beck was honest enough with his audience to say his kooky Nazi bullshit on both his radio and TV shows. Bill tries to fool his TV audience by disguising his bigotry within a simulacrum of the typical paint-by-numbers daytime format. The racism is definitely still there if you know to look for it. Now you do. You’re welcome.

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“I guess the L.A. Times still has that tape on Khalidi, and they don’t release it because it’s injurious to the interest of Obama. Can you imagine if the media had a tape of maybe John McCain at a Ku Klux Klan rally or at an abortion-clinic benefit and he’s standing there toasting the guy who bombed the abortion clinic, and the L.A. Times wouldn’t release it?”

Sure. I’d imagine the media coverage for a presidential candidate participating at a fucking Clan rally would be vastly different than the coverage of a senator toasting an American university professor. Probably because one of these things doesn’t involve anything particularly newsworthy, and the other one would involve celebrated war hero John McCain participating at a fucking KKK rally! It’s like comparing apples and date rape. Good eye, Bill. Nice job.

Oh, and notice how he played the KKK card? Have I mentioned that this man is a racist?

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This man is a racist.

If you need a non-racial/non-political reason to avoid this grotesque human hemorrhoid, try this:

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Cunningham’s WLW show (in Cincinnati) went on a brief hiatus in June 2010 due to a contract dispute. Soon after, WLW’s owner, Clear Channel, announced that he signed a long-term agreement to stay with the station. In released remarks commenting on his decision, Cunningham said, “Cincinnati is my home. The first air I breathed. The first milk I drank was from Cincinnati. Others may have come as carpetbaggers to loot the Queen City and then move on. Willie will remain true.”

Hey, at least he’s loyal! He’s proud to have been born in Cincinnati, Ohio (he said it was “the first air he breathed”) and he don’t take kindly to carpetbaggers trying to fuck with his home town!

Bill Cunningham was born in Covington, Kentucky

Oh, well, fuck that all to Hell! Never mind.

“Cunningham was one of four children and has described his father as an abusive alcoholic who left the family when Cunningham was 11.”

Gee, Bill. I didn’t know you were half black.

In all seriousness, that’s actually pretty sad. I wish I could help. If only…hey wait! I just got a great idea for the next episode of Bill’s TV show! Quickly! To the DeLorean! We need to give Bill’s dad a lie detector test!

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