Answering The Unanswerable; 8 Philosophical Questions Get Their Asses Kicked In The Teeth!

I found this article on i09, and it got me thinking. Or, at least it got me thinking about something other than Kat Denning’s luscious titties, if only momentarily.

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Pictured: Possible proof of God.

I’m bored, and up past my bedtime, so I’ve decided to try and answer these so-called “unanswerable” philosophical questions. I thought it was actually pretty easy, but I’m really smart and junk. Irregardless, check out how smartastic I am!

• Why is there something rather than nothing?
This is an easy one. Existence exists because it must. In fact, if everything was nothing, then nothing would become something by default. Dude! Did I just blow your fucking mind?! No? Oh. Well, then…moving on…

• Is our universe real?
Isn’t this basically the same question? If the universe is fake, then everything would actually be nothing? Perhaps this would make more sense if I was totally baked?

• Do we have free will?
Do I have to answer that?

• Is there a God?

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Only if you think there is.

• Is there life after death?
Only dead people know the answer to this one, and they ain’t talkin’.

All bullshit aside, I have a theory about this. Hear me out. I believe that when you die, your mind’s final thought is your afterlife, and to you, it seems like an eternity. Why not? It makes more sense than most other crapola theories I’ve heard about this! Allow me to elaborate;

Have you ever had a dream that seemed to take longer than it really did? For example, let’s say you fall asleep at midnight. You proceed to have a really vivid dream where you and the redhead from “That 70’s Show” fly naked through a seemingly endless series of technicolor vaginas, battling sentient chess pieces with laser dildos.

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Or, you know, something to that effect.

You suddenly wake up right as Batman starts ejaculating on an Atari 5200 with your father’s face, and you look at the clock by your bed…

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1:30? But it seems like hours have passed!

That’s what I’m talking about. I think it’s possible that you simply dream an afterlife that feels like an eternity in your last seconds of life. And your subconsciously held religious beliefs dictate the quality of your great reward. Shit. I should start a religion! I’ll show Mitt Romney how to avoid paying taxes like a pro!

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"Taxes are for peasants!"

Besides, Heaven would have to be an intensely personal experience, wouldn’t it? As they say; one man’s Heaven is another man’s Hell. I’m sure all of those judgmental, book-burning, sanctimonious religious ratcunts think they’re going to Heaven. And it would stop being Heaven the moment they arrived.

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Aw, shit! There goes the neighborhood.

This theory would also explain near-death experiences. When those people describe doing stuff like floating over their body, and kickin’ it old school with their great-great grandfather and/or Soupy Sales, they’re just describing their mad death-dream.

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Bukaki!

Ultimately, it’s impossible to know what happens when you die until you do it. Anyone who tries to convince you that they somehow know otherwise is a charlatan and a manipulative liar! So remember, kids! Believe in agnosticism! No matter how contradictory and asinine that statement may seem!

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I really hope you don't become a ghost when you die! Judging by all of those ghost-tracking cable shows, that's an impotent and pathetic existence. And being a ghost would suck too! BOO!!

• Can you really experience anything objectively?
Sure! I do that every time I turn on the radio. Or whenever Mitt Romney speaks. Or when I watch a movie, or a TV show, or even a porno. Besides, what’s the alternative? And how can you objectively observe objectivity, anyway? This isn’t so much a philosophical question than it is a stupid one.

• What is the best moral system?
What, you mean, like, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you” and all that? Hmmm… I’ve got an even more ideal idea! How about;
“Ass, gas, or grass… No one rides for free!”
Or maybe;
“With great power, comes great responsibility!”
Or;
“Tobacco is whacko (if you’re a teen)!”
I’ve got more! Morality lightning round: GO!
“Hit it and quit it!”
“If at first you don’t succeed, masturbate!”
“It’s a choice, not a child (yet)!”
“Always ask permission before you ejaculate in someone’s hair!”
“You can prick your finger, but don’t finger your prick!”
“Stop fucking with your iPhone when I’m talking to you, goddamnit!”
“Eat shit and bark at the moon!”
“Never mix Lucky Charms and ranch dressing!”

…sorry. I got carried away. Yeah, “Do unto others…” works. I imagine I’ll go to Heaven that way. Get it? I ‘imagine’ I’ll go…? *rim-shot*

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• What are numbers?
I don’t have any scientific research to back this up, but I’ll go out on a limb and guess that numbers were most likely invented to count stuff. Numbers are just a human invention. A brilliant invention, but an invention none the less. You’ve gotta be able to count stuff like time, in order to monitor your own decay. That’s why they will never invent a time machine. There’s really no such thing as time. We made that up too. It’s not an observable, natural phenomenon. Like gravity, or electricity, or morning wood. You can’t control what does not exist. But we can dream…

What do you think, dear reader? If you leave a comment, I personally guarantee* you will go to Heaven!

*Offer void to residents of Utah, Texas, and Gotham City. Winner must pass credit check before a lease is offered. Must be 18 or over. When in Heaven, don't pester Elvis.

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Now where was I? Oh...yeah... Seriously. Google "Kat Dennings nude". Spectacular!

It’s 4am and I can’t sleep…

It’s 4AM…and I can’t sleep…
The fuck am I doing up? My mind is bleary and full of weird bullshit. You ever have so much going through your mind that you can’t sleep? Well, that’s me.
Fuck it. What’s on TV…
Christfuck!!! Am I the only one who couldn’t give any less of a shit about the goddamn Olympics? As I type this, NBC is showing yet another life story of some asshole swimmer. I hope he goddamn drowns! Oh! There’s Bob Costas! What a suck-ass! Who elected this fag to be the world’s prime-time king-ding representative of sports?

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Eat a large fuck, Costas! You suck Satan's cock!

I heard Costas had plastic surgery. I guess he wanted to look even more plain. Since I avoid looking at him like it might give me a disease, I Googled for before and after pictures.
Bob Costas before:

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Bob Costas after:

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Hmm...he looks good! I'd fuck 'em!

The one Olympic event I’m looking forward to is that Horse Dressage bullshit. It’ll be fun watching Mitt Romney’s retarded wife diddly-dick around with all this incredibly expensive cheese-dick horse dancing! They have a good chance for the gold, but I think they’d be better off if they switched places and the horse rode Ann around as she danced. The local kids could throw peanuts and D-cell batteries at her. Then, the older ones douse her in pigs blood, while the crowd chants satanic incantations! The peasants are gathering around her in a circle to piss on her head and face and… Woah! I’m letting my dark imagination get away from me. I apologize for suggesting someone should urinate on Ann Romney. Though that does paint a funny picture in my head.

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"Giddy-up, bitch!"

I’m having such a great time watching Miit the Twit fuck his campaign all to Hell! I’m laughing while I can, because I’m afraid the Repubs have something nefarious up their slimy sleeves. The game might be rigged. Remember 2000? Dubya didn’t win that one. People were protesting Dubya from day fucking one! And with good reason! Not like those Tea Baggers that just wave signs that say “Obama Am Hitler” and other illiterate half-witticisms. Matter of fact, I don’t think Dubya won in 2004 election. Here, read (or skim) this:

Fucked, isn’t it? I don’t think I’m a crazy conspiracy nut, but then, crazy people never think their crazy, do they?. Rush Limbaugh says all us Liberals are crazy, but I never listen to what a narcotic addict says. They’re crazy! So, In the spirit of being nucking futs, I’m going to play insane. Here’s a few things I “believe” about the big conspiracies that I’d like to share with you (aka: poison your mind!).
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JFK ASSASSINATION
I’ve heard just as much confusing bullshit about this as you probably have, dear reader.

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Video games have, evidently, reached their logical, inevitable conclusion. Seriously. What the fuck is this?

After sifting through the detritus of JFK horseshit on TV, I believe that Oswald did not act alone. He was the patsy for the real shooters on the grassy knoll. Who was on the grassy knoll?
Martians.

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Back, and to the left... Back, and to the left...

I know, right! The men from Mars killed JFK so as to get…the…thing…
Look, it was fucking Martians, all right?! Theyre in it with the CIA, the FBI, and NAMBLA. Think about it. It explains everything.
EVERYTHING!

——————————————–
THE MOON LANDING WAS FAKE

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If you really want to impress me, play baseball!

The moon landing is fine cinema, isn’t it? It was directed by Stanley Kubrick and produced by Adam Sandler who was preset due to time travel. Oh yeah. They’ve got time travel. Just a moment ago, a CIA time traveler arrived to tell me not to post this. He warned me of the repercussions of revealing so much truth on my blog. So, I aimed my shotgun at him and told him to get of my property. I don’t need no time travelers ’round these parts! Don’t go back and kill Hitler or anything, fuckhead. Come and bug MY ass with this bullshit!
Fucking time travelers, am I right?!

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"Honey? I made it! It's 1928, and all I'm going to do is go to a fucking movie! Honey? Oh, that's right! This is the past! I'll just text her. Geeez, the cell coverage here is shit! Fucking AT&T!"

Oh, about the moon landing. All joking aside, I find it hard to believe we had the technology to accomplish such a thing at that time. Back then, they didn’t have a computer powerful enough to play a good game of Pong, let alone get men safely to the goddamn moon! I’m not the type to try to pick apart the actual film itself, but I do find it bizarre that all the original copies of the movie were “erased”. After a quick google search, I see that NASA is restoring the footage as if it was an old movie being digitally remastered for a Blu Ray release! Pre-order your copy now, and get a free “I’m a gullible dumb-shit!” T-shirt!

———————————–
TACO BELL CONSPIRACY
Taco Bell is purposely trying to give us all painful diarrhea. Think about it. Have you’ve ever eaten at Taco Bell and NOT gotten the shits? Damn them and their delicious Gorditas! Now, whenever I think of Mexican food, my asshole whimpers. I know, little fella. I know… But the fire sauce is soooooo good!

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PROOF! I rest my case.

————————–
CONSPIRACY TO KEEP ME FROM SLEEPING RIGHT NOW
It’s the Martians again. They sent one of their sleep assassins to my house disguised as Mr. T! Only, his skin is bright green. He’s here with a box of cream-filled donuts and a big, green 12 inch Martian cock. He sticks it in one of the creamy donuts, and I put on a bib and sit in a giant high chair…
Shit. I think I’m typing my dreams…wait, I dream of donut sex with a green Mr. T?! What the hell is wrong with me? I’m gonna regret this post. Ugh… Good night…

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Im such a fool, Mr. T... I need to be pitied...

Reason # 1 Living In Oregon Sucks (part 3)

As I’ve perviously stated, I’ve moved around… For awhile I lived in Texas, which by the way, FUCK me it was hot! You do not know the true meaning or feeling of “Swamp Ass” until you spend a summer in central Texas wallowing in your own foul gravy. Basting your salty nut-sac until it’s a perfect 100000 degrees. “Mmmm! Who brought the ham salad, y’all!”

Oh… And the indigenous people of Texas are BIG fat fucks! Whoever first said “…everything’s bigger in Texas!” must have been being sat on by a big fat fuck, like, from the side on the victim’s pelvis. Soon, the Fat Texan starts to lightly bounce up and down. The victim starts to feel their insides touch, zapping nerves with deep internal pain after every fatty heave. Internal hemorrhaging and organs that have never touched before seemingly having orgies of pain to match the orgy of humiliation and cracking bones. Judging from the pain, maybe these internal organs should be segregated. How ironic since Texas is know for championing the concept of segregation.

But, Yeah yeah, that bullshit goes double for their goddamn asses! They’re big. I don’t care if someone else has made that joke before, I’ve seen it, and it’s all too true. Just watch any given episode of “Texas Storage Wars” and play a game of Spot The Svelte Guy. Better yet, make it a drinking game. You could play it at an AA meeting.

But the music was good, and the people were nice. Which is more than I can say for these asshole shit-headed hacks in Eugene, Or. Too harsh? Then you live here if you’re so great. Speaking of the local folks:

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Just imagine whatever he's saying in the voice of sling blade

No no, you don’t understand. They’re fucking weird! It’s hard to explain, but they’re so…odd. Unknowable. Under the hippie veneer, is a mean-spirited and judgmental soul of a snake, and they don’t take kindly to strangers.

Of all the places I’ve been, they seem to have the most quiet, serial killer-types per capita.the populous is mad up mostly of Steve Wilkos guests. Lots of drinking, yelling, tweekin, cracked TCRI cans for people.

For instance: I don’t know why, but I’ve met more abusive couples here than anywhere else I’ve ever lived. It’s ok though… They hit each other, see. It seems to always goes both ways, so it’s cool, (and their kids throw Mone at em’) And then they’re just, like, “Whatever! I have a black eye, CPS took the kids, and my husband’s out on bail. But how was YOUR weekend?!”

Why, I AM currently single… Maybe because I have a weak left cross.

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Hi! I'm your blind date! Glglglglglglglglgl!!