I WAS THE TARGET OF AN INTERNET SCAM!

So this just happened to me. While I was innocently trolling conservatives and Christians on Facebook as my alter ego “Richard Chancre” I recieved a friend request from a woman whom I do not know. She was cute enough, so I accepted.

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She must own one of those fancy picture-in-picture jobs on her TV! Ooh la la!!

Then, right away, she sent me this message:

Christiana Tate – My name is Christiana Tate from the Facebook headquarters based in the USA, I am a Facebook Online Cordinator. How are you doing today?

Me – Hello? Um… what can I do for you?

Christiana Tate – I contacted you because I have good news for you from Facebook. The online draws was conducted by a random selection of emails you were picked by an advanced automated random computer search from the Facebook in other to claim your $950.000.00 the lottery program which is a new innovation by Facebook, is aimed at saying a big thank you to all our users for making Facebook their number one means to connect, communicate, relate and hook up with their families and friends over the years.

Me – OH! You’re some kind of rip-off bullshit bot!

Christiana Tate – This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants and scam artists all participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 20,000 companies and 30,000,000 individuals email addresses from all over the world. This promotional program takes place every three years. You may be rest assured that this is real and legal. There are some scam artists around but thanks to the FBI, 216 of them have been arrested. Hope you understand?

Me – Chew my scrotum, cunt face! Hope you understand?

Christiana Tate – i am your claims officer and i am here to take you through the steps on how you will get your winnings. shall we proceed on the claiming of your winnings?

Me – Sure! I’m an idiot. Let’s play!

Christiana Tate – Sir if you are not careful am gonna disable your account Right now

Me – Did you just now finally figure out that I’m not taking you seriously?

Christiana Tate – yes

Me – Oh. So you’re a real actual person? Who apparently just joined Facebook 15 minuets ago, just to give me a million dollars?

Christiana Tate – yes after you claim your winnings we are gonna disable this account for security purpose

Me – Hmmm… ok… what do I have to do?

Christiana Tate – Firstly, your award is attached to Lucky Number (FB-225-7736), Ticket Number (FB-172-60), Batch Number (FB-0281/544) and Serial Number (99352748-2014)..Note them down now on a safe place and keep its very important

Me – Ok. Then what?

Christiana Tate – You will be required to contact Mr Benjamin Godwin, head for the disbursement department for the claims of your winnings. Send an email to Mr. Benjamin Godwin through this email address now (facebookclaimsdepartments1@outlook.com) with the information about you below:
Full Name:
Contact Address:
Mobile Number:
Occupation:
Marital Status:
Age:
Country of Residence:
Nationality:
Your Email Address:
Lucky Number:
Ticket Number:
Batch Number :
Serial Number:

Me – I don’t know if I’m comfortable with this yet. How can I be sure this isn’t some ploy?

Christiana Tate – Sir this is 100% Legitimate. Send those info now to Mr Benjamin Godwin

Me – You’ve already said that. Can you prove it?

Christiana Tate – One moment Sir
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Me – What is that supposed to be?

Christiana Tate – that’s to show you that this is !00% legitimate

Me – Really? You’ve got to be kidding. Those look like they were put together in Microsoft Paint!

Christiana Tate – Sir are you serious with your winnings

Me – See, that’s what I’m asking you.

Christiana Tate – Shall we continue with your winnings

Me – I’m sorry, but those pictures looked pretty fake. Here, look:

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Me – See? Any knob can do that.

Christiana Tate – Sir should we terminate your winnings or what you seem not to be serious

Me – I’m being very serious. How about an official Facebook website that describes the rules and terms of this lottery? Have you got one of those?

Christiana Tate – Sir if you dont want your winnings tell us lets terminate it

Me – Of course I want a million dollars! But I don’t want to fall for some scam. Now, can you direct me to an official website that has the contest rules so I can read them and know you’re legit, please. Hope you understand?

Christiana Tate –

Me – Hello???? Ms. Scrotum-Chewing Cunt Face? Hellooooooooooooo???

Christiana Tate –

Me – Nothing, eh? I knew it!

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That was a confession, by the way. I admitted having a fake Facebook account that I use just to troll people! His name is Richard. Richard Chancre, and I love him! I turn to him whenever I’m in a shitty mood, and I need to troll some fools. Do not judge me! Nah, fuck it. Go ahead and judge me. I’m ok with it, because if I’m right about this, what I’m doing can’t hold the red velvet pouch that carries the solid brass balls these fucking net scammers have!

See, my alter-Facebook-ego is a very foul-mouthed little asshole. So what he does is, he subscribes to as many shitty Conservative, Christian, and Ammosexual (GREAT new word, by the way) news feeds he can think of. So as to more efficiently smear his vulgar graffiti and feces across the eyes and news feeds of those he feels deserve it most. Sarah Palin? Check. Fox News? Check. Joel Olsteen Ministeries? MotherFUCKING check! The NRA, The Tea Party, I Am A Child Of God, The National Association for Gun Rights, FreedomWorks, I Love The Bible, The New York Post, For America, John Hagee Ministries, The Republican National Committee, Allen West, and Def Leopard? Check.

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Now regular ol’ me does not like ANY of those things, and I’ve been regular ol’ me on Facebook for years, and I have never -EVER- gotten ONE of those fucking phoney-baloney-pony-con-jockeys sending me a goddamned friend request! And then actually engaging me in conversation? Holy shit! The clanking of their balls! It’s deafening!

They must somehow know that If they had tried to get regular me, I would have ended up doing today’s blog post years ago, because I would have reacted to their advances in exactly the same way. Richard was born just a few months ago, and has never had a single Facebook friend in his sad, angry, short little life.

But now he’s finally got one. Gee. I wonder if there’s a connection. I wonder… if these jokers are preying on those people who vote hard Republican. And I wonder if they’re doing it because they think those people are fucking stupid.

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Answering The Unanswerable; 8 Philosophical Questions Get Their Asses Kicked In The Teeth!

I found this article on i09, and it got me thinking. Or, at least it got me thinking about something other than Kat Denning’s luscious titties, if only momentarily.

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Pictured: Possible proof of God.

I’m bored, and up past my bedtime, so I’ve decided to try and answer these so-called “unanswerable” philosophical questions. I thought it was actually pretty easy, but I’m really smart and junk. Irregardless, check out how smartastic I am!

• Why is there something rather than nothing?
This is an easy one. Existence exists because it must. In fact, if everything was nothing, then nothing would become something by default. Dude! Did I just blow your fucking mind?! No? Oh. Well, then…moving on…

• Is our universe real?
Isn’t this basically the same question? If the universe is fake, then everything would actually be nothing? Perhaps this would make more sense if I was totally baked?

• Do we have free will?
Do I have to answer that?

• Is there a God?

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Only if you think there is.

• Is there life after death?
Only dead people know the answer to this one, and they ain’t talkin’.

All bullshit aside, I have a theory about this. Hear me out. I believe that when you die, your mind’s final thought is your afterlife, and to you, it seems like an eternity. Why not? It makes more sense than most other crapola theories I’ve heard about this! Allow me to elaborate;

Have you ever had a dream that seemed to take longer than it really did? For example, let’s say you fall asleep at midnight. You proceed to have a really vivid dream where you and the redhead from “That 70’s Show” fly naked through a seemingly endless series of technicolor vaginas, battling sentient chess pieces with laser dildos.

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Or, you know, something to that effect.

You suddenly wake up right as Batman starts ejaculating on an Atari 5200 with your father’s face, and you look at the clock by your bed…

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1:30? But it seems like hours have passed!

That’s what I’m talking about. I think it’s possible that you simply dream an afterlife that feels like an eternity in your last seconds of life. And your subconsciously held religious beliefs dictate the quality of your great reward. Shit. I should start a religion! I’ll show Mitt Romney how to avoid paying taxes like a pro!

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"Taxes are for peasants!"

Besides, Heaven would have to be an intensely personal experience, wouldn’t it? As they say; one man’s Heaven is another man’s Hell. I’m sure all of those judgmental, book-burning, sanctimonious religious ratcunts think they’re going to Heaven. And it would stop being Heaven the moment they arrived.

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Aw, shit! There goes the neighborhood.

This theory would also explain near-death experiences. When those people describe doing stuff like floating over their body, and kickin’ it old school with their great-great grandfather and/or Soupy Sales, they’re just describing their mad death-dream.

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Bukaki!

Ultimately, it’s impossible to know what happens when you die until you do it. Anyone who tries to convince you that they somehow know otherwise is a charlatan and a manipulative liar! So remember, kids! Believe in agnosticism! No matter how contradictory and asinine that statement may seem!

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I really hope you don't become a ghost when you die! Judging by all of those ghost-tracking cable shows, that's an impotent and pathetic existence. And being a ghost would suck too! BOO!!

• Can you really experience anything objectively?
Sure! I do that every time I turn on the radio. Or whenever Mitt Romney speaks. Or when I watch a movie, or a TV show, or even a porno. Besides, what’s the alternative? And how can you objectively observe objectivity, anyway? This isn’t so much a philosophical question than it is a stupid one.

• What is the best moral system?
What, you mean, like, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you” and all that? Hmmm… I’ve got an even more ideal idea! How about;
“Ass, gas, or grass… No one rides for free!”
Or maybe;
“With great power, comes great responsibility!”
Or;
“Tobacco is whacko (if you’re a teen)!”
I’ve got more! Morality lightning round: GO!
“Hit it and quit it!”
“If at first you don’t succeed, masturbate!”
“It’s a choice, not a child (yet)!”
“Always ask permission before you ejaculate in someone’s hair!”
“You can prick your finger, but don’t finger your prick!”
“Stop fucking with your iPhone when I’m talking to you, goddamnit!”
“Eat shit and bark at the moon!”
“Never mix Lucky Charms and ranch dressing!”

…sorry. I got carried away. Yeah, “Do unto others…” works. I imagine I’ll go to Heaven that way. Get it? I ‘imagine’ I’ll go…? *rim-shot*

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• What are numbers?
I don’t have any scientific research to back this up, but I’ll go out on a limb and guess that numbers were most likely invented to count stuff. Numbers are just a human invention. A brilliant invention, but an invention none the less. You’ve gotta be able to count stuff like time, in order to monitor your own decay. That’s why they will never invent a time machine. There’s really no such thing as time. We made that up too. It’s not an observable, natural phenomenon. Like gravity, or electricity, or morning wood. You can’t control what does not exist. But we can dream…

What do you think, dear reader? If you leave a comment, I personally guarantee* you will go to Heaven!

*Offer void to residents of Utah, Texas, and Gotham City. Winner must pass credit check before a lease is offered. Must be 18 or over. When in Heaven, don't pester Elvis.

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Now where was I? Oh...yeah... Seriously. Google "Kat Dennings nude". Spectacular!

The Top 5 Faith No More Karoke Bombs!!

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The Top 5 Faith No More Karaoke Bombs!

Faith No More songs are very hard to sing. Correction. Faith No More songs are very hard to sing in a karaoke bar without looking like a goddamned jackass. I’ll admit to occasionally singing karaoke and looking doofy. It’s kinda fun to get liquored-up, stand in front of a room full of drunken strangers, and attempt to sing. I get that part. I’m just bewildered by people who film themselves acting the fool, post it on the net, and pretend like it’s something worth looking at.

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It never is…

So lets all don our best Casey Kasem impressions, and countdown the Top 5 Faith No More karaoke bombs! Coming in at number five…

•5• “Mark Bowen” as performed by Mark F

Karaoke bars piss me off for two reasons. One, people sing karaoke in them. That’s a real bummer. And B, they never seem to have the kind of songs I like to sing. Probably because karaoke bar DJs hate it when people just yell into the mic like a loon, and that’s pretty much what I like to listen to. No worries, right? Just sing something from the book, you say? Well, fuck you logic and accepted social mores! This guy’s went and beat ‘the man’ by bringing in his record from home, and simply bleating over the existing vocal track! That’s not karaoke, that’s just some asshole yelling over a record I like. Come on, man! It’s so lame that you brought your own CD to a karaoke bar, dude. Would you bring your own food to a restaurant? Would you bring your own herpes to your mother’s house? No, you wouldn’t. Why not just play your CD and shut the Hell up? No one in that dive knows this song but you. Why do you want everyone to hate it?

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Pictured: Not you.

“Mark Bowen” isn’t the hardest song to sing. I sound just great singing it in my car. However, in your car, no one can hear you scream. If only that were true here. This guy makes Chuck Mosley sound like Jonathan Davis. People attempting to perform hard rock songs at a karaoke bar depresses me so much. It’s one thing to get drunk and warble whatever top-40 bullshit you half-know the words to. This is another, even sadder thing entirely.

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you will never be this fuckin' cool.

•4• “Zombie Eaters” as performed by Mark:The Karaoke God!

FNM fans love it when Mike Patton gets excited and ad-libs some crazy shit during a performance! The rest of the band rarely improvises, so the whole reason to collect FNM bootlegs is because Patton never sings a song the same way twice. Which brings me to the highlight of this performance. It happens when the song goes from light to heavy. Our hero seems to be trying to mimic the Phoenix Festival 93′ performance and, like Mike Patton does in that performance, he goes for the big heavy metal growl and scream combo platter. He instead sounds like he’s trying really hard to vomit and defecate simultaneously. Try it.

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I once heard a rumor that Patton actually did that on stage! Perhaps he's doing it right here?

Some dude comes into frame at that moment, seemingly to check if he’s OK. Unfortunately, he is. His vocal chords are completely fucked, of course, so his voice strains and cracks in hilarious ways throughout the rest of the song. (“…and I’ll get mad for a-*whiLE*! Hahahaha!) I must ask again. Why is this on the Internet? Who is this for? You DO know that when you post a YouTube video, anyone can see it, right? Not just your mommy, or your boyfriend, or that dude in the dress. No, even dickheads like me can find it, mock it, and tell you that you suck. Oh, by the way; YOU SUCK!

•3• “The Gentle Art Of Making Enemies” as performed by Mark F

Oh boy…Our buddy Mark F. Is back! I know this might be hard to tell from his song selections, but this dude is hard core! He’s got, like, over a dozen YouTube videos just of him doing Faith No More songs. It’s difficult to pick the shittiest performance, and I refuse to watch them all. So, this one sucks hard enough for the number three slot!

Hot shit, Mark! You are so rock and roll! You’re just such a head-banging, fist-pumping, crowd enraging douche! Goddamnit! Stop going around and giving us FNM fans a bad name! And that’s coming from the guy who just called a complete stranger a ‘douche’!

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Fucking Boooooooooo!!

Think Im being too hard on the guy? Get this; The video ends with this guy walking, in frame, up to the camera, and turing it off. He filmed himself and posted it! On purpose! See? I was right. Douche.

•2• “Falling To Pieces” as performed by Womble.


Rock n' Roll Caveman!

Coming in at a close number two is this big, hairy, foreign fellow. Clearly, English is not this guy’s first language. So, let’s all have a laugh at that! Hahahaha! Ahhh! That felt so good! We’re just so superior, ain’t we? I suppose it would be racist if I made fun of whatever bullshit country he’s from, and I don’t really give a rat’s staff where the fuck he’s from. Unless it’s Mars. Then I’d be interested. Instead, my question is this; Why spend money on professional recording equipment when you know you have no talent? He filmed this, so I’m sure he’s watched it, so he must know it sucks. Right? He just hasta know that he looks and sounds like a tone-deaf caveman! He looks like he would be the smelly one on the bus that no one wants to sit by. Or if Sasquatch killed a FNM fan and stole his Walkman twenty years ago.

Actually, he kinda looks like this guy…

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And Mike Patton still kicks your ass;

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Also, he’s at home alone! He’s not even drunk (probably) at a karaoke bar!
This is something he probably practiced forever, learning the lyrics phonetically, and seriously earning this semi-public shaming.

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Dude! You should, totally, like, bring your own CD to the karaoke bar and then... Wait, what am I saying? Just stop, Womble!

•1• “Get Out!” as performed by Mark F

Coming in at number one, It’s Mark F again, ruining yet another great song! People of Earth; Please stop doing screaming rock songs at karaoke! It’s only cool when done by professionals. You, sir, look like a dick. A big, dumb, hairy dick. Why are you doing this, Mark? Why are you posting your failure on the Internet? Is this an audition reel for some new reality show about losers who can’t sing? Are you so deluded that you think ANYONE would EVER want to see this for ANY reason other than to MOCK it? Wait, I just imagined how it would be if William Hung covered “Epic”! Oh, man…DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME, MARK F.?!?!?!

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"Uoooowaaaaatit'tallbuh-choocenhabip!"

I’m sorry. Look, I’m a FNM fan too, and when someone puts a gun to my head, I’ll sing “Easy” or something I can stomach from Top40 radio. Have the couth to do the same, is all i’m saying. So, let’s review our lessons for the day.

Remember, kids…
• DO NOT Bring your own CDs to a karaoke bar! Just pick something from the book! Don’t be a total Mark F.-Bag!
• DO NOT Irritate all within earshot with attempted metal grunts and hard rockin’ screaming! You will look and sound like an idiot, and your audience will wish you dead!
• DO NOT Sing Faith No More songs in a karaoke bar! And if you must, for the love of “Angel Dust” DO NOT POST THAT SHITTY SHIT ON THE INTERNET!!

The prize for completing this lesson are these beautiful Mike Patton pictures I pilfered from the interwebs. But you only get to look at them if you watched every video in it’s entirety! Don’t cheat.

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The epitome of 'fucking cool'

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I'm not a queer or anythin'...but I'd totally go down on this man in tribute!

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...no, like, if he really wanted me to, I guess I'd do it...

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...and Puffy talks some sense into me!

If you enjoyed this article, and I can’t imagine you have, please to enjoy other happy fun time Faith No More writings!

“Why Faith No More Flopped In The States”
“Faith No More: The Comic Book – Reviewed

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It’s 4am and I can’t sleep…

It’s 4AM…and I can’t sleep…
The fuck am I doing up? My mind is bleary and full of weird bullshit. You ever have so much going through your mind that you can’t sleep? Well, that’s me.
Fuck it. What’s on TV…
Christfuck!!! Am I the only one who couldn’t give any less of a shit about the goddamn Olympics? As I type this, NBC is showing yet another life story of some asshole swimmer. I hope he goddamn drowns! Oh! There’s Bob Costas! What a suck-ass! Who elected this fag to be the world’s prime-time king-ding representative of sports?

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Eat a large fuck, Costas! You suck Satan's cock!

I heard Costas had plastic surgery. I guess he wanted to look even more plain. Since I avoid looking at him like it might give me a disease, I Googled for before and after pictures.
Bob Costas before:

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Bob Costas after:

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Hmm...he looks good! I'd fuck 'em!

The one Olympic event I’m looking forward to is that Horse Dressage bullshit. It’ll be fun watching Mitt Romney’s retarded wife diddly-dick around with all this incredibly expensive cheese-dick horse dancing! They have a good chance for the gold, but I think they’d be better off if they switched places and the horse rode Ann around as she danced. The local kids could throw peanuts and D-cell batteries at her. Then, the older ones douse her in pigs blood, while the crowd chants satanic incantations! The peasants are gathering around her in a circle to piss on her head and face and… Woah! I’m letting my dark imagination get away from me. I apologize for suggesting someone should urinate on Ann Romney. Though that does paint a funny picture in my head.

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"Giddy-up, bitch!"

I’m having such a great time watching Miit the Twit fuck his campaign all to Hell! I’m laughing while I can, because I’m afraid the Repubs have something nefarious up their slimy sleeves. The game might be rigged. Remember 2000? Dubya didn’t win that one. People were protesting Dubya from day fucking one! And with good reason! Not like those Tea Baggers that just wave signs that say “Obama Am Hitler” and other illiterate half-witticisms. Matter of fact, I don’t think Dubya won in 2004 election. Here, read (or skim) this:

Fucked, isn’t it? I don’t think I’m a crazy conspiracy nut, but then, crazy people never think their crazy, do they?. Rush Limbaugh says all us Liberals are crazy, but I never listen to what a narcotic addict says. They’re crazy! So, In the spirit of being nucking futs, I’m going to play insane. Here’s a few things I “believe” about the big conspiracies that I’d like to share with you (aka: poison your mind!).
—————————–
JFK ASSASSINATION
I’ve heard just as much confusing bullshit about this as you probably have, dear reader.

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Video games have, evidently, reached their logical, inevitable conclusion. Seriously. What the fuck is this?

After sifting through the detritus of JFK horseshit on TV, I believe that Oswald did not act alone. He was the patsy for the real shooters on the grassy knoll. Who was on the grassy knoll?
Martians.

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Back, and to the left... Back, and to the left...

I know, right! The men from Mars killed JFK so as to get…the…thing…
Look, it was fucking Martians, all right?! Theyre in it with the CIA, the FBI, and NAMBLA. Think about it. It explains everything.
EVERYTHING!

——————————————–
THE MOON LANDING WAS FAKE

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If you really want to impress me, play baseball!

The moon landing is fine cinema, isn’t it? It was directed by Stanley Kubrick and produced by Adam Sandler who was preset due to time travel. Oh yeah. They’ve got time travel. Just a moment ago, a CIA time traveler arrived to tell me not to post this. He warned me of the repercussions of revealing so much truth on my blog. So, I aimed my shotgun at him and told him to get of my property. I don’t need no time travelers ’round these parts! Don’t go back and kill Hitler or anything, fuckhead. Come and bug MY ass with this bullshit!
Fucking time travelers, am I right?!

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"Honey? I made it! It's 1928, and all I'm going to do is go to a fucking movie! Honey? Oh, that's right! This is the past! I'll just text her. Geeez, the cell coverage here is shit! Fucking AT&T!"

Oh, about the moon landing. All joking aside, I find it hard to believe we had the technology to accomplish such a thing at that time. Back then, they didn’t have a computer powerful enough to play a good game of Pong, let alone get men safely to the goddamn moon! I’m not the type to try to pick apart the actual film itself, but I do find it bizarre that all the original copies of the movie were “erased”. After a quick google search, I see that NASA is restoring the footage as if it was an old movie being digitally remastered for a Blu Ray release! Pre-order your copy now, and get a free “I’m a gullible dumb-shit!” T-shirt!

———————————–
TACO BELL CONSPIRACY
Taco Bell is purposely trying to give us all painful diarrhea. Think about it. Have you’ve ever eaten at Taco Bell and NOT gotten the shits? Damn them and their delicious Gorditas! Now, whenever I think of Mexican food, my asshole whimpers. I know, little fella. I know… But the fire sauce is soooooo good!

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PROOF! I rest my case.

————————–
CONSPIRACY TO KEEP ME FROM SLEEPING RIGHT NOW
It’s the Martians again. They sent one of their sleep assassins to my house disguised as Mr. T! Only, his skin is bright green. He’s here with a box of cream-filled donuts and a big, green 12 inch Martian cock. He sticks it in one of the creamy donuts, and I put on a bib and sit in a giant high chair…
Shit. I think I’m typing my dreams…wait, I dream of donut sex with a green Mr. T?! What the hell is wrong with me? I’m gonna regret this post. Ugh… Good night…

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Im such a fool, Mr. T... I need to be pitied...