Gene Simmons Is A Rancid Douche

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Want to know one of my deepest, darkest secrets?

I like KISS.

No, not the candy-assed post-makeup KISS! I’m talking the original line up with Ace and the Cat guy, what’s it… Trevor I think it was, may he rest in peace. I was born a little late to enjoy their heyday, but I caught a reunion show. It was a lot of fun, and I feel like I have a better understanding of what it might have been like in the 70s. Only the 70s version of the band’s crass commercialism must seem quaint by today’s standards.

And I’m convinced it’s almost entirely Gene Simmons’ fault.

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Gene Simmons will seemingly do anything for a buck. He has no moral compass, no sense of artistic integrity, and worst of all, he’s a shitty bass player. He’s the second-worst musician in a band where that’s no small feat.

None of that is news. Even Gene knows this. People have said this to his face-like-thing and he always retorts with something about how much money he has. In YOUR face-like-thing, losers! As if that somehow refutes the point.

The point was, is, and always will be: Gene Simmons is a whore.

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…AND he’s hiring!

He’s teamed up with a new marketing firm, and together they’ve hatched a bold, brilliant new idea: Having no idea! They’re instead going to “crowdsource” it on Twitter and the like. Or in other words: “Fuck it! Throw it to the idiots!”

Here’s how The Hollywood Reporter…um, reported it:

“‘The Kiss frontman is asking content creators and fans how the band should celebrate “in the most epic way possible.”‘

Oh boy. I’ve always wanted a job in marketing. It’s in my all-time top three most wanted jobs! Right above “Dog Food Ingredient” and below “Pussy Inspector”. And I already have a T-shirt that says “Dog Food Ingredient”.

“‘Gene Simmons is looking for help celebrating the 40th anniversary of Kiss.”‘

Might I suggest you celebrate with a self-inflicted shotgun blast to your hideous, surgically-deformed face, you fucking whore?

“‘The rocker announced Wednesday night that Kiss is launching a campaign on Tongal — a company that pairs creatives and brands to crowdsource the pitch-and-development process — asking content creators and fans to submit their best ideas for “how Kiss should celebrate their 40th anniversary in the most epic way possible.”‘

This “rocker” (if I may use the term so loosely) is actually working (if I may use THAT term so loosely) with a marketing company to solicit ideas from his everyday, rump-de-dump, “who the fuck are they?” dip-shit fans! What? Is he too busy tounging Donald Trump’s finely bleached anus live on “Fox & Friends” to have any kind of social media presence? Or maybe he could, I don’t know, hire people who normally get paid for their ideas to come up with an idea other than “have random people do it”? Maybe I should tweet that idea to these empty suits?

“‘Typically, Tongal’s brand campaigns involve ideation and pitch processes before moving on to an execution stage where a commercial or campaign is produced. Past projects have included a Star Wars-inspired commercial for Pringles and a Speed Stick ad that aired during the 2013 Super Bowl.”‘

They even admit that, typically, marketeers at least try to come up with new ideas in order to earn their paycheck. Also typically, if you ever ask what random assholes on the internet want to see, the only suitable-for-broadcast idea in their top 100 will be “Star Wars”. What outside-the-box thinkers we have here.

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Or maybe he could go on that one piece of shit crime show with the NYPD Blue loser? WE NEED IDEAS HERE, PEOPLE!!

Hey, what if there was a commercial where Gene Simmons was being viciously sodomized by Darth Vader in the dining room of a Taco Bell? Then Darth could say “Gene…make a run…for the border…” and Gene would then drop to his knees and recieve a (tastefully shot) guacamole facial! Then you could put “God Of Thunder-ous Diarrhea” on the drink cups or some shit. How’s that idea? Did I win? Am I rich yet? I’m sure If Taco Bell believed that commercial would make you more likely to laugh in the face of dysintary and eat a Cheesy Gordita Crunchwrap Supreme, Gene would be totally willing to negotiate the price.

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To watch the full UNCENSORED version of this video, click HERE!!!

“‘But the Kiss project is part of a new service called Left Field, which allows brands to reach out to creators and fans through a 140-character social media call-to-action to help brainstorm ideas. “‘

Wow! What a great idea that you totally couldnt already do right now! Isn’t that right, Twitter account for Tide detergent?

‘”We’ve always been about the fans,” Simmons tells THR.”‘

Then, after an arresting fit of the giggles subsided, the “rocker” continued:

‘”Tongal allows our fans to throw out ideas, and you know you’re going to make something authentic.”‘

“Throw out” is exactly right. Mark my words: You will not be properly compensated. They later go on to say you might, but I’m calling bullshit. What if you tweet a really great idea to these clowns, they use it, and make a gajilillion dollars as a direct result? What would you get? A couple thousand bucks and the pride in knowing that you got as bent over and fucked as any of Paul Stanely’s STD-riddled groupies? Gee, thanks “rocker“. Glad I could be of fucking help.

“‘He adds that the crowdsourcing process at Tongal is not that different from the collaboration within a band.”‘

Is he saying he needs random yahoos from the internet to help write their next album or something? Because I would love to be proven wrong, and this whole idea can somehow actually become even sadder. Schadenfreudegasim!

‘”One person doesn’t play every instrument. You contribute where you’re skilled.”‘

“…and we obviously suck at marketing. Wait, no we don’t. It’s the music we suck at! What am I talking about? What the fuck am I doing?”

Oh, and one person can play every instrument.

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Just because you lack skills, Gene, dosen’t mean everyone else does. I know this might come as a shock to a self-important jackass such as yourself, but it turns out you’re not the greatest man in the history of ever. In fact, you rank somewhere between Sean Hannity and Ted Neugent, and that’s pretty fucking low.

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"...and coming up after the break, we'll hear Sebastian Bach's thoughts on the debt ceiling!"

“‘Simmons announced the campaign as part of his appearance at Tongal’s inaugural award show the Tongies, which was held April 2 at the El Rey Theatre. He handed out the award for best Best Original Song used in a campaign. Other awards included Best Broadcast Spot, Best Comedy, Best Idea and Video of the Year. “‘

Ooooh! Isn’t that exciting! I’m sure all the brightest stars of Tinsletown turned out for this gala event! As a big-time “rocker” you must meet lots of famous and interesting people. So tell me, “rocker“, is the Geico lizard as nice as he seems in real life? Did you tag-team Flo from the Progressive ads with Toucan Sam? Did you score any blow off of Speedy The Alka-Seltzer? Yeah, you suck.

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The guy makes Howard Stern look like Mark Twain.

This article does not say who won each of these catergories, and I fucking refuse to look it up, so let’s immediately date this blog post and make some predictions.

Best Original Song used in a campaign – “Pepto-Bismol Enema (Sha Na Na)” by Gene Simmons

Best Broadcast Spot – “Pringles Can Stuck On Dong” by Pringles

Best Comedy – “The Lego Movie” by Warner Bros.

Best Idea – “KISS” by Gene Simmons

Video of the Year – “2 Girls, 1 Cup, & A Gene Simmons” by 3 Sickening Prostitutes LLC.

“‘Creatives who participate in Tongal’s projects get paid if they submit winning ideas. This year, Tongal expects to pay more than $15 million to its community.”‘

Oh, is that what they “expect”? What horseshit. I ask again: what if the idea I submit makes your company millions of dollars? Do I hit the $15 million creativity jackpot? Would I even qualify as a “Creative” under contest rules? Would any actualy creative people ever participate in this fucking bullshit? And if a tree falls in the forrest, does Gene Simmons get a royality? The answer to all these questions is: “…maybe?

“‘Tongal co-founder and president James DeJulio says the Kiss campaign represents an opportunity for brands to use the platform to engage fans.”‘

Hey, do you know what else is a really good platform for reaching KISS fans? A literal fucking platform. You know, the kind that KISS can play on. They could set up all their gear, turn it up really loud, and reach thousands and thousands of people who just happen to already be KISS fans. It wouldn’t appear that they thought of that, though. Hey, maybe I should tweet that?!

‘”Like any great brand, Kiss’ fans have supported them and been a part of their lives forever,” he adds. “This campaign creates another deep connection with the band.”‘

Wait, I think there’s a typo in there. Either “brand” or “band” is inncorrect. It should be the same word both times, but I’m not sure which one. Probably “Brand”.

Fucking whore…

I’m not sure how I should end this piece. Hey, lets “crowdsource” it! What do YOU think? How should I end this post? Should I just end it by calling Gene Simmons a “fucking whore” again? Should I post a picture of Gene Simmons holding a crudely drawn dick to his mouth? Or should it just end abruptly, with no

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You were right again, Internet. You always are.

4 Reasons Faith No More Flopped In The States (The Director’s Cut!)

About a month ago, the kind people at the Faith No More blog asked me to write up a dissertation about FNM’s impact on the States (or lack thereof). It was a huge honor, and I hope to contribute more boring essays in the future. However, since they’re actually officially connected with the band, they had to change a few things around. Mostly, they almost completely deleted the section about Mr. Dean Menta in the “Pick A Guitar Player, Please!” section. The world must know how much I dislike Dean Menta as a guitarist! So now I present to you the “Director’s Cut” of my Faith No More article! Please try your best to enjoy!

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4 Reasons Faith No More flopped in the States (in one American fan’s opinion).

According to the Mayan calendar, the Earth will die, screaming, before Faith No More is due to play another show in the United States of America. Being an American of average-at-best income, I find this most disconcerting. Not because I’m secretly a Mayan. No, I really wanted to see those guys before they suddenly break up for good! I mean, would anyone be surprised if they announced such a thing, like, an hour from now? I can’t afford a trip to Europe! I honestly think I’ll never get the chance to see my favorite band again. What the Hell?! Why the Hell?!

Looking back at history, It’s obvious there’s a “thing” between FNM and the USA. Being an American of average-at-best intelligence, as well as being probably the biggest FNM fan in my zip code, I’ve devoted (too) much time and brain power to the issue of FNM’s struggle on the American pop scene. When you break it down with the aide of hindsight, you can see an obvious series of career steps that, to an American fan living through the time, seemed to alienate all my music loving American friends. As part of my master’s thesis for the Faith No More Spiritual and Theological Center, here’s the top 4 reasons I think Armageddon is more likely than a FNM concert in Seattle or St. Louis.

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4• Mike Patton’s voice changes.

First, I want to address something that I feel isn’t talked about enough, and I wish someone would ask Mike Patton about specifically. Sometime between “The Real Thing” and “Angel Dust” Patton emerged from a cocoon or something as Mike Patton two-point-oh! After jamming with John Zorn, and completing the first Mr. Bungle album, Patton evolved from a bratty white-boy rapper with a pinched, nasally punk attitude…into the man with the voice we all know and love. It’s almost as if FNM had three singers. Check out this video of Mr. Bungle live on April 20th, 1992. Right before “Angel Dust” was released (on June 8th). You can hear his transformation in action.

If you pay close attention, you can hear Patton consciously choose to sing in a register and voice that’s much different from the “bratty” voice he used on the official recorded versions. Controlling the tone of his voice, he purposely sings the old songs in a new way. Though sometimes he dips back into his old voice. I find it fascinating. Especially during “Squeeze Me Macaroni” which has been almost completely rearranged in order to avoid the trappings of Patton’s old vocal approach. By the way, you should watch this whole show if you haven’t already. Its one of Bungle’s finest!

Ok, so why the change? Besides the obvious? I know that he was growing as a singer and an artist and all that crap blah blah blah. However, according to the American music press’ tart, bitter brand of glossolalias, I’ve always heard about another, dumber rumor for reason. I think it’s pretty obvious, but it’s awkward to address. I’ll just say it; Anthony Kiedis. There was, and might still be, a feud between the two of them. Though nowadays, it seems to be just Kiedis holding a grudge. According to anthonykiedis.net (the 100% UNofficial fan site dedicated to Anthony Kiedis!) the earliest sign of trouble came right when “Epic” hit it big.

“I watched [their] “Epic” video, and I see him jumping up and down, rapping, and it looked like I was looking in a mirror.” Anthony Kiedis
{‘Red Hot Chili Peppers By The Way The Biography’ by Dave Thompson (page 163)}

At the time, FNM was bigger than the Chili Peppers in Europe, apparently, and Kiedis was worried European audiences would think that HE was “the imitator”. My two cents; Puh-leeze! I remember this “controversy” when it was still fresh. The Chili Peppers have pretty much always been way more popular than FNM here in the States, and it reminded me of another similar situation, only in the world of stand-up comedy.

I’m sure that you, dear reader, have heard of Dennis Leary. He’s a big-time famous comedian and actor guy. When he was first coming up as a stand-up comedian in the late 80s/early 90s, he was accused of stealing material from another comedian named Bill Hicks. If one was to objectively investigate the specific allegations (as I have attempted), you would see that while both have material that touch on similar themes, there is no actual joke thievery. Leary and Hicks both enjoyed jokes about taking a lot of drugs, jokes about smoking a lot of cigarettes, and jokes about how funny it was the way Jim Fix died. I think a similar point could be made about the Kiedis/Patton feud bullshit. Anthony Kiedis did not invent anything, and he certainly wasn’t the first skinny white guy with long hair to rap over rock in tight pants. I remember the general consensus amongst my friends being that in this fight, Kiedis looked like a big pussy. But to be fair, anytime a rock star complains about anything at all, they look like big pussies. The human race agrees on this; if you are blessed with the life of a rock star, your license to bitch is revoked. In fact the more you bitch, the more satisfying your inevitable come-uppance will be to the general public. Check any tabloid for proof of concept.

(And I actually like the Chili Peppers. Up to “BloodSugarSexMagic”. Then, not so much. At least FNM isn’t still excreting sub-par throw-back records every 3-5 years. Oh, and Flea is WAY overrated! But I digress. Anyway…)

3• The singles released for “Angel Dust” confounds America!

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There’s no question about Faith No More’s popularity in America during “The Real Thing’s” heyday. Having never been abroad, (except for the occasional illicit holliday to Tijuana) I don’t know what it’s like when y’all’s local rock radio station falls in love with a particular tune. But in the greater Los Angeles area in 1991, you heard “Epic” approximately twice every five minutes. If that seems mathematically impossible, just keep in mind how fast pop culture eats itself in America. Guitar music was king in the post-ironic 1990s, and bands like Faith No More encouraged the alt-rock scene to swallow it’s own tail at an even faster rate. I’m sorry. It just seemed like an exciting time for rock music! If we only knew…if we only knew…

“Angel Dust’s” first single; “Midlife Crisis” stymied metal-heads who were looking for a sequel to “Epic” and, of course, this was not accidental. Not only that, but “Nevermind” happened between FNM records, so anything other than an Epic- sequel would be viewed as a risky career move by the American music press. Then came “A Small Victory” which was largely ignored. In a world where Pearl Jam, Nirvana, and Stone Temple Pilots were MTV’s chosen ones, there was no room on American rock radio for such an amazingly unique, challenging, keyboard-heavy song.
Anecdotical evidence; 105.5 KNAC, L.A.’s premier hard rock radio station (up until 1994, when it turned into an all Spanish station) refused to play it when I requested it! I remember calling in to the station;
ME: Hey, dude! (it was 1993) It would be rad if you played “A Small Victory” by Faith No More! I love that song!
RADIO DUDE: Yeah, I’ll play some Faith No More…
1 HOUR LATER: “Epic” is played as per my “request”. Bastards!

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2• What album is “Easy” from, again?

“Angel Dust” is a masterpiece from start to finish. So why was “Easy” treated like the album’s red-headed stepchild? If you were not aware, the American version of “AD” ends after “Midnight Cowboy” and the import just has it tacked on at the end (and good luck finding THAT in an American record shop). This wouldn’t have been a big deal, except that “Easy” turned out to be one of the band’s biggest hits! Where was an American fan supposed to find this song in 1993?

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Well, in America, we got the “Songs To Make Love To EP” which is, by far, the weakest release in the band’s history. You get four songs;
Easy – Das Sutchenfest – Let’s Lynch The Landlord – Midnight Cowboy
What a rip-off! Track 1 should have already been on the album, track 4 IS on the album, and tracks 2 and 3 are complete B-Side throwaway garbage! It’s not like there wasn’t other good songs still unreleased at the time. Especially in America! They could have included “As The Worm Turns 92′” or “The World Is Yours” or at least some live stuff, and actually give American fans some bang for their buck. Way to burn the base, guys!

1• Pick a guitar player, please!

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While listening to a live recording from the KFAD era, two thoughts occurred to me. Number one; boy, Dean Menta wasn’t very good. And B; I’m always taken aback by how poorly that record was received here in the US! While “King…” has sold over 1.5 million copies worldwide, the keyword there is “worldwide”. For some reason, America turned their noses up at one of the finest records of the nineties. How come? After careful consideration, the only reason I can think of is the lack of a true replacement for Jim Martin.

I am the proud owner of a 1995 Faith No More calendar. It’s pretty much just a poster book, and it’s pretty sweet. One thing, though. Half of the pictures are of just Jim Martin. I’ll spell it out; Jim was not in the band in 1995! But such was the image of Faith No More in the US.
You have to admit, Martin had an iconic look. And Warner Bros. did a fine job of presenting him as the crunchy-metallic voice of sanity in FNM’s crazy world of new wave and rap-rock. That was great for awhile, but then 1991 ended.

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Trey Spruance could have been the band’s savior if he would have stuck it out. American audiences would have loved him! 1995, ’tis the season of Grunge, and Spruance was the almost too perfect replacement for Big Sick Ugly Jim. Image-wise, Trey’s style, look, and manic stage presence would have, in my opinion, been an improvement over Jim Martin’s stand-there-and-smoke-while-wearing-two-pairs-of-glasses shtick, which In 95′ would’ve been so three years ago. Plus, the guitar parts themselves were much more intricate. More thoughtful, pop-ironic, post-punk, and freed from the shackles of the dreaded ‘heavy metal’ shred label. Basically, Jim Martin could and would never play something like what Trey wrote and played in “Evidence” or “Star A.D.”.

But then the record came out without even a picture of ‘whoever’ was playing guitar! I believe the American audience felt cheated in some way. I know I did. I think this, along with weak media attention, and the band’s typical cooly-detached mystique, combined to form the monster that killed the record in it’s crib.

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As for Dean Menta…I’ll try not to beat up on poor Dean too much… But then again, what are the odds he’ll actually read this? I feel that Faith No More fans took an immediate dislike to Dean because he looked too much like what he was: a lucky roadie. He performed like one, too. While pro-shot footage from the “Angel Dust” tour are as rare as a svelte Texan, I have seen several professional live videos from the Dean era, usually featuring Dean fucking up. Here’s one of my favorite Dean Menta fuck ups:

I’ve never been to Chile, but I know that since it’s in South America, it’s probably hotter than a Devil’s fart. So it must have been a sorry attempt at fashion when Dean Menta came out to perform in Santiago, Chile wearing a hoodie-style sweat jacket. Four songs in, and drenched in flop sweat, as well as regular sweat, Dean decides to remove his jacket IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FRIGGING SONG!! Right after the first chorus of “What A Day” Dean uses the brief four measures of guitar noise before the final verse to attempt the great mid-song jacket-escape! Let’s break it down;

He has about seven seconds to first remove his guitar, then quickly remove his wet, sweaty jacket, and then replace his guitar and rejoin the song in time for the regular guitar riff of the verse. It actually might have been cool if he had pulled it off. He doesn’t, of course. He gets the jacket about half way off when he seems to suddenly realize what a bad idea this was, and there’s no way he’s gonna make it in time. Rather than just accomplish his original goal of removing his goddamn jacket before he dies of heat stroke, and rejoining the song when he’s good and ready, he panics and gets his jacket stuck in his guitar strap. After a short, losing struggle with his crafty coat, he flails and steps on his tangled jacket, which tweaks his chord, and completely unplugs the guitar mid-verse. It’s amateurish and embarrassing. It looks like some half-assed try-out for a Faith No More tribute band, and this guy is not getting the part. To sum up, Dean was a sad, sorry replacement for either Martin or Spruance, and America seems to have rejected this period of the band’s history almost entirely.

So much for not beating up on Dean. Maybe I’m being too hard on him. Then again, I own a copy of his ‘other’ band’s record. The band was called Duh, and the record is called “The Unholy Handjob”. Guess what? It blows.

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When Jon Hudson joined the band, and they came out with “Album Of The Year” I suddenly saw Faith No More on MTV again. “Ashes To Ashes” entered heavy rotation on my local FM rock station, and they were on their way to becoming relevant in American pop music again. Perhaps it was obvious even then than Jon Hudson was the right guitarist for the band? I like to think so, but I’m a big Jon Hudson fan, so I might be a bit biased.

All the pieces were in place in the US, and the American music press was calling “AOTY” a “comeback” and, more importantly, a success! All that was needed now was some big, high profile American touring. However, FNM never seemed interested in a big American tour. They stuck to mid-sized venues, and only hit the rounds once. Since the reunion, they’ve only played a handful of shows on American soil. I guess they’re still angry with us that we didn’t buy very many of their records after 1994. But after getting burned by the “Songs To Make Love To EP” and getting tricked into paying actual cash money to see Dean Menta perform, you can’t be too angry with us.

While I strongly feel that America is ready for Faith No More’s glorious return, something still bugs me. Awhile back, VH1 Classic’s “That Metal Show” was covering the 2009 download festival. During the special, they featured a couple of FNM tunes (I remember “Land Of Sunshine” and “Introduce Yourself” airing, if you were curious). But during one of the show’s many inane conversations, the hosts were comparing multiple bands in some arbitrary and asinine way like a bunch of baked high school sophomores. Someone, I believe it was Eddie Trunk himself, remarked that Faith No More was lacking that night, and that it just “wasn’t the same without Jim Martin”. This is the type of American music press ignorance that has to stop!

I’ll end this editorial rant on top of a soap box; Gentlemen! Kind sirs! In my humble opinion, Faith No More must stop looking for the US to reach out to them! They need to school fools like Eddie Trunk on the greatness of Jon Hudson! America deserves to know that Faith No More are better now than they’ve ever been! Stand up and demand our attention! Tour the United States! Thank you. I now return you to your regularly scheduled Internet.

Originally published on the Faith No More Blog; July 25th, 2012

Faith No More: The Comic Book

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Nowadays, American audiences know Faith No More as a staple of VH1 one-hit-wonder countdown shows, and some gross cable show about a guy who plays in shit just for fun.

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"Mammy!

But way back in 1991, they were everywhere. What was actually cool was that for a brief moment, right before Nirvana and grunge took over, Faith No More seemed to be the wave of the future. They thought there would be an avalanche of bands rapping over rock and mixing genres with ease (oh, wait. That actually happened.) so FNM was hailed as a harbinger of rap-rock to come.
They didn’t make it overnight. In fact, the early history of the band is fascinating for fans. But you wouldn’t know it by reading this “Unauthorized Biography” comic book. That’s right. A fucking Faith No More comic book. Let’s check it out, won’t we?

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PAGE ONE
Tonight’s episode: “Fish Outo Water”
So, right off, the splash page is hideous. What the fuck is wrong with Patton’s mouth? Is he supposed to be the titular fish? How many time do you think this artist (Larry “Nads” Nadolsky) erased and re-drew that mouth until he finally said “fuck it!” and just left it looking like Patton has a serious meth problem?
What’s really sad about this whole thing is that I think it’s trying to be funny. Still, who talks like this? No one calls a drummer a “skin beater” without being punched and/or sexually assaulted (it depends on if the drummer in question is Tommy Lee or not).

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PAGE TWO
Here we see, again, the genesis of a band’s name. The last page had lil’ Cliff contemplating his “Metallica” brand spray paint, and this one is almost as stupid. Oh, and it’s completely WRONG! When the band was called “Faith. No Man” Jim was not in it. They had all kinds of different guitarists and singers (Courtney Love isn’t mentioned here because she was nobody at the time. Kinda like now. Full circle.) legend has it, they fired the guy who was the singer/guitarist and brought Jim in later after the name change. So eat me, comic!
Look at panel three. It would seem casual conversations about music don’t really jump off the page, do they? See, FNM’s whole shtick (according to WB marketing at least) was their genera blending. Flailing to convey this, the writer Jay Allen “Dummy” Sanford just makes everyone bark non sequiturs about the kind of music they like. “I’m into reggae” “I like metal and psychedelia”. They sound like robot aliens from another planet. Robots from the planet Funkotron! Hmmm… Now THERE’s an interesting back story…
In the last panel, we get our first look at original FNM vocalist Chuck Mosley. Even among hard core fans, Chuck is a polarizing figure. You either love em’ or you think he fucking sucks. Scratch that. I think I love the old Chuck-era stuff because he fucking sucked. It’s an acquired taste. Kinda like analingus.

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PAGE THREE
See what I mean? These Rockomic assholes must not care for the band’s early work. The best praise they can muster is applied only to the lyrics. Everything else sucks. Musicianship? Song writing? Creativity? Crap, crap, and crap. Eat me so hard, comic!
The last panel here might be my favorite. When Bill Gould (bassist, and arguably the business brains and actual leader) asks Commander Martin what they should release as their first single. Jim, the king of rock, off-handedly responds with the funniest thing I’ve read all day. “Disco shit-packer”? Granted, “We Care A Lot” isn’t my favorite song of all time, but it’s not disco. As for the shit packing, the only ones getting their shit packed are the FNM fans who bought this fucking comic.

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PAGE FOUR
You can pretty much skip this entire page and it wouldn’t matter. Basically, they got into a fight with the band Ministry and therefore did not get paid for the gig. Perhaps they should have shown the actual fight instead of these sparse, boring talking heads. But no one reads comic books for the action. They read them for the inane conversations. This whole page is just two hairy dudes hanging out in a Motel6, and no good ever comes from that!
Oh, and they fired Chuck. So give us a big yawn and take a sip of coffee and prepare for His arrival. It shall be glorious!

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PAGE FIVE
Here we see FNM’s fearless leader deciding to hire Mike Patton, and like Voltron, they combine to form a mighty force! This is almost correct. It was in fact Jim who first wanted to get Patton in the band, but they hired him off the strength of a demo tape. I guess that scenario is too hard to draw. Suddenly! In a flash, “The Real Thing” is out and everybody’s rockin’ it! Might I point out the especially bad artwork at the bottom of this page? There we can see what appears to be a deformed woman singing the old Nestles jingle, and then the singer morphs into a dumpy guy with a beer gut and a large yet smooth bulge in the crotch of his goofy stretch pants. It looks like he’s got a football half up his ass. Did I mention the art sucks?

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PAGE SIX
Ah, yes. The fish “controversy”. If you’re still reading this, then I’ll assume you know what they’re talking about here. However, this is the first time I’ve heard the fish’s side of the story. That’s powerful funny stuff, guys. If I should happen to run out of “Fuck Yous” could I borrow some of yours?
It’s now obvious that the writer doesn’t like this band, and he can no longer pretend otherwise. As a result, this whole comic confuses me. Who is this for, exactly? People who like the band would probably disagree with the sentiments presented. People who hate the band enough to actually buy this? Let’s see, I guess you’d sell one to Anthony Kedis…ummm…hmm…
My second favorite panel is featured here. “Nobody out-snarls Mike Patton, ya rube!” will be translated to Chinese and tattooed on the small of my back next to my surgically implanted beer coaster.

FINAL THOUGHTS
This comic sucks, of course. It’s too straight forward to be a parody, and too factually incorrect to be taken seriously. Why not just take it to the next level? How awesome would it have been had they been robots from the future or something? Mike Patton: Space Ranger! I’d read that. It couldn’t possibly be any worse. Unless these same two guys did it. Seriously. How do you fuck up this bad and still get paid?

A big thank you to the Faith No More Blog for having these posted so I could steal them!

Reason #256 Living In Oregon Sucks (Part 2)

I’ve always tried to keep up a certain level of excited enthusiasm wherever I go, however futile. I’m not bouncing off the walls with a big fucking tourist hat, but I always try to be down with the locals. I’m not hard to get along with, I dont think… Then again… I am typing something that the news will call “creepy messages on his Facespace” after im arrested. But then who isn’t? The point is, I’m bad at introducing myself. So here:

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Hi. I'm Mike. I am quite jaded and creatively jealous of my peers. But I'm an American in 2012, so that's fucking that! How are you?

I’m a retired (failed) rock musician, and I’m getting old and curmudgeonly. Could be that’s why all the local fashions, music, trends, and art here are just a swirl of visual and aural dysentery to me. Are you doing it on purpose to piss me off?

Actually, I’m not even sure if you’re doing it out of anger or reflex? And that’s the interesting part. The people of Eugene think they’re BIG TIME! Oooooh, BIG fuckin’ time! Big enough to push the boundaries of what is apparently the most popular genre in Eugene: the boring bullshit elderly hippie who lightly strums an acoustic guitar, whilst bleating lyrics with a “nature” tone to them! And hot shit! They’re gonna make a difference!

Oregon is as broke as it is bleak. Eugene’s biggest features are a bunch of lesbians who still can’t get married in this “great progressive state”, and a ‘No Sales Tax’ policy deserves it’s own entry in this series. As for the music scene, it almost completely ephemeral. I read. I go places and talk to people around here. Wanna know who the most popular band in Eugene is? Fuuuukin’ me too! The best Eugene’s got in it’s fucking history is The Cherry Poppin Daddies (oh-boy…) and Floater who I’d make a joke about, but the name says it all.

If L.A. learned me anythin’ it learned me to recognize mediocrity attempting to pass itself off as the real thing. I own a mirror. So, I packed up my fear of creative inadequacy and got the fuck outta there! Here, I guess if nothing else I feel a bit of schadenfreude. But someone needs to tell these poor people to either shut up or move, too. As a great man once said: “A man has got to know his limitations.”

If you want to read part one of my Oregon Sucks series, go ahead. Just stay off the furniture and don’t make a mess.