It’s been almost a year since I’ve blogged about anything. Sorry, but I’ve been out on a nine month hiking trip through the GumDrop Candy Forest. Well, it started out as a hiking trip. I went to one of Mr. Goodbar’s infamous gingerbread house parties and, long story short, I knocked up a Gummi Bear. Or so I thought. Nine months later, the kid came out half caramel.
If only I’d had the foresight and lack of self respect to call one of those daytime talk shows for one o’ dem lie detector tests to justify my self loathing!
Daytime talk shows are quite formulaic. Jerry Springer, Maury Povich, Steve Wilkos, Bill Cunningham, Trisha Goddard, and the soon to be cancelled Jeremy Kyle all have the same show. Fucked-up people go on TV and look like fucked-up people in order to make the home viewer feel better about themselves.
I enjoy these shows because, frankly, I enjoy the misery of others. Who doesn’t? However, there is one daytime show that’s way WAY worse than any of the others. No, not Dr. Oz. Great guess, though! Thanks for playing! No, I’m talking about…
This hideous golem doesn’t just have a sub-par TV show where he talks down to black people. He also has a sub-par AM radio talk show where he talks down to everyone! On his radio show, he’s been heard to say stuff like:
“…(Barack Obama’s) father was a typical black father who, right after the birth, left the baby. That’s what black fathers do. They simply leave.”
After careful consideration (aka: overthinking it), I am convinced that this man is such a racist bigot, he actually started a TV show to not only get ratings and make money like his daytime contemporaries, but to also back up his own disgustingly racist and bigoted views about black people! Kind of like a less subtle Pat Robertson.
And I’m saying he almost exclusively features only crazy, shouting black people on his show. Like, more than the average shit-ass talk show. Seriously. Flip channels and check once in awhile. They are almost always black, and they’re rarely not yelling.
If you enjoyed the above video, you’ll love this charming bit from his radio show. Back in 2003, a black man named Nathaniel Jones was beaten to death by Cincinnati cops. Jones was 400 pounds of angel dust-fueled insanity, and the cops just went whack-a-mole on his ass. Preliminary autopsy results (as reported by Fox News) showed that he may not have died from the severe beating, but from heart failure due to his girth and the ridiculous amount of PCP in his body. Too bad the whole thing was caught on video, and the black community got pissed off about it. The cops looked bad once again, and the whole thing was just sad. Not technically a “tragedy”, but still sad. Therefore I have no jokes about it. I just don’t see it as an especially humorous event. However, handsome media superstar Bill Cunningham thought it was the perfect subject to write a wacky song about! Everybody sing along!
“The fat man ever after has a martyr’s place/ Let’s all ignore whatever drugs he had…His death was unrelated to his injuries but still we hear the people sing police brutality/ lies go on bro la la how the lies go on.”
Tee-fucking-hee. This is the same Bill Cunningham that now has a show featuring African-American guests that he and his producers help make look like Hustler magazine cartoons, and he scolds them about their personal family relationship problems. Being a guest on this bigot’s show would be like getting a blow job in a public men’s room through a hole in a “God Hates Fags” sign.
Fox’s story about it:
—–FOX NEWS ALERT!!—–
It would stand to reason that Bill would hate the president. Not only is Obama black (or black enough for Bill to hate) but apparently, if you have an AM talk radio show, it’s required by FCC regulations that you do nothing but talk shit on Obama. Media trail blazer Bill Cunningham never strays from the established tropes of the medium he’s working in. Got an AM radio talk show? That’s easy! Do the ol’ Limbaugh shtick! Got a daytime TV talk show? No problem! Do the ol’ Maury shtick! Bill Cunningham is so derivative and creatively bankrupt, Hollywood producers masturbate to his show transcripts.
Here’s a fun quote from The Bill Cunningham Radio Show where Bill accuses The President Of The United States Of America of wanting to “gas the Jews”.
During the October 30 broadcast of his Cincinnati-based radio show, Bill Cunningham asked “Randy Furman,” a fictional Jewish character voiced by fellow WLW-AM host Scott Sloan: “Did you hear about this [Columbia University professor of Middle East studies Rashid] Khalidi tape where [Sen. Barack] Obama is toasting a guy who wants to gas and fry Jews? … This Obama guy loves the PLO [Palestinian Liberation Organization]. Can’t you figure that out?” Cunningham later added, “Jews for [Sen. John] McCain because Obama wants to gas the Jews, like the PLO wants to gas the Jews, like the Nazis gassed the Jews. You got Obama introducing Arab terrorists, and the L.A. Times won’t release the story.”
Holy shit! At least Glenn Beck was honest enough with his audience to say his kooky Nazi bullshit on both his radio and TV shows. Bill tries to fool his TV audience by disguising his bigotry within a simulacrum of the typical paint-by-numbers daytime format. The racism is definitely still there if you know to look for it. Now you do. You’re welcome.
“I guess the L.A. Times still has that tape on Khalidi, and they don’t release it because it’s injurious to the interest of Obama. Can you imagine if the media had a tape of maybe John McCain at a Ku Klux Klan rally or at an abortion-clinic benefit and he’s standing there toasting the guy who bombed the abortion clinic, and the L.A. Times wouldn’t release it?”
Sure. I’d imagine the media coverage for a presidential candidate participating at a fucking Clan rally would be vastly different than the coverage of a senator toasting an American university professor. Probably because one of these things doesn’t involve anything particularly newsworthy, and the other one would involve celebrated war hero John McCain participating at a fucking KKK rally! It’s like comparing apples and date rape. Good eye, Bill. Nice job.
Oh, and notice how he played the KKK card? Have I mentioned that this man is a racist?
If you need a non-racial/non-political reason to avoid this grotesque human hemorrhoid, try this:
Cunningham’s WLW show (in Cincinnati) went on a brief hiatus in June 2010 due to a contract dispute. Soon after, WLW’s owner, Clear Channel, announced that he signed a long-term agreement to stay with the station. In released remarks commenting on his decision, Cunningham said, “Cincinnati is my home. The first air I breathed. The first milk I drank was from Cincinnati. Others may have come as carpetbaggers to loot the Queen City and then move on. Willie will remain true.”
Hey, at least he’s loyal! He’s proud to have been born in Cincinnati, Ohio (he said it was “the first air he breathed”) and he don’t take kindly to carpetbaggers trying to fuck with his home town!
Bill Cunningham was born in Covington, Kentucky
Oh, well, fuck that all to Hell! Never mind.
“Cunningham was one of four children and has described his father as an abusive alcoholic who left the family when Cunningham was 11.”
Gee, Bill. I didn’t know you were half black.
In all seriousness, that’s actually pretty sad. I wish I could help. If only…hey wait! I just got a great idea for the next episode of Bill’s TV show! Quickly! To the DeLorean! We need to give Bill’s dad a lie detector test!