Gene Simmons Is A Rancid Douche

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Want to know one of my deepest, darkest secrets?

I like KISS.

No, not the candy-assed post-makeup KISS! I’m talking the original line up with Ace and the Cat guy, what’s it… Trevor I think it was, may he rest in peace. I was born a little late to enjoy their heyday, but I caught a reunion show. It was a lot of fun, and I feel like I have a better understanding of what it might have been like in the 70s. Only the 70s version of the band’s crass commercialism must seem quaint by today’s standards.

And I’m convinced it’s almost entirely Gene Simmons’ fault.

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Gene Simmons will seemingly do anything for a buck. He has no moral compass, no sense of artistic integrity, and worst of all, he’s a shitty bass player. He’s the second-worst musician in a band where that’s no small feat.

None of that is news. Even Gene knows this. People have said this to his face-like-thing and he always retorts with something about how much money he has. In YOUR face-like-thing, losers! As if that somehow refutes the point.

The point was, is, and always will be: Gene Simmons is a whore.

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…AND he’s hiring!

He’s teamed up with a new marketing firm, and together they’ve hatched a bold, brilliant new idea: Having no idea! They’re instead going to “crowdsource” it on Twitter and the like. Or in other words: “Fuck it! Throw it to the idiots!”

Here’s how The Hollywood Reporter…um, reported it:

“‘The Kiss frontman is asking content creators and fans how the band should celebrate “in the most epic way possible.”‘

Oh boy. I’ve always wanted a job in marketing. It’s in my all-time top three most wanted jobs! Right above “Dog Food Ingredient” and below “Pussy Inspector”. And I already have a T-shirt that says “Dog Food Ingredient”.

“‘Gene Simmons is looking for help celebrating the 40th anniversary of Kiss.”‘

Might I suggest you celebrate with a self-inflicted shotgun blast to your hideous, surgically-deformed face, you fucking whore?

“‘The rocker announced Wednesday night that Kiss is launching a campaign on Tongal — a company that pairs creatives and brands to crowdsource the pitch-and-development process — asking content creators and fans to submit their best ideas for “how Kiss should celebrate their 40th anniversary in the most epic way possible.”‘

This “rocker” (if I may use the term so loosely) is actually working (if I may use THAT term so loosely) with a marketing company to solicit ideas from his everyday, rump-de-dump, “who the fuck are they?” dip-shit fans! What? Is he too busy tounging Donald Trump’s finely bleached anus live on “Fox & Friends” to have any kind of social media presence? Or maybe he could, I don’t know, hire people who normally get paid for their ideas to come up with an idea other than “have random people do it”? Maybe I should tweet that idea to these empty suits?

“‘Typically, Tongal’s brand campaigns involve ideation and pitch processes before moving on to an execution stage where a commercial or campaign is produced. Past projects have included a Star Wars-inspired commercial for Pringles and a Speed Stick ad that aired during the 2013 Super Bowl.”‘

They even admit that, typically, marketeers at least try to come up with new ideas in order to earn their paycheck. Also typically, if you ever ask what random assholes on the internet want to see, the only suitable-for-broadcast idea in their top 100 will be “Star Wars”. What outside-the-box thinkers we have here.

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Or maybe he could go on that one piece of shit crime show with the NYPD Blue loser? WE NEED IDEAS HERE, PEOPLE!!

Hey, what if there was a commercial where Gene Simmons was being viciously sodomized by Darth Vader in the dining room of a Taco Bell? Then Darth could say “Gene…make a run…for the border…” and Gene would then drop to his knees and recieve a (tastefully shot) guacamole facial! Then you could put “God Of Thunder-ous Diarrhea” on the drink cups or some shit. How’s that idea? Did I win? Am I rich yet? I’m sure If Taco Bell believed that commercial would make you more likely to laugh in the face of dysintary and eat a Cheesy Gordita Crunchwrap Supreme, Gene would be totally willing to negotiate the price.

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To watch the full UNCENSORED version of this video, click HERE!!!

“‘But the Kiss project is part of a new service called Left Field, which allows brands to reach out to creators and fans through a 140-character social media call-to-action to help brainstorm ideas. “‘

Wow! What a great idea that you totally couldnt already do right now! Isn’t that right, Twitter account for Tide detergent?

‘”We’ve always been about the fans,” Simmons tells THR.”‘

Then, after an arresting fit of the giggles subsided, the “rocker” continued:

‘”Tongal allows our fans to throw out ideas, and you know you’re going to make something authentic.”‘

“Throw out” is exactly right. Mark my words: You will not be properly compensated. They later go on to say you might, but I’m calling bullshit. What if you tweet a really great idea to these clowns, they use it, and make a gajilillion dollars as a direct result? What would you get? A couple thousand bucks and the pride in knowing that you got as bent over and fucked as any of Paul Stanely’s STD-riddled groupies? Gee, thanks “rocker“. Glad I could be of fucking help.

“‘He adds that the crowdsourcing process at Tongal is not that different from the collaboration within a band.”‘

Is he saying he needs random yahoos from the internet to help write their next album or something? Because I would love to be proven wrong, and this whole idea can somehow actually become even sadder. Schadenfreudegasim!

‘”One person doesn’t play every instrument. You contribute where you’re skilled.”‘

“…and we obviously suck at marketing. Wait, no we don’t. It’s the music we suck at! What am I talking about? What the fuck am I doing?”

Oh, and one person can play every instrument.

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Just because you lack skills, Gene, dosen’t mean everyone else does. I know this might come as a shock to a self-important jackass such as yourself, but it turns out you’re not the greatest man in the history of ever. In fact, you rank somewhere between Sean Hannity and Ted Neugent, and that’s pretty fucking low.

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"...and coming up after the break, we'll hear Sebastian Bach's thoughts on the debt ceiling!"

“‘Simmons announced the campaign as part of his appearance at Tongal’s inaugural award show the Tongies, which was held April 2 at the El Rey Theatre. He handed out the award for best Best Original Song used in a campaign. Other awards included Best Broadcast Spot, Best Comedy, Best Idea and Video of the Year. “‘

Ooooh! Isn’t that exciting! I’m sure all the brightest stars of Tinsletown turned out for this gala event! As a big-time “rocker” you must meet lots of famous and interesting people. So tell me, “rocker“, is the Geico lizard as nice as he seems in real life? Did you tag-team Flo from the Progressive ads with Toucan Sam? Did you score any blow off of Speedy The Alka-Seltzer? Yeah, you suck.

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The guy makes Howard Stern look like Mark Twain.

This article does not say who won each of these catergories, and I fucking refuse to look it up, so let’s immediately date this blog post and make some predictions.

Best Original Song used in a campaign – “Pepto-Bismol Enema (Sha Na Na)” by Gene Simmons

Best Broadcast Spot – “Pringles Can Stuck On Dong” by Pringles

Best Comedy – “The Lego Movie” by Warner Bros.

Best Idea – “KISS” by Gene Simmons

Video of the Year – “2 Girls, 1 Cup, & A Gene Simmons” by 3 Sickening Prostitutes LLC.

“‘Creatives who participate in Tongal’s projects get paid if they submit winning ideas. This year, Tongal expects to pay more than $15 million to its community.”‘

Oh, is that what they “expect”? What horseshit. I ask again: what if the idea I submit makes your company millions of dollars? Do I hit the $15 million creativity jackpot? Would I even qualify as a “Creative” under contest rules? Would any actualy creative people ever participate in this fucking bullshit? And if a tree falls in the forrest, does Gene Simmons get a royality? The answer to all these questions is: “…maybe?

“‘Tongal co-founder and president James DeJulio says the Kiss campaign represents an opportunity for brands to use the platform to engage fans.”‘

Hey, do you know what else is a really good platform for reaching KISS fans? A literal fucking platform. You know, the kind that KISS can play on. They could set up all their gear, turn it up really loud, and reach thousands and thousands of people who just happen to already be KISS fans. It wouldn’t appear that they thought of that, though. Hey, maybe I should tweet that?!

‘”Like any great brand, Kiss’ fans have supported them and been a part of their lives forever,” he adds. “This campaign creates another deep connection with the band.”‘

Wait, I think there’s a typo in there. Either “brand” or “band” is inncorrect. It should be the same word both times, but I’m not sure which one. Probably “Brand”.

Fucking whore…

I’m not sure how I should end this piece. Hey, lets “crowdsource” it! What do YOU think? How should I end this post? Should I just end it by calling Gene Simmons a “fucking whore” again? Should I post a picture of Gene Simmons holding a crudely drawn dick to his mouth? Or should it just end abruptly, with no

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You were right again, Internet. You always are.

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My Hard-Rockin’ Trip To Washington; Stolen Babies is/are awesome, Incubus is caca-doo-doos, and Linkin Park gives sloppy, eager head to the Honda Corporation

My Hard-Rockin’ Trip To Washington; Stolen Babies is/are awesome, Incubus is caca-doo-doos, and Linkin Park gives sloppy, eager head to the Honda Corporation

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On the 4th and 5th of this month, close family and I embarked on a hard-rockin’ journey of pure-metal rockitude. However, rockin’ was surprisingly hard to come by. We paid $18 and drove five hours from Eugene into downtown Crack-City (Studio 7: located in Seattle’s finest skeevy industrial zone.) to see Stolen Babies play a truncated set that didn’t even include my favorite song. We then paid $85 dollars and drove to Tacoma to see Incubus and Linkin Park stink up the Tacomadome, which, by the way, is the shittiest place to have a rock show since the Superbowl. Here’s my take on all the rockin’ rock I rocked.

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STOLEN BABIES – “A+++++”
For those of you who don’t know (and, apparently, that’s everyone) Stolen Babies is a quote, unquote “avant-garde” circus-metal band with an amazingly versatile and beautiful female lead-vocalist. They sound like Mr. Bungle or Oingo Boingo fused with speed metal with a sorta Tim Burton-cabaret aesthetic. The music is incredible, and I absolutely adore this band.

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So awesome.

Plus, they were fucking amazing live! My only complaints are that they didn’t play long enough, and they didn’t play my favorite song. Hardly scathing criticism. Plus, they posed for this picture;

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That's the singer, Dominique Persi, pointing at moi. I think we're dating now.

So…yeah! They’re really cool to their fans, and they make amazing music! Check them out! Here, I’ll help. Watch this;


May I have more of this, please?

INCUBUS – “F-“
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There was a time when I really loved the band Incubus. They used to be really great. No, seriously. I bought “Make Yourself” the very day it was released. I listened to “S.C.I.E.N.C.E.” in high school so much, my actual grades in science class went up. I go way back with these guys, and I’m sure many others do as well. However that’s also where I stopped. For me, Incubus stopped making new records since “Morning View”. That seemed to be about when Brandon Boyd’s vagina had fully grown in, and their stuff stopped having any teeth in it. And by ‘stuff’ I of course mean the music, and not Brandon Boyd’s vagina. Which, as we all know, is filled with razor-sharp teeth. Not all his own.

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Brandon Boyd prepares to take the stage.

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So you can imagine my disappointment, if not surprise, when they managed to play jack and shit from my favorite Incubus album "S.C.I.E.N.C.E." (Or, god forbid, something even earlier!). Goddamnit!! You know what? I fucking hate bands that completely ignore their classic material live! Especially if they've since mutated into Vegas-Elvis caliber self-parody like this. Excuse me, but you're currently getting away with charging everyone up to $85 a ticket right now because guys like me bought those early albums! Now, what? You're just so above and beyond that old shit that you can't provide a single song's worth of fan service? You sayin' you better 'dan me? Well, FUCK YOU, INCUBUS!!!

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Tools.

Thanks for absolutely nothing! I used to love you SO MUCH! And don’t give me any of your typical excuses for whenever someone complains that you didn’t play their favorite song whatever night. I know you have a fuck-ton of material, and you can’t play everything, and the alignment of the planets wasn’t just so, and blah blah blah. Just one…JUST ONE FUCKING SONG FROM “S.C.I.E.N.C.E.”!!! Those tickets were $85 dollars, you assholes! Not to mention it costs $25 just to park the fucking CAR! They charged us fucking bank for everything short of taking a piss. Ironic since you apparently charged me $85 bucks for total crap!

When Incubus first took the stage and opened with “Privilege” I felt optimistic about their set. I even thought they might play a few of the classics, since, like, they don’t have a new album out or fuckin’ something. Linkin Park just put one out (and boy does it suck), and Stolen Babies has a new one coming in mid-October I believe. But not Incubus. They can afford the space on the set-list, but I guess they thought Incubus fans would rather listen to classic Lionel Richie over classic Incubus.

Here. This was the set-list. You tell me. Does this NOT suck? (Hint: no)

1 • Privilege
2 • Wish You Were Here
3 • Megalomaniac
4 • Adolescents
5 • Nice to Know You
6 • If Not Now, When?
7 • Made For TV Movie
8 • Hello (Lionel Richie cover)
9 • Anna Molly
10 • A Kiss to Send Us Off
11 • Drive
12 • In the Company of Wolves
13 • Pardon Me
14 • Rebel Girls (P.S. This is the shittiest song of all time! The SHITTIEST!)
15 • Sick Sad Little World
16 • Tomorrow’s Food

This brings me to the worst part of Incubusese’s performance. For the very last song, they, of course, did NOT play a classic fan favorite, or even something from a later record that quasi-rocks. No, they instead closed with this;

“Tomorrow’s Food” is some new song I of course didn’t recognize (and apparently, a lot of people near me didn’t either). If I was a waiter, I’d describe this particular dish as a shit sandwich served with a circa 1969 bong water au jus. Made with bread of an excruciatingly boring rhythm, stuffed with some whisper quiet piano and guitar-by-product filling, and topped with a layer of rancid vocal cheese. The show ended with a whimper, and the band hilariously said “thank you” as the crowd collectively scratched their heads and audibly asked “what the fuck was THAT?!”

That, my fellow disillusioned concert-goers, was their big show closer. A song so mellow, it’s in a fucking coma. Jeezus, the last Dimebag Darrel show had a livelier ending. I now believe the rumors about their old bass player. Maybe he really was sent away to live out his remaining years with a nice family on a Thorazine farm as a saw horse. Good God…I never thought I’d miss Hoobastank, but here we are!

Yes, the Incubus show at the Tacomadome on Sept.5th was truly a disappointment in every way. Shame on you, Incubus! You treat your old-school fans like you must treat a multi-pak of Costco-brand dildos; you shove them in places they don’t want to go, and throw them in the garbage.

LINKIN PARK “D”

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Before I saw this concert, Linkin Park were filed in the same section of my brain with the likes of Korn or Red Hot Chili Peppers…or even Katy Perry; I like one or two of their hits, but that’s all I really care to know.

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Maybe I'd care to know more about this...

They’re just a pop-act to me. But to a lot of people, they’re a real live rock band. Unfortunately, seeing them perform did NOT improve my opinion one iota. They were competent live, I mean, they were alright. But for the life of me, I still can’t tell why THIS band was ever as popular as they were. I mean, I love America, but our taste in Pop music is fucking daft.

For you L.P. fans out there, here’s the set list:

1 • With You
2 • Faint
3 • Given Up
4 • Victimized (with a snippet of Somewhere I Belong )
5 • New Divide
6 • In My Remains
7 • Empty Spaces
8 • When They Come for Me
9 • Waiting for the End
10 • Breaking the Habit
11 • Leave Out All the Rest / Shadow of the Day / Iridescent
12 • The Catalyst
13 • What I’ve Done
14 • Burn It Down
15 • In
16 • Numb
17 • Bleed It Out (with Mike Einziger)
—Encore:—
18 • Lost in the Echo
19 • Papercut (NOT the Nirvana song, unfortunately)
20 • One Step Closer

So, first of all, they didn’t play “Crawling” which was too bad, cuz it’s one of few I knew going in. But they did play “Given Up” which is my favorite L.P. tune. But whatever, they played just fine. The mix was shitty, but musically the band did well. Whatever. I guess I was just kinda bored. Linkin Park songs start to sound alike after a very short time. First you do a rap, then you do a rock-anthem chorus (with optional scream), and you do it all again. Toss in a quick bridge, and top it with some wicky-wicky-fresh DJ bullshit. Rinse, wash, repeat. For two hours. Oy.

But all that was to be expected. My problem with this Linkin Park performance was how commercial and shamelessly sold-out the band is. See, this isn’t just any big rock tour. No! This is the “Honda Civic Tour ™”! Normally, no one would give a sailing shit about who the sponsor is, but this… it’s bad, man…

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"Souls for sale! Step right up! They're going cheap!"

See, they had this big projection screen set up behind the band, and between bands, they would play fucking car commercials on a short, maddening loop. But that’s not even the worst part. The worst part was how they actually got the two singers from Linkin Park to personally promote their shitty cars! Yes, Chester…uh, whatever his last name is…and the other chubby guy that raps…Mike something…anyway, there they both are (on film, not live) reading a TelePrompTer the way an Al Queda hostage might. In that neither really give a shit if I buy a Honda Civic, and both die a horrific, painful death on camera.

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Who in their right mind would dare be caught dead in this piece of shit?! I mean, really?!

Linkin Park has no business doing fucking car commercials. They are a very popular rap-rock band that enough people like that they can get the headlining spot on the Honda bullshit tour. Isn’t that enough? Is this the new goal in music? To be an artist that’s lucky enough to be compensated and revered in your actual lifetime, and you use that opportunity to become a salesman? You could have stayed in Podunk and accomplished that, you fucking load!

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There was also this goofy looking motorcycle. Apparently based on an episode of "M.A.S.K."

The highlight of this Möbius strip of pinpoint marketing was when they showed a clip of Chester and Mike seeing some badly tarted-up “Linkin Park-official” Honda Civic, for what I’m SO sure REALLY was the first time. They got to act like they were somehow impressed with it, proving in the process that these jerk-offs absolutely did NOT miss their true calling as Shakespearian thespians. Dude, ok. First; the singers in Linkin Park have such ridiculous bank, they wouldn’t be impressed with a Honda Civic unless one almost hit them when their $10,000/hr hooker accidentally misfired it from her vagina. And B; I don’t care what you do to it, it’s still a fucking Honda Civic, and it will never be cool. Just like rap-rock “music”, and just like Linkin Park.

The lessons learned; Stolen Babies is/are awesome, Incubus is caca-doo-doos, and Linkin Park gives sloppy, eager head to Honda. I had a great time. The fucking end.

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The winner, and new champion...of ROCK!!

Faith No More: The Comic Book

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Nowadays, American audiences know Faith No More as a staple of VH1 one-hit-wonder countdown shows, and some gross cable show about a guy who plays in shit just for fun.

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"Mammy!

But way back in 1991, they were everywhere. What was actually cool was that for a brief moment, right before Nirvana and grunge took over, Faith No More seemed to be the wave of the future. They thought there would be an avalanche of bands rapping over rock and mixing genres with ease (oh, wait. That actually happened.) so FNM was hailed as a harbinger of rap-rock to come.
They didn’t make it overnight. In fact, the early history of the band is fascinating for fans. But you wouldn’t know it by reading this “Unauthorized Biography” comic book. That’s right. A fucking Faith No More comic book. Let’s check it out, won’t we?

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PAGE ONE
Tonight’s episode: “Fish Outo Water”
So, right off, the splash page is hideous. What the fuck is wrong with Patton’s mouth? Is he supposed to be the titular fish? How many time do you think this artist (Larry “Nads” Nadolsky) erased and re-drew that mouth until he finally said “fuck it!” and just left it looking like Patton has a serious meth problem?
What’s really sad about this whole thing is that I think it’s trying to be funny. Still, who talks like this? No one calls a drummer a “skin beater” without being punched and/or sexually assaulted (it depends on if the drummer in question is Tommy Lee or not).

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PAGE TWO
Here we see, again, the genesis of a band’s name. The last page had lil’ Cliff contemplating his “Metallica” brand spray paint, and this one is almost as stupid. Oh, and it’s completely WRONG! When the band was called “Faith. No Man” Jim was not in it. They had all kinds of different guitarists and singers (Courtney Love isn’t mentioned here because she was nobody at the time. Kinda like now. Full circle.) legend has it, they fired the guy who was the singer/guitarist and brought Jim in later after the name change. So eat me, comic!
Look at panel three. It would seem casual conversations about music don’t really jump off the page, do they? See, FNM’s whole shtick (according to WB marketing at least) was their genera blending. Flailing to convey this, the writer Jay Allen “Dummy” Sanford just makes everyone bark non sequiturs about the kind of music they like. “I’m into reggae” “I like metal and psychedelia”. They sound like robot aliens from another planet. Robots from the planet Funkotron! Hmmm… Now THERE’s an interesting back story…
In the last panel, we get our first look at original FNM vocalist Chuck Mosley. Even among hard core fans, Chuck is a polarizing figure. You either love em’ or you think he fucking sucks. Scratch that. I think I love the old Chuck-era stuff because he fucking sucked. It’s an acquired taste. Kinda like analingus.

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PAGE THREE
See what I mean? These Rockomic assholes must not care for the band’s early work. The best praise they can muster is applied only to the lyrics. Everything else sucks. Musicianship? Song writing? Creativity? Crap, crap, and crap. Eat me so hard, comic!
The last panel here might be my favorite. When Bill Gould (bassist, and arguably the business brains and actual leader) asks Commander Martin what they should release as their first single. Jim, the king of rock, off-handedly responds with the funniest thing I’ve read all day. “Disco shit-packer”? Granted, “We Care A Lot” isn’t my favorite song of all time, but it’s not disco. As for the shit packing, the only ones getting their shit packed are the FNM fans who bought this fucking comic.

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PAGE FOUR
You can pretty much skip this entire page and it wouldn’t matter. Basically, they got into a fight with the band Ministry and therefore did not get paid for the gig. Perhaps they should have shown the actual fight instead of these sparse, boring talking heads. But no one reads comic books for the action. They read them for the inane conversations. This whole page is just two hairy dudes hanging out in a Motel6, and no good ever comes from that!
Oh, and they fired Chuck. So give us a big yawn and take a sip of coffee and prepare for His arrival. It shall be glorious!

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PAGE FIVE
Here we see FNM’s fearless leader deciding to hire Mike Patton, and like Voltron, they combine to form a mighty force! This is almost correct. It was in fact Jim who first wanted to get Patton in the band, but they hired him off the strength of a demo tape. I guess that scenario is too hard to draw. Suddenly! In a flash, “The Real Thing” is out and everybody’s rockin’ it! Might I point out the especially bad artwork at the bottom of this page? There we can see what appears to be a deformed woman singing the old Nestles jingle, and then the singer morphs into a dumpy guy with a beer gut and a large yet smooth bulge in the crotch of his goofy stretch pants. It looks like he’s got a football half up his ass. Did I mention the art sucks?

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PAGE SIX
Ah, yes. The fish “controversy”. If you’re still reading this, then I’ll assume you know what they’re talking about here. However, this is the first time I’ve heard the fish’s side of the story. That’s powerful funny stuff, guys. If I should happen to run out of “Fuck Yous” could I borrow some of yours?
It’s now obvious that the writer doesn’t like this band, and he can no longer pretend otherwise. As a result, this whole comic confuses me. Who is this for, exactly? People who like the band would probably disagree with the sentiments presented. People who hate the band enough to actually buy this? Let’s see, I guess you’d sell one to Anthony Kedis…ummm…hmm…
My second favorite panel is featured here. “Nobody out-snarls Mike Patton, ya rube!” will be translated to Chinese and tattooed on the small of my back next to my surgically implanted beer coaster.

FINAL THOUGHTS
This comic sucks, of course. It’s too straight forward to be a parody, and too factually incorrect to be taken seriously. Why not just take it to the next level? How awesome would it have been had they been robots from the future or something? Mike Patton: Space Ranger! I’d read that. It couldn’t possibly be any worse. Unless these same two guys did it. Seriously. How do you fuck up this bad and still get paid?

A big thank you to the Faith No More Blog for having these posted so I could steal them!