So this just happened to me. While I was innocently trolling conservatives and Christians on Facebook as my alter ego “Richard Chancre” I recieved a friend request from a woman whom I do not know. She was cute enough, so I accepted.
She must own one of those fancy picture-in-picture jobs on her TV! Ooh la la!!
Then, right away, she sent me this message:
Christiana Tate – My name is Christiana Tate from the Facebook headquarters based in the USA, I am a Facebook Online Cordinator. How are you doing today?
Me – Hello? Um… what can I do for you?
Christiana Tate – I contacted you because I have good news for you from Facebook. The online draws was conducted by a random selection of emails you were picked by an advanced automated random computer search from the Facebook in other to claim your $950.000.00 the lottery program which is a new innovation by Facebook, is aimed at saying a big thank you to all our users for making Facebook their number one means to connect, communicate, relate and hook up with their families and friends over the years.
Me – OH! You’re some kind of rip-off bullshit bot!
Christiana Tate – This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants and scam artists all participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 20,000 companies and 30,000,000 individuals email addresses from all over the world. This promotional program takes place every three years. You may be rest assured that this is real and legal. There are some scam artists around but thanks to the FBI, 216 of them have been arrested. Hope you understand?
Me – Chew my scrotum, cunt face! Hope you understand?
Christiana Tate – i am your claims officer and i am here to take you through the steps on how you will get your winnings. shall we proceed on the claiming of your winnings?
Me – Sure! I’m an idiot. Let’s play!
Christiana Tate – Sir if you are not careful am gonna disable your account Right now
Me – Did you just now finally figure out that I’m not taking you seriously?
Christiana Tate – yes
Me – Oh. So you’re a real actual person? Who apparently just joined Facebook 15 minuets ago, just to give me a million dollars?
Christiana Tate – yes after you claim your winnings we are gonna disable this account for security purpose
Me – Hmmm… ok… what do I have to do?
Christiana Tate – Firstly, your award is attached to Lucky Number (FB-225-7736), Ticket Number (FB-172-60), Batch Number (FB-0281/544) and Serial Number (99352748-2014)..Note them down now on a safe place and keep its very important
Me – Ok. Then what?
Christiana Tate – You will be required to contact Mr Benjamin Godwin, head for the disbursement department for the claims of your winnings. Send an email to Mr. Benjamin Godwin through this email address now (firstname.lastname@example.org) with the information about you below:
Country of Residence:
Your Email Address:
Batch Number :
Me – I don’t know if I’m comfortable with this yet. How can I be sure this isn’t some ploy?
Christiana Tate – Sir this is 100% Legitimate. Send those info now to Mr Benjamin Godwin
Me – You’ve already said that. Can you prove it?
Me – What is that supposed to be?
Christiana Tate – that’s to show you that this is !00% legitimate
Me – Really? You’ve got to be kidding. Those look like they were put together in Microsoft Paint!
Christiana Tate – Sir are you serious with your winnings
Me – See, that’s what I’m asking you.
Christiana Tate – Shall we continue with your winnings
Me – I’m sorry, but those pictures looked pretty fake. Here, look:
Me – See? Any knob can do that.
Christiana Tate – Sir should we terminate your winnings or what you seem not to be serious
Me – I’m being very serious. How about an official Facebook website that describes the rules and terms of this lottery? Have you got one of those?
Christiana Tate – Sir if you dont want your winnings tell us lets terminate it
Me – Of course I want a million dollars! But I don’t want to fall for some scam. Now, can you direct me to an official website that has the contest rules so I can read them and know you’re legit, please. Hope you understand?
Christiana Tate –
Me – Hello???? Ms. Scrotum-Chewing Cunt Face? Hellooooooooooooo???
Christiana Tate –
Me – Nothing, eh? I knew it!
That was a confession, by the way. I admitted having a fake Facebook account that I use just to troll people! His name is Richard. Richard Chancre, and I love him! I turn to him whenever I’m in a shitty mood, and I need to troll some fools. Do not judge me! Nah, fuck it. Go ahead and judge me. I’m ok with it, because if I’m right about this, what I’m doing can’t hold the red velvet pouch that carries the solid brass balls these fucking net scammers have!
See, my alter-Facebook-ego is a very foul-mouthed little asshole. So what he does is, he subscribes to as many shitty Conservative, Christian, and Ammosexual (GREAT new word, by the way) news feeds he can think of. So as to more efficiently smear his vulgar graffiti and feces across the eyes and news feeds of those he feels deserve it most. Sarah Palin? Check. Fox News? Check. Joel Olsteen Ministeries? MotherFUCKING check! The NRA, The Tea Party, I Am A Child Of God, The National Association for Gun Rights, FreedomWorks, I Love The Bible, The New York Post, For America, John Hagee Ministries, The Republican National Committee, Allen West, and Def Leopard? Check.
Now regular ol’ me does not like ANY of those things, and I’ve been regular ol’ me on Facebook for years, and I have never -EVER- gotten ONE of those fucking phoney-baloney-pony-con-jockeys sending me a goddamned friend request! And then actually engaging me in conversation? Holy shit! The clanking of their balls! It’s deafening!
They must somehow know that If they had tried to get regular me, I would have ended up doing today’s blog post years ago, because I would have reacted to their advances in exactly the same way. Richard was born just a few months ago, and has never had a single Facebook friend in his sad, angry, short little life.
But now he’s finally got one. Gee. I wonder if there’s a connection. I wonder… if these jokers are preying on those people who vote hard Republican. And I wonder if they’re doing it because they think those people are fucking stupid.